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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell H I will leave him if he ever says this again?

246 replies

FuckedOff11 · 17/10/2023 11:32

Background is we own a business together. We are very busy at the moment and so it's a bit stressful.

As always kids have the worst timing and I was rang today to collect our child from nursery because he's unwell.

H has flipped out (in front of other people who work with us) shouted at me that there's no way I'm being off tomorrow and if I don't ring nursery and refuse to pick DC up then he's not "paying me" (as if that's up to him when it's my business too).

Now I'm not actually worried about the money. I don't need his permission to pay myself, he's not my employer but I am absolutely raging about the way he spoke to me and the fact he thinks, whether he could do it or not, he can threaten me with money. It is not the first time he's threatened not to "pay me" if I don't do what he thinks is reasonable. I'm also appalled he thinks I should be refusing to pick our child up. I told him if he wants to go ahead and ring nursery he can get himself reported to SS but I'll be going to collect our child.

Now I'm at home stewing.

I know I'm not unreasonable to be mad. But my head can't stop going to immediately leaving, stressed or not, he acted so unacceptably.

OP posts:
GilberMarkham · 17/10/2023 13:03

MarkWithaC · 17/10/2023 12:59

'get your fucks in a row' Grin That's made my day.

Lol, I didn't even see it.

Clearly my autocorrect has come to reflect my sweariness.

Nanny0gg · 17/10/2023 13:04

curaçao · 17/10/2023 12:26

He was just stressed!

OFGS

MarkWithaC · 17/10/2023 13:06

GilberMarkham · 17/10/2023 13:03

Lol, I didn't even see it.

Clearly my autocorrect has come to reflect my sweariness.

Show quote history

Wish mine did! I'm forever having to change messages where autocorrect is insisting that what I really wanted to say was 'I don't give a duck' etc.

GuitarGeorge · 17/10/2023 13:06

Genuinely shocked by this. He sounds vile,

ExtinguishTheLight · 17/10/2023 13:07

Definitely definitely definitely YANBU.

GuitarGeorge · 17/10/2023 13:07

And no, YANBU to be annoyed.

NoKnit · 17/10/2023 13:08

I would have told the nursery to call his Dad and get him to collect child

ScribblingPixie · 17/10/2023 13:08

YANBU and I agree you should leave him if he speaks like that to you again.

WhichPage · 17/10/2023 13:08

Total lack of respect and a clear indication he doesn’t value your work equally to his own or your parenting!

A very selfish and unaware and undermining standpoint.

And it’s one I recognise

frankly facing this to save the relationship you absolutely need to work where you are respected and not together

and two ensure you are respected at home/in family life

Daffodilsandtuplips · 17/10/2023 13:09

Mumsanetta · 17/10/2023 11:39

”I cannot be with a man with such little respect for me that he would speak like that to me. So I want you to know that if you EVER speak to me like that again, I will leave you. If you try to justify the way you spoke to me, I will leave you. And that is not a threat, but a promise, because I deserve better.” This will work as either a text message or said face to face, but the key is to mean it with every fibre of your being.

This. But I’d add I will not compromise the safety or wellbeing of our child, ever. if nursery say he is ill and needs to be picked up I will collect him and if I need to stay at home to care for him then I will do that.

Honeybee798 · 17/10/2023 13:09

Wow, what a controlling piece of shit he is. Honestly, he’s told you who he is. Are you going to listen?

GilberMarkham · 17/10/2023 13:09

I'm sure op has been stressed in their business too - funny how she's not shouting at him to tell the daycare they can just keep their sick child, no-one's coming to collect them, and if he does go and get them, he's the automatic one to stay at home caring for them ..and as a result she's not paying him for that day (him being a co owner of the business).

(And this wouldn't be the first time she's told him he's not getting paid).

How come op's not acting like this, if it's due to stress that ppl act like this?

And does he act like this to other ppl in the business?
One would imagine he'd have been in court by now if he does.

How does he manage to control his "stress" then.

Perfect28 · 17/10/2023 13:11

What an arsehole. So he's happy to shout as his wife and business partner in front of others (not that that makes it better or worse really) but also to leave his sick child and to be rude to his childcare providers. I wouldn't be giving him another chance tbh.

AliceOlive · 17/10/2023 13:11

FuckedOff11 · 17/10/2023 12:03

You're all right I need a serious conversation.

Sounds a bit daft but I'm thinking of contacting my parent (where I'd get the most support if needed) and telling them about this situation. They think he's the best thing since sliced bread because I keep this side of him hush. Why should I. If he thinks it's an acceptable way to speak to me he shouldn't have any issue with people knowing.

Do this. I find I get the best support and advice from people who love me and love my husband, too. From people that know us well enough to know our strengths and to listen without permanently judging either of us for our mistakes.

You’ve already had tons of LTB posts. It’s not helpful.

He needs to calm TF down and sort himself out. He will do more destruction to your business with his childish emotional outbursts than you will be by leaving to take care of your child. He’s obviously stressed and doesn’t have the skills to deal with his emotions.

Don’t make ultimatums about your marriage. Tell him, when he calms down that he needs to figure out how to make sure he can handle himself. That you don’t want a business partner who acts like this.

GilberMarkham · 17/10/2023 13:11

MarkWithaC · 17/10/2023 13:06

Wish mine did! I'm forever having to change messages where autocorrect is insisting that what I really wanted to say was 'I don't give a duck' etc.

Show quote history

We need to swap autocorrects.

(I'm still wondering about the poster whose autocorrect changed "late for the gifting" to "late for the fisting" and how such a lovely sounding individual got autocorrect like that lol)

booksandbrooks · 17/10/2023 13:13

FuckedOff11 · 17/10/2023 12:03

You're all right I need a serious conversation.

Sounds a bit daft but I'm thinking of contacting my parent (where I'd get the most support if needed) and telling them about this situation. They think he's the best thing since sliced bread because I keep this side of him hush. Why should I. If he thinks it's an acceptable way to speak to me he shouldn't have any issue with people knowing.

Please do this. Get it out in the open. Good luck.

GilberMarkham · 17/10/2023 13:15

You’ve already had tons of LTB posts. It’s not helpful.

Core values do not change.

Your post shows quite a degree of delusion.

You are encouraging a woman to take ongoing abuse. You're encouraging her to try to reason with the unreasonable.

She's already lying by omission to her family about his behaviour.. . That is a bad sign.

MaryMcI · 17/10/2023 13:16

Pandor · 17/10/2023 12:27

How awful for people who work there - seeing this sort of behaviour taking place. It must have been deeply uncomfortable and was totally inappropriate.

Yep.

GilberMarkham · 17/10/2023 13:17

I'd be willing to put a tidy amount of money on op doing what the "just talk to him, just have it out with him" posters recommend..... And being back in this exact position in another while.

I don't know why ppl deluded themselves and others like this.

RainCloudsInTheSky · 17/10/2023 13:17

Slothlikemum · 17/10/2023 11:56

Well yeah. I mean a) it's humiliating and b) I hope none of those employees has children because they're going to be terrified to ever have to take time off for sick kids. Those employees now know exactly what he thinks of working parents.

Show quote history

Exactly this. If that was how my boss reacted to his own child needing picking up I would be looking for another job. Asap.

Missdemeanorz · 17/10/2023 13:18

During business, conflicts of interest may arise from outside. Children's interruptions can exacerbate tensions and lead to dismissive communication.
Conflicts of interest stemming from external factors can arise in a business setting. Unfortunately, children's interruptions intensify already frayed tempers, leading to dismissive and rude communication. It's crucial to maintain a professional demeanour and handle conflicts assertively.
Leaving the bastard is not the answer.
I know DP has just sacked a member of his team for lying and abusing sick leave.

BleakGarden · 17/10/2023 13:20

Um... you can't refuse to collect your sick child from nursery... it's not optional! He knows that right?

GilberMarkham · 17/10/2023 13:21

So I want you to know that if you EVER speak to me like that again, I will leave you

This is not the first time he's been like this.

Op has says she keeps this side of him from her family

She's specified the non payment threats have happened before.

Do we really think a man who didn't get left the X amount of times he's done similar before, will take that threat seriously?

This reminds me of Dougal in Father Ted saying "as I said the last time Ted, it'll never happen again".

This is already past the point of fixing imho, due to his character. He'll only get a handle on himself for a little while if he thinks op will walk; but he don't again. The values that a man would need to have to say the things he's said and act how he's acted ..... They don't change.

stayathomer · 17/10/2023 13:22

They're his kids too! Tell him he can take the day off so. Ugh!!!!

AliceOlive · 17/10/2023 13:23

GilberMarkham · 17/10/2023 13:15

You’ve already had tons of LTB posts. It’s not helpful.

Core values do not change.

Your post shows quite a degree of delusion.

You are encouraging a woman to take ongoing abuse. You're encouraging her to try to reason with the unreasonable.

She's already lying by omission to her family about his behaviour.. . That is a bad sign.

Ah, advice and judgement from from a person whose core values include telling strangers to make life-altering decisions based on reading about 50 words they wrote.

You are not as wise as you tell yourself.