To be pissed off at DH for agreeing to work away?

[Wellwellw]

I suspect I know the Mumsnet consensus before I even post and it is that I’m BU but I just can’t help being so annoyed.

Working away is not in any way a prerequisite of DH’s job, if it were I wouldn’t want to be married to him and certainly wouldn’t have had children with him. I know lots of people deal with it and are ok with it but it’s not for me at all. Mostly because I also work FT in a high stress job so parenting and running a household is very much a joint venture and not something I want to do alone.

He has the odd night away (talking 1-2 times a year max) because there’s an early morning meeting somewhere 4-5 hours away and that’s absolutely fine. I was also fine with this particular trip to begin with because it was supposed to be Wednesday morning- Friday evening. This meant that to fit around my working hours, FIL only had to step in to drop DC off at school/nursery on the Wednesday morning and collect them on the Thursday evening. Not an issue. I knew the Thursday would be stressful because I teach 11-5 and have an hour+ commute (usually longer in rush hour obviously) either way which takes it out of me. FIL also has a tendency to let DC run amok and trash the entire house so I knew I’d have to return to not only put DC to bed but also tidy their huge mess. It was a one off though so I was ok with it.

The trip then changed to Tuesday morning-Friday afternoon. His boss decided they should attend a separate meeting on the Tuesday afternoon as well. This added a lot more pressure because Tuesday is by far my longest day at work, I teach 9-5 pretty much solidly and I’m always utterly exhausted when I return home. This also meant FIL would have to step in to not only drop but also collect DC from school/nursery on this day. For reference, DC1 is in breakfast and after school club which starts 7:45 and ends 5:30pm and DC2 in nursery 8-6. Due to my long commute and most often added traffic, I can’t drop or collect them on the Tuesday at all meaning FIL would have to do both. As I say, he’d also no doubt let them trash the house again so by the time I got home after a very long day at work I’d be left picking up the pieces on top of bathing and putting two young DC to bed. Not fun.

It got worse when DH dropped the bombshell on Friday evening that his boss had booked the flights and they now wouldn’t be returning until Saturday afternoon. This added an extra dilemma of who would take DC1 to drama on Saturday morning because it’s too far away to drop him and return home so DH or I usually go with him and sit in the car for an hour until he’s done. DC2 will not sit in the car for an hour, he’s an incredibly active boy so I’d have to find something else to do with him in the area but it’s honestly in the middle of nowhere so no softplay etc around. Might just end up letting him loose in a field somewhere to pass the time…

On top of that, I was prepared for DH to return home Friday afternoon and it meant I could at least have a relaxing Friday evening. Instead, I’ll have to do dinner and bedtime alone again on Friday and then get them up the next day to get DC1 to drama. It’s just not great really and I’m super pissed off. I barely spoke to him on Friday night and most of Saturday because I was just seething. I know it’s a work trip so not something he’s doing for fun but I think it’s the fact a 2 day trip has somehow transformed into 5 days and I wasn’t prepared for that.

Actually I don't think you are being unreasonable. It wouldn't hurt for dh to say to his boss I can attend from wed-fri but no longer as my family need me. It also would hurt for him to ask his dad to make sure the house is tidy when you come home.

Book yourself a full Spa day on Sunday... actually a hotel sat night and then the spa on Sunday. ;)

Not speaking to him over something he has no control over is out of order!

You don't seem particularly grateful to your FIL either

It's not ideal but it's happening. There's
Solutions ( your fil)

I'd ditch going to drama on the sat

I think YABU but I say that as someone who is a single parent of 3 who juggles everything alone all the time so my opinion possibly isn’t relevant.

How has this extension to Saturday morning magically happened? I am assuming that Saturday is not one of your DH’s work days. If I was going on a work trip and had commitments at the weekend I would say, sorry but Saturday is a non working day and I have commitments at home so we have to fly home on Friday as originally planned. Did DH just sit there and let them book it? Is he getting time off in lieu?

Also, what are DH and his boss doing on Friday night that means they couldn’t fly back on Friday? Seeing clients? Going out for a nice relaxing dinner on expenses is my bet.

So YANBU. I am afraid I think your DH fancied a few days away and a nice Friday night off instead of getting back to take the load off you.

That doesn't help the situation she's in. Why the point scoring?

It sounds as though it will be a difficult week but it's a situation your husband hasn't got control over.

not speaking to your husband for 2 days because he is going on a 4 night work trip is pretty unreasonable yes.

Not ungrateful to FIL at all. I just wanted to point out that it isn’t like I’ll return home from work as I would when DH is home to a reasonably tidy existence, DC ready for bed etc. I wouldn’t expect FIL to get them ready for bed or indeed to tidy up after them so it’s just an additional stress.

Did speak to him, I was just a cold because the 2 day trip somehow transformed into five and I wasn’t expecting that.

DH said his boss had booked the flights without asking DH if that was ok so he didn’t have any say in it. There’s a meeting on Friday that finishes at 2pm and the flight home would have got them home late on Friday so the boss said it made more sense to come back Saturday.

It's life though, it sometimes throws this at us

My dad was routinely away for 2-6 months at a time and could have as little as half a day's notice. He ended up on an outside contract but when he started it was as a good will gesture.
My mum works long shifts as a nurse and with shift work and no money they survived solely on the kindness of friends and family.
It sounds annoying and frustrating. I do get that but it doesn't sound like the matter is within your partner's control. I would cut him a bit of slack but definitely get that relaxing Friday evening on the calendar in permanent marker for the following week.

Is it just a one off or a regular thing?

If it's just a one off then you just need to suck it up. If it's a regular thing then a conversations needs to be had about how it will work going forward.

When me and DH met neither of us had jobs where we had to travel but that has changed. We just deal with it the best we can.

I think yabu.

These things happen.

It's not unreasonable to be expected to parent alone for a few days. I'm sure you'll manage.

Shit happens. My Dh was in a job with no travel. Then he had to go to Italy for a week.

l was a teacher at the time. The house was a tip. We ate takeaways but we survived.

I’d suck it up if it is occasional. It is work after all, he’s not off on a jolly with his mates (although I think a jolly occasionally is fine too, however, I’d expect more consultation and input into the planning for a social trip to try and minimise the disruption).

Sounds like it's a one off. I think you're being unreasonable sorry.
Cancel Drama, if it's even on over half term. Have a Mcdonald's drive thru on the Friday night and if you're barely at home then it doesn't matter if the house is a bit of a state for an hour or two. Your bedroom won't be so I'd retreat up there and watch Netflix.
Also people's jobs change. Working away for 4-5 nights as a one off isn't ideal but it certainly isn't worth all the foot stomping and "I wouldn't have married or had kids with him" nonsense.

Of course it's annoying for you, it's fine for you to feel like it's a PITA. But bloody hell. Imagine if you were called to work, something you had absolutely no control over, and were then punished by your husband by being silent and cold. This is really horrible behaviour and I really feel for him.

Since it's not a regular occurrence, it seems a slight overreaction. Your Fil is able to support so you are not left to juggle everything alone and not speaking to your partner because of something he has little control over is entirely unreasonable. A far better approach would be to communicate with your FIL and ask him to possibly help you with light cleaning while he is looking after the kids. I am sure he is more than capable of that (but not so much reading your mind, perhaps).
I appreciate it is annoying to have plans change at a short notice but it's not the end of the world.

This.

I have to travel for work regularly, sometimes for 3/4 nights at a time. I have children and stepchildren and my husband has to pick up the slack - which sometimes means arranging extra childcare or having to juggle a lot of different things.

It's just life. If he didn't talk to me because of this, I'd divorce him for being a twat.

It sounds like you have a very normal life. You speak like no one else has ever had to juggle school runs and work before!!! Life is busy, and it's not like he's having to do this every week like some families. It's a one off. Suck it up and get a lie in on Sunday when he's back to make up for it. Although surely once the kids are in bed every evening is yours to chill anyway!

As for the drama class, take the wee one, and find a playground for half an hour to pass the time, or take an iPad.and some snacks. Not ideal but fine on this one occasion.

Your 'awful week" sounds like every day for me and my friends/family who's husband's work full time hours and can't help with the school runs and ferrying the kids around. I do think you need to get a grip to be honest.

Honestly, this is annoying but not a massive deal. If he was suddenly switching roles to do this every week by all means be pissed off. But it is not a regular occurrence by the sounds of things.

This.

Yanbu to be annoyed at the extension, but as its only the first time this has happened, and it's for work, I think it's just a "suck it up" situation.

Your dh is home Tuesday evening yes? So he can deal with the carnage from FIL letting the boys trash the place.

Nope, I think YANBU and I don't blame you for being pissed off. For a start, his boss might think its "easier" to come back Saturday afternoon, but your DH should have put his big boy pants on and said, "actually, no, I really need to be home by Friday night, even if it's late, as I have commitments on Saturday."

Also, in our house, when one of us has to travel, there's a discussion about what will be happening and how we will be managing the responsibilities etc. And that might impact the decisions made. Even if one of us then lands up having to do more because it's decided the trip is non negotiable, it's not just announced as a fait accompli. So he's being very disrespectful to you on that too.

At a practical level I would suggest he ask his boss to please change his flight to Friday. Between you, agree what else is possible to make things easier and accept that both of you will probably have to pick up some additional tidying/sorting on Saturday when he's back.