To tell H I will leave him if he ever says this again?

[FuckedOff11]

Background is we own a business together. We are very busy at the moment and so it's a bit stressful.

As always kids have the worst timing and I was rang today to collect our child from nursery because he's unwell.

H has flipped out (in front of other people who work with us) shouted at me that there's no way I'm being off tomorrow and if I don't ring nursery and refuse to pick DC up then he's not "paying me" (as if that's up to him when it's my business too).

Now I'm not actually worried about the money. I don't need his permission to pay myself, he's not my employer but I am absolutely raging about the way he spoke to me and the fact he thinks, whether he could do it or not, he can threaten me with money. It is not the first time he's threatened not to "pay me" if I don't do what he thinks is reasonable. I'm also appalled he thinks I should be refusing to pick our child up. I told him if he wants to go ahead and ring nursery he can get himself reported to SS but I'll be going to collect our child.

Now I'm at home stewing.

I know I'm not unreasonable to be mad. But my head can't stop going to immediately leaving, stressed or not, he acted so unacceptably.

Yes, your husband's a bullying dickhead.

But if you're not planning on LTB is there any part of your business that can be done at home to minimise the impact of having no childcare?

Why would you tolerate this sort of behaviour just because you took vows, you wouldn't put up with it off another work colleague, friend or anyone else for that matter . You are worth more than this and so is your child . If you saw another person being treated like this what would your response be ....

You are as predictable as the sun rising.

The most mediocre posters on this forum always drop to accusing a poster who disagrees with them as having ishoos and being personally invested or some such bullshit.

You are talking nonsense.

I disagree with your advice. I think it's shitty. I think it's deluded.

I would not want to leave it standing without showing an op why someone would disagree strongly with it.

It's ironic that you can't take me seriously because I feel very much the same way about you. I will not be interacting with you again - I've done what I can to try to demonstrate to this op or any other woman who's being mistreated in this way that some ppl have very low/poor standards and are also extremely poor at recognising abuse. They set woman up to stay in abusive relationships.

Oh and please note that you are in the minority in your opinions on this thread; that should tell you something.

This!!

I will not be interacting with you again

Mission accomplished.

@SeptemberSuns Where did OP say they were arguing?

YANBU

What is the appropriate response to your husband saying something like that?

Why should someone show him respect in that context?

To be honest I'd be extremely concerned about any woman who responded to that in a respectful way.

It was outrageous which generally is going to spark an outraged reaction.

@FuckedOff11 Can the first contact number at nursery be changed to dh's?
I wonder how quick and reasonable he would be to discuss collection with you then. You know, like a concerned parent.
I bet gold coins he would keep his temper on the phone with the nursery staff.

I would calmly explain that you're not prepared to take that behaviour and tell him you will be looking to wind up the business if it happens again.

And if he continues I would leave him. It's ridiculous on his part

Yeah that was definitely your objective, when you could have achieved it by not posting in response to my posts repeatedly .....strong logic. No wonder your advice is so quality.

If the "people who work with us" are your employees, he should be very careful about saying things like that. It runs the risk of creating a toxic work environment if there's this sense that taking time off for family needs is going to be greeted by rage and unreasonable behaviour. I'd be thinking about looking for another job if I was employed by someone like this.

Back on topic.

Op, the fact that you've been hiding this side of your husband's character from your family .... And that not dissimilar things have been said by your husband to you before . .. and that he feels free to do something like this in front of your employees; suggests you may be a bit of a boiled frog.

I suspect you've probably been in this position for a long time. I suspect you minimise it. But this incident has been so extreme that you've been driven to post about it.

You don't strike me as someone who will leave easily ..... But do, just consider, that this man is arguably abusive. And that maybe it's in your best interests (and probably that of your child/ren) to get yourself in a position to leave if and when you want to.

This is not an equal partnership in his eyes. He'd be like that with any partner.

He's also clearly very unreasonable, volatile and unprofessional.

You replied to my initial post and continue to do so. You’ve said some terrible things to me, not knowing me and at all and almost none of which are responsive to what I wrote to the OP. You’ll continue to post back at me, I am sure.

I realise that I must be very old-fashioned (I'm 64), but could your husband afford to pay someone to run the business with him, and you stay at home with your child?

That is absolutely outrageous OP oh my god. Imagine him thinking he's your boss and won't be paying you I'd run a mile.

I bet the staff hate him too!

They will if they've got any sense. I would hate to be witness to that kind of argument. It's one of the reasons I avoid working for family businesses though - the families are either very tight knit and not good with outsiders, or explosive and not good with outsiders. Or both, depending on mood.

Since he has form, OP, I'd be looking to extricate myself from the marriage and the business. He thinks he has you trapped and under control. I'd seriously consider getting myself out of there. He will do the business no favours either, if he's rude to you in front of staff. Anyone who's any good wouldn't want to work for him.

64 or 164? The OP will then be even more trapped, because she won't be earning money. And do you seriously think her DH is a good person to work for? He's been thoroughly unprofessional in front of staff and shown them that he doesn't value any kind of work-life balance. Would you want to work with or for him?

OP he sounds absolutely abhorrent and YANBU. This would be unforgivable for me - I couldn't love a man like that.

So he won’t do it to other colleagues? Interesting. But did you call him a name in front of others? I get you were extremely cross, but it’s not ideal.

Big conversation needed: was he all for kids, because he doesn’t sound like he cares (about you either!)

Yes, is he able to reflect, understand why you are angry and how unacceptable his behaviour was, and properly apologise? If not, then …

Tell him he's fired.

Please can you both give this a rest? Or PM each other. It's not helpful to the OP and it's getting tedious for the rest of us

yanbu I’d be furious & quite possibly would be packing his bags for him.

Its clear that you’re not really dealing with an incident here, but an attitude. Fairly early on in our relationship (about four years in, when I was pregnant with our second child), my abusive ex called me a “fucking cunt”. At the time I told him if he ever called me a name again, it would be over for us.

And you know what? He never called me a name again. But he shifted tactics. Now I wasn’t a “fucking bitch”, I was a “controlling bully”. I was “oversensitive” and “making a big deal out of nothing”. A “drama queen”. All these criticisms were leveled at me in situations where, like you, OP, I was actually being perfectly reasonable.

If you decide to try to resolve this, be clear that it’s the underlying attitude, not the specific approach, that needs to be dealt with.