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AIBU?

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Original poster

Inheritance going to 1 adult sibling

218 replies

Gafan · 16/10/2023 11:49

I just wanted some advice from people who are not close to the situation to get perspective.
I am eldest of 3 siblings in our late 30s/40s .
My parents don't have very much money but have some in the house. Short story dad has a limited illness and mum has decided that she is too old for full time work as has been breadwinner for 20 years and has worked very hard.
Youngest sibling has wife 3 kids and got himself into lots of debt and basically can't get out of it . Unsure of the reason as parents are being coy about it however they have 3 kids under 4. My brother has had some issues with his own business and some mental health around that.
Therefore parents have decided to move in with my brother and family and the money that would have been split 3 ways from house they are giving it all to him to get him out of the debt.
Myself and sister are comfortable sister is very comfortable however I don't have 40k kicking around!!
So my point is are myself and sister in the wrong to be p....d that my parents have done this? Brother has not got in touch either.
My sister doesn't have a very good relationship with parents anyway and this is just the cherry on top of the cake! I think there relationship will be almost over. I am really unhappy because it's going to divide us as a family. I don't trust my brother that he will do it again and then there all screwed and will expect us to bail them out.
Also my dad was very poorly when first diagnosed and both myself and sister financed them with no payback ( didn't want it) brother was only teens so couldn't help.

Any advice would be helpful

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 16/10/2023 13:21

I don't trust my brother that he will do it again and then there all screwed and will expect us to bail them out.

This is when you say ‘no’.

Has your brother always been the golden one? It’s not unheard of when there’s an only boy among the children, as fucked as that is.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 16/10/2023 13:23

Your parents are fools doing this. What happens once your brother has spent the money and the reality of having 2 extra adults in the house kicks in? What happens when SIL has had enough and wants her home back, where will your now penniless parents go?

Cakeandcardio · 16/10/2023 13:23

KneeQuestion · 16/10/2023 11:52

Its their money to do what they like with though?

Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt a lot to be kicked aside by your parents. Of course it's their money. But they also have 3 kids and are clearly favouring one.
This is probably the end of their relationship with the other two children.

KneeQuestion · 16/10/2023 13:24

No one is being kicked aside though.

Atticustheaardvark · 16/10/2023 13:25

Forestdweller11 · 16/10/2023 12:05

It is their money. But I'd be pissed off. Espec if potentially you are going to have to pick up the pieces.

A load of young children and then adding two seniors into the mix, with one in illhealth, sounds like recipe for resentment.

As per a PP what safeguards are there - could your parents basically be chucked out or have the bought into the house - so that they own 50% (or whatever) so that they have some security.

Or have they just handed over their dosh/assets

There could also be some deprivation of assets going on esp if one or the other of your parents will need a care home funded by the local authority. There's often a lot of talk about the Council being able to go back 7 years for finances when in reality they can go back a lot longer than that.

This potentially has disaster written all over it especially if they are being cagey with the details.

Think I'd just leave them to it really to get on with it.

^^ This is your answer in a nutshell. Particularly the very valid points about one or both parents needing care home support in the future, and the potential for your brother to default once again on his finances, putting them all at risk of being homeless. These two areas would worry me far more than the inheritance 'spend'.

VWdieselnightmare · 16/10/2023 13:25

I'd say that £40k is a small price to pay for being able to hand over all responsibility for your parents to your brother and his wife. Your mum could go on for many more years.

As others have pointed out, what I'd be worrying about is when, having given your brother their savings and the equity in their home, your parents fall out with your DB and DSIL and turn to you or your DSis for support. In your shoes, I'd have a serious conversation with my parents asking them what plans they have for when things go wrong — which I bet they will.

They may assume that they'll get HA or council housing and benefits given their age/ health situation. But if they've given all their money to your DB it may be seen as deliberately divesting themselves of their assets and they may not get any help — in which case I imagine they'll expect you or your DSis to help out. So have that conversation with them now, and make it clear that if it all backfires you won't be picking up the pieces.

Hibiscrubbed · 16/10/2023 13:25

KneeQuestion · 16/10/2023 13:24

No one is being kicked aside though.

“Here son, have everything we have. Oh, you’ve fucked it again, girls, can you pay for us and sort it out please?”

WastingTimeOnTheInternet · 16/10/2023 13:26

I can see where you are coming from, but your brother is committing to care for them and have them live with him. Would you take them in instead? Or your sister? because it must be they want to live with family. I think it’s an arrangement that is suiting both your brother and your parents.

OliveWah · 16/10/2023 13:27

What will happen to your parents if your DB and SIL divorce? I imagine that since she has 3 young DC, she would want to remain in the family home with them, but wouldn't have any reason to continue to house and care for her elderly ex-DPIL.

I think I'd probably feel a bit put out by being overlooked financially (simply due to the implication that DB is the favoured child), but in the grand scheme of things, I think I'd be happy to be clear of the situation, which sounds like a total nightmare for all concerned.

WowOK · 16/10/2023 13:28

I think it's hurtful. He made poor life choices and fucked up and the have chosen to bail him out to the detriment of you and your sister. Ultimately, it's their money to do with as they wish however hurtful. I would smile and say nothing BUT if/when it all goes tits up I wouldn't be bailing anyone out not your parents or your brother. I wouldn't be financing or housing anyone. They made their bed so let them lay in it.

Honeychickpea · 16/10/2023 13:29

WastingTimeOnTheInternet · 16/10/2023 13:26

I can see where you are coming from, but your brother is committing to care for them and have them live with him. Would you take them in instead? Or your sister? because it must be they want to live with family. I think it’s an arrangement that is suiting both your brother and your parents.

It suits the OP as well, apart from her fear of missing out on her parents money.

RethinkingLife · 16/10/2023 13:30

“Here son, have everything we have. Oh, you’ve fucked it again, girls, can you pay for us and sort it out please?

A familiar story to so many of us…(Not my parents as they died early and left nothing but debts that DB didn't have to deal with but the Golden Nephew has accrued everything from all of my deceased (single) aunts and uncles because of his mental health/addictions/debts.)

Rosscameasdoody · 16/10/2023 13:32

YireosDodeAver · 16/10/2023 13:10

Never expect an inheritance.

However it would be sensible for your parents to keep back some of the capital from the sale of their house - check what the maximum savings pot is before someone has to self-fund their care and suggest they keep back that much each.

If living with your brother means they don't have to spend all their capital on long term care needs then that's good - it's better that your brother gets the money than it going into the profits of a shoddy personal healthcare company and you are no worse off

What you’re suggesting would almost certainly be viewed as deprivation of assets should either one of them require full time care.

mewkins · 16/10/2023 13:32

BalletBob · 16/10/2023 12:15

So you don't trust your brother, think he will end up in debt again and feel that you'll be expected to bail him out...why? You don't even know why the debt came about and you haven't been asked to help him. You're being very judgemental purely because you feel entitled to your parents' money. Presumably if things were different and it was you or your sister who were struggling instead, that's who they'd help. If you feel they generally favour your brother then that's a different issue, but you're making this all about the inheritance and money so I assume not.

I don't think it's being judgmental to recognise that some people, even if they're related to you, are completely feckless and will balls up pretty much everything where money is concerned. There are loads of issues with what they're doing, even though the dp are just trying to do what's best. They could find themselves homeless if it all goes wrong.

Dillane · 16/10/2023 13:35

paintingvenice · 16/10/2023 11:57

It’s not an inheritance unless someone has died. You all sound quite grabby, divvying up the spoils before they’ve even departed.

Don’t be ridiculous 🙄

BeverleyMacker · 16/10/2023 13:35

Very worrying. Sounds like your brother is always either making silly business decisions or has a gambling addiction.

GrumpyPanda · 16/10/2023 13:37

bigbish · 16/10/2023 13:12

I thought this too.

Show quote history

True dat. Sooo grabby of OP to have financially supported her ailing parent. Maybe RTFT?

Genevieva · 16/10/2023 13:38

Your parents are free to do this, but there are consequences ( like their relationship with your sister) that they should be mindful of. You might also point out that you and your sister supported them financially in the past and that this was on the understanding that they could therefore keep the equity in their house to pass on to you. However, they might say it was not their understanding. They might also point out that the money in the house would all eventually go on care homes fees if they stayed put. No inheritance is guaranteed. The bigger worry they should have (along with family harmony) is whether your brother really can provide the stable home they hope for. All sorts could happen. Their money might go into paying off his debts, the he gets into debt again (as you suggest). Or, if he and his wife divorce then his wife would get half of their money, leaving them potentially homeless. It might seem a remote possibility, but they need to maintain their own financial autonomy.

MargotBamborough · 16/10/2023 13:38

VWdieselnightmare · 16/10/2023 13:25

I'd say that £40k is a small price to pay for being able to hand over all responsibility for your parents to your brother and his wife. Your mum could go on for many more years.

As others have pointed out, what I'd be worrying about is when, having given your brother their savings and the equity in their home, your parents fall out with your DB and DSIL and turn to you or your DSis for support. In your shoes, I'd have a serious conversation with my parents asking them what plans they have for when things go wrong — which I bet they will.

They may assume that they'll get HA or council housing and benefits given their age/ health situation. But if they've given all their money to your DB it may be seen as deliberately divesting themselves of their assets and they may not get any help — in which case I imagine they'll expect you or your DSis to help out. So have that conversation with them now, and make it clear that if it all backfires you won't be picking up the pieces.

It's easy to say that now.

It'll be less easy to say in the future when her parents actually are facing homelessness.

Rosscameasdoody · 16/10/2023 13:41

MikeRafone · 16/10/2023 12:58

I stand back and let your younger brother look after your parents.

Deprivation of access, thats dubious as the parent is already sick and selling up to move in with the brother so that they can be looked after. Could be speculated that changes had to be made - SIL gave up working full time to care etc so money had to be put into the mortgage. Deprivation of access is when you deliberately give away money without anything back but with the purpose of not paying your own care home fees.

OP Would you want your parents to move in with you? Would you want to look after your sick father?

Local authority won’t consider any of this. They will look at whether either parent had a reasonable expectation of care needs in the future, at the time they gave away the assets. Given that one parent is ill, this would seem to be likely, so they would conclude it’s been done deliberately to avoid care costs. They would then assess fees as though parents still owned the assets disposed of. Ironically, they would be better off staying in their own home, as LA cannot include the marital home as an asset if the other partner is still living in it.

StarlightLime · 16/10/2023 13:42

GrumpyPanda · 16/10/2023 13:37

True dat. Sooo grabby of OP to have financially supported her ailing parent. Maybe RTFT?

Show quote history

Well, she could consider that money a debt owing if she wants, I suppose?

Not an inheritance 🤷🏻‍♀️

AxolotlEars · 16/10/2023 13:43

I understand why you would be upset. As an aside, you can nearly always get out of debt. The tricky thing is here is you don't actually know whether they've really had advice, what it was and whether they have done the appropriate thing! Your parents could invest the money and if your brother still has a mortgage their investment may be at risk. You brother could make them homeless.
Then there's all the other issues people have raised. It's a minefield and you are right to be concerned for your parents about this arrangement without safeguards in place. If everyone is looking out for your parents nobody should throw a hissy fit about having them

RedLolly101 · 16/10/2023 13:44

I’d be more worried that your parents are being emotionally blackmailed by your brother into this ridiculous situation, especially as they are cagey about the reasons behind it all.

So many potential pitfalls inc. them being left homeless if the brother and his wife split up. Could you persuade your mum to seek independent legal advice before they do this?

My granddad signed his house and business over to his son-in-law (my horrible Uncle) with the proviso that he and grandma could continue living in the house until they died. Yep, son-in-law sold the house and business within a few years and the grandparents had to move to a council flat. This was back in the 80’s when council properties were more abundant, so goodness knows where they’d end up nowadays. Poor grandad died soon afterwards as he was a broken man and grandma died less than a year later. 🙁

saraclara · 16/10/2023 13:45

Basically you tell your parents to get legal advice. And you tell them that if they go ahead and it goes wrong, you WILL NOT be bailing them out of it.

Spell out that it will be down to them to sort out where and how they live if it goes pear shaped, because you will not be taking them in or subsidising them in any way.

My sister doesn't have a very good relationship with parents anyway and this is just the cherry on top of the cake!

If she doesn't have a good relationship, presumably she's grateful that she has no obligation to look after them, and that (for now at least) it's someone else's problem?

Honestly? I'd be relieved that it wasn't me, not give a stuff about the money. My £500,000 'inheritance' has all gone to my mum's care...and out of the other three parents/inlaws, not a single one died with any money left for us to inherit, as it all went to care of one kind or another. So I'm not sure why you feel confident to call your parents' capital your inheritance.

CaramelMac · 16/10/2023 13:46

It’s not an inheritance until they’re dead, until then it’s their money to spend as they choose.