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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell H I will leave him if he ever says this again?

246 replies

FuckedOff11 · 17/10/2023 11:32

Background is we own a business together. We are very busy at the moment and so it's a bit stressful.

As always kids have the worst timing and I was rang today to collect our child from nursery because he's unwell.

H has flipped out (in front of other people who work with us) shouted at me that there's no way I'm being off tomorrow and if I don't ring nursery and refuse to pick DC up then he's not "paying me" (as if that's up to him when it's my business too).

Now I'm not actually worried about the money. I don't need his permission to pay myself, he's not my employer but I am absolutely raging about the way he spoke to me and the fact he thinks, whether he could do it or not, he can threaten me with money. It is not the first time he's threatened not to "pay me" if I don't do what he thinks is reasonable. I'm also appalled he thinks I should be refusing to pick our child up. I told him if he wants to go ahead and ring nursery he can get himself reported to SS but I'll be going to collect our child.

Now I'm at home stewing.

I know I'm not unreasonable to be mad. But my head can't stop going to immediately leaving, stressed or not, he acted so unacceptably.

OP posts:
Slothlikemum · 17/10/2023 11:56

WHALESURPRISE · 17/10/2023 11:43

The fact he did this in front of your colleagues is just the icing on the cake. Ugh.

Well yeah. I mean a) it's humiliating and b) I hope none of those employees has children because they're going to be terrified to ever have to take time off for sick kids. Those employees now know exactly what he thinks of working parents.

velvetstars · 17/10/2023 11:57

"I am not your employee. I own 50% of this business. Stop behaving as if you have any management authority over me, you don't. I'm going to pick up our unwell child now as that is the priority for any parent. When you have regained your senses and your professionalism we can speak and make a plan for dealing with our unwell child and our workload for the next couple of days. Until then I'm going to leave you to contemplate how lowly everyone who heard how you speak to your wife/mother of your DC/business partner will now think of you. You should be ashamed."

Thedm · 17/10/2023 11:57

You’ve said this isn’t the first time he has spoken to you like this. It’s already over, unless this is the sort of man you want to be with?
You might see this as your joint business, but he clearly sees himself as the boss, the big man, the one in charge of you both in work and at home, given he thinks he can order you around in regards to your child.

He is a misogynist. A bad man. And you need to start having boundaries and realising that this man sees you as beneath him.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 17/10/2023 11:57

I really don’t know how you come back from that outburst, OP. I’m so sorry.

Maybe I could get past it if he realised he acted appallingly and said he needs to have some therapy, and then went and sorted that out immediately. But otherwise it’s very difficult to see what the way forward would be.

Londonscallingme · 17/10/2023 11:57

Wow.

I'd want to have a serious conversation with him about where the sentiment for his words came from. Whether he says anything like this ever again, he still thought it on this occasion.

Everyone looses their cool occasionally and it may be he flew off the handle and his words didn't reflect his feelings for you but I would be wanting to discuss this in some detail before moving on.

DinnaeFashYersel · 17/10/2023 11:59

YANBU his behaviour is appalling.

I also hope he doesn't speak to his employees like this and remembers that he must allow them reasonable (unpaid) time off to care for dependents in this type of circumstance.

You may need to remind your employees of this as they will likely now be frightened to ask for time off in an emergency if they have witnessed their bosses speaking to each other this way.

HattieIou · 17/10/2023 11:59

There's no way I'd hang around to be spoken to like that. I would 100% leave.

Circumferences · 17/10/2023 12:01

Mumsanetta · 17/10/2023 11:39

”I cannot be with a man with such little respect for me that he would speak like that to me. So I want you to know that if you EVER speak to me like that again, I will leave you. If you try to justify the way you spoke to me, I will leave you. And that is not a threat, but a promise, because I deserve better.” This will work as either a text message or said face to face, but the key is to mean it with every fibre of your being.

Good text but I'm not sure OP can just "leave" a partner who she owns a business with....

It's really complicated here. I think you made a good retort with "report yourself to social services then" because you can't leave a sick child at nursery, the nursery will report you both!

He sounds like a prize arse, sorry.

Send him on an anger management course. That'll get him out of your hair once a week too.

Blough · 17/10/2023 12:01

’It is not the first time he's threatened not to "pay me" if I don't do what he thinks is reasonable.’

So he’s done it before, he has now done it again, made your colleagues super uncomfortable, tried to humiliate and control you, it it’s the next time he does this that you’ll end this farce of a marriage?

IveHadItUpToHere · 17/10/2023 12:02

Tell him that whilst you're not in the office today, you will be speaking to your solicitor and accountant about how you can buy each other out because if he ever speaks to you like that again, that's what will be happening.
Then actually look into the detail of what would need to happen. At least then you will know the steps you need to take if you decide to leave.
Dh and I have a business together - sometimes it can get a bit fraught in private. Tbh if he spoke to me the way your DH did, I'd struggle to get past that he did it in public and more importantly that he valued our DCs' health so little. You need a big conversation about what is and what isn't acceptable.

Original poster
FuckedOff11 · 17/10/2023 12:03

You're all right I need a serious conversation.

Sounds a bit daft but I'm thinking of contacting my parent (where I'd get the most support if needed) and telling them about this situation. They think he's the best thing since sliced bread because I keep this side of him hush. Why should I. If he thinks it's an acceptable way to speak to me he shouldn't have any issue with people knowing.

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckedOff11 · 17/10/2023 12:04

And no it isn't the first time he's done this.

OP posts:
Thedm · 17/10/2023 12:04

Pack a bag for him, leave it on the doorstep and text him that you need time to consider where you go from here and he needs to stay somewhere else for now. Tell him that if he won’t then you will take your child and you will stay somewhere else, but for the sake of your kid being able to stay at home, he should be the one to leave for a while. You need time.

purplecorkheart · 17/10/2023 12:04

How does he treat you daily both at work and home honestly? I am not sure I would be waiting till next time to leave. There is no excuse for that behaviour to you and towards the other staff who witnessed such behaviour. If I was one of them I would be horrified at how you were treated and stressed if something happened and I had to leave work urgently how would I be treated and honestly would be looking for a new job quick.

TravelInHope · 17/10/2023 12:05

Leave him. Now.

porridgecake · 17/10/2023 12:05

That is such a disrespectful way to speak to anybody, whether a spouse, an employee or a business partner. Completely unacceptable.
I would be re-evaluating the marriage and the professional partnership and taking legal advice.

Blanketpolicy · 17/10/2023 12:07

Public verbal abuse like that doesn't come from nowhere. It is either part of the type of man he is or if he is (which I doubt) normally supportive, kind and this is unusual for him he is under incredible stress (which still doesn't make it acceptable).

The advice you need will be different depending on which one it is.

TinChristmas · 17/10/2023 12:08

This sounds like a it’s the final straw in other stuff. Of course you don’t hide his behaviour from others that’s what they want people to do.
there are so many things to pick apart there, but he felt it was acceptable to tell you I front of others, so he thinks it’s fine, that your child didn’t need liking after when sick. That he controls the money and he controls you.

Even in isolation that is huge but you said this side of him implying this is a huge part of him.
Sadly it will only get worse if he believes that he can now escalate to talk to you like this in front of others when in private it will be worse. As he now sees that no one called him out on it and it is appropriate to treat you like this.

Jewelspun · 17/10/2023 12:08

velvetstars · 17/10/2023 11:57

"I am not your employee. I own 50% of this business. Stop behaving as if you have any management authority over me, you don't. I'm going to pick up our unwell child now as that is the priority for any parent. When you have regained your senses and your professionalism we can speak and make a plan for dealing with our unwell child and our workload for the next couple of days. Until then I'm going to leave you to contemplate how lowly everyone who heard how you speak to your wife/mother of your DC/business partner will now think of you. You should be ashamed."

That is an excellent response.

AgnesX · 17/10/2023 12:11

declutteringmymind · 17/10/2023 11:45

Or get signed off.

It's their business, it doesn't really work like that.

OhComeOnFFS · 17/10/2023 12:11

I also think you should leave - nobody should be spoken to like that. I would set your parent straight, too - why defend his awful behaviour?

Would it be easy to split up your business? Did you start it together?

Mumsanetta · 17/10/2023 12:11

Circumferences · 17/10/2023 12:01

Good text but I'm not sure OP can just "leave" a partner who she owns a business with....

It's really complicated here. I think you made a good retort with "report yourself to social services then" because you can't leave a sick child at nursery, the nursery will report you both!

He sounds like a prize arse, sorry.

Send him on an anger management course. That'll get him out of your hair once a week too.

Show quote history

Of course OP can leave her DH even if she owns a business with him. It would not be easy but no divorce is easy. Perhaps he shares your thoughts on this and treats her as he wishes because he thinks she can’t leave him. In the same way that you can only negotiate a peace if you are prepared to go to war, you can only set firm boundaries if you are ultimately prepared to walk away.

Blough · 17/10/2023 12:11

Also, you will likely need to advertise for staff soon, as no sane employee would stay at a place where one of the bosses is openly a misogynistic turd, whose marriage is in the shitter.

Thisisme23 · 17/10/2023 12:11

I keep this side of him hush.
This sentence jumped out at me. @FuckedOff11 This isn't an isolated incident is it?
If you feel you have to keep any part of his behaviour hushed up or secret that screams red flags to me.
Only you know your husband. Mumsnet has a habit of jumping on the LTB wagon - so be wary of that bias - but I do think it's time for you to really reflect on your husbands behaviour. Don't threaten to leave him if you don't really mean it.
I do think at the very least you need to tell him (and show him) that you will not tolerate this behaviour any longer. Can you arrange some time apart - move in with the parent for a short while - or get him to move to a friends or relatives? Give yourselves time to reflect on your relationship?

HelpWhatIf · 17/10/2023 12:12

If you won’t LTB, a serious conversations needs to be had. In public or in private, that is not an acceptable way to speak to someone. He is your partner in marriage as well as business, and he needs to realise partnership = equality.