Not to buy presents for someone who doesn't buy back?

[notputtingupwithit]

Now I know you shouldn't buy to receive but we've never received a birthday or Christmas card or present from our adult son ever, our daughters all do but my son doesn't.
Every Christmas he comes around and opens presents from aunts, cousins, grandparents and us and his sisters while giving no presents in return.
Also every family birthday goes by with out any acknowledgment whatsoever but he'll happily sit and open presents on his birthday.

His sister brought him a very special birthday present this year and as expected got nothing for her birthday just 2 weeks later.

AIBU to just let his next birthday slide and see how he feels? I don't buy to receive but do feel he is taking the piss out of grandparents and wider family which irritates me.
Also want to add he's a very high earner so it has nothing to do with money.

I'm going to use this with both my brother and BIL/SIL.

Before you go pass agg or write him off as a terrible person, have a talk with him and explain that it's causing hurt feelings. See what he says.

I would unconditionally buy him presents but I would definitely tell him that I feel hurt that he doesn't get me or his family presents.

Jesus. Just ask him.

“Look we’ve presumed that seeing as you make no effort with gifts or thanking poeple for them that you’d rather not have gifts bought for you so it’s not awkward at birthdays and Christmas.?”

or better yet - look DS, you never buy presents or acknowledge the gift and efforts folks go to for yours. What’s happening?

Did you teach him to pick and buy gifts when he was growing up - or always done it for him? I think too often women have stepped in to do these roles and men are often crap and leave it to others.

mine had budgets and we discussed ideas from a young age and are now adults capable of gift buying.

how old is he. Was he the baby?

Sorry if this has already been asked, but is he your youngest DC? I ask because there may have been a period when he was still a child when everybody including his sisters were buying him gifts and he was not expected to buy back with his own money, and it sounds like that just continued.

I would definitely have a word with him but as others have said focus on the fact that you can't believe he missed his sister's birthday. What you actually want is for him to start buying, not for an awkward Christmas where he sits with no gifts to open.

You haven't mentioned him doing lots of other (non-gift) favours for you so I'm assuming doesn't apply here.

Some people aren't gift givers - but I'd fully expect him to be embarrassed about receiving gifts himself and ask people not to buy him any.

As some PP have advised, I'd mention in advance of Christmas that you will respect his views about gift giving and leave him fully out of future gift exchanges . Let his sisters know that you will be doing this. If you are feeling generous, you can all club together for a token box of chocolates.

Don't worry about the 'not give to receive' stuff - that would apply if he normally buys gifts but can't do this year because of financial difficulties, or if he earned a lot less than everyone else so could only afford less expensive presents. It doesn't apply to overlooking selfish behaviour.

My niece and nephew, both now in their twenties and still living at home are like this. They both earn good money. They happily accept gifts from everyone else but never reciprocate. Never expected them to buy for us when they were kids in school obviously but now they are grown adults with good incomes! So come xmas they’ll get presents from us, from our son and DIL, their other uncle, whilst we wont even get so much as a xmas card from them.

Yanbu

Great wording.

I would actually speak to him first and tell him it’s bad manners not to buy presents, even a token gift. If after this he says or doesn’t buy presents then you can stop buying for him. But at least speak to him first.

DH has two close relations like this. Won't even be bothering with cards from now on. Neither has sent a card not given a present in at least five years. They've both moved house this year and not told us the new addresses so we are dropping it.

I agree, you need to give him a chance to think about it before you stop all gifts.

I would say ‘I’ve noticed you are not giving any gifts, is there a reason for this?’

It’s really honest and not aggressive, a very wise woman told me once that’s the best sentence to use in a conflict situation because you are not blaming just stating facts, and you also might be surprised with the answer.

Give him a chance.

@CaineRaine hit the nail on the head.

If you feel uncomfortable not giving anything, perhaps do a card and a token gift (e.g. a card and box of chocolates/book from Poundland) going forward.

So just tell him. Ask him why he makes no effort with gifts for anyone else at key times of the year despite their generosity towards him.

My guess is that he sees gift buying and wrapping as women's work and thinks men do not need to do it.

Tell him that if he doesn't buck his ideas up this Christmas and start remembering that other people actually exist then you will stop buying him birthday and Christmas presents.

Seriously if any of my 4 had done this I would have informed them that I raised them better than this.

My brother stopped doing presents but made it clear he would and that he did not expect any in return. Thats how you do it if you don't want to do presents yourself imo.

The issue is not him not buying presents its him taking without acknowledgement that he doesn't.

“A lot of time and thought has gone into buying you gifts for every birthday and Christmas over the years. There’s a feeling of disappointment that you never show the same sort of thought for others and their own special occasions. Is there a reason you have decided to never buy anyone a gift?”

And then stop buying the tight-fisted bugger anything.

I can almost picture him sitting there in a golden light from the ceiling, opening presents on Christmas.

Just ask him but make no suggestions of him buying for others. See what he has to say. There’s obviously a reason for it. If you’ve managed to raise other thoughtful children then he might just be quite a selfish person. I think most people would cringe sitting their opening gifts from people they hadn’t even given a card and a token gift too!

No he's actually the eldest but they're all very close in age.
We haven't bought gifts for the children to give the other parent since they were old enough to have their pocket money and the girls have always made an effort but because they like to and enjoy it and I think that's the difference, he has no interest so either can't be bothered or it just doesn't occur to him that it would be nice to reciprocate.
He certainly expects presents as he'll suggest things he'd like or come to the shops with me or his Gran to choose and try on a jacket or something so quite happy for my mum to fork £100 pounds and get a kiss on the cheek in return.

As a parent I'd keep giving, I'd ask him why he doesn't give anything to his sister though, that's very unkind unless there is a very big difference in income/life stage etc. I'd try to work out a family plan across the generations and agree it. Just stopping giving is a bit harsh.

So he likes to go shopping for Christmas presents when other people are buying. Oh dear op, this should have been nipped in the bud long ago. You must say it to him and be very clear.

@CaineRaine has the answer. Good luck OP.

That what we did. My middle DD couldn't afford it really and her eldest sister was so appreciative, my sister used to regift us unsuitable presents, so we stopped buying adult gifts. On the other hand I've refused to be bullied into buying by other family members, who have carried on buying. I'd ask him if he wants to exchange presents and make it clear that it includes him giving to others. I'd make this Christmas last chance saloon.

He's your son and as such i don't feel it would be out of place to ask what the heck he is playing at.

In your shoes? I'd just warn him before Christmas that you aren't doing gifts for him, and that's it.

That’s even worse. So he actively seeks presents or hints about what you should get him, and yet gives nothing in return. Talk about feeling entitled. He knows exactly what he’s doing. And you can expect him to fold his arms and pout his lips when you tell him present giving isn’t a one-way street anymore.