Inheritance going to 1 adult sibling

[Gafan]

I just wanted some advice from people who are not close to the situation to get perspective.
I am eldest of 3 siblings in our late 30s/40s .
My parents don't have very much money but have some in the house. Short story dad has a limited illness and mum has decided that she is too old for full time work as has been breadwinner for 20 years and has worked very hard.
Youngest sibling has wife 3 kids and got himself into lots of debt and basically can't get out of it . Unsure of the reason as parents are being coy about it however they have 3 kids under 4. My brother has had some issues with his own business and some mental health around that.
Therefore parents have decided to move in with my brother and family and the money that would have been split 3 ways from house they are giving it all to him to get him out of the debt.
Myself and sister are comfortable sister is very comfortable however I don't have 40k kicking around!!
So my point is are myself and sister in the wrong to be p....d that my parents have done this? Brother has not got in touch either.
My sister doesn't have a very good relationship with parents anyway and this is just the cherry on top of the cake! I think there relationship will be almost over. I am really unhappy because it's going to divide us as a family. I don't trust my brother that he will do it again and then there all screwed and will expect us to bail them out.
Also my dad was very poorly when first diagnosed and both myself and sister financed them with no payback ( didn't want it) brother was only teens so couldn't help.

Any advice would be helpful

I understand it feels very unfair that they are treating your brother differently because he has made bad decisions in life.

From your point of view I probably wouldn't be worried about the money. It's not clear from your post but if 40k is the amount you would receive if they split the proceeds from the sale of their house three ways, that's not a lot of money so it sounds like a very modest house. They wouldn't be selling it right now unless they were moving in with your brother, so if they hadn't decided to do that you wouldn't expect to get that money now or in the foreseeable future anyway, and the chances are you would never see it.

What I would be concerned about is what happens if the arrangement with your brother doesn't work out. By selling their home and giving the proceeds to your brother, they are entrusting essentially all their money to a man who has already demonstrated that he is bad with money and is in debt. They will then be completely beholden to him because they will have nowhere to live other than with him. If he spends that money and then gets into further debt, in a worst case scenario he could lose his home and they would then also be homeless.

Without raising the fact that you and your sister feel aggrieved about not getting a share, I would talk to your parents about whether this whole plan is really a good idea and how they plan to support themselves if at some point in the future they can no longer live with your brother.

Crikey, Yabu.
How absolutely lovely of your dh and his wife to offer to look after your parents. I'd be breathing a sigh of relief in your shoes. How utterly abhorrent of you and your sister to think of it as inheritance.

Your mother could live another 30 years! And you want the proceeds of her house sale? Fucking hell OP.

They want to help their struggling son and 4 very young grandchildren and come to a mutually beneficial living arrangement at the same time.

This is sensible balanced advice

Your parents are getting themselves in a really vulnerable situation. Firstly, they will be giving away their financial security to a man who sounds financially irresponsible. Secondly, they will be giving up their home. I think this is what you should focus on.

I don't think they can get any legal right to live in your brother's house if he asks them to leave. Or to stay in the area if he decides to sell and move. If he get into more debt and loses the house, they will also be homeless.

They must get legal advice. If they refuse to do this or refuse to even listen to your concerns then just leave them to it. They are adults and can spend their money how they like.

In that case, OP can have her parents move in and have her care for them for four months a year, and her siblings do the same.

I'd be breathing a sigh of relief in your shoes

Me too. I wouldn't be wanting to take my in laws in when I have three small children and a DH with mental health issues and a history of getting us into debt. The amount of money involved is absolutely not worth it.

In amazed that you're whinging about an inheritance that (if it isn't eaten up in care fees) you wouldn't even get for a few decades, rather than thinking 'rather then than me'.

Exactly as @Dora33 describes above: DH mother (so MiL) did something similar except DH's sibling moved in with MiL - so in effect they had her house, and she provided childcare, helped them with debts etc. Few years later they said she was a nuisance and they needed the extra bedroom, she was in late 60s by then, ended up they said she'd have to leave so DH and I managed to get her a social housing flat (sheltered accommodation). She died soon after moving out and sibling sold "their" house, made a lot of money on it, moved away.

To her dying day, and in her will, MiL favoured the grabby sibling who took over her home then pushed her out of it, would never hear a word said against them. Very sad for DH.

While people are right in that it's obviously their money to do with what they wish, I think it's fine for you and your sister to feel pissed.
I have something similar but with grandchildren. Some get lots of "extra" because we don't "need it" my child gets missed out. Drives me loopy but what can you do🤷🏻‍♀️

Like others I think this sounds a really risky idea for your parents, but I don't think you can say a thing until you've got out of this mindset that they are favouring him or that you have some claim on their money.

Frankly, if my mother moved in with me, my sister and my brother would consider that I was the one taking on the tough job, and they would be right. In fact I've raised it as a possibility and they have told me not to due to my mother's high level of care need. Even if she were still more able, taking parents to live with you is a big choice and it does sound really risky. It can work out, but over the next 2-3 decades it'sa big ask. It would be good if you and your sister can approach this as supportive members of the family helping your parents to decide if this is really the ideal choice for them, rather than assuming that you are losing out in some way.

Inheritance aside given that no one has died, they all need to take some legal advice.
What happens if your brother dies? What if they're not able to provide care to one or both parents and it has to be paid for? In my family we have a relative paying over 3k a month for at home care. Where would that money come from?

I wouldn't be breathing a sigh of relief, to be honest.

There's a very real chance this arrangement won't work out and then the OP and her sister could end up having to support their now homeless parents.

I'd be very worried about that possibility.

Also, given that the OP's father already has a known illness and neither of them are spring chickens, I'd be worried that if they need care in the future the local authority might view this as deliberate deprivation of assets.

Your parents are moving in with your brother, so I think if they have £40k equity then fair enough your brother gets it.

It'll be lovely for your parents to get to live under the same roof as their grandchildren.

The only issue is if one/both of your parents require care. They cannot just "give" the money to your brother as this would count as deprivation of assets. They can give him some money e.g. pay your brother board and lodgings, and give the permitted yearly amount, but by handing over a large sum of money, then this could leave them in trouble should they then need to pay for care.

Of course if your brother is willing to be their carer then fair enough.

OP I agree with the replies above. I'd be a lot less concerned with your theoretical missing 40k (if all of their money is in their house, it's really unlikely you'd be getting the money by the time they pass. Being elderly is expensive and so many things can happen) and I'd be fairly happy that someone was helping to look after them.

However they do really need to look after themselves legally. As someone said above, what happens if brother dies? I'm not saying your SIL would turf them out immediately, but she'd be finding herself having to work and care for 3 children herself, asking her to add two adults to that care list is a lot.

Someone needs to look into their legal interests.

OP you will be told you are greedy and it’s not your money etc etc however I get it . My Mum left everything to my brother ( always the Golden Child) and nothing to me . At the time I was a struggling LP and I admit it hurt .

I think people are being really harsh to you OP. You know your DB better than internet posters and know that you will be the one sorting out the mess left. You have also financially supported your parents in the past with no payback. The money could go into a black hole, is the money going to be used just to pay debts? Does Db have a house with a mortgage - and will your parents be paying that but have no stake in the house? Is your DB renting? What will happen if DB and his wife split - your parents could find themselves homeless - lots of issues and scenarios. If they need residential care within a few years then the money given to your DB could be seen as depravation of assets when the fnancial assessment is carried out. I'd ask your parents if they have considered all angles.

Ultimately they will do what they want whatever the consequences for your family

How on earth did you think I was telling the OP to take her in?

If I was your mum's friend I'd be cautioning against this entire arrangement for fear of eventually finding herself homeless with nowhere to go.

Stop financially supporting any of them.

I think the rule with deprivation of assets is whether there is a reasonable expectation of the need for care at the time they are handed over. If both parents were in good health, then no problem, but it sounds as though that’s not the case here. If either parent needs care then the LA would have a good case for assessing care costs as though they still owned the property and any other assets disposed of.

You are not in any way unreasonable to feel that this is incredibly unfair. You'll get a whole load of people banging on about how it is your parents money and they can do as they like with it, which is true but also incredibly naïve. It's about so much more than just cold hard cash. It's about how you feel that your parents value you in comparison to siblings and is tied up with feelings of rejection and also feelings of guilt, worry and responsibility

Some PP's have made good points about future problems that really need to be considered. If you can, do try to encourage your parents to seek legal advice before they commit to anything.

I'm sorry you are in this position.

What is your mum going to live on if she’s not working and giving your brother the proceeds of the house? If she’s still of working age I would hope she has a lot of years to live. Even if her housing was covered by your brother she’s not going to want to rely on him for all her living costs.

I stand back and let your younger brother look after your parents.

Deprivation of access, thats dubious as the parent is already sick and selling up to move in with the brother so that they can be looked after. Could be speculated that changes had to be made - SIL gave up working full time to care etc so money had to be put into the mortgage. Deprivation of access is when you deliberately give away money without anything back but with the purpose of not paying your own care home fees.

OP Would you want your parents to move in with you? Would you want to look after your sick father?

Quite. What if he squandered away enough money that they lost the house?

I'm not sure the local authority would see it this way.

They won't look too deeply at the reasons why it was done. They'll just ask themselves whether the person concerned got rid of assets they owned at a time when the prospect of needing to pay for care at some point was reasonably foreseeable.

Would I be upset in your position? Maybe, yes. But I would rather the money made one persons life much better than make 2 peoples much better and one persons a bit better.

It's not your money and never was, so I think you just need to accept it and move on.