Inheritance going to 1 adult sibling

[Gafan]

I just wanted some advice from people who are not close to the situation to get perspective.
I am eldest of 3 siblings in our late 30s/40s .
My parents don't have very much money but have some in the house. Short story dad has a limited illness and mum has decided that she is too old for full time work as has been breadwinner for 20 years and has worked very hard.
Youngest sibling has wife 3 kids and got himself into lots of debt and basically can't get out of it . Unsure of the reason as parents are being coy about it however they have 3 kids under 4. My brother has had some issues with his own business and some mental health around that.
Therefore parents have decided to move in with my brother and family and the money that would have been split 3 ways from house they are giving it all to him to get him out of the debt.
Myself and sister are comfortable sister is very comfortable however I don't have 40k kicking around!!
So my point is are myself and sister in the wrong to be p....d that my parents have done this? Brother has not got in touch either.
My sister doesn't have a very good relationship with parents anyway and this is just the cherry on top of the cake! I think there relationship will be almost over. I am really unhappy because it's going to divide us as a family. I don't trust my brother that he will do it again and then there all screwed and will expect us to bail them out.
Also my dad was very poorly when first diagnosed and both myself and sister financed them with no payback ( didn't want it) brother was only teens so couldn't help.

Any advice would be helpful

Your parents have found an arrangement that suits them, they get to financially help your brother while his family helps taking care of them. Looks like a win win situation for everyone and it's perfectly understandable they would spend their hard earned with your brothers family. They're not deceased but pretty alive n kicking, and it's their money so they can do with it whatever suits them. You sound a bit money grubbing OP.

Isn't it a bit like selling up and going into a nursing home?
Oh, and the parents sadly don't last 7 years, the son
will have to pay inheritance tax...

At this point you just need to stand back, be calm and encourage your parents to seek legal advice, a decent solicitor should explain all the potential pitfalls after which they may come to their senses!!

Why should you be entitled to your parents money? It's up to them how they see fit whom to give it to.

My main worry would be that once his initial problem is sorted out thanks to this money, he can change his mind at any time about your parents living with him. Full time care of the ill and elderly can be much harder work than many people realise, and if they are living there with him and his wife then they wont get much (if any) outside assistance such as carers etc unless they pay privately, which they cant do as they have given him all their money.

I would also worry that your brother has manipulated them into doing this, and therefore doesnt show that he has much in the way of scruples.

It really would worry me that they could end up homeless (and living with you) once he has spent all of their money.

I think they would do well to take some independent legal advice and to look at the implications of living with feckless idiots.

It doesn't sound like their estates are going to be enough to incur IHT, which is one blessing.

Oh god everyone will be ‘their money, their choice’, but not discussing this and effectively supporting one child above others will always cause hurt. Love to see how all these people posting would feel if they were cut out.

Don’t expect any inheritance. What if a parent needs to go into a care home? My mother is forever saying it’s 50/50 for me and my brother and I keep reminding her to spend her money and then think about care homes! I live 5 hours away, my db is abroad, she’d have to go into a home.

It’s very hard on you and your sister. But ultimately, your parents are alive and in sound mind so it’s up to them how they spend they money and who they leave it to in their will.

You aren't entitled to an inheritance though. They can do whatever they want with their money even if it is unwise. Leave them to it. Set your own boundaries. I'm assuming that your brother and sister in law will be doing the bulk of their care so leave them to it. Extend whatever help you can give without feeling resentful, so if that's calling regularly to speak to them or regular visits or sending a care package now and again. Do not over extend yourself and make it clear to your parents that you won't be bailing anyone out financially.

Living with and caring for elderly parents can be hell. By the time this money actually becomes an inheritance, your brother and family may well have earned it many times over. There are always strings attached to this kind of thing (I speak from experience).

As well as worrying about who gets your parents money are you and your sister also fighting over who has your parents live with them? Are you jealous that your brother gets to have your parents live with them too? If not (which I suspect), then you are extremely grabby and your parents are doing the right thing.

if they didnt move in with him then they likely would end up selling house to pay for nursing home fee's anyway - so either way the money would be gone and no inheritance left

@VWdieselnightmare

I'd say that £40k is a small price to pay for being able to hand over all responsibility for your parents to your brother and his wife. Your mum could go on for many more years.

Good grief, how glad am I that I am not your parent. Have you, or are you, planning to just chuck a wad of money at someone to absolve yourself of all responsibility of the care of your seniors if/when the time comes?

Firstly - it’s your parents money for them to do what they like with. If they left it all to a cats home upon their death, that would be their own wish

However - what I will say is living with an elderly/infirm relative is not without its major issues. We had my grandad living with my mum for around 10 years and it was really hard. Similar situation - she took the money from the sale of his house but she was an only child. She regretted it massively - he would have been far better in a home and it also impacted hugely on my mum and dads relationship too.

There's one post by OP. Hardly a RTFT situation.

OP and sister financially helped parents when health issues occurred 15+ years ago (brother was a teenager). That's what families should do, those who can give support to those who need it. In a healthy relationship it's not all kept on record on a balance sheet. Yes, lots of people feel jealous and treated unfairly but it often looks different from the other side.

Obviously you are being “cut out of their will” for want of a better phrase, basically they have all but disowned you imho.

However, your parents need legal advice before they do this.

What will happen when your father needs to go into a home but the council won’t pay for it due to him having given all his wealth away? What will happen is that the council will put a charge on your brothers house and he’ll be back in debt but likely for a much larger amount of money. The council can go back decades to check the finances and where the family wealth has gone, and they do.

I would tell them this quite matter of factly and then go NC.

Obviously you are being “cut out of their will” for want of a better phrase, basically they have all but disowned you imho
Oh, get a bloody grip 🤣

Your parents need to get legal advice and protect whatever sum they put into your brother and DIL house. But other than that I’d leave them to it but I’d certainly not be bailing anyone out of any future financial mess

I would not have my in laws move in and live in my house permanently for a million pounds nevermind £40,000. Your sibling and his wife are doing your parents a huge favour. You are not at a disadvantage here.

Of course it is very hurtful but you will have to accept it.

In your place I would drop your parents a letter, advising them to get legal advice as there are pitfalls including future homelessness, if things go wrong for them.
Keep a copy of it.

Giving everything to the favoured son is a very familiar story that I have come across over the years, be it the farm or a valuable house on a large plot.

It has NEVER ended well for the parents.

Their daughters stepped away and there was huge bad feeling.

In one case the son sold up after years of free childcare and moved far away.
His sisters never forgave their parents and have remained estranged to this day.

The other case that comes to mind was a sister who was promised a site on the farm her brother was gifted in its entirety, only to be asked for money for it.
She moved 30 minutes away and her parents were deprived of any meaningful involvement in their ONLY grandchildrens lives.

It is about so much more than money, it is about fairness.

I find posters calling the OP's in this situation grabby, extremely obtuse.

To effectively be disinherited by your parents, in favour of a sibling is painful, irrespective of the amount involved.

Your parents are likely to deeply regret their trusting your brother to do the right thing long term.

Lots of people on this thread seem lucky enough to not have “that sibling” or know some like that. Who lives being bailed out, who next plan is the big one. This is nothing more than a good idea without the realisation of exactly what they are signing up for. It also doesn’t take long for the elderly parents to become resentful at the reality of sharing your home. They are in debt without the looking after elderly parents. As for it not being the OPs problem if it goes wrong, that is so easier said than done. “Told you so” doesn’t really help when left picking up the pieces.

I don't expect any inheritance. I don't need it financially and have told my parents many times they should spend everything while they can and enjoy themselves.
But if they left everything to my sibling and nothing to me I would be devastated. Not because I want or need the money, but because it would be obvious they cared more about them than me.

You're absolutely right that it's easier said than done. But as this brother sounds like a bit of a disaster, and nothing OP has said suggests she's going to be able to prevent this from happening, it may simply be a situation where all she can do is work on her boundaries and start planning her excuses for not helping now.