Not to buy presents for someone who doesn't buy back?

[notputtingupwithit]

Now I know you shouldn't buy to receive but we've never received a birthday or Christmas card or present from our adult son ever, our daughters all do but my son doesn't.
Every Christmas he comes around and opens presents from aunts, cousins, grandparents and us and his sisters while giving no presents in return.
Also every family birthday goes by with out any acknowledgment whatsoever but he'll happily sit and open presents on his birthday.

His sister brought him a very special birthday present this year and as expected got nothing for her birthday just 2 weeks later.

AIBU to just let his next birthday slide and see how he feels? I don't buy to receive but do feel he is taking the piss out of grandparents and wider family which irritates me.
Also want to add he's a very high earner so it has nothing to do with money.

My BIL is the same. Says he doesn’t do Xmas but has no embarrassment in receiving gifts from others. His dc have never had a present from him. He has also never taken them away on holiday. His oldest is now 20. I don’t understand why women put up with this sort of man. I always get him a present as I would feel horrible about leaving him out.

Why are your daughters doing this?
You I understand but please tell your daughters not to do this, it's horrible!
I stopped buying for DHs family the fist year they did not buy for us (so they got 1 gift). I buy for 2 of my DBs as the other 5 do not buy for me. They comment and have their arms out and I mock them mercilessly - as they deserve!

Yanbu my brother is exactly the same. He doesn't even buy gifts for his nieces and nephews yet us sisters always buy him bday and Xmas gifts and never get anything in return.

I'm also really surprised his sisters haven't said something to him

My son isn't like that but they still buy together even though they live apart. They increase their budget and decide on ideas between them. I'm sure if either wasn't pulling their weight they'd complain to.each other!

My guess is women put up with this and buy him gifts because they too would feel horrible about leaving him out!

Exactly!

Don’t be raising another of those selfish oafs I’m always reading about on here.

I'm challenging my brother on this this year now 🤣

I once said in front of the whole family
"DB, don't you find it embarrassing that your grandma who is 92 and on a state pension got you a Christmas card and gift and you did nothing for her, nothing" and he did then buy her 12 bottles of sherry and take them round as an apology. Some of these rich bastards get that way by being selfish and faking ignorance. It is not just the money, the time, the wrapping, the planning.

I think with manners and etiquette, if parents don't teach you, then who will?

You could say ‘I have noticed you don’t buy any gifts, is there a reason for that?’

then the ball is in his court to give you an answer.

DH gets his mum a box of Malteasrs at best. It just doesn’t occur to him to buy presents. He has a very good relationship with his mum and does a lot for her; he’s just not a gift giver.

He’s the kind of person who buys stuff when he needs it, so he doesn’t ever want anything himself for birthdays or Christmas.

This is really odd, how old is he?

What happened when he was a child? My children from the age of about five were given a small amount to buy a present for their siblings and I would take them to the shop to choose something. So it might have only been £2 at age five rising to say £10 by the time they were 10.

Speak to him and say you’d love to exchange presents but are also happy if he’d rather not, making clear that exchange involves him giving gifts as well as receiving.

Being generous, he might just not get the point of all the expense but sees it as making you happy. If so, just agree that neither of you needs a gift and keep your money in your pocket.

This is so true.

You (both you and your DH) should have shown him what to expect and what to do when it comes time for birthdays/anniversaries/whatever.

I would point it out to him one more time. It's not acceptable to do what he's doing any longer.

Yup!!! Do it.

Is there anything about his behaviour that would suggest to you that he doesn't understand social etiquette? I'm thinking about the difference between my family and DHs. Mine are a pretty neurodiverse bunch and it's pretty typical to not get presents/get them very late/not yet wrapped.

I don't have an adult DS, but if I were you, I would just tell him quite plainly that he is being bought presents and he isn't buying any in return. Ask him if he likes receiving them. If no, then let everyone know that he doesn't want the presents. If yes, then it is expected for him to buy something too. Perhaps you could suggest what people might like. He might appreciate some straight-talking. Feels bizarre that your DDs would talk to you, but not him. Makes me think there's a communication issue.

Interested to see what the outcome of a conversation is!

I’m stunned! In my family or my in laws they might have got away with it once but the next Christmas one of the siblings would be calling out the tight git in front of everyone and asking where their gifts to give were!

see, I don't buy that. Some people enjoy buying gifts more than others, some people love shopping, others hate it, that is true.

It doesn't mean someone does not know a gesture for someone else would be the kind thing to do, even if it's some flowers or something they like.

That is brilliantly worded

You need to talk to him.
Either he’s stingy or just unaware.
Dont moan behind his back get it out there

How long has this been going on for? You've enabled this selfish lazy behaviour.

If you don't want to speak to him about not getting you presents for fear of looking like you're giving to receive, you have the perfect opportunity to bring it up whenever he doesn't buy anything for somebody else. I would speak to him about it, but yeah it's fine to stop buying him presents, it doesn't sound like he deserves them.

Curious to know whether you taught him to buy presents for others growing up

This would perfectly describe my brother. We're (un)fortunate to both have birthdays within a week of Christmas - which does not excuse his behaviour - but he sees it as an opportunity to only do one present, which has not been agreed beforehand.

It was our parents' 70th birthdays last year - we'd agreed to go halfers on a big present for both of them. 18 months later I'm still waiting for the money - even my Dad tried talking to him and then put the onus on me to ask him for the money again, which I refuse to do. The man is 34 and earns a decent wage. If he can't be bothered then I won't be either.

If I were you I'd be telling him that his attitude hasn't gone unnoticed, and if he isn't going to bother reciprocating on presents then he can't expect anything.

He could have mild autism.

still allows him to ignore his future partner if he's not that bothered about receiving gifts, so I am not sure it's the right way.

It's ok if you couldn't care less about your own adult birthday for example, it doesn't mean it's an excuse to ignore your partner's birthday.