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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell H I will leave him if he ever says this again?

246 replies

FuckedOff11 · 17/10/2023 11:32

Background is we own a business together. We are very busy at the moment and so it's a bit stressful.

As always kids have the worst timing and I was rang today to collect our child from nursery because he's unwell.

H has flipped out (in front of other people who work with us) shouted at me that there's no way I'm being off tomorrow and if I don't ring nursery and refuse to pick DC up then he's not "paying me" (as if that's up to him when it's my business too).

Now I'm not actually worried about the money. I don't need his permission to pay myself, he's not my employer but I am absolutely raging about the way he spoke to me and the fact he thinks, whether he could do it or not, he can threaten me with money. It is not the first time he's threatened not to "pay me" if I don't do what he thinks is reasonable. I'm also appalled he thinks I should be refusing to pick our child up. I told him if he wants to go ahead and ring nursery he can get himself reported to SS but I'll be going to collect our child.

Now I'm at home stewing.

I know I'm not unreasonable to be mad. But my head can't stop going to immediately leaving, stressed or not, he acted so unacceptably.

OP posts:
Boozlebammed · 17/10/2023 12:13

Blough · 17/10/2023 12:11

Also, you will likely need to advertise for staff soon, as no sane employee would stay at a place where one of the bosses is openly a misogynistic turd, whose marriage is in the shitter.

I agree with this. Your employees will be judging both of you for putting your DC through this. It sounds like your husband regards you as a slave, and your DC as an inconvenience.

Marblessolveeverything · 17/10/2023 12:14

There are so many worrying aspects of your post. His attitude to you - his behaviour - and his ignorance of how working parents have to always collect sick children.

Honestly, I could not stay. If you do he needs to apologise, in front of the same people, for the humiliation he caused and I would want a steadfast agreement he takes every second child illness.

Blough · 17/10/2023 12:15

@Thisisme23 the ‘LTB wagon’ is a good thing, trying to achieve the impossible task of getting women to have zero tolerance for any shit behaviour from males from the outset. Would save so much inter generational trauma if the trash was simply not indulged at all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/10/2023 12:16

Boozlebammed · 17/10/2023 12:13

I agree with this. Your employees will be judging both of you for putting your DC through this. It sounds like your husband regards you as a slave, and your DC as an inconvenience.

Show quote history

This is so true. He’s tanking the business with his outbursts far more than one of you needing to take a few days off to look after your child. How disrespectful.

Moveoverdarlin · 17/10/2023 12:17

He spoke to you appallingly, but I would have spoken appallingly right back, in front of everyone. I would have laughed and said ‘Listen, you don’t pay me and the welfare of my child is more important than my wages, but speak to me like that again and I’ll be off, and you’ll be doing all of this on your own you stupid prick’. Then announce to the room ‘Right guys I’m off to pick up DS from nursery, sorry to leave you in the lurch, does anyone need anything while I’m out? And then i would have pranced out the door and sent a barrage of abusive text messages to DH phone.

But that’s just me.

anon0007 · 17/10/2023 12:17

What an arsehole.

He would be getting his arse handed to him if he spoke to me like that.

AffableApple · 17/10/2023 12:17

He needs to publicly apologise to you, as well as everything everyone's said. He won't though.

Justonemorecoffeeplease · 17/10/2023 12:17

I'd definitely chat about this with your parent. I miss the days when I could talk to my mum about my OH. He's generally a lovely man but sometimes...grrr! It was really useful to talk this through with her and see what she thought.

It sounds like your OH needs his eyes opening about the realities of children and illnesses! I remember I had to take my first return to work day off as one of mine had been sick in the night. That's life. Luckily my husband and I used to talk through our days and see who was more able to step in and care. It has to be done. At times it was a bit like a Top Trumps trade off but it worked. We are both public sector employees though so I wonder if absence policy is bit fairer?

Good luck and enjoy your stew. Will the crockery be rattling around when he gets home? I'm quite good at making a cup of tea in a stroppy way...😂

Nowherenew · 17/10/2023 12:17

It is not the first time he's threatened not to "pay me" if I don't do what he thinks is reasonable.

How many times is he going to have to tell you what he thinks of you before you make a change?

Why are you giving him another chance when this has happened before?

He sees you as lower than staff.
He does not see you as an equal partner and has no problem telling you in front of others whenever you step out of place.

Original poster
FuckedOff11 · 17/10/2023 12:20

Moveoverdarlin · 17/10/2023 12:17

He spoke to you appallingly, but I would have spoken appallingly right back, in front of everyone. I would have laughed and said ‘Listen, you don’t pay me and the welfare of my child is more important than my wages, but speak to me like that again and I’ll be off, and you’ll be doing all of this on your own you stupid prick’. Then announce to the room ‘Right guys I’m off to pick up DS from nursery, sorry to leave you in the lurch, does anyone need anything while I’m out? And then i would have pranced out the door and sent a barrage of abusive text messages to DH phone.

But that’s just me.

Edited

Admittedly I wasn't silent, I did tell him to get himself reported to SS if he wanted but I'll be going. I also called him a fucking dick. But I didn't want to get into a shouting match with him then and there.

OP posts:
IsThatMyUmbrella · 17/10/2023 12:23

What's he like generally with your little boy? His brutal attitude to leave the little on to be ill at nursery makes me think he may not be very loving towards him generally. In which case, separating seems the obvious course of action. I support my husband in his business and he would never speak to me like that in front of anyone, or alone for that matter.

Geppili · 17/10/2023 12:24

🚩🚩🚩

TinChristmas · 17/10/2023 12:24

@FuckedOff11 dont worry about people saying what they would have said. It’s said in a cool space when they’ve read the posts and no one on real life ever really does have a witty comeback as these things are out of the blue.

fruitbrewhaha · 17/10/2023 12:24

Well if it’s not an isolated incident he is showing how he really thinks of you. He doesn’t see you as an equal.

OhComeOnFFS · 17/10/2023 12:25

Blough · 17/10/2023 12:15

@Thisisme23 the ‘LTB wagon’ is a good thing, trying to achieve the impossible task of getting women to have zero tolerance for any shit behaviour from males from the outset. Would save so much inter generational trauma if the trash was simply not indulged at all.

I totally agree with this. I don't think I've seen many cases where it was said but didn't apply, unless it was said as a joke.

If nothing else it might make a woman think, "Actually, I was exaggerating a bit there, he's not that bad" if she was just having a rant.

CaineRaine · 17/10/2023 12:25

Thedm · 17/10/2023 12:04

Pack a bag for him, leave it on the doorstep and text him that you need time to consider where you go from here and he needs to stay somewhere else for now. Tell him that if he won’t then you will take your child and you will stay somewhere else, but for the sake of your kid being able to stay at home, he should be the one to leave for a while. You need time.

This is what I’d do, he totally crossed a line and needs to understand the depth of your feelings about it.

piscofrisco · 17/10/2023 12:25

Well he's got an inflated idea about his own position in the world and your marriage hasn't he? He seems to think he's the boss at work and at home and you're some sort of paid employee at both.

Good luck to him when you get divorced and he suddenly has to do half off all the work on his own and no one is paying him! It will come as quite the shock.

I would be worried about his attitude but I'd be seething at being spoken to like that in front of other people especially at work.

Strong conversation needed op.

My dh once announced he was going away for work over a time period where we had loads on in terms of appointments, were due to have my DSS's (who require picking up an hour away), and I was due to be at work. When I looked vaguely incredulous he turned to my dd and said in a really patronising way 'what your mother has to realise is that I've got a huge job and I HAVE to do these things, I can't understand why she can't get her head around it'. It was the last time
he ever said anything like that-because regardless of who earns more, we are a team and one person doesn't call the shots. It's a joint effort.And I won't be patronised in that way by anyone, dh or not!

FOJN · 17/10/2023 12:25

He thinks the business is his, you are an employee and that children are your responsibility but you should magically be able to meet that responsibility without him, as your employer, needing to know about any conflict between the two priorities.

It sounds like you stand up for yourself but he still manages to behave like a dick. It's unreasonable and very unprofessional of him to behave that way in a work environment. You do not deserve to be reprimanded by a peer and your employees should not be expected to witness disagreement between you both.

Don't stew, organise your thoughts and have a conversation where you lay out your expectations for his behaviour towards you both at home and at work and make it clear that respectful and professional behaviour is non-negotiable.

And make the disrespectful fucker step up and do his share of parenting.

curaçao · 17/10/2023 12:26

He was just stressed!

Seaweed42 · 17/10/2023 12:26

It sounds like your Mum is a man-pleaser. (if the parent you mean is your Mum)
She thinks any husband is better than no husband.

She'll be no friend to you in this instance.
So she'll be encouraging you to stay with this horrible bully.

She'll be saying the likes of 'poor man he's under so much pressure. He's doing it because he loves you really.'
And all of that utter shite.

So we wary of that happening.

GingerIsBest · 17/10/2023 12:27

My god, if this is how he treats his business partner and wife, I dread to think how he treats the rest of his staff.

This is a massive red flag. I hope that the way the business is owned is clearly documented and you are protected because it sounds like he is a right dick. He might well be stressed if work is difficult right now, but that is no excuse.

Pandor · 17/10/2023 12:27

How awful for people who work there - seeing this sort of behaviour taking place. It must have been deeply uncomfortable and was totally inappropriate.

cheddercherry · 17/10/2023 12:28

I know all marriages go through ups and downs and I run my own business so I get the relentlessness of that (and yep this time of year goes wild) BUT is this what it is, day in and day out with him speaking to you like that? Is that really how he views you and your child?

I’m not a fan of the mumsnet tendency of an immediate “leave” response, but I do think sometimes you get moments in your life when you can step back and go is this really how I want my life to be, how I want to be treated? So if this was an outburst then I’m sure you’ll speak more about it, but you’ve mentioned it’s not the first time and I’d be inclined to say if this is just “how it is” then it really doesn’t sound much like a partnership I’d want to be in. Where’s the mutual respect, the support, the kindness? What’s he bringing to the table?

Sallyh87 · 17/10/2023 12:28

What a tool! Does he have redeeming qualities? I’m not sure I could be with such a man, but I acknowledge that it’s very easy to say that from the outside.

Hope you child is feeling better soon x

Blough · 17/10/2023 12:29

@curaçao So? OP is, too. Stressed adults don’t get to repeatedly act like scum to their spouse and child.

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