Not to buy presents for someone who doesn't buy back?

[notputtingupwithit]

Now I know you shouldn't buy to receive but we've never received a birthday or Christmas card or present from our adult son ever, our daughters all do but my son doesn't.
Every Christmas he comes around and opens presents from aunts, cousins, grandparents and us and his sisters while giving no presents in return.
Also every family birthday goes by with out any acknowledgment whatsoever but he'll happily sit and open presents on his birthday.

His sister brought him a very special birthday present this year and as expected got nothing for her birthday just 2 weeks later.

AIBU to just let his next birthday slide and see how he feels? I don't buy to receive but do feel he is taking the piss out of grandparents and wider family which irritates me.
Also want to add he's a very high earner so it has nothing to do with money.

I know this is the sort of stuff that Mumsnet feeds on but…..

why don’t you just ask him rather than giving food to the man haters on here?

My son isn’t good at presents either and it actually paralyses him with the thought of buying them. And yes I’ve raised him properly so that he can be a good husband to someone etc etc….

Alternatively get one of his sisters to have a word.

I'd have a conversation and mention that he doesn't buy presents for family and would he prefer to not do gift giving. ?

You 100% enable hisbehaviour yet now you are upset about it. Mind boggling!

You guys gotta call him on his shit!!

I’m really struggling to understand how he’s reached the age of 27 and not one conversation has been had with him about this. You’re his parents. Talk to him! Jeez.

I blame his parents!

I wouldn't be telling my kids to buy presents for me or DH, but I would suggest they do for grandparents if they weren't already doing so. My sons were never great buyers of gifts, but my daughter has sorted them out and they do family gifts jointly.

Oh yes, you're right, I missed that bit !!!!

If he's 27, with no neurodiversity or financial worries that you are aware of. I'd talk to him, parent to child... and explain that whilst you do not give to receive, that you enjoy buying him a gift, along with his extended family but that you do not understand why he never returns the gesture. See what he says....

i may be projecting but this has really touched a nerve as I’m the daughter in this scenario and my DBro is the same.

Growing up, I always called my DBro out, saying ‘Oi, where’s my present you lazy sod?’ but DM would always leap in to defend him ‘Oh it’s no big deal/ you don’t give to receive’ etc.

So once I became an adult and knew better, I just stopped buying. But as DM had enabled him for years, the entitlement spilled over into every aspect of family life.

Every gift my DM buys for wider family (hosting token, wedding present etc) has his name added as she knows he won’t buy anything, and she gets upset with me if I buy a separate gift (as giving a joint present from all of us is more effective in masking his uselessness). Like the OP’s son, he is a high earner.

As my parents got older and needed a lot of support, DB was nowhere to be seen. He never visited DDad in hospital and when he passed, DBro wasn’t interested in visiting DM, calling friends and family to tell them the news, helping with funeral arrangements etc. I’ve called him out for years and am now done and low contact. DM still makes endless excuses for his behaviour which has strained our relationship.

OP, by not objecting to your son’s behaviour what you’ve saying to him is that the normal rules of family life don’t apply to him, that he can do what he likes.

Yes, it does rather reek of "Golden Child" syndrome.

I really don't think your parents have ever thought how their preference for your brother has affected you Hazycoffeek, and that's really shitty of them.

Bet he gets preference in their wills too. Awful, awful people. I'm so sorry.

OP, I do hope there will be an update after you have spoken to him. I would guess he is just a chancer and thinks everyone else is a mug for getting him presents. I hope you can get the rest of the family to stop buying him presents asap.

The man is 27 years old and you've never pulled him on it.

Absolutely 100% your fault here. Awful parenting. In fact, awful enabling on the families part here. No one says anything to him, but rant to you, and you think it's a good idea to say nothing.

Your son is a selfish brat. And you've all allowed it.

I blame the parents.

Why didn't you sort this years ago?

My DSS is the same.

He loves to receive gifts, will get involved with the choosing and uses everything that he is given. But he very rarely gives gifts himself.
I did ask him about it as it is embarrassing at Christmas when we are all exchanging gifts and he happily accepts and comments but has nothing to give. A few times when questioned he has said that he forgot them but they never show up.
He is now an adult but I have been almost confronting him for over 10 years. It isn’t a money issue as I would bring him shopping or give him money when he was a child. He just does not seem to have the want to buy gifts.

he has no mental health issues, he has 3 very loving families as my family treat him as my son too. He knows it is wrong as I tell him it’s weird and embarrassing but he really doesn’t care. Makes excuses but never bothers then the next time at Christmas, Father’s Day, birthday etc.

it’s like an entitlement and he wants to be showered with gifts and love and almost enjoys not giving it back.

I adore DSS and we have a fantastic relationship- this is one part of him that does not tie in with the rest of him. He can be very selfish but usually cares what others think of him.

@Judithandhol have you not considered not giving him presents?

I think you need to sit down and discuss it with him. Calmly ask him if he wants to participate in presents in future and you have noticed he doesn’t seem to want to ‘be involved’ and then depending on his answer say you will continue to give or not give presents to him.

@notputtingupwithit
I hope you do update - I would like to hear what happens!
I'm facing up to having to have a similar talk pre-Christmas. My husband and I come from different backgrounds in this respect - gifts are not a big thing in his family, quite a big thing (and appreciated) in mine.

He and my son are both minimalists who are stressed out by too much stuff. We've arrived at a suitable balance: they get small, consumable gifts from those that really want to give, or (in Son's case) money to spend or save.

But I need to start training Son in the rudiments of figuring out whether someone else would like a present and doing the work. Husband is not very good at this and gets overwhelmed: he can do it but I often trade tasks with him (he does lots of other things well). Son is twelve. I feel I've left it a bit late. Your post makes me feel I must get on with it.

I think it's slightly harder now that everything is online - in the past, I might have taken the kids out Christmas shopping with me. Now I mostly do it after they're in bed and I have a moment's peace and it might as well be Santa for all the effort they see.

Daughter loves to shop and make and give things to people, and almost needs the other message - don't give people gifts unless you are reasonably confident they want them, because not everyone knows what to do with a lot of stuff!

Jesus, he's a selfish brat.

My brother suddenly stopped buying presents at Christmas without a word of warning but was happy to accept everyone else's. He got away with it for two years but I then refused to buy any more. I wouldn't have minded but he was still living at home and not contributing to any bills whereas I was paying mortgage, bills etc as well as budgeting for presents.

My mum then had a go at me because "it's about giving, not receiving". I pointed out that I was the one doing the giving 🙄. I've just got him a card and feel very sorry for his wife now.

The easiest solution here is just to talk to him about it. If you don’t like the way he’s acting, let him know.

Tell him that it is courtesy to give presents and that since he doesn't think they are important, he won’t get any more.

@MrsMara

urgh some women can’t help blaming a woman for an ADULT MAN’S behaviour!!

INTERNALISED MISOGYNY

How did u manage to raise such a selfish tight arsehole?

What people seem to forget is that a gift is just that - a gift. Not to expect something in return. You do it because you want to, not because you have to.
I hate the whole faff and unnecessary expense of present buying/giving, especially for adults in the family. My sister and I gave over in our early 20’s. We still do cards though. Any gifts to nieces /nephews under 21 are usually just money to put towards any bigger items they have their hearts set on.
How about suggesting a secret Santa type event instead? Throw all names into a hat. Everyone pick one name out and that’s who they buy for. Cheaper,then everyone still gets a prezzy to open. We’ve all had those presents we smile sweetly at , say thank you for, then put to the back of a cupboard and/or re-gift to someone else. All in all it’s a waste imho to buy for adults.
If you want to buy for others, fair enough, but to expect one in return totally not acceptable. YABU but do address the situ with him to clear the air and the rest of family. You may find they are happy to relinquish this yearly present ritual and expectation.

If you want to buy for others, fair enough, but to expect one in return totally not acceptable.

Unreasonable or not, I think it is more unreasonable to expect a present when you wouldn't give one yourself, which this man is doing. It would be different if he wasn't.