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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell H I will leave him if he ever says this again?

246 replies

FuckedOff11 · 17/10/2023 11:32

Background is we own a business together. We are very busy at the moment and so it's a bit stressful.

As always kids have the worst timing and I was rang today to collect our child from nursery because he's unwell.

H has flipped out (in front of other people who work with us) shouted at me that there's no way I'm being off tomorrow and if I don't ring nursery and refuse to pick DC up then he's not "paying me" (as if that's up to him when it's my business too).

Now I'm not actually worried about the money. I don't need his permission to pay myself, he's not my employer but I am absolutely raging about the way he spoke to me and the fact he thinks, whether he could do it or not, he can threaten me with money. It is not the first time he's threatened not to "pay me" if I don't do what he thinks is reasonable. I'm also appalled he thinks I should be refusing to pick our child up. I told him if he wants to go ahead and ring nursery he can get himself reported to SS but I'll be going to collect our child.

Now I'm at home stewing.

I know I'm not unreasonable to be mad. But my head can't stop going to immediately leaving, stressed or not, he acted so unacceptably.

OP posts:
BarleySugars · 17/10/2023 12:30

Woah, yeah YANBU. I'd be having a big chat with him about how the future looks as he just betrayed a complete lack of respect or care for HIS FAMILY. I left exDH for that. No regrets!

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2023 12:30

Fucking hell, you and your husband are nurturing an incredibly toxic work environment for your staff. The must be horrified and miserable in equal measure.

Something has got to give because this situation is untenable.

Nowherenew · 17/10/2023 12:31

GingerIsBest · 17/10/2023 12:27

My god, if this is how he treats his business partner and wife, I dread to think how he treats the rest of his staff.

This is a massive red flag. I hope that the way the business is owned is clearly documented and you are protected because it sounds like he is a right dick. He might well be stressed if work is difficult right now, but that is no excuse.

It sounds like he treats his staff better than his wife tbh.

I wonder if he ever threatens not to pay his staff, I doubt it.

He sees her as a slave who should feel lucky that he lets her have some money.

OP stepped out of line and he didn’t like it, so tried to humiliate her to put her back in her place.

He sounds like a vile piece of work.

SallyWD · 17/10/2023 12:31

Outrageous!!
And I find it quite sad that he thinks it's fine yo leave his sick child at nursery. The child should be resting at home.

LifeExperience · 17/10/2023 12:31

I would not stay with a man who had a problem with me picking up his unwell child from school. That is disrespectful to both you and your child, and where there is no respect, there is no love.

Codlingmoths · 17/10/2023 12:32

I too think pack him a bag. Do you love this business? Is it your passion and you built it up? I hope not, because I think the conditions of him returning need to be buying you out or working out the plan for this from the business, so you can work on having a separate career because nobody would work with that. Imagine being in a salaried role and someone threatened you like that. You’d go to hr and refuse to ever work with them again. Tough shit if buying you out puts any expansion plans on hold, you reap what you sow.
the second condition is he needs to apologise to all of his staff and say that he recognises they are people too, and naturally their families are their first priority; so if their children are sick they will get time off, don’t be scared to ask.

Consideringachange2023 · 17/10/2023 12:34

He doesn’t see you as an equal in this business.

Which fundamentally comes down to him not seeing you as an equal full stop sorry.

Which is why he thinks he can talk to you like a piece of shit on his shoe.

He’s done it before and without SIGNIFICANT change on his part he will do it again.

Yes we all say shit when we’re stressed but the majority of people don’t repeatedly talk to their partner like they are an employee and certainly don’t begrudge the caring for a poorly child and expect it not to be a priority.

I suppose you have to ask yourself why he thinks he can do this to you? Why does he assume he can threaten your pay? Why does he act as though you are not equal partners and team mates but rather, you are to do as he says…..

Well don’t ask yourself actually. Ask him. And if he doesn’t have a genuine apology and some serious self reflection on these questions then that’s a problem.

He’s done it multiple times now, so you have to be prepared to take action because it’s a character flaw not a heat of the moment reaction

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 17/10/2023 12:34

My husband and I also own and run a business together and we find that the absolute best bit about it is that it gives us a degree of flexibility around family life that we just wouldn’t get in normal employ.

Not only is your husband being a dick, he’s being a stupid dick. A lot of my very clever and able female friends are working part time in jobs they are too qualified for, for less money than they are worth because they have childcare commitments. He needs to pull his head out of his ass.

Who even does the accounts though? I bet it’s you and not him. Don’t pay him.

roses321 · 17/10/2023 12:35

My EX partner did this around our house and how I should behave if I wanted to live in my own house which I was a joint owner of.

I left and called a lawyer because it is abusive as hell. He now lives in OUR house and pays all of the mortgage in exchange for me NOT charging him occupational rent since obviously his rules are the only rules, so he can live there alone. I will however be taking my 50% equity when it's sold.

Fionaville · 17/10/2023 12:38

Wow he's bang out of order! If you're not prepared to pack his bags yet, I would absolutely wipe the floor with him. Tell him he's not your boss, your kids come first and you'll take him to the bloody cleaners if he tries that shit one more time. Honestly, he needs bringing down a peg or two, you've let him get away with this attitude for too long. Let him see he's not dealing with a doormat.

Heronwatcher · 17/10/2023 12:39

What happened last time? How many times has he done it?

I think I’d be paying myself for special carers leave and taking myself off for a few days to give him a bit of time to think- for men in particular actions speak much louder than words if you want the message to be understood. Could you go and stay with your parents until the weekend?

Honestly I’d also be looking for a new job with a company unconnected to him or freelance/ self employed- if you do eventually split up this would seem to put you in a much stronger financial position. I’d also be making sure that joint assets (personal or business) are protected and that you have a savings pot you can access easily. You need to protect your financial independence in case his behaviour gets worse and you need to leave.

Lourdes12 · 17/10/2023 12:41

Why do you have to pick your son up in the first place, can't he do it?

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 17/10/2023 12:42

Blough · 17/10/2023 12:15

@Thisisme23 the ‘LTB wagon’ is a good thing, trying to achieve the impossible task of getting women to have zero tolerance for any shit behaviour from males from the outset. Would save so much inter generational trauma if the trash was simply not indulged at all.

Yes but come on, we all know there are many who cry LTB on here if someone's partner so much as leaves the top off the toothpaste tube. I don't mean this thread btw (OP, I'd struggle to get past this too) and I don't mean the jokey/'ironic' LTBs either - in general LTB does get used a lot in all seriousness on here and sometimes it's overkill.

PerspiringElizabeth · 17/10/2023 12:44

DaftQuestionForToday · 17/10/2023 11:40

I wouldn't bother with an ultimatum or a 'sit down talk'. There's no point, because it's not about him 'not doing it again' it's about how he feels about you, your marriage & your child and he's told you loud & clear.

Yeah I think if you’ve got to the point of this ultimatum then you should break up anyway. Do you really want to stay with someone to whom you have to spell out how to treat you?

IveHadItUpToHere · 17/10/2023 12:46

You have to tell your parent what has happened. Bad behaviour needs brought into the light. And you need support in RL not just from strangers on the internet. If your ILs are reasonable people then tell them too.

Dweetfidilove · 17/10/2023 12:46

Do your employees ever need to leave work or have a day off for dependent?

Does he shout at them too?

whynotwhatknot · 17/10/2023 12:46

why give him yet another chance to say it to you how many many is enough

Thedm · 17/10/2023 12:49

Shouting and swearing at each other in front of your employees though… you’re creating a really hostile and uncomfortable working environment for them. Not to mention that they’ll all be very scared of taking leave for a dependant now.

There is a lot to fix here.

MarkWithaC · 17/10/2023 12:50

Quite apart from anything else, it's hugely unprofessional to speak to you like that in front of employees.
You say it's not the first time; how many chances are you willing to give him?

Thewolvesarerunningagain · 17/10/2023 12:50

good grief! He’d be coming home to his stuff on the pavement if he dared speak to me like that. Good he’s shown his colours at last. Time for him to move out and on so you can concentrate on your business and your family. What a loser. Sorry you got a booby prize this time round but plenty more and better partners who might (just might) actually deserve you.

MandyFriend · 17/10/2023 12:51

Having run a business with my husband for nearly 30 years whilst raising our two daughters, I am horrified by your husband's behavior!
It sounds like you can hold your own against him, but quite frankly in this situation, you shouldn't have to. Your child is sick so obviously you have to go and collect them! If he spoke to an employee in such a way, he'd find himself in front of an employment tribunal faster than you can say UCAS!
Please take time to consider your situation because this man's uncaring attitude towards you and his own child is deeply concerning. Is he different at home or is this just the way he treats you in general?
I get how hard it is to live and work with your partner, but there are some huge red flags here that you cannot ignore.

GilberMarkham · 17/10/2023 12:54

You keep this side of him "hushed" to your family so it doesn't change their opinion of him .... Having to do that/feeling you have to do that; is, imho, a sign you're in an abusive relationship.

The ordering you to refuse to collect a sick child whom daycare want to send home ...... So he neither cares about his child's best interests nor does he have a tap of respect for the owners/workers in the daycare, who won't have made this decision on a whim.

Then he has no respect for you and threatens you and talks down to you like you're an employee of his (except anyone who actually behaved like this to an employee would end up in a tribunal) while you're actually a co-owner of the business (???!!). It's clear where he considered your position in the business and family to be, regardless of what the paperwork says.

As posters have said ...he's shown you his values and outlook. I doubt that will change. maybe it's time to get your fucks in a row. Because it's easy to see this happening again ..... and again.

MarkWithaC · 17/10/2023 12:59

'get your fucks in a row' Grin That's made my day.

hby9628 · 17/10/2023 13:01

I would be absolutely raging about this. Not just the way he spoke to you but also the fact that his child is sick and he doesn't give a shit. Unforgivable. I understand people are under pressure at work but your child should be your priority especially if they are ill.
Hope you are okay Op. I don't know how you didn't give him a piece of your mind there and then.

GilberMarkham · 17/10/2023 13:02

Consideringachange2023 · 17/10/2023 12:34

He doesn’t see you as an equal in this business.

Which fundamentally comes down to him not seeing you as an equal full stop sorry.

Which is why he thinks he can talk to you like a piece of shit on his shoe.

He’s done it before and without SIGNIFICANT change on his part he will do it again.

Yes we all say shit when we’re stressed but the majority of people don’t repeatedly talk to their partner like they are an employee and certainly don’t begrudge the caring for a poorly child and expect it not to be a priority.

I suppose you have to ask yourself why he thinks he can do this to you? Why does he assume he can threaten your pay? Why does he act as though you are not equal partners and team mates but rather, you are to do as he says…..

Well don’t ask yourself actually. Ask him. And if he doesn’t have a genuine apology and some serious self reflection on these questions then that’s a problem.

He’s done it multiple times now, so you have to be prepared to take action because it’s a character flaw not a heat of the moment reaction

A perfect summary.

When someone has values like this; you ain't changing them, im sorry.

He's also spectacularly unreasonable and clearly shit at coping with stress; not good qualities in a partner and coparent and co business owner.

(Not that he sees you as a co business owner).

Your employees must be so uncomfortable and feel so sorry for you and think he's such a absolute arsehole.

Do they even realise you co own the business?

Humiliating you in front of your employees - yours as well as his - is just another ingredient in the shit sandwich.