Inheritance going to 1 adult sibling

[Gafan]

I just wanted some advice from people who are not close to the situation to get perspective.
I am eldest of 3 siblings in our late 30s/40s .
My parents don't have very much money but have some in the house. Short story dad has a limited illness and mum has decided that she is too old for full time work as has been breadwinner for 20 years and has worked very hard.
Youngest sibling has wife 3 kids and got himself into lots of debt and basically can't get out of it . Unsure of the reason as parents are being coy about it however they have 3 kids under 4. My brother has had some issues with his own business and some mental health around that.
Therefore parents have decided to move in with my brother and family and the money that would have been split 3 ways from house they are giving it all to him to get him out of the debt.
Myself and sister are comfortable sister is very comfortable however I don't have 40k kicking around!!
So my point is are myself and sister in the wrong to be p....d that my parents have done this? Brother has not got in touch either.
My sister doesn't have a very good relationship with parents anyway and this is just the cherry on top of the cake! I think there relationship will be almost over. I am really unhappy because it's going to divide us as a family. I don't trust my brother that he will do it again and then there all screwed and will expect us to bail them out.
Also my dad was very poorly when first diagnosed and both myself and sister financed them with no payback ( didn't want it) brother was only teens so couldn't help.

Any advice would be helpful

Afraid this would be the end for me, I get that they want to support their child, but they have three, all of whom made different life choices, and yet they bail out the one who made poor choices

I would simply point out to the how upset I am that they feel that they are right to give preferential treatment to one child and not the others, particularly as you and your sister have helped them out in the past, but you also accept it’s their choice to do this

however they also need to understand that now all responsibility for them will fall to your brother, so they needed bother contacting you for anything

Sometimes there is a good reason for not wanting to leave your money to your kids though (or support your parents in their old age) and the system is kind of too rigid for that.

MikeRafone
I stand back and let your younger brother look after your parents

And what if he turns round and says he isn’t going to as he has had the house repossessed and they have run out of money/out lived their usefulness he can’t find a suitable house for the children his wife and his parents.

He is probably counting on op riding to the rescue when they get to need actual work to look after them.

I doubt he has even considered what the money is supposed to be for and the work at a later date that will be needed to be put in.

I don’t know him but I can hazard a guess he thinks when the going gets a bit tougher his siblings will come and take over

In your parents shoes I would not be leaving myself so vulnerable

It's not an inheritance as no one has died. Your parents are likely worried about your brother and as it sounds as though he's in a mess (even if of his own making). I understand you feeling slighted, but don't frame it as inheritance, see it for what it is. Worried parents desperate to help a child who has messed up.

If your parents are going to live with your brother then he is providing something at least.

Mil and fil made a point of saying that their wills left everything to both their dc. Split exactly 50/50 because some of their friends had parents who didn’t do this and without exception the families were fractured. Not because they didn’t inherit a bundle of cash but more for that feeling their parents didn’t consider or think of all their dc. Even just a memento to acknowledge them as being part of their family.

I told dh to not believe what they said but he refused to believe me

Fil was the sole inheritor of his own parents estate which included the family business, house cars and factories. Solely because he was the sole male child.

According to FIL, his 2 elder sisters had ridiculous ideas about taking what the factory their parents had started which produced (in its utilitarian form something that was quickly becoming obsolete) and with a few adjustments coming up with something that fil could never see selling. (I think it would have been a global brand now)
Instead they had to watch their brother who hadn’t had an original idea in his life, run the place down and then close the factory gates.

So when in laws started saying what was going to happen with their wills I commented that I didn’t believe them and pointed to what had happened with fils family.

Turns out I knew in laws better than in-laws knew themselves
Fil died a few years ago and mil died last year
Everything was left to bil.

Hi
Only just managed to get on the post and was gobsmacked that I had so many replies!!
To clarify things my parents are not elderly they are only 60s had us all very young.
When I say inheritance this is there word not mine as like alot of you said they have not died. They have said that once the house was sold they would come out with about £100k to go 3 ways but now they are putting money into his debt and renovation to brothers house to make them a studio place so it's not 40k total it would have been each.
Also it's not about the money it's more that they have chosen unwisely as I don't think they will look after parents it will be me .
They have not had to financially help myself or my sister as she's very comfortable and I would not ask for it
I have advised them to put something in writing but they won't as they believe family are trustworthy etc and my brother would not take advantage.
Also other family relatives who are aware of situation all agree that it's a bad idea and my brother isn't very reliable and will feel like won the lottery.

@Gafan I would talk to them again using the phrase "deliberate deprivation of assets".

"Mum, Dad, do you know what deliberate deprivation of assets is? It's when someone who might need care in the future gets rid of the things they own, and then a few years down the line they need care and they can't afford to pay for it because they no longer have any money. In this situation, if you needed care, the local authority would look at the fact that you sold your house and gave all the money to DB, and they would think you had done it deliberately, and they would assess you as though you still had that money. How would you pay for your care in that situation? Where would the money come from? Would you be looking to me and DSis to pay for it? Because DB wouldnt have the money anymore, he'd have spent it. You'd be much better off if you still owned your house because they can't force you to sell your house to pay for one person's care if their spouse is still living in it."

I'd also ask them what their plan is if DB and DSIL get divorced and the court lets DSIL stay in the house with the kids. Where will they live if DB is forced to leave the house?

Is there actually a physical will in place which you have seen that states your parents intentions. If not then it get spilt 3 ways regardless of verbal intention. Has it been updated to reflect their latest decision? If there is an updated will then perhaps try explaining that it could cause divisions if DPs decide to give it all to one sibling.

Your not being unreasonable, I get it, its normal to feel psddd about it... But, the best way to look at it is.. you can't miss what you don't have. My dad passed away 10 years ago and left myself and my little 1 a generous figure of cash. He didn't do a will and everything was in a safe. I was his main carer next of kin ect. But my greedy uncle pocketed the full amount of cash from the safe and cleared his house out 2 days after he passed away. I refused to let it get the better of me. That anger would have ate me up. That's where I had to adopt the attitude of You can't miss what you don't have. Please just enjoy the time you have left with your parents. Save up book a holiday and let them all do their own thing. Trust me the rewards reap for you when you move with gratitude for everything.. we can't control selfish greedy folk but we can control our ourselves. X

Agree with you

A will can be changed at any time so it's kind of irrelevant until the person is actually dead (or has lost mental capacity and isn't competent to change their will anymore).

Ah this is a hard one. I understand definitely why your ticked off. I think I would feel that way too in part. But it is a very different situation than your parents passing away and then leaving your brother solely all their worldly goods. They are still very much alive and think they have struck a deal with your brother to in their mind make all their lives better.

It is your parents money and in today's terms it doesn't sound like there's much of it for a lifetimes work. I am trying to put myself in their shoes and they see you and you're sister secure and successful. Then they see your brother currently at risk of loosing everything and their young grandchildren at risk of being homeless. Also if your sibling is going to house your dad and mum; and support your parents in old age; then it sounds like they may well earn that money. Maybe your parents thought two birds one stone. They'll spend the money on your brother's situation and in return they are committing to supporting them for the rest of their days. Your brother is probably getting childcare from your mum as part of the bargain too. Maybe your SIL is planning on returning to work to stabilise their finances?

Whilst I empathise with your feelings; I think once you take that all into account your brother probably doesn't have a great deal...it's hard living with your parents again and isn't worth 100k to do that for the rest of their days 😳

I would actually take this from a completely different angle. My one concern is actually your parents. They may have many years left yet and what if they fall out with your brother and his wife, your brother and his wife split or your father needs substantial care in time to come. They will have no means of their own and could potentially find herself homeless without their lives savings/ no house 😢. I would discuss your concerns with your parents or one parent (if one is more open than the other) about these worries 👍. And whilst I don't think you should say this with malice; I think you should let them know that you would not be prepared to bail them out financially if it all went wrong. I would personally say that whilst you are their son and nothing will change that; you do not agree with what they are doing; as they are placing all their financial eggs in an unstable financial basket 🙈

Good luck 🤞🍀

Did you not report your uncle to the police for theft?

No, quite a few family members advised me to do so, but it was all in cash so I had absolutely no proof of anything other than my word. He also took medication (morphine) tablet form that I was supposed to take back to the chemist to be disposed of. He ended up with a really bad kidney infection and hospitalised and eventually passed away, I suppose his karma came back for him x

I wouldn't mention "inheritance" to them, but if you do want to bring it up, OP, you could say, "Your money is obviously yours to do what you like with but DSis and I are worried that you selling your home and giving all your money to DB is actually going to cost us money. Not in terms of us not getting a share, but because if you need care at any point or the arrangement doesn't work out for whatever reason you will expect DSis and I to step up. If you need care the Local Authority will treat you as though you still have £100,000 in your bank account when you don't. If you need housing there is a long, long list of people who will be ahead of you in the queue, many of them young families with children. DSis and I are really not happy about you potentially putting yourselves in a situation where you end up homeless and penniless and we either have to say you're not our problem or bail you out ourselves. Because DB won't be able to. The money will be long gone."

Oh I would have reported him anyway. What a shit.

It's quite difficult to hide large amounts of cash so if the police had found it in his home or it had recently been deposited into his bank account he'd have had to explain where he got it from.

I also find it very distasteful that you refer to an inheritance in your thread title. When my parents were alive, they helped my sister financially and not me, I was glad that I didn’t need their financial help and did not resent the help they gave her.

In this case though, it sounds like it is potentially a mutually beneficial arrangement. Although that is on paper, the reality has disaster written all over it.

So he's getting 40k to provide them with housing and care until they die? Seems reasonable. Have you asked them to move in with you instead and find a different solution?

YANBU. He’s being rewarded for making financially poor decisions and if your parents bail him out even once he’ll likely expect them to do it again - even if they don’t have the money.

I hate seeing things like this. Money isn’t important but feeling like parents don’t play favourites is and (however we look at it) inheritance is a big part of that

They can choose what to do with their own money and families have all sorts of arrangements. Some leave all their money to Dogs Trust and that's fine - it's their money. Some give proportionately more to the poorest family member, some split it equally.

They don't have to give you any money, and presumably brother is signing up for all necessary future geriatric care in this arrangement.

That's the conversation you need to have, but you have to accept their wishes for their money. It's not yours by right.

Her brother isn't signing up to anything. That's the point.

He can take the money, spend it on drugs and hookers if he wants to, and then turf her parents out onto the street and there will be NOTHING anyone can do about it.

Your are right to be concerned. I was 1 of 5 siblings brought up in care. We knew there was property, and other assets. We agreed among ourselves we would share equally. Now I know that it was his to bequeath. But.... he left it to two siblings and a small bequest to grandchildren school age, even giving the 2 siblings, 1 sm bequest and the other much more. It fractured what relationship my siblings and I had and we are now in our late 60's and 70's still wondering and hurt on why it had to be that way. I would advise asking gently and say how you feel about their decision. Make clear you understand the reasoning but are extremely hurt.

It is their money but to effectively cut out 2 kids in favour of 1 unless theres a bloody good reason, is a bit shit imo. Im the eldest of 6 and we all have varying degrees of cash/income and as exec of my parents will i know we will all have equal inheritance but those who owe parents now will have that deducted As a parent of 6 kids I cannot imagine favouring 1 over the others to that extent. Its probably more the parents thinking this is ok that hurts more than the loss of inheritance I think.

In this setting, I am more worried that they will lose all their assets. They are only 60ish. Brother and SIL could fall out with them and then where would that leave them? No house. Rentals incredibly high. Trying to get blood from a stone.
Trying to evict brother and family to force a sale to get a little of their money out? It seems to be a very risky thing to do. Have they talked to a solicitor about protecting themselves a little?

They need to visit a solicitor and sort out who will own what share of the house. It will protect everyone.

You are being very unreasonable to talk about your inheritance when your DM may have another 30 years to go.