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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to buy presents for someone who doesn't buy back?

341 replies

notputtingupwithit · 17/10/2023 11:18

Now I know you shouldn't buy to receive but we've never received a birthday or Christmas card or present from our adult son ever, our daughters all do but my son doesn't.
Every Christmas he comes around and opens presents from aunts, cousins, grandparents and us and his sisters while giving no presents in return.
Also every family birthday goes by with out any acknowledgment whatsoever but he'll happily sit and open presents on his birthday.

His sister brought him a very special birthday present this year and as expected got nothing for her birthday just 2 weeks later.

AIBU to just let his next birthday slide and see how he feels? I don't buy to receive but do feel he is taking the piss out of grandparents and wider family which irritates me.
Also want to add he's a very high earner so it has nothing to do with money.

OP posts:
Pugdays · 17/10/2023 11:22

One of my son's is the same ,I'm seeing him in a whole new light recently

Ragruggers · 17/10/2023 11:23

How old is he? I would ask him why he ignores everyone’s birthdays and Christmas.See what he says,he doesn’t sound a very nice person,very selfish.Ifhe doesn’t want to buy presents he can give vouchers.Plain speaking is what I would do.Enough is enough.

Pugdays · 17/10/2023 11:23

In fact my son lives at home and despite his paying £50 a week rent / food ,he refuses to contribute,as well as the no presents .

Pugdays · 17/10/2023 11:24

His sister

Possimpible · 17/10/2023 11:25

Speak to him..? If you, his parents, don't pull him up on his bad behaviour/poor etiquette who will?

AmandaHoldensLips · 17/10/2023 11:26

Boys who are allowed to get away with this shitty behaviour turn into the shitty men/husbands we read about here in mumsnet who never bother with their gf/wives birthdays or christmas.

Dramatic · 17/10/2023 11:27

Have you not just asked him?

Somewhatchallenging · 17/10/2023 11:27

Speak to him first. Ask him why he hasn’t, and ask him to in future. Though I think as adults, no presents from and to aunts, cousins etc is normal.

KookyAndSpooky · 17/10/2023 11:27

I would tell him that you've come to realise that he isn't a 'present person' and will no longer be giving him any gifts going forward. I would tell his siblings too, so that it isn't awkward on Christmas day.

viques · 17/10/2023 11:27

I would say you have been thinking about Christmas and have decided that since he is obviously embarrassed by the whole present exchanging thing you are going to make it easier for him not to take part and will not expect him to either give or receive presents this year.

See what he says!

TheFlis · 17/10/2023 11:28

I’m amazed his sisters haven’t had a go at him about this if nobody else! Do the rest of the family ever mention it?

EvilElsa · 17/10/2023 11:28

YANBU.
I'd send a card still and probably buy a box of chocolates or tin of biscuits, but I wouldn't be forking out for special gifts for someone who can't be arsed to reciprocate, even with just a card. It's beyond rude and how he can sit and open presents while arriving empty handed without being in the slightest bit embarrassed says a lot.

PatchworkElmer · 17/10/2023 11:28

I think that rather than being passive aggressive, I’d speak to him first.

viques · 17/10/2023 11:28

Snap KookyandSpooky!

AmandaHoldensLips · 17/10/2023 11:28

I'd definitely call a halt to any further gifts or cards, and when he complains (which he will) tell him loud and clear that you're putting in the same effort with his birthday and christmas as he does for other people including his own family.

Birthdays and christmas are not surprises - they fall on the same days every year. Selfish fuck.

Monkeymonkeymoo · 17/10/2023 11:29

I’d ask if he wants to be involved in present giving. If he does then I’d point out that he also needs to give presents back. If he doesn’t then I’d get him one token present from the whole family to unwrap (a box of chocolates etc) and then not worry about him otherwise.
That way it’s his choice if he wants to be involved or not, just make it clear that receiving but not giving isn’t an option!

Original poster
notputtingupwithit · 17/10/2023 11:30

I want to speak to him but in a way it's not the same if he didn't chose to buy something of his own back and I was worried it would look like I was buying to receive.

OP posts:
Original poster
notputtingupwithit · 17/10/2023 11:31

TheFlis · 17/10/2023 11:28

I’m amazed his sisters haven’t had a go at him about this if nobody else! Do the rest of the family ever mention it?

To me yes but not to him.

OP posts:
FrozenGhost · 17/10/2023 11:32

I'd say stop, and he would probably be very happy with this. You say that he "happily accepts" presents bought for him as if he's being sneaky or mean by doing this, but what is he supposed to do? Give it back and say "no thanks, I don't want this". Of course he has to smile and say it's great.

I don't do presents either, not because of money worries but I just think it's a waste. I don't want any presents myself and don't like getting them. I let everyone know though, and I am generous to family and friends in other ways, such as paying for our dinner if we go out.

Coldinscotland · 17/10/2023 11:33

Adult ds was the same 3 years ago. He then assaulted his youngest sibling Christmas day... Saw him nye at a meal out then not since...

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 17/10/2023 11:33

That is outrageous. I’d be horrified if my children did that as adults and you are a saint for letting it go on this long without kicking off about it. Especially taking gifts from his sister and not returning one. Selfish doesn’t even cover it

(Obvs fine if he doesn’t want to participate in exchanging presents but the absolute cheek of him to continually accept them, and not get one in return)

QuiltedHippo · 17/10/2023 11:34

I wouldn't mention your own gifts but "why on earth haven't you got your sister a present when she made such an effort with you" is fine

EvilElsa · 17/10/2023 11:35

I'd not bother to speak to him -he's an adult. He knows it's rude. Just buy him a token small gift and if he questions it tell him why. It's up to the rest of the family to do as they see fit in the future with regards to gifts, they can make their own decisions.

VickyEadieofThigh · 17/10/2023 11:35

You say to him that you're not especially bothered for yourself but it's seriously bad manners not to reciprocate to the other family members who buy him cards and presents for his birthday and Xmas.

I would ask him if he'd like you to intervene on his behalf and ask the others if he'd like them to stop buying for him. If he says no, then tell him he MUST reciprocate.

10HailMarys · 17/10/2023 11:35

He’s a selfish, lazy arsehole and you need to have a word with him and say that he gets nothing from anyone from now on unless he reciprocates. Why the hell is he allowed to get away with this when your daughters make the effort? You should have said something years ago, frankly.

The first time Christmas came round when I was with my ex, he actually laughed about the fact that his sister and parents bought him gifts every year while he had never - literally never - given them anything. This was a man in his early 40s. Stop indulging your son by putting up with this shit. It’s not on.

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