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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this girl to go away

227 replies

amidsummernightsdream · 16/10/2023 18:39

More a wwyd

My dd (2.5) and I attend an activity once a week and have done for over a year and my dd loves it.

Recently there has been a new starter who is very disruptive of the class and spoiling my dd, and in turn, my enjoyment of it.

Behaviour mainly includes running around the class at inappropriate times and going over to the other children when she should be sat with parent. Because of nature of activity, this is disruptive. Teacher does pick up on this and guides child back to parent but still disruptive.

I’ve put up with it for a few weeks but we’ve had a temporary teacher and today she actually hit another child.

On top of this she is continually coming over to my dd (when she is trying to get on with activity) pulling at hair, clothes and toys. This starts as soon as she enters the class.

My daughter has mentioned as we were going in today- will X be there, I don’t want X to touch my hair

Where I was trying to be friendly previously, I just dont want this girl near my little one.

AIBU to tell this girl to go away? And if I’m not how do I word/ tone it in an appropriate way

OP posts:
wetpebbles · 16/10/2023 20:22

I would block her with my arm and say NO THANK YOU loudly and stare at her mum

RussianDoll777 · 16/10/2023 20:23

Blimey she’s only 2!
It’s her mum’s job to address this, just ask to to intervene.
What is this activity where toddler sit quietly and don’t touch each other???

Original poster
amidsummernightsdream · 16/10/2023 20:24

@Growingouttogether How old is the other child? Im really surprised that every other 1 and 2 year old in the activity sits quietly with their parent and gets on with it for a whole session.

They really do! Of course every now and again one of the kids will run around but its not continual and crucially doesnt involve running up to the other kids who are trying to get on with the activity and pull at them, sit on them, take their toys off them

Ive done this class (its a ballet class) for a year and this is the only time I have experienced this.

It is a very structured class for their age and it wont suit everyone but 99% of the kids are fully engaged, participate and listen to the teacher

OP posts:
Original poster
amidsummernightsdream · 16/10/2023 20:25

The age range of the class is 2-3

OP posts:
gamerchick · 16/10/2023 20:25

AlexandriasWindmill · 16/10/2023 20:17

Yy, I think there are a lot of non-parents on here now. Who seem to hate DCs and mums. The language they use to talk about them is appalling and their advice shows they have no understanding of child development. I seriously doubt they have DCs of their own because if they did, they'd know what a 12-month-old or a 2-yr-old is capable of doing and understanding.

Show quote history

Some of the bull the OP has come out with. Like the full sentences with comprehension her kids said at 2 and all toddlers sitting down to do an activity makes me wonder if she's embellished some things to get some frothing going. It's far more likely this is a PFB situation and has just taken a dislike to some kid and it's parent.. gossiping with other parents and what looks like trying to ostracise these ones.

I do agree like, there are probably more child free by choice types on here than we think.

Frydaycryday · 16/10/2023 20:27

What have I just read?!
Normal two year old behaving as a normal two year old (yes, annoying, yes intrusive, yes all over the place...it's so ordinary I can't believe the special needs, bad behaviour, bullying, class disruption, start reception at 4...only two years away absolute ridiculousness..... there's only 2 years since the child was born but look at the enormous development that has happened in two years!)

Also I don't think your child said that. I think youve taken a few words and made a thesis from it.

By all means say no, stop the child from being near yours, all children need to learn boundaries and it takes time and repetition, but don't demonise the poor child .

YoghurtCoatedMeerkats · 16/10/2023 20:27

Totalwasteofpaper · 16/10/2023 19:22

Agree with speaking to the teacher.

I'd go for firmer/clearer language and I would address the child and the mother

"Please leave X alone. You need go back and sit with your mummy now"
"Don't touch her hair. She doesn't like it"
"Pay attention to the teacher and go back to your spot"
Physically return the child to her mother.

"Can you come and get your daughter please"
"Can you ensure you are keeping an eye on your daughter she pulled my child's hair (again)"
"Can you ensure your child doesn't come into contact with mine. She's touching my daughter. It's disruptive and my child doesn't like it"

I fucking hate parents like this. Your child is NOT cute

Great advice!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/10/2023 20:28

This is not a child problem but a parent one. I agree with others that you politely and firmly (and fairly loudly) direct the child back to their parent each time. The child is not to blame but that doesn’t mean your DD has to bear the brunt of another parent’s laziness.

As this thread shows, people will blame the child so their parent is doing them no favours at all.

TimetoPour · 16/10/2023 20:28

Came here to say the same as @Totalwasteofpaper

You need to be firm, return child to her mother and say her behaviour is upsetting your child.

Address the child in a kind but firm manner and stop her from touching your child. It is not acceptable behaviour and she needs to go back to her own parent.

Leaders also need to step up. Put it in writing so they have to respond.

gamerchick · 16/10/2023 20:28

Butterflybluepink · 16/10/2023 20:20

We go to a weekly music group and my dd is like this girl constantly at other children, taking ALL the things to herself to line up in the corner of the room and making others upset I have to keep explaining to her and she keeps doing it , I have to keep apologising to other parents , it’s a nightmare, my dd has autism and I feel like we are ruining it for all the others as she screams if she can’t line everything up and screams if anyone tries to play with her or looks at her lines and it’s honestly a nightmare. I want to give up but it’s a requirement for me to take her and it’s honestly so so stressful. I wonder if the little one you describe has similar issues ? We were told we have to go to the groups to show we are engaging as it was recommended by professionals but I dread it

Mine used to line stuff up when young when he was super stressed out, it's how I knew he was struggling. It doesn't sound as if the bairns going to get much out of that.

Do you have to go for long? Sounds super stressful

Original poster
amidsummernightsdream · 16/10/2023 20:28

@gamerchick ive come on here to seek genuine advice and have got some really good suggestions, so thank you for those.

I can see however, I should have probably posted in parenting rather than AIBU

OP posts:
Growingouttogether · 16/10/2023 20:29

But your child started at 18 months?

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 16/10/2023 20:29

"Go away please".

Whatwillnye · 16/10/2023 20:31

Yes challenge a child that harms yours in your child's presence. If you think about the situation from your toddler point of view.

Someone is attacking her more than once and the one person who is there to protect her, isn't.

Your child needs to see you stand up for her and trust she will be safe in your hands by having your child witness you standing up for her.

How you do this could be "where is your mum? We need to go and talk with your mummy about you harming my daughter. Come on, let's find your mummy - that's not okay" or "your daughter has just hurt mine again. What shall we do to reduce this happening again?" Etc.

Original poster
amidsummernightsdream · 16/10/2023 20:33

@Growingouttogether there was a younger baby class pre this one, same place

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 16/10/2023 20:34

All you have to do is go up to the mother at the beginning of the next class and say "My daughter keeps getting upset when your child pulls her hair/distracts her, can you keep an eye on her today and keep her over your side? Thanks a mil"

Then position yourself as far away from her as you can.

AlexandriasWindmill · 16/10/2023 20:34

Butterflybluepink · 16/10/2023 20:20

We go to a weekly music group and my dd is like this girl constantly at other children, taking ALL the things to herself to line up in the corner of the room and making others upset I have to keep explaining to her and she keeps doing it , I have to keep apologising to other parents , it’s a nightmare, my dd has autism and I feel like we are ruining it for all the others as she screams if she can’t line everything up and screams if anyone tries to play with her or looks at her lines and it’s honestly a nightmare. I want to give up but it’s a requirement for me to take her and it’s honestly so so stressful. I wonder if the little one you describe has similar issues ? We were told we have to go to the groups to show we are engaging as it was recommended by professionals but I dread it

Ah, I'm sorry if this thread has made you feel worse. Flowers
fwiw we went to a class with a DC who would take everything, line the toys up, etc. None of the parents complained or gossiped about it. We were all sympathetic. We could see how stressful it was for the DM and the DC.
I've genuinely never been to any class with small DC where parents have complained about behaviour. Usually everyone is very understanding.

Notimeforaname · 16/10/2023 20:35

There's no point addressing the 2 year old about it. It has to be to the mother, repeat as many times as necessary

Butterflybluepink · 16/10/2023 20:38

gamerchick · 16/10/2023 20:28

Mine used to line stuff up when young when he was super stressed out, it's how I knew he was struggling. It doesn't sound as if the bairns going to get much out of that.

Do you have to go for long? Sounds super stressful

Show quote history

I hate going, dd hates going ! We are waiting for a place at SEN nursery and are on a CIN plan and I have no choice as have to take her to every class and appt im told to even though it’s not helping her. I’ll be SO glad when she can be in the right environment. We only have SS as when she was tiny she had severe feeding issues and they queried FII (but it transpires it’s actually ARFID) and we were stepped down to CIN which is ‘voluntary’ but the advice I got was not to decline so now whatever they say to do I do and it’s horrible

ImWally6 · 16/10/2023 20:38

Why do you think you're being unreasonable? The one who is being unreasonable is the mother. She's not caring for your daughters feelings or yours so you do the same. Tell the brat to sod off. Or tell the brats mother to get her brat to brat off.

gamerchick · 16/10/2023 20:40

kittensinthekitchen · 16/10/2023 20:10

I had a conversation with someone from MNHQ about a similar situation where people on thread were making derogatory comments about a child. Their line was that its acceptable to say what you want about a child, because they're not here to defend themselves or read it.

So that's the Spirit of Mumsnet, just for information going forward.

Show quote history

Well technically that's true. But on a parenting website demonising a little child like that is pretty shocking. Give advice on how to handle it absolutely, but there's no need for the rest of what people have been posting. Whether they're parents or not.

This is a parent issue. Deal with them directly

Original poster
amidsummernightsdream · 16/10/2023 20:41

To those questioning what my daughter said, I was a bit surprised too to be honest.

However if you’re being really picky it actually was

mummy why you let X touch me, you not tell her to touch me’

rather than

mummy why did you let X touch me, you didnt tell her not to touch me’

The point is, this is bothering her at a class she has otherwise thoroughly enjoyed the past 12 months

OP posts:
Flamingos89 · 16/10/2023 20:42

You are going to a class filled with 2 year olds……… I am frankly floored it’s just the one child running around. Hitting and hair pulling absolutely wrong yes, and I’m glad the mum addressed that. But this is a class for 2 year olds.. TWO YEAR OLDS!!!! Of course some are going to loose interest and play - which is probably why the leader doesn’t think this is a massive deal as she is use to teaching this age group.

Really annoys me how people on here seem so quick to call children ‘brats’ and horrible names for acting their age. Not many mums of toddlers on mumsnet perhaps….

Thepossibility · 16/10/2023 20:42

I would kindly say to the mother
“x is SO adorable and social. She's really amazing! However my DD is finding her attention a bit overwhelming and is becoming scared of her. Can we please try to keep them apart?"
If she fails to help after this then I would start with the loud NO's and all that. The mum is probably wrapped up in the preciousness of her own kid and isn't judging the situation very well. The toddler is being a toddler.

RussianDoll777 · 16/10/2023 20:44

ImWally6 · 16/10/2023 20:38

Why do you think you're being unreasonable? The one who is being unreasonable is the mother. She's not caring for your daughters feelings or yours so you do the same. Tell the brat to sod off. Or tell the brats mother to get her brat to brat off.

Bloody hell. Do you have a toddler??