Inheritance going to 1 adult sibling

[Gafan]

I just wanted some advice from people who are not close to the situation to get perspective.
I am eldest of 3 siblings in our late 30s/40s .
My parents don't have very much money but have some in the house. Short story dad has a limited illness and mum has decided that she is too old for full time work as has been breadwinner for 20 years and has worked very hard.
Youngest sibling has wife 3 kids and got himself into lots of debt and basically can't get out of it . Unsure of the reason as parents are being coy about it however they have 3 kids under 4. My brother has had some issues with his own business and some mental health around that.
Therefore parents have decided to move in with my brother and family and the money that would have been split 3 ways from house they are giving it all to him to get him out of the debt.
Myself and sister are comfortable sister is very comfortable however I don't have 40k kicking around!!
So my point is are myself and sister in the wrong to be p....d that my parents have done this? Brother has not got in touch either.
My sister doesn't have a very good relationship with parents anyway and this is just the cherry on top of the cake! I think there relationship will be almost over. I am really unhappy because it's going to divide us as a family. I don't trust my brother that he will do it again and then there all screwed and will expect us to bail them out.
Also my dad was very poorly when first diagnosed and both myself and sister financed them with no payback ( didn't want it) brother was only teens so couldn't help.

Any advice would be helpful

My sister is inheriting everything, house money etc I couldn't give a monkeys.
My sister and her husband (and child) live with my mother. Who could live another 20 years.

There isn't enough money that would make me consider living with my mother in her old age. She is a pain in the hole, cantankerous and getting worse as years go by.

You are assuming that at sometime in the future both your parents will have died and left an "inheritance" which you would share. There is every chance this money would be spent on providing care for them, or (as it's their money) spent on holidays/living/given to a new spouse! Would you, or your sister, be willing to take your parents in and provide a home and care for the rest of their lives? Unless your brother has a very large house, with a separate annexe, this sounds like a rubbish situation for all of them.

You don't need to know your brother's financial information. Often parents give assistance unequally to their children because everyone's situation and needs are different - due to geography, health, luck, natural ability etc. The most helpful thing you could do would be to recommend that all sides get legal advice and dispassionately consider what may happen in 10, 20 or 30 years time.

If I were your sil, I'd be getting divorced as soon as the debts were paid.
But your parents potential predicament is not your issue.

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel forgotten and unwanted either. There might never be an inheritance after care, but I imagine having a third of nothing would have felt better.

I'd also be concerned about deprivation of assets.

If your parents get too frail or are unable to be looked after by your brother/SIL (poor woman), and it's not realistic to look after a person with advanced dementia etc at home, they will end up in the crappiest council home imaginable as there will be no assets left.

Can't your brother's family move in with them? And your brother sounds as if he would be better filing for bankruptcy, is this a possibility?

Might as well burn money as give it to someone who is chronically unable to manage it.

Deprivation of assets - just pointing out in case anyone not familiar with the term tried googling

The saying is something like you are only as happiest as your unhappiest child! This happened to my ex and his siblings. My god was there a fallout. None of the siblings speak to the one who got it. The sibling himself has a weird guilt thing going on but blames everyone else but himself. Sometimes i wonder if the parents were bullied into giving their inheritance/other times i think they wanted to help their son in need. But in the process, they destroyed the family.

If one of my siblings offered to house and care for my elderly parents it would not bother me to forfeit money from an inheritance. I think I read somewhere that under 15% of the UK receive an inheritance.

My father came to live with me for the last three years of his life. One brother took him shopping once a week, the other only came to see him on his birthday and Father’s Day. He sold his flat and split the money three ways. It was the worst three years of my life. I hadn’t been close to him, I discovered that he was a deeply unpleasant person and the strain of having to be nice to him was overwhelming. When he died the money left in his bank account (around £10,000) I did the decent thing and asked my brothers for their bank account details. The brother who only saw him occasionally is financially very well off, he has a well paid job and lives in a council house so pays lowish rent. I honestly thought he would say no, you keep it. You deserve it. But no. And then he went on Facebook saying how our father was a top bloke and how he was going to miss him. I let him know in a text message how upset I was. Friends and other family members were also shocked by his FB post. He lives about fifteen miles away from me yet hardly visited the man he said he was going to miss! Suffice to say it split the family, I have nothing to do with either of them. I think if I was you I would say fair enough but don’t come to me if it all goes wrong. You should in no way be forced to bail them out. Don’t help your brother with money, he’s not your responsibility. Also if your parents go into a care home they will most likely be in trouble if the proceeds of the house sale go to him. It’s frowned upon to intentionally deprive yourself of assets. However if he does look after them for years he will have definitely earned the money.

Setting aside the 'inheritance' point, anyone going into a plan like this really needs proper independent legal advice from someone who will point out all the pitfalls, and there are many, most of which have been mentioned earlier in this thread.

A couple in our family sold their house to their DD, who moved in with her DC on the understanding that DD would look after them. Unfortunately, one of them then developed some pretty serious health problems and DD did not want to know. She had massive MH issues, which her DPs had not really previously understood and the relationship broke down. They ended their lives in a one bedroomed social housing property, with one of them sleeping on the sofa because the other needed the bedroom for their hospital bed.

OP's DPs should be very careful.

I'd steer very well clear. This has the potential to turn into quite the mess, and you're lucky enough not to be enmeshed in it.

And they can expect all the money they like from you, but you've no obligation to give it. You need better boundaries on that front, and otherwise leave them to it.

Never expect an inheritance.

However it would be sensible for your parents to keep back some of the capital from the sale of their house - check what the maximum savings pot is before someone has to self-fund their care and suggest they keep back that much each.

If living with your brother means they don't have to spend all their capital on long term care needs then that's good - it's better that your brother gets the money than it going into the profits of a shoddy personal healthcare company and you are no worse off

I thought this too.

Its deeply hurtful to think that because your brother messed up he gets a buy from your parents again. All the money, childcare and general help. I can imagine it'd be like having a chef/nanny/housekeeper.

There are two big buts - unfortunately, your parents have agency and have decided on their plan. The sister in law has to put up with your parents for the next 30 years - that is if it works out.

My own personal anecdotes - My parents have given everything to my alcoholic brother. They care for him 24/7 while he is in end stage alcoholism and has liver failure. They have no money left to leave me and give me no practical help, not even a birthday present this year. It hurts like anything.

I knew a family where the wife's parents moved in with them as they were financially struggling. After the huge extention and all the money was spent, the husband threw the wife's parents out one night and they ended up homeless.

This. Your brother is likely to earn this inheritance dearly.

Exactly the same situation here - BIL is youngest, has more kids than he can afford, so MIL has bought them a house and lives with them. We choose to see it as they’re “earning” their inheritance by caring for her, which will be no easy task as she ages, not a job I’d be volunteering for anyway!

This.

Especially if there’s any change in circumstances. Your DB and wife could have another child or even divorce. I doubt your DB would want to be living with his elderly mum if he was single again.

I don’t think it sounds like this is about the money. It sounds to me like it’s about the enabling of your brother’s crappy behaviour. If I’m right tell your parents you don’t care about the money and you don’t want it but they should seek legal advice and ask themselves if bailing out your brother is really going to help him to change.

YANBU to feel this way as it seems very unfair to leave everything to 1 and not another.

however, he now has the responsibility of caring for your parents.

Just make sure that if he does get into debt again, that you do not bail any of them out. That is not your responsibility.

Your brother and his family are going to be caring for your parents presumably until they die?

If your mum is still of working age now, I doubt there'll be any inheritance anyway as the money will probably be spent while they're alive.

Yanbu to feel upset about your brother getting preferential treatment. The problem with financially supporting one child and not others, is that it can imply that there is a favourite child. My DM has had a similar issue with her parents / siblings where on of the three (also the only son!) has got into lots of debt and has been financially supported by my DGPs. They also have fairly modest means, so are only unable to support him / his children. This has really caused a rift between my mum (and aunt) and their DB / D parents. I know from speaking to my mum that she has interpreted it as her DB / his children are the favourites, whereas I actually think there is a lot of underlying sexism in this whereby my DGPs see their DDs as more capable of standing on their own two feet than their DS.

On a side note, as others have mentioned, this whole arrangement sounds completely unsustainable. If your DB is anything like my uncle then this won’t help him out of his debt, he’ll still continue overspending and all that will have happened will be that your parents will have thrown away their modest assets and created a feeling of resentment from you and your sister.

If I were you I would strongly advise your parents to seek independent legal advise before going through with this. Don’t mention your unhappiness about the arrangement, as whilst it is completely valid, it will serve as a distraction from the potential disastrous situation they are putting themselves in. If they do still decide to go through it then I think your sister has the right idea about distancing herself. The closer you are, the more likely you are to be caught up in this all when it all goes tits up.

Would I be pissed off if my sibling got given £40k and I didn't? Yes, probably.

But...it sounds like it is mutually beneficial. Your brother needs money, and your parents need care.

Thy're still alive, op. They're spending their money how they choose, it's not your inheritance.
How crass are you?

Obviously your parents can do with their money as they wish. However of my parents left all to my sister and left me out. I'd be angry and hurt.

I think you should cut your losses, move on and try to forget about them. There's no money coming your way so you have no obligation to help them in future. You're better off just getting on with your life and spend the energy you would have spent on them trying to earn more money instead.

You have every right to be upset by this.
However
As your parents are alive the money and house is not inheritance it’s their money. They are free to spend it however they wish.

I would, however, speak to your parents to look at possible future scenarios.
What happens if your brother gets into debt again. Where will your parents live. What rights do they have, if any, over your brothers house.

Should they have their names put on his deeds.

I would suggest they speak to a lawyer to safeguard their future.