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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to buy presents for someone who doesn't buy back?

341 replies

notputtingupwithit · 17/10/2023 11:18

Now I know you shouldn't buy to receive but we've never received a birthday or Christmas card or present from our adult son ever, our daughters all do but my son doesn't.
Every Christmas he comes around and opens presents from aunts, cousins, grandparents and us and his sisters while giving no presents in return.
Also every family birthday goes by with out any acknowledgment whatsoever but he'll happily sit and open presents on his birthday.

His sister brought him a very special birthday present this year and as expected got nothing for her birthday just 2 weeks later.

AIBU to just let his next birthday slide and see how he feels? I don't buy to receive but do feel he is taking the piss out of grandparents and wider family which irritates me.
Also want to add he's a very high earner so it has nothing to do with money.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/10/2023 23:51

AmandaHoldensLips · 17/10/2023 11:26

Boys who are allowed to get away with this shitty behaviour turn into the shitty men/husbands we read about here in mumsnet who never bother with their gf/wives birthdays or christmas.

Yup

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/10/2023 23:54

notputtingupwithit · 17/10/2023 11:30

I want to speak to him but in a way it's not the same if he didn't chose to buy something of his own back and I was worried it would look like I was buying to receive.

You're not buying to receive, but you want to teach social etiquette. Growing up did you never say 'what are you getting daddy/sister for xmas!' Or did the kids only start buying for you/ each other after they left home?
I would say I've noticed you haven't organized presents for to her family members but moone forgets about giving gifts to you, would you like me to help you choose things for others in the family?

ABC666 · 22/10/2023 09:25

You get £200 monthly . Thats called contribution . He isn’t here to pay YOUR bills .

Sapphire387 · 22/10/2023 09:30

I think you need to speak to him. I don't really like the whole gift thing - it was getting embarrassing, the amount my mother would buy me for Christmas as an adult. I didn't want her spending her money on me like that, especially as I couldn't reciprocate in kind as I have kids to buy for. Although I never went empty-handed. But I did speak to her, and we agreed one small token gift (like £10-20). He should be speaking to you about this, but if he is that selfish and oblivious, I think you need to say to him that if he doesn't want to get involved in gifting, that is fine. But it works both ways.

OnionBag · 22/10/2023 14:56

@Justfortodayonly

If you want to buy for others, fair enough, but to expect one in return totally not acceptable. YABU but do address the situ with him to clear the air and the rest of family. You may find they are happy to relinquish this yearly present ritual and expectation.

OP has said that he points out expensive gifts he wants the others to buy for him.

Justfortodayonly · 22/10/2023 15:02

@OnionBag
A gift is exactly that. A gift- with no expectation of a reciprocated present.
The fact the son points out he would like/want expensive presents is irrelevant. If fam want to buy into this nonsense, then that’s on them. Son is trying his luck. Whole thing needs addressing as a family

Greenpolkadot · 22/10/2023 21:00

Judithandhol · 19/10/2023 23:18

My DSS is the same.

He loves to receive gifts, will get involved with the choosing and uses everything that he is given. But he very rarely gives gifts himself.
I did ask him about it as it is embarrassing at Christmas when we are all exchanging gifts and he happily accepts and comments but has nothing to give. A few times when questioned he has said that he forgot them but they never show up.
He is now an adult but I have been almost confronting him for over 10 years. It isn’t a money issue as I would bring him shopping or give him money when he was a child. He just does not seem to have the want to buy gifts.

he has no mental health issues, he has 3 very loving families as my family treat him as my son too. He knows it is wrong as I tell him it’s weird and embarrassing but he really doesn’t care. Makes excuses but never bothers then the next time at Christmas, Father’s Day, birthday etc.

it’s like an entitlement and he wants to be showered with gifts and love and almost enjoys not giving it back.

I adore DSS and we have a fantastic relationship- this is one part of him that does not tie in with the rest of him. He can be very selfish but usually cares what others think of him.

Yet I bet you still buy him gifts, What would the atmosphere be like on Christmas day if you gave him nothing..?

Judithandhol · 22/10/2023 21:57

@Greenpolkadot this thread has given me a lot to think about. I have addressed it so many times over the years but have gotten no where.

I have decided that before Christmas to tell him to pick out whatever he wants gift wise as usual. And then buy it for himself! And I will do the same - this way I get a nice gift. To wrap and put it under the tree or there is nothing for him to open. He does not have to buy for his siblings but I will not be buying their gifts for him either.

putting it as bluntly as this might help 😐

OnionBag · 23/10/2023 09:21

@notputtingupwithit did you have a chat with your DS?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/10/2023 09:29

Justfortodayonly · 22/10/2023 15:02

@OnionBag
A gift is exactly that. A gift- with no expectation of a reciprocated present.
The fact the son points out he would like/want expensive presents is irrelevant. If fam want to buy into this nonsense, then that’s on them. Son is trying his luck. Whole thing needs addressing as a family

I disagree that it is irrelevant that he doesn't buy for anyone else, whilst asking for presents himself, @Justfortodayonly - I think it speaks clearly to a very selfish attitude, and that does need to be dealt with, imo.

@notputtingupwithit - to be honest, I doubt he will go for your suggestion, because that will cost him more than his current method does. I honestly think you need a firm and blunt conversation with him, telling him it is rude and selfish to demand/expect gifts from everyone else without even giving a card in return, that you are going to say this to the rest of the family, and that going forward, he won't be getting gifts from you or them.

Justfortodayonly · 23/10/2023 09:35

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I’ve said as much about the son with my phrase ‘son is trying his luck’. I also totally agree he is a selfish ar53 and have also suggested that the whole sorry mess gets addressed. Have a good day ☀️

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/10/2023 12:51

You too, @Justfortodayonly - and sorry for misreading you.

bogbabe · 23/10/2023 19:53

Parent him.

YerArseInParsley · 07/12/2023 01:55

@notputtingupwithit

Have you said anything yet?

tolerable · 07/12/2023 02:33

people treat you how you let them.its crazy nobody has pulled him up on this. ever. I have the worst head for really bein "inconsiderate"cos am oblivious. some people reuire huge massive (usually unsaid,guidance\instructions)..get one chance at that tho

Animatedapple · 03/02/2024 15:04

Surely you would speak to him first? Ask him why he doesn’t give when he receives and would he like to continue to receive because present giving in our culture is reciprocal.

Can he not read social cues? Can he read between the lines? Why is he like this?

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