Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to buy presents for someone who doesn't buy back?

341 replies

notputtingupwithit · 17/10/2023 11:18

Now I know you shouldn't buy to receive but we've never received a birthday or Christmas card or present from our adult son ever, our daughters all do but my son doesn't.
Every Christmas he comes around and opens presents from aunts, cousins, grandparents and us and his sisters while giving no presents in return.
Also every family birthday goes by with out any acknowledgment whatsoever but he'll happily sit and open presents on his birthday.

His sister brought him a very special birthday present this year and as expected got nothing for her birthday just 2 weeks later.

AIBU to just let his next birthday slide and see how he feels? I don't buy to receive but do feel he is taking the piss out of grandparents and wider family which irritates me.
Also want to add he's a very high earner so it has nothing to do with money.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 17/10/2023 11:36

The real crime is why, as his parents have you not challenged his decision? There is something called ‘respectfully challenging’

Is he not buying gifts for girlfriends? Will he buy them for his future wife and kids?

Is he mean, tight & greedy? If so what influences that?

Often these answers lie closer to home than you think!

Thebigblueballoon · 17/10/2023 11:38

The fact you haven’t challenged him on this is an example of bad parenting. Your son is selfish and self-absorbed, and he needs to be pulled up on his behaviour. And, no, don’t buy him any Christmas presents this year. It’s his turn.

10HailMarys · 17/10/2023 11:38

notputtingupwithit · 17/10/2023 11:30

I want to speak to him but in a way it's not the same if he didn't chose to buy something of his own back and I was worried it would look like I was buying to receive.

It’s not about ‘buying to receive’ ffs. It’s just about not rewarding an adult man for being a rude, selfish cunt. His sisters manage to be decent human beings so why don’t you expect the same from your son? He’s treating the whole family like shit.

Koalaslippers · 17/10/2023 11:44

My brother is like this, my mum has talked to him about it and he just says that he doesn't have any money. He does and presents don't have to be big, a card for my DC and a chocolate bar would suffice. I now don't do anything for his birthday and just give a token gift for Christmas.

CaineRaine · 17/10/2023 11:45

“Hi son, just a heads up that we’ve realised you don’t place the same importance on the giving of gifts as we do so to prevent any future awkwardness and to address the imbalance, we won’t buy for you from now on. Thought it best to make this clear in advance of Christmas/ your birthday etc”

forrestgreen · 17/10/2023 11:45

I made it very clear that as soon as my kids started full time jobs they were no longer 'children' so if they expected a gift off family then they also bought.
We all establish budgets and spend the same on each other.

You're currently setting your ds up as an awful parter/boyfriend/husband.

He needs a reality check. And please let the rest of the family know if he decides he doesn't want to partake in gift giving/receiving.

SacAMain · 17/10/2023 11:45

You cannot go back in time, but what on earth have you been doing in the past years?

You have that conversation from Primary school age! No, it's not about "buying", but a little gesture based on what you can do and afford is a given.

I would seriously call him out!

Sloth66 · 17/10/2023 11:46

You say he’s a high earner, so presumably he’s mean and can’t be bothered. That says a lot about him. I wouldn’t bother giving him anything at all.

2weekstowait · 17/10/2023 11:46

I would have asked him the first time it happened why he didn’t get presents for anyone. Did he choose small gifts for family when he was young and still at home? Or was there no expectation from him?

SBHon · 17/10/2023 11:50

I agree to talk to him about it now. Do you message each other? I’d probably message rather than face to face.

SacAMain · 17/10/2023 11:51

this horrible attitude will have an impact on his own relationships. You are doing no favour at all in allowing such behaviour.

We're mums, we'll take it, there are no real consequence on being a selfish prat of a son. Other people don't have to tolerate it, and they shouldn't. He will be the one paying for it, so as a mum, it's our job to teach them to be decent human beings, if only for their own interest!

Princesspollyyy · 17/10/2023 11:51

Thebigblueballoon · 17/10/2023 11:38

The fact you haven’t challenged him on this is an example of bad parenting. Your son is selfish and self-absorbed, and he needs to be pulled up on his behaviour. And, no, don’t buy him any Christmas presents this year. It’s his turn.

^^ this

MollsDolls · 17/10/2023 11:52

This. My bro is just a dick in ways. He stopped buying for my sis, me & my kids a number of years ago too. They're teens now and thankfully we've brought them up, like many I'm sure, not to expect presents. But he has 3 girls. 1 with a previous partner who doesn't let us see my niece (whole different rant. She's a c u next tuesday). I don't get to see my other 2 nieces to often either as he's very self absorbed and his partner has no family here so whenever we try to get together they've "plans" with her friends. But back to my point, I still buy for his girls because I want to.

See....another rant. Apologies

Circumferences · 17/10/2023 11:54

I want to speak to him but in a way it's not the same if he didn't chose to buy something of his own back and I was worried it would look like I was buying to receive.

That is massively over thinking the situation to the point of ridiculous.

By not saying anything you're letting him get away with an unbelievably selfish attitude to life.

You say he's "not short of money" well no wonder, being such a bloody tight fist!

Mumsanetta · 17/10/2023 11:55

notputtingupwithit · 17/10/2023 11:30

I want to speak to him but in a way it's not the same if he didn't chose to buy something of his own back and I was worried it would look like I was buying to receive.

This is a poor reason not to speak to him very sternly about this. It matters not whether the considerate behaviour we are asking to see is off his own back or the result of a telling off, particularly as my guess is that he didn’t buy gifts when he was younger and was also not spoken to then.

genesis92 · 17/10/2023 11:56

You need to teach him a lesson, so you shouldn't carry on buying presents.

There's always such different expectations on daughters compared to sons. As a daughter with a brother like your son, it really gets my goat.

Men shouldn't be allowed to get away with lack of effort, selfishness etc anymore than women should.

Dragonsandcats · 17/10/2023 11:56

What did you do when he was a younger child? We always took our kids out to buy presents for close family. Initially we funded it while they made the effort to look and choose, now they pay.

Mumsanetta · 17/10/2023 11:57

SacAMain · 17/10/2023 11:51

this horrible attitude will have an impact on his own relationships. You are doing no favour at all in allowing such behaviour.

We're mums, we'll take it, there are no real consequence on being a selfish prat of a son. Other people don't have to tolerate it, and they shouldn't. He will be the one paying for it, so as a mum, it's our job to teach them to be decent human beings, if only for their own interest!

I am a mum and I most certainly will not take it! My 4 year old already understands that we exchange gifts as a sign of appreciation and thanks for the other person.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/10/2023 12:00

I think you need to be direct with him, @notputtingupwithit - otherwise you are putting up with it.

"Albert - everyone has noticed that you happily receive presents from all of us but never bother to get anyone else a present. You are not obligated to buy for anyone else, but in the future, we won't be obligated to buy for you either."

SacAMain · 17/10/2023 12:00

Mumsanetta · 17/10/2023 11:57

I am a mum and I most certainly will not take it! My 4 year old already understands that we exchange gifts as a sign of appreciation and thanks for the other person.

Show quote history

as I said above, I would have challenged it from Primary school age, but my point was that mothers won't stop inviting their child for Christmas, or adopt another adult son instead because that one is a rude selfish prat.

No one will be that patient and have to put up with that.

So if the OP has stayed quiet for years for some strange reasons, and ignoring the most common sense attitude, at least they should understand that speaking up is for the son's own good.

Catza · 17/10/2023 12:00

notputtingupwithit · 17/10/2023 11:30

I want to speak to him but in a way it's not the same if he didn't chose to buy something of his own back and I was worried it would look like I was buying to receive.

It would look the same if you just stop buying him presents so my choice would be to actually have a conversation.

MadeForThis · 17/10/2023 12:04

We stopped buying for my BIL a few years ago. He's 35. Also claims to have no money. Lives at home and pays no bills. Spends his money on things that are important to him.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 17/10/2023 12:06

I honestly think it's weird that none of you have ever mentioned it to him. Is he the golden child?

Hooplahooping · 17/10/2023 12:11

Did this get modelled to him as a child? Was he encouraged to help chose and wrap gifts, and later given a budget / reminded to save etc? And then has chosen to opt out as an adult?

its hard to imagine how this has happened really. Some people just aren’t in to gifts + find the whole thing a horrible chore - maybe you can gently pose that question to him.

hi, I notice you’re not a gift giver at all, do you think you’d rather opt out of family present exchanges so you don’t have to worry about it? Otherwise it would probably be kind to start reciprocating especially to your sisters who spend so much time planning thoughtful surprises for you

Knittedfairies · 17/10/2023 12:14

I'd be telling Albert's sisters and other relatives that, since he is obviously someone who doesn't 'do' presents, it's time to stop buying for him. If they still want to buy something, suggest they take the socks, jocks and chocs approach.

Swipe left for the next trending thread