To tell this girl to go away

[amidsummernightsdream]

More a wwyd

My dd (2.5) and I attend an activity once a week and have done for over a year and my dd loves it.

Recently there has been a new starter who is very disruptive of the class and spoiling my dd, and in turn, my enjoyment of it.

Behaviour mainly includes running around the class at inappropriate times and going over to the other children when she should be sat with parent. Because of nature of activity, this is disruptive. Teacher does pick up on this and guides child back to parent but still disruptive.

I’ve put up with it for a few weeks but we’ve had a temporary teacher and today she actually hit another child.

On top of this she is continually coming over to my dd (when she is trying to get on with activity) pulling at hair, clothes and toys. This starts as soon as she enters the class.

My daughter has mentioned as we were going in today- will X be there, I don’t want X to touch my hair

Where I was trying to be friendly previously, I just dont want this girl near my little one.

AIBU to tell this girl to go away? And if I’m not how do I word/ tone it in an appropriate way

@Growingouttogether I take my DD to 2 toddler groups a week a mixture of babies and 2 & 3yos and 9/10 children will sit through the whole thing with their parents

There's usually one that gets up and runs around, everyone just usually lets them get on with it until they come back

OP I know you're finding the child annoying but she is only a child, a young child, the person you should be annoyed with is her mother. She needs to be doing more to redirect her child other than just sitting there doing nothing.

Speak to her mother, not the child.

Surely someone else in this thread has said the same?

It's incredibly normal...for children with wet parents who let their children misbehave

I try to remind myself in these situations that I'd rather risk pissing off some random than to let my daughter feel uncomfortable and like her space is being violated. It doesn't really sound like the Mum is concerned about upsetting you guys so do what you've got to do to prioritise your daughter.

I would say to the teacher and explain the impact it is having on your little one, then if the girl came over I would say 'no thank you' and create a bit of a barrier with my hands (without touching the other child). If she didn't leave I would say to the parent - can you get her please? There is no chance I would let that child get anywhere near my daughter again unless I could guarantee it was a gentle/mutual interaction.

Butterflybluepink I am sure that the professionals would understand that a mainstream class is not suitable for your dd. Look for sen groups instead. My dd has asd and I did not attend things that were unsuitable or stressful for me and her if I could avoid it.

Goodness me how self centered everyone is in this post. Its fantastic that you are enjoying an activity together with your daughter. Unfortunately, your daughter will be with children who are not always behaving perfectly, listening to the teacher etc in nursery as well as school. The best advise is yes you politely ask the mum and explain that your daughter doesn't like being touched. However, unless this other child was physically hurting your daughter or being unpleasant you daughter will encounter all kind of children in her life that will be 'disruptive'.

It is also clear from your posts that by now you simply dislike this little child and its not just that your daughter doesn't like being touched its that you want this little child preferably out of this class and nowhere near you.

No, I don't see the point of you talking to a 'teacher'. Firstly, its a paid ballet class and its not teachers job and secondly they cannot discriminate against this woman with her potentially sen child.

Make your daughter comfortable but also teach that it's OK to be annoyed but someone else's behaviour but you can only truly control your own.

Having a ND child is not a green card for passive parenting though. Children who are ND often need help to manage their behaviour. Hitting, hair pulling and violating space is never okay.

@Lightthatnevergoesout i think you have some very valid points and you’re right we will both have to get used to things like this and more in the future.

However I have to disagree with your point I dislike the child. I really don’t, I just dont like her behaviour and how she is effecting my child. That’s very different. I feel frustrated by the situation but completely neutral about her. However her mum, I do feel annoyed about as I feel like she should be parenting her child.

I also do think its up to the teacher to manage behaviour that disrupts the class. To be fair the teacher is brill and great at diffusing disruptive behaviour but recently we’ve had a temp teacher that doesnt know the class as well.

If the same happens next week, I will be mentioning to the teacher

I agree with phrases others have suggested. You just need to be clear. No - DD doesn’t like it, it’s time to sit with your mummy. Tone of voice.
DD used to go to a little toddler singing class. It wasn’t a free for all. Children sat in a circle with a parent, there was a time to go up for instruments etc. Occasionally a parent would join who didn’t get their child to sit and join in and they soon got vibe and shaped up or left. If they want a class where kids just free play go to that instead.

You must be the other parent then, or at least from the same school of lazy, permissive, ineffective child worship parenting as her.

Theres no fucking way I’d let my child disrupt a class and invade the personal space of other children like that. Christ almighty.

Also to be clear @Lightthatnevergoesout I dont want the child out of the class at all.
I don’t however want her near my child. I want us to get on and enjoy the class without being disrupted

Agree. That’s why the kid will become the school bully: ineffectual parenting and no one tells my kid what to do, not even me

Absolutely this! And if anything it's incredibly ableist to assume any child with poor behavior is ND. More often then not it poor parenting. And ND or not this behavior is not on.

We had a group like this where a boy was constantly pulling her hair and trying to hug her constantly. ‘Gentle hands/redirection nonsense’ literally never works. I taught my daughter to say, ‘no, I don’t like that’ and ‘don’t touch me’ loudly.

Oh god this age can be a nightmare for behaviour op.

When mine was that size, one of my good friends had a child who used to smack mine in the face the whole time. One day her child kicked mine in the lip and drew blood.

Then a few days later, my friend asked if we could go out with them. I said I thought my child could do with a break from getting attacked, as they were asking me why their friend kept hurting them. I felt like a bad parent for not keeping them apart.

So I suggested that maybe a couple of weeks apart might help break the habit. It didn't go down well. My friend didn't speak to me for weeks and said that I was judging her child who was only 2 and couldn't be held responsible.

Damn right I was bloody judging the little Sh*t!

Also just to explain further in my Op i mentioned the girl hit a child today and by hit I actually mean full on slapped across the face.

Something like this has happened each week. So when this girl is running around going up to kids, it’s not just the disruption, it’s this feeling of being on pins of what she might do.

Also my dd shouldnt have to be touched if she doesnt want to be touch

Surely no one thinks that is unreasonable?

Anyway, thanks for all the helpful replies. I feel much clearer on how I want to handle going forwards

Good luck Op. If she is enjoying ballet I’d look for a no parent class. Mine danced with a Royal Academy of Dance teacher from 2.5 and enjoyed it.

Broadly I agree with you, OP, but I also think you're being a bit precious. There is no need to make such a big deal about this. 2yos who run around, don't behave and get in other people's faces are not uncommon. Neither are bad parents who don't deal with them properly. Rather than getting worked up about it and demonising the child - "I don't want this child anywhere near mine" etc. - this is your chance to show your DD that you will stand up for her and to model doing so to her so she learns that it is OK to stand up for herself and some techniques for doing so. I know you'd prefer not to, and just concentrate on the activity, but surely one of the key purposes of toddler groups is to socialise children and expose them to different situations.

Just to clarify we are all talking about 2 year old children, right? Who at this age can pick things off the street and put in the mouth ? Kids are this age do not understand boundaries. I mean they can and should be told but it might take another year or so to actually get the message.

Yes, the other mum should be focused on her child and trying to get her engaged with the class or simply go to a different room for some free play time and then come back. No, OP cannot really expect this child to never come nowhere near her daughter. If I was sitting in the same class and seen a grown up woman who is using her hands as a shield trying to prevent another 2 year old toddler (who is not hitting/pushing/throwing)but simply waddling about trying to innocently touch others I would think the woman was properly mad.

You can always just smile and redirect the child towards their parent. I do get how this can be upsetting and I felt like that with my kids too at times when other children were ruling something for them. Then they both went through a 3 year crisis and well it made me a little more understanding of how things can change very quickly even in the most well behaved kids.

I think the main thing I am taking away from this is I need to model to my child the right way to deal with this

I disagree that you can’t expect 2-3 yr olds to sit with mum and engage with teacher in an age appropriate class. It’s usually pretty self selecting, mums with sit and listen type children will sign up for class like this. If you don’t want that type of environment then pick another class or toddler group.

Thanks @Dixiechickonhols that’s it. This is a pretty structured class. Not a run around type class. Different activities suit different kids. If your kid doesnt want to do the activity and gets bored, then maybe it isnt the class for them. They shouldnt get to disrupt it for others that do want to do it. It’s not compulsory!

Apologies if this has already been suggested (only read OP's posts) but OP do you have friends in the group if you've been going a whole year? Could you get any other parents to speak to the teacher with you? It sounds like all the other children enjoy the class and behave nicely, there must be other mums feeling the same way as you do.