Inheritance going to 1 adult sibling

[Gafan]

I just wanted some advice from people who are not close to the situation to get perspective.
I am eldest of 3 siblings in our late 30s/40s .
My parents don't have very much money but have some in the house. Short story dad has a limited illness and mum has decided that she is too old for full time work as has been breadwinner for 20 years and has worked very hard.
Youngest sibling has wife 3 kids and got himself into lots of debt and basically can't get out of it . Unsure of the reason as parents are being coy about it however they have 3 kids under 4. My brother has had some issues with his own business and some mental health around that.
Therefore parents have decided to move in with my brother and family and the money that would have been split 3 ways from house they are giving it all to him to get him out of the debt.
Myself and sister are comfortable sister is very comfortable however I don't have 40k kicking around!!
So my point is are myself and sister in the wrong to be p....d that my parents have done this? Brother has not got in touch either.
My sister doesn't have a very good relationship with parents anyway and this is just the cherry on top of the cake! I think there relationship will be almost over. I am really unhappy because it's going to divide us as a family. I don't trust my brother that he will do it again and then there all screwed and will expect us to bail them out.
Also my dad was very poorly when first diagnosed and both myself and sister financed them with no payback ( didn't want it) brother was only teens so couldn't help.

Any advice would be helpful

Until father needs full time care, there’s no money left to fund it and the LA want to know where the money’s gone, because now they’re being asked to pay. From there it gets messy. Not to mention what happens if brother gets into more debt and makes them all homeless, or SiL decides she can’t cope with care needs.

I always find these interesting as the 'other' children do not take into account their parent/s are getting something for the 'inheritance' they are 'giving' away. Accommodation, company, support, companionship, peace of mind etc. I am guessing this 'purchase' is something they are happy with and its their money and their final stages of life. They don't owe you and your sister 'inheritance'.

I don’t blame you for being browned off OP. I don’t think it’s ‘grabby’ to expect inheritances to be divided largely equally between adult children - and maybe Gdcs, if there’s enough.

TBH people who run up a lot of debt maybe well be hopeless with money (I know this won’t always apply by any means) and will all too likely only do it again - especially if they suddenly feel ‘flush’ again.

The fact that people are legally entitled to do whatever they want with their own assets is beside the point - to me, anyway. I know my parents and ILs would never have dreamt of unequal shares, let alone leaving anyone out.

Another person who finds “it’s their money, it’s their choice” mantra annoying. It’s very cold and unfeeling to the other siblings who have been ignored.

However, in this case though, your parents are getting something for it in return it looks like? Or at least are expecting it? £40,000 is not a huge amount and you and especially DS are reasonably comfortable. I’d stay completely out of it and their choices and especially the consequences of those choices.l down the road. Maybe thank your lucky stars you are not involved in such an arrangement even (and it might work out for them who knows).

I would be worried about my parents putting themselves in such a vulnerable situation.
They could end up homeless and penniless.

l would be very glad that they are taking on the care of your parents tbh. After having retired early to look after my Parents . My Mum is now in a home after5 years of us caring for her, completely her decision , which she is paying for and l am glad she is happy and l don't care about the money because it was never mine in the first place . You won't have to do a thing OP and that is so freeing, worth far more than money .

I doubt the OP is planning any wad chucking herself. She just wants a wad chucked at her instead of her brother.

If the brother and his wife have to care for his parents it may stop them having even more offspring they can't afford. It also absolves the sisters from getting involved in their care too.

I'd be more worried about the fact brother has done it once and will probably get in to debt again. I'd be making it clear that if it all goes tits up they could become homeless and you will not be bailing them out. I'd also be very upset if my parents gave all the money to one child. I'd be telling them this is your choice but don't expect me to be around for you in years to come. As you clearly care about one child more than the other. Just because I haven't made stupid life decisions and got myself in to debt doesn't mean he deserves this more than me.

The OP and her sister have helped their parents before.

Now they see their feckless brother engineering a plan that saves his bacon and her parents have once again bought into it.

Of course the OP is irritated by this.

History has shown her that when things go tits up, she and her sister may be prevailed upon to intervene again, when her parents may be homeless because of their brothers poor decision making.

Too right she has reason to be unhappy, not just because of the unequal distribution of her parents assets, but of the potential for a huge future headache which they may end up feeling obliged to fix.

What inheritance? Who died?

At the end of life, money doesn't mean anything, but the relationships do. Don't let money get in the way. Your parents are trying to help in the way they think they are able to. As an adult, best you can do is accept it and move on. There may be uncomfortable feelings but there's nothing to problem-solve, let them be, accept and move on.

Your sister is very comfortably off you've said and does not get on with your parents so on what planet does she think she would get handouts?

Your brother is in debt and has mh issues. Your parents are supporting the dc who needs it. Might not seem fair bit life often isn't.

My DP have helped bail out both my siblings - one did keep having money issues but has finally stabilised a bit - other it wasn't so much their fault messy breakup but with first child they got free childcare and frankly all the attention on that GC.

When we got into trouble - house and redundancy we got a loan we paid back with some interest very welcome intervention but not on the same level as siblings but was a huge help.

I've had moments of envy/resentment - especially when things like serious accidents happened and we were on our own at same realising DP felt they had little choice in the matter as siblings were in serious trouble.

I also worried as feared care expectations were being directed at me by IL and DPs - but we move considerable distance for work - and now DPs need help siblings have stepped up (to my surprise) - though they snip at each other for not doing more as suspect they do at me as well having doubtless forgotten all the bail outs and help they had years before though main factor limiting my help is distance.

All I can suggest is that you strongly suggest to your DP that they get legal advice to protect themselves and their future but they may not take that advice.

It's a messy, hurtful situation.

I think I'd try and view it as a lucky escape. Your parents are now your sibling's problem to support.

General consensus inheritance is not a right.

However you as a family need to all sit down and address the fact that homes are regularly sold to finance care at later stages of life, so what is their plan. E.g. should they talk to a financial advisor and put a lump sum in to stocks/shares, or will they not being pay rent and board at your brothers in which case they will save their pensions? Also have they arranged and paid for their funerals?

If you really want to make your point I'd message your whole family on whatsapp Inc SIL and say you think it's wonderful that your brother and SIL will be living in a multi generational home creating strong bonds between GC and GP and the relief in knowing your parents on going care will be managed by your brother and sil and of course when the time comes you will help with things like lifts to appointments (basically nothing financial)

Chances are the majority of this will all fall to your SIL who will have 3 kids and 2 parents plus possibly her own to care for for the next 20years.

It will either then be accepted or oh no hang on type of situation

This sounds extremely messy. Your parents money is Thetis to do with as they wish. However, as PPs have said these arrangements can be fraught.
Your parents would be much better off moving your brother in with them and then he can pay off the debt by eg selling his house/ not paying rent. If they sell their house and give him the money then they have nothing ... what if your brother kicks them out

I think you have a good handle on it TBH. It's unfair and will likely cause a rift with your brother. But it's your parents' right to choose. Playing favourites with children is a bad idea at any stage of life (even after the end of life in Wills) and I wonder if this is a continuation of behaviour by your parents over many years, meaning preference by them for their youngest child.

I’d be hurt too. If you didn’t have the word inheritance and they were playing favourites on other ways, then people would be saying it’s unfair.

and it is.

I know of a farming family in the SW with one son and multiple daughters. The son was the only one sent to private school, the girls went to the village school. He was destined to inherit the immensely lucrative farm, land and multiple properties. The girls, nothing. Not a thing. They’re understandably extremely resentful. The parents moved into a huge brand new home nearby, the rest went to the son. He’s spent a fortune on the 12+ bedroom ‘farmhouse’. The son’s wife did not come from money, has got giddy with her new status and has all but banned the sisters from coming to the house anymore (they’re all early thirties to early forties, with young children. If you know what inherited family farms are like, the house feels like a place the family will always be welcome, though they did not abuse that, they’re all successful in their own rights) and the girls’ relationship with the parents is all but dead due to the archaic decision to give the son everything.

It’s a sad end to a big, formerly happy family.

Inheritance isn’t a right? Well, it is in France. And it stops a lot of the terrible family disputes we see today. In France a child is entitled to 50%, and if there are more children it’s divided up to 75%. So much fairer.

I'm unsure why you think it fair for someone to be legally entitled to anything they didn’t for.

It also causes problems sometimes though.

I know someone who is estranged from his son in the UK and wants to leave everything to his wife and stepchildren but can't.

And sometimes it works the other way around in terms of care too. Sometimes people living in the UK have been informed by the French government that they need to pay for the care of an estranged parent living in France who abandoned them as a baby.

Nothing is perfect. But disinheriting children without a good reason creates a lot of problems. I prefer the French way myself. The French way is also more generally pro-caring for the families we create. I’m always shocked to come on MN and see how many people think it’s ok to leave your adult children impoverished even if you are rich.

And the much more (to me) civilised and heartfelt French way does allow parents to leave up to 50% elsewhere e.g. to the friend they met last year, charity etc.