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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance going to 1 adult sibling

218 replies

Gafan · 16/10/2023 11:49

I just wanted some advice from people who are not close to the situation to get perspective.
I am eldest of 3 siblings in our late 30s/40s .
My parents don't have very much money but have some in the house. Short story dad has a limited illness and mum has decided that she is too old for full time work as has been breadwinner for 20 years and has worked very hard.
Youngest sibling has wife 3 kids and got himself into lots of debt and basically can't get out of it . Unsure of the reason as parents are being coy about it however they have 3 kids under 4. My brother has had some issues with his own business and some mental health around that.
Therefore parents have decided to move in with my brother and family and the money that would have been split 3 ways from house they are giving it all to him to get him out of the debt.
Myself and sister are comfortable sister is very comfortable however I don't have 40k kicking around!!
So my point is are myself and sister in the wrong to be p....d that my parents have done this? Brother has not got in touch either.
My sister doesn't have a very good relationship with parents anyway and this is just the cherry on top of the cake! I think there relationship will be almost over. I am really unhappy because it's going to divide us as a family. I don't trust my brother that he will do it again and then there all screwed and will expect us to bail them out.
Also my dad was very poorly when first diagnosed and both myself and sister financed them with no payback ( didn't want it) brother was only teens so couldn't help.

Any advice would be helpful

OP posts:
KneeQuestion · 16/10/2023 11:52

Its their money to do what they like with though?

MatildaTheCat · 16/10/2023 11:54

If your brother and his wife are committing to providing care and housing to your DP for their whole lives ( is DM in good health?) then they may well earn that inheritance. However if you feel it’s unfair then raise it with your parents and ask them if they have had legal advice. These informal arrangements can get very messy.

For example what if your DM decided she wants to live elsewhere in the future, how would that work?

paintingvenice · 16/10/2023 11:57

It’s not an inheritance unless someone has died. You all sound quite grabby, divvying up the spoils before they’ve even departed.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 16/10/2023 11:57

its not your money - move on.

Frenchfancy · 16/10/2023 11:58

Your parents ar not dead so there is no inheritance. They can spend their money how they please.

If your mum is retiring early then she could easily have another 30 years.

TheCupboardUnderTheStairsAtTheMojoDojoCasaHouse · 16/10/2023 12:00

It's not an inheritance unless they're already dead.

If I were your mum's friend, however, I would caution against removing her own safety net - what if she could no longer stay with the brother for any reason? Where would she live if she's past working age and has given him all her money?

Fulshaw · 16/10/2023 12:01

There’s nothing you can do other than ignore it and move on. You might even appreciate the fact that you’re not living in a household of seven people, two of whom are increasingly old and ill.

piscesangel · 16/10/2023 12:05

So at what age did their money stop being their own to do with as they please and become 'inheritance'? I hate this idea that at some stage adult children start feeling some entitlement to their parents' assets - it's just strange. If you have an issue with unfair treatment between siblings that's another issue, although the idea that parents could not help out their child in trouble without finding an equal amount for other children who are not in need is sad

Heelenahandbasket · 16/10/2023 12:05

I understand why you’re upset but the reality is that if they do care for your parents for the rest of their lives then they will have more than earned it. My concern would be that the arrangement would break down- tbh I think that is a realistic possibility.

Forestdweller11 · 16/10/2023 12:05

It is their money. But I'd be pissed off. Espec if potentially you are going to have to pick up the pieces.

A load of young children and then adding two seniors into the mix, with one in illhealth, sounds like recipe for resentment.

As per a PP what safeguards are there - could your parents basically be chucked out or have the bought into the house - so that they own 50% (or whatever) so that they have some security.

Or have they just handed over their dosh/assets

There could also be some deprivation of assets going on esp if one or the other of your parents will need a care home funded by the local authority. There's often a lot of talk about the Council being able to go back 7 years for finances when in reality they can go back a lot longer than that.

This potentially has disaster written all over it especially if they are being cagey with the details.

Think I'd just leave them to it really to get on with it.

INTERNETEXPL0RER · 16/10/2023 12:07

Id urge your parents to get legal advice right now, before they make any more plans or agree anything with your brother. As a PP said, these things can get very complicated.

what if one or both of your parents need care? There may be an issue of deprivation of assets.

what if you brother and SIL get divorced ? She will get half of everything ( more of she has the children ) and your parents will no doubt be homeless .

what if your brother continues to get into debt and they all lose the house ?

I think it’s easy for PP to suggest that it’s none of your business. But it will become your business if your parents end up with no money and homeless. Or need nursing home care etc .

Legolegends · 16/10/2023 12:07

I feel very sorry for your DB’s wife, if she is the main family carer. What a stitchup. (In home care is (£1,200- £1,800 per week where I live). Kids and parents? Couldn’t do that myself, for any amount of ££.

MrsClatterbuck · 16/10/2023 12:09

I wonder how your sil feels. Two extra adults one requiring care which I hope your dm will provide if able because with 3 kids under 4 her she has plenty on her plate. Is your brother hands on with the kids and doing his share of the housework and mental load. If not then probably won't get involved with his parents.
I'd he blows through his parents money you have no obligation to him but you might find your mum wanting to come live with you further down the line. Put your boundaries in place now or be prepared.

Fulshaw · 16/10/2023 12:12

Forestdweller11 · 16/10/2023 12:05

It is their money. But I'd be pissed off. Espec if potentially you are going to have to pick up the pieces.

A load of young children and then adding two seniors into the mix, with one in illhealth, sounds like recipe for resentment.

As per a PP what safeguards are there - could your parents basically be chucked out or have the bought into the house - so that they own 50% (or whatever) so that they have some security.

Or have they just handed over their dosh/assets

There could also be some deprivation of assets going on esp if one or the other of your parents will need a care home funded by the local authority. There's often a lot of talk about the Council being able to go back 7 years for finances when in reality they can go back a lot longer than that.

This potentially has disaster written all over it especially if they are being cagey with the details.

Think I'd just leave them to it really to get on with it.

Yeah, I wouldn’t be worrying about your inheritance, I’d be worrying about all of this.

Erivo · 16/10/2023 12:12

The worse of this is you know who will be picking up the pieces when it all goes wrong, I had that with my own brother. When the money is gone, when their mental health (which they know is a concern) deteriorates so they can no longer cope. Even if this is not about who get the inheritance this is a car crash waiting to happen for your parents.

WaltzingWaters · 16/10/2023 12:13

All a messy situation. Fair enough if they’re going to be providing care for your parents for the rest of their lives. But your parents need some kind of security to ensure your brother and SIL can’t just throw them out and leave them homeless and penniless.

Remember how they’ve favoured one child though if they expect you to do all the caring further down the line.

BalletBob · 16/10/2023 12:15

So you don't trust your brother, think he will end up in debt again and feel that you'll be expected to bail him out...why? You don't even know why the debt came about and you haven't been asked to help him. You're being very judgemental purely because you feel entitled to your parents' money. Presumably if things were different and it was you or your sister who were struggling instead, that's who they'd help. If you feel they generally favour your brother then that's a different issue, but you're making this all about the inheritance and money so I assume not.

Rousblouse · 16/10/2023 12:16

I think there are issues there that are coming to the fore now there are serious challenges in your family that were actually always there. That is really, really common especially when illness or some other family crisis occurs.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable feeling anyway that you do feel (feelings are just messages that your intuition picks up on, they are never rational and really they should just give you advice about courses of action same as being hot and cold tells you what to wear). You know there is something wrong here because you feel it but you have a lot of choices about what action you can take at a very vulnerable time. You can speak up, you can stay quiet you can say more or less as you choose.

I think all you can do is just move forward as best as you, there is nothing you can do to change other people.

Lottie4 · 16/10/2023 12:16

Totally understand you're not very happy about it. It's not actually the money, it's the feeling that you're not considered.

One thing I'd be concerned about is that parents need to ensure that 1))% BIL will provide all their care in the future, also that he can be trusted not to get into financial difficulties again. If they've given a considerable amount to him, they won't qualify for free care. That'll leave them in a very difficult situation.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 16/10/2023 12:18

Your parents aren't dead, so talking about inheritance isn't appropriate here.

They are within their rights to help your brother - their money, their choice. However, there is no reason you should ever feel obliged to help him. If he gets into debt again, that's his problem, not yours.

Just be glad you're better at managing your money as an independent adult.

2jacqi · 16/10/2023 12:18

TheCupboardUnderTheStairsAtTheMojoDojoCasaHouse · 16/10/2023 12:00

It's not an inheritance unless they're already dead.

If I were your mum's friend, however, I would caution against removing her own safety net - what if she could no longer stay with the brother for any reason? Where would she live if she's past working age and has given him all her money?

Surely you dont expect OP to take her in?? its really a case of her making her own bed. pretty sure that at some point in the future OP's brother will lose his house anyway, no matter how much money he receives for free!! I have been in a similar situation with my mum leaving her house to one sister who was always in debt and who, incidentally, would be unable to live in the house because she couldnt use stairs! Our family home ended up being given to sister's daughter!! the other two sisters, myself included, were not even allowed mementos of our father who died many years previously. all pics of me growing upwere binned as was my other sis;s wedding album!! totally divided the family!

HighEndGrifters · 16/10/2023 12:19

Under those conditions, they would be welcome to it.

Dora33 · 16/10/2023 12:20

While it is hurtful to you that your parents are giving the monies from sale of their house to your brother.
Please think of the risk your parents are taking and how it will effect them longterm.
I have seen situations like this before where the parents and 1 son / daughter decide to move in together. Either the son/daughter would move into the parents house and buy the house for a considerable reduction. Or the parents would move into the son/ daughters house and give them a considerable amount from the sale of their own property.
None of these situations worked out well for the parents.
In one, the daughter broke up with her husband & the house that was originally the parents had to be sold. The parents had to move 2 hours away to afford somewhere to live.
Another one, the son's wife found it very stressful living with his parents and the parents were asked to leave. No money could be given to the parents as it was long spend.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 16/10/2023 12:20

Your parents need legal advice. Perhaps they should go on the deeds of your brother's house if they're putting that much money into it?

2jacqi · 16/10/2023 12:21

it really deeply hurts when parents give preferential treatment to one sibling! they should all be treated the same!