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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to buy presents for someone who doesn't buy back?

341 replies

notputtingupwithit · 17/10/2023 11:18

Now I know you shouldn't buy to receive but we've never received a birthday or Christmas card or present from our adult son ever, our daughters all do but my son doesn't.
Every Christmas he comes around and opens presents from aunts, cousins, grandparents and us and his sisters while giving no presents in return.
Also every family birthday goes by with out any acknowledgment whatsoever but he'll happily sit and open presents on his birthday.

His sister brought him a very special birthday present this year and as expected got nothing for her birthday just 2 weeks later.

AIBU to just let his next birthday slide and see how he feels? I don't buy to receive but do feel he is taking the piss out of grandparents and wider family which irritates me.
Also want to add he's a very high earner so it has nothing to do with money.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 17/10/2023 13:32

We haven't bought gifts for the children to give the other parent since they were old enough to have their pocket money and the girls have always made an effort but because they like to and enjoy it and I think that's the difference, he has no interest so either can't be bothered or it just doesn't occur to him that it would be nice to reciprocate.

But what actually happened after you stopped buying gifts for them? Did you tell them they should be doing it themselves?

Brefugee · 17/10/2023 13:36

notputtingupwithit · 17/10/2023 13:22

No he's actually the eldest but they're all very close in age.
We haven't bought gifts for the children to give the other parent since they were old enough to have their pocket money and the girls have always made an effort but because they like to and enjoy it and I think that's the difference, he has no interest so either can't be bothered or it just doesn't occur to him that it would be nice to reciprocate.
He certainly expects presents as he'll suggest things he'd like or come to the shops with me or his Gran to choose and try on a jacket or something so quite happy for my mum to fork £100 pounds and get a kiss on the cheek in return.

Show quote history

haha so the answer every time is "nope - you never get anyone anything. Why do you think we should give you anything?" every time.

laveritable · 17/10/2023 13:37

Has he always been unthoughtful?

WinterDeWinter · 17/10/2023 13:38

You should have said something when his sister bought him a lovely present and he didn't reciprocate two weeks later. You owed it to her to point out that he was treating her badly and that you thought he was behaving badly.

flutterby1 · 17/10/2023 13:38

Dramatic · 17/10/2023 11:27

Have you not just asked him?

Yes just ask him directly, it's would annoy me too much, how vile. And don't buy him anything. He'll probably say something trite like you don't give to receive , but that's fine. See how he feels when he doesn't receive

EatDiamondsForBreakfast · 17/10/2023 13:38

some people find the endless gift giving ….silly. I know I do. Doesn’t make us ‘mean’ people. Stop buying for him, simple. He probably doesn’t care!
taking $x to buy you something’for the sake of it’ for you to turn around & do the same…what a waste. Dont even get me started on ‘box of chocolates’ 😂 spending for the sake of spending.

Rinkydinkydoodle · 17/10/2023 13:38

Everyone is different but to me presents are just about showing that you care about your family and they matter. Doesn’t have to be grand. Since he’s happy to receive on his special days he should be capable of understanding how it makes others feel to be ignored on their own special days.

Entirely personally, I’d find it tough to ignore my son’s birthday but say since it looks like he’s not ‘into birthdays’ here’s a small box of chocolates and a card. I’d suggest to my daughters it’s time to assess the situation amongst themselves rather than speak to me about it. If it brings them joy to gift, unreciprocated, fine, they’re grownups. They could ask him themselves why it seems like they’re not important enough to merit acknowledgment.

With granny, I’d have said to DS outright it’s a poor show for a working adult to accept a £100 jacket from an elderly lady and give not even a £5 bunch of flowers on their birthday. That’s the worst one for me.

itsmylife7 · 17/10/2023 13:40

This hasn't behaviour of just taking and not giving presents hasn't just started ?

Millybob · 17/10/2023 13:42

I think he's mean not to get something for you - but can't blame him for opting out of aunts/cousins/grandparents. The shopping! The mountain of stuff that nobody wants! He is probably too gauche to extricate himself from this. Tell everybody that he wants out; they're silly to have let it go on this long. He's not a child.

Tessasanderson · 17/10/2023 13:45

I can never understand these kind of situations. It would happen once in our household and my daughter would make damned sure he never made the mistake again. When did siblings become scared to pull each other up on being out of line?

In a kind of reverse, we don't buy any of my family presents or cards for any occasion because they were happy to receive but not remember to reciprocate. That's fine, but part of the receiving, even if its just a phone call is to know someone remembered. Its not all about cost or size.

RedHelenB · 17/10/2023 13:46

Thebigblueballoon · 17/10/2023 11:38

The fact you haven’t challenged him on this is an example of bad parenting. Your son is selfish and self-absorbed, and he needs to be pulled up on his behaviour. And, no, don’t buy him any Christmas presents this year. It’s his turn.

This. You've let him get away with it for years so no surprise that he's continuing to act this way.

AngryBird6122 · 17/10/2023 13:47

10HailMarys · 17/10/2023 11:35

He’s a selfish, lazy arsehole and you need to have a word with him and say that he gets nothing from anyone from now on unless he reciprocates. Why the hell is he allowed to get away with this when your daughters make the effort? You should have said something years ago, frankly.

The first time Christmas came round when I was with my ex, he actually laughed about the fact that his sister and parents bought him gifts every year while he had never - literally never - given them anything. This was a man in his early 40s. Stop indulging your son by putting up with this shit. It’s not on.

This.

If it was one of your daughters would you have said something years ago?

aSofaNearYou · 17/10/2023 13:48

EatDiamondsForBreakfast · 17/10/2023 13:38

some people find the endless gift giving ….silly. I know I do. Doesn’t make us ‘mean’ people. Stop buying for him, simple. He probably doesn’t care!
taking $x to buy you something’for the sake of it’ for you to turn around & do the same…what a waste. Dont even get me started on ‘box of chocolates’ 😂 spending for the sake of spending.

This would be fine if he wasn't bothered about receiving but he is - he suggests what he wants and goes out shopping with people to choose something for himself.

Which shows a massive brass neck when he isn't getting anything for others.

AngryBird6122 · 17/10/2023 13:49

Tessasanderson · 17/10/2023 13:45

I can never understand these kind of situations. It would happen once in our household and my daughter would make damned sure he never made the mistake again. When did siblings become scared to pull each other up on being out of line?

In a kind of reverse, we don't buy any of my family presents or cards for any occasion because they were happy to receive but not remember to reciprocate. That's fine, but part of the receiving, even if its just a phone call is to know someone remembered. Its not all about cost or size.

@Tessasanderson I agree. Like does this just happen every year and everyone pussy foots around it awkwardly. Bad communication in the family then surely.

Skater78 · 17/10/2023 13:53

I would have a word with him but not don’t speak on behalf of yourself. Point out that he should be reciprocating for his grandparents and sisters. Hopefully it will then click.
Some people just don’t care about gifts and are hard to change. I should know, I am married to one.

3luckystars · 17/10/2023 13:55

Could you send him a list with suggestions for everyone?

dynastyfan · 17/10/2023 13:56

How has this gone on for so long?

It's incredibly rude and entitled behaviour and I'm shocked you or his father didn't pull him up on it the first time it happened.
It's ridiculous that none of your family has said how rude he's being or asked him why he doesn't feel he should treat everyone as they treat him.
It's genuinely terrible behaviour.

Naunet · 17/10/2023 13:58

AGovernmentOfLawsAndNotMen · 17/10/2023 12:38

He could have mild autism.

Show quote history

FFS 🙄

3luckystars · 17/10/2023 14:00

yes I am really stunned at your latest reply, that he is actively picking out gifts for himself!

I was going to make a joke about him thinking it’s his actual birthday at Christmas, but that post earlier about the rays of light beaming down on him was accurate!

Naunet · 17/10/2023 14:01

Rosiesmydog · 17/10/2023 12:45

My niece and nephew, both now in their twenties and still living at home are like this. They both earn good money. They happily accept gifts from everyone else but never reciprocate. Never expected them to buy for us when they were kids in school obviously but now they are grown adults with good incomes! So come xmas they’ll get presents from us, from our son and DIL, their other uncle, whilst we wont even get so much as a xmas card from them.

So why keep buying for them?

WimbyAce · 17/10/2023 14:02

He sounds a selfish p#ick tbh. How could someone be so thick skinned?! No way would I encourage anyone to buy for him anymore, a card is fine.

Crazycatlady83 · 17/10/2023 14:03

You seem to make such a big deal out of "not giving to receive" but actually then you do want to receive. Nothing wrong with that - but why not tell him straight, if he wants a present, now he is an adult, he has to buy others presents. Rather than doing this whole dramatic no buying of gifts as a punishment type thing?

WimbyAce · 17/10/2023 14:06

If this was my brother I would have picked him up on it long ago, surprised his sisters haven't.

Naunet · 17/10/2023 14:08

WinterDeWinter · 17/10/2023 13:38

You should have said something when his sister bought him a lovely present and he didn't reciprocate two weeks later. You owed it to her to point out that he was treating her badly and that you thought he was behaving badly.

This. You’ve raised another entitled, self absorbed male to add the the pool OP, and you don’t even stick up for your daughters when he treats them so shamefully.

ohdamnitjanet · 17/10/2023 14:08

God what an arse. I’d be telling everyone not to even consider buying him so much as a bar of chocolate. Really, don’t. If it bothers him, good, maybe he’ll learn, if it doesn’t then no need for anyone to ever waste their money on him again. Has not one single person in the whole family asked WHY he doesn’t even buy his mother something? Wow.