Not to buy presents for someone who doesn't buy back?

[notputtingupwithit]

Now I know you shouldn't buy to receive but we've never received a birthday or Christmas card or present from our adult son ever, our daughters all do but my son doesn't.
Every Christmas he comes around and opens presents from aunts, cousins, grandparents and us and his sisters while giving no presents in return.
Also every family birthday goes by with out any acknowledgment whatsoever but he'll happily sit and open presents on his birthday.

His sister brought him a very special birthday present this year and as expected got nothing for her birthday just 2 weeks later.

AIBU to just let his next birthday slide and see how he feels? I don't buy to receive but do feel he is taking the piss out of grandparents and wider family which irritates me.
Also want to add he's a very high earner so it has nothing to do with money.

Now is a good time to raise it with him, so that this Christmas will be different. Either he will make an effort for you and his sisters, or you won't have to get anything for him.

I'm afraid that you (and his father?) have allowed him to become self-absorbed and selfish, but this can be rectified. You can either make it a big conversation about gifts in general, or just say "Have you thought about what you will be giving your sisters for Christmas?" if he says no, you can suggest that he does, because he has received plenty.

I’d thoroughly enjoy leaving him out, not a second’s thought.

Time to have a chat with him about this kind of behaviour.
I always say to our son "I don't care how old you are,if I think you are doing something wrong/stupid/unkind etc. I will let you know. It is my job as your parent to let you know when your behaviour is not great".

How old is he? Is he the same with partners?

"Could have mild autism" 🙄
My DS has autism and isn't a rude, selfish prick. Why is this ALWAYS suggested as an excuse for people behaving terribly?
It's insulting.

Fuck that shit - why don't you just address it with him directly?

I am astounded that his sisters haven't called him out on this. He'd get a bollocking in this house!!

Imagine having a partner that behaves this way...I wouldn't hang around for long. It screams of selfishness and entitlement and I think it would spill in other areas of the relationship (finances for example).

Why don't you say he's an adult ask him?

He's 27, he's only had one girlfriend and that was only for a year, she brought a Christmas present round for us that year and he watched me open it to see what it was so clearly had nothing to do with it.

Why is this trotted out to try and excuse poor behaviour so often? Would it still be used to excuse poor female behviour too?

You've all enabled his behaviour. His siblings and parents should just stop buying him gifts, if he queries it just say, you don't buy us gifts either! And leave it at that.

What an entitled little shit

Did he get her a gift during that year? I'm betting not, and I bet she dumped him too.

So interesting how this situation developed. I'm teaching my sons from a young age to buy presents.

"why on earth haven't you got your sister a present when she made such an effort with you"

Should have of course done it the first time he was supposed to do his own gifts, and didn't, but happily accepted. Better late than never though, especially if he actively asks for presents.

I’m a bit torn on this one. If it was anyone else I would say yes just stop buying gifts.

However as it’s your son, maybe you should have a word and say that he really needs to buy family members gifts, or let them know he doesn’t want to do presents and ask them not to buy him any.

But then I revert to thinking he’s an adult man and you shouldn’t need to mediate for him.

So I think I’ve come full circle and back to no gifts.

He doesn't show signs of autism and I have no reason to think that he does.

This. You've all been taking offence at this for so long and no one's said anything. The whole thing has been normalised and he thinks its just the way things are and you are all OK with it.

He clearly hasn't picked up on it, probably never gives it a thought since its never mentioned.

What's the worst that could happen if you tell him very clearly and plainly, especially about his lack of return present for his sister after her thoughtful and expensive gift.

Does he make up for it in other ways? Keeps in touch by phone etc...?

When he was a teen, how did you handle it when he didn’t bother? Did you teach him? Did you discuss respect and behaviour towards others?

This simply sounds like a poorly parented boy who had turns into a selfish man, who thinks this is women’s work. Men don’t just develop this attitude; they’re raised with it, perhaps by accident because you were also raised to believe in women’s work and you passed it onto your kids. But here we are. I don’t care how old he is, they’re never to old to be parented when their behaviour is terrible.

He sounds ugly and mean and you have done him zero favours allowing this to continue.

I would have stopped this years ago.

Tell the rest of your family there is no further need to indulge him.

I hate the reference to autism.

Every single ugly trait is assigned to autism or adhd.

His mother said he is not.

He's just a mean tight man that doesn't like spending money on others.

Not complicated at all.

I would have spelt this out to him the first year it happened, brutally.

If he tells you what he wants, hand him a list of things Granny, his sisters etc have said they'd like from him. Take it from there & don't back down.

27 and only had one girlfriend. Hardly any surprise as he sounds astonishingly selfish, lacking any grace or manners whatsoever. Would be deeply unattractive to most people.

You have raised and now enable a self-serving freeloader.

I usually dislike blaming women for men's issues, but in this case I fail to see any other reason for his staggering attitude than poor parenting. Excusing it with your distorted 'don't give to receive' attitude is ALSO part of the problem.

Next gift from me would be a kick up his leeching backside.

Reading with interest because we have family like this on the in laws side.

We got guilted into buying for them as we were taken to their house by surprise one Christmas when visiting actual blood relative approx 15 years ago. We are taken over there often when visiting as they are all very close with each other and the cousins play together however not one of them (parents and 2 siblings, a husband and a kid) ever say thank you (not that I buy it for that even though it sounds like if you get me)

I don't mind so much as they're token gifts in the grand scheme of things to thank them for hospitality over the years (they don't come to us as we live a 4 hr round trip away and the parents are elderly and can't drive now) but if I didn't send it trackable post given the time of year I wouldn't even know if it had been received!

I can imagine you feeling awkward giving nothing, but I'd certainly starting giving, say, a book, instead of the cashmere sweaters for your DDs!

I don't really think adult siblings need to buy each other presents but it's better if it's a two-way street. But if your daughters enjoy giving and don't give to receive, that's up to them.