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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this girl to go away

227 replies

amidsummernightsdream · 16/10/2023 18:39

More a wwyd

My dd (2.5) and I attend an activity once a week and have done for over a year and my dd loves it.

Recently there has been a new starter who is very disruptive of the class and spoiling my dd, and in turn, my enjoyment of it.

Behaviour mainly includes running around the class at inappropriate times and going over to the other children when she should be sat with parent. Because of nature of activity, this is disruptive. Teacher does pick up on this and guides child back to parent but still disruptive.

I’ve put up with it for a few weeks but we’ve had a temporary teacher and today she actually hit another child.

On top of this she is continually coming over to my dd (when she is trying to get on with activity) pulling at hair, clothes and toys. This starts as soon as she enters the class.

My daughter has mentioned as we were going in today- will X be there, I don’t want X to touch my hair

Where I was trying to be friendly previously, I just dont want this girl near my little one.

AIBU to tell this girl to go away? And if I’m not how do I word/ tone it in an appropriate way

OP posts:
5128gap · 16/10/2023 18:42

Say to her mum 'Can you fetch little girl please?'

Pootles34 · 16/10/2023 18:42

Yanbu, but I would speak to the leader and let them deal with it.

applewood87 · 16/10/2023 18:44

What does the parent do during the class? How do they handle the behaviour?

Original poster
amidsummernightsdream · 16/10/2023 18:47

The parent just thinks it’s cute/ funny

However, she did tell her off for hitting the girl today but then proceeded to let her run around, going up to other children.

I do think I should mention to the teacher

OP posts:
Original poster
amidsummernightsdream · 16/10/2023 18:49

The thing is I now just dont want her near my dd at all. So when we’re walking in and she runs over and grabs at my daughter, I want to tell her/ her mum for her to leave my dd alone.

However, I feel like this feels ott. I wouldnt do it if another toddler came over but after a few weeks of this girl I just want to be left alone to get on with the class and cant be bothered humouring her any more

OP posts:
toadasoda · 16/10/2023 18:50

Is the Mum just ignoring her? Either the child is not being parented or is not mature or capable enough to behave, if this is the case it isn't a suitable environment for her. I'd say it to the leader and I would think its up to the leader to address the Mum if needs be.

When the child approaches you its OK to address the child yourself in an age appropriate way, without sounding angry (difficult I know!). Instead of saying stop touching that, leave her alone try saying 'we don't touch hair / clothes in this class', 'we have gentle hands', 'X (daughter) doesn't like playing like this', 'it's sitting down time now' etc. It might work if you are firm

Flipflopflopflip · 16/10/2023 18:54

I would say something to the mum and child tbh. It sounds beyond irritating and is just a reflection of shitty parenting, no awareness of anyone else and how her behaviour might impact others.

CaineRaine · 16/10/2023 18:54

Firstly tell the teacher it’s interfering with your DDs enjoyment of the class then intervene if/when the child approaches - can you position yourself to block her getting close to your DD? Or move her hands away with a firm “DD doesn’t want you to touch her hair” when she tries it? Lots of ways to advocate for your child without going OTT.

Houseconundrum · 16/10/2023 18:54

Rather than telling her to go away I would tell her that your daughter needs some space just now. It's a bit of a gentler way of saying the same thing and hopefully will give her mum the hint that if her daughter continues behaving that way then other children won't want to play with her.

Original poster
amidsummernightsdream · 16/10/2023 18:55

thanks @toadasoda this is helpful.
i think it is a case of her mum thinking her dd is a delightful angel and cant see she’s irritating others.

I have noted those phrases. I do t want to come across angry or frustrated but Im conscious it could come out like that.
Like a lot of people pleasers struggle with getting the balance of assertiveness right

OP posts:
bananaboats · 16/10/2023 18:56

I think at this age I'd just physically move DD out of the way when she approaches her and say a cheerful but firm DD doesn't want to play today, away back to your mum and just keep intercepting her and hopefully she'll stop!

ledderwei · 16/10/2023 18:57

I had this last year at a football class I took dd to with a little boy who made a bee line for her each week and it got more physical each week. When I asked him nicely to stop and redirected him, his mum got huffy with me and the class leader did nothing, when I complained she suggested I change classes. I'm a teacher, have no issue with directing kids. DD is the calmest kindest kid.
The third week when he went to push, punch and kick my daughter I lost my temper with the mum and told her to keep him away. I'm still livid she let her child target mine. I stopped going and gave a bad review.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2023 18:58

Talk to the teacher and also deal with it yourself as you get there and she starts on your DD. I wouldn’t faff around with “we use gentle hands”, that’s wishy washy and vague and if she even understands it she may think she’s using gentle hands.

A firm “please don’t touch DD name, she doesn’t like it” and if she grabs her again call the mother over and ask her to take her child away from yours. If she was hurting DD I’d have no problem with physically removing her/guiding her away but the type to think this crap is cute are the same type to kick off if you did that. DD needs to see you standing up for her but you don’t really want a scene if you can avoid it.

The teacher will find other people are leaving the group if she doesn’t get on top of it.

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 16/10/2023 18:58

Good opportunity to teach your daughter how to assert herself and her boundaries and get her to say no I don’t like that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2023 18:59

That’s shocking @ledderwei I’m so sorry for your daughter.

FloweryName · 16/10/2023 19:01

I agree you need to use a child friendly positive phrase but in a firm tone as @toadasoda suggested.

The other mum might not like it but hopefully she will take the hint and at least keep her child away from yours. Your dd will see that you are consistent and are sticking up for her.

It’s also worth talking to the class leader. If this child is going to lose business for her, then she will be more motivated to speak to the parent about it.

TheFeistyFeminist · 16/10/2023 19:02

I think I'd be inserting my arm between this child and mine and saying "please leave (DD name) alone, she's busy"

Loud enough that the child's mum and the instructor can hear.

Repeat ad nauseum.

LakeTiticaca · 16/10/2023 19:05

Approach the mother and tell her to keep her brat under control

RedSquirrelsRock · 16/10/2023 19:06

I'd speak politely but directly to mum. then engage the teacher if need be.
NOTE to lazy mum if you are on here - Re; your kid's behaviour, it's not cute it's a pita, get off your phone/head out of your arse and parent your bloody child.
Thankyou

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2023 19:07

I would definitely tell this little girl to go back to her mum, and quite firmly, too. She's ruining the entire experience for your daughter. Hopefully, the mother will notice and finally pull her head out.

inloveandmarried · 16/10/2023 19:08

I'm not sure what your activity is from your opening post.

If I was in any way concerned with safety in a toddler aged group setting (other bigger boisterous children), I would sit behind my child with my legs around them defining a safe space. Then if others came over they would be reaching past and over me to get to my child.

At this point I would say it's time to go back to mummy now.
Or

No we are hot playing today

Or
We are doing X activity now, tins to go back to mummy.

Then try to make eye contact with their mum and point to the child who's being an issue.

Body language can reinforce this.

I hope you can continue the activity with your little one.

ShellySarah · 16/10/2023 19:09

Just say to her mother not the child. Say to the parent that you didn't come here to be annoyed by her child and can she take her away.

Telling a 2 year old to go away won't do anything but make the mother irate.

Prinnny · 16/10/2023 19:12

I would redirect her immediately every time, loudly and firmly so everyone can hear. If that didn’t improve it I would message the teacher and say how much we enjoy the class but little Clarissa is upsetting DD and could she please keep an eye.

Mariposista · 16/10/2023 19:12

LakeTiticaca · 16/10/2023 19:05

Approach the mother and tell her to keep her brat under control

This. Yet another example of shitty nicey nicey parenting.

sprigatito · 16/10/2023 19:13

amidsummernightsdream · 16/10/2023 18:49

The thing is I now just dont want her near my dd at all. So when we’re walking in and she runs over and grabs at my daughter, I want to tell her/ her mum for her to leave my dd alone.

However, I feel like this feels ott. I wouldnt do it if another toddler came over but after a few weeks of this girl I just want to be left alone to get on with the class and cant be bothered humouring her any more

I think you have to separate your feelings from what is reasonable here. You absolutely have the right to expect the activity leader - and the child's mother - to manage any poor behaviour and do their best to prevent hitting and hair-pulling. I would definitely have a word with the leader about this and explain that the behaviour is upsetting your dd.

It's not reasonable or realistic to expect this child to be kept away from your child entirely, nor is it proportionate to expect that she won't ever run around or approach other children. They're 2yos, they don't all sit nicely and do directed activities consistently, that's normal and to be expected.