To be pissed off at DH for agreeing to work away?

[Wellwellw]

I suspect I know the Mumsnet consensus before I even post and it is that I’m BU but I just can’t help being so annoyed.

Working away is not in any way a prerequisite of DH’s job, if it were I wouldn’t want to be married to him and certainly wouldn’t have had children with him. I know lots of people deal with it and are ok with it but it’s not for me at all. Mostly because I also work FT in a high stress job so parenting and running a household is very much a joint venture and not something I want to do alone.

He has the odd night away (talking 1-2 times a year max) because there’s an early morning meeting somewhere 4-5 hours away and that’s absolutely fine. I was also fine with this particular trip to begin with because it was supposed to be Wednesday morning- Friday evening. This meant that to fit around my working hours, FIL only had to step in to drop DC off at school/nursery on the Wednesday morning and collect them on the Thursday evening. Not an issue. I knew the Thursday would be stressful because I teach 11-5 and have an hour+ commute (usually longer in rush hour obviously) either way which takes it out of me. FIL also has a tendency to let DC run amok and trash the entire house so I knew I’d have to return to not only put DC to bed but also tidy their huge mess. It was a one off though so I was ok with it.

The trip then changed to Tuesday morning-Friday afternoon. His boss decided they should attend a separate meeting on the Tuesday afternoon as well. This added a lot more pressure because Tuesday is by far my longest day at work, I teach 9-5 pretty much solidly and I’m always utterly exhausted when I return home. This also meant FIL would have to step in to not only drop but also collect DC from school/nursery on this day. For reference, DC1 is in breakfast and after school club which starts 7:45 and ends 5:30pm and DC2 in nursery 8-6. Due to my long commute and most often added traffic, I can’t drop or collect them on the Tuesday at all meaning FIL would have to do both. As I say, he’d also no doubt let them trash the house again so by the time I got home after a very long day at work I’d be left picking up the pieces on top of bathing and putting two young DC to bed. Not fun.

It got worse when DH dropped the bombshell on Friday evening that his boss had booked the flights and they now wouldn’t be returning until Saturday afternoon. This added an extra dilemma of who would take DC1 to drama on Saturday morning because it’s too far away to drop him and return home so DH or I usually go with him and sit in the car for an hour until he’s done. DC2 will not sit in the car for an hour, he’s an incredibly active boy so I’d have to find something else to do with him in the area but it’s honestly in the middle of nowhere so no softplay etc around. Might just end up letting him loose in a field somewhere to pass the time…

On top of that, I was prepared for DH to return home Friday afternoon and it meant I could at least have a relaxing Friday evening. Instead, I’ll have to do dinner and bedtime alone again on Friday and then get them up the next day to get DC1 to drama. It’s just not great really and I’m super pissed off. I barely spoke to him on Friday night and most of Saturday because I was just seething. I know it’s a work trip so not something he’s doing for fun but I think it’s the fact a 2 day trip has somehow transformed into 5 days and I wasn’t prepared for that.

🤣🤣🤣

I don't think it's a jolly. You think it's OK for people to be prepared for last minute extension to a business trip into the weekend at their boss's whim?

Sometimes life throws curve balls. This is work so you both need to suck it up. No drama on Saturday, if the house is a bit messy so be it - get through it, and regroup when DH gets back. No biggie as a one off.

Oh gosh

I remember those days when they are tiny, and it’s so tough to get through on your own.

I do think your husband could have said to his boss - “no, that doesn’t work for me” as essentially his boss had taken up his time outside of working hours. Not sure that’s even allowed without asking the employee, although may depend on his contract.

I wouldn’t personally go for silent treatment as it achieves nothing, but would speak to him about asking his boss to change the booking.

If he can’t move it this time, I would just strip out anything not completely necessary whilst he’s away, not worry about housework, do a really simple dinner etc. And yes just let DC2 loose in a field (assuming no wildlife)

Agree, working day usually 11-5 with the horrors of a long day being 9-5?!

Yeah, that’ll make it all better won’t it ?

I don't think it's a jolly. You think it's OK for people to be prepared for last minute extension to a business trip into the weekend at their boss's whim?

It's a one off...jeez the drama on here is unreal!

I don't think it's dh fault but the boss... How could he just decide when they were coming back? That's not his decision. Meetings finishing at 2pm leaves plenty of time to get back from most places!

Anyway, I would drop drama, warn dh you're having Sunday off and then be nice to him for the rest of the week.

I do as your boss usually has the power to sack you, withhold a pay raise, demote or pass you over for promotion. A good boss would not do this on retaliation, but I haven’t had many good bosses.

Be nice to him for the rest of the week?

Can't she just 'be nice' at all times like most people are to their OH?

Agree. I would be saying LTB if he can't even parent his own children for part of one week.

You are overreacting to this but it sounds like you run your life on very tight margins (understandable when you both work FT) and so you get very stressed when something throws the routine off. But things will throw it off, because that’s life.

Try and reframe it in your head - it’s going to be a crazy week, takeaways for tea, and a messy house and you’ll be tired but it actually doesn’t matter in the long run, does it? It’s five days out of your life.

So, if your DH or your FIL was not around it would have been fine for you to say you were unable to work on Saturday i.e not the same situation as the OP (who says her DH did not have a choice).

If this is your set up and it works for you, then that's great, but surely you must see that this wouldn't work for everyone, and this is why we have contracts.

I'd be more pissed off at his boss, how dare he assume that it's better for your husband to be away from home an extra night, outside of the normal working week.

First I'd get your husband to speak to his boss about flights. Tell him it doesn't work. Some companies book business fights on a more flexible basis than personal flights so he might actually be able to change. If he doesn't tell his boss that he has childcare responsibilities outside work and it's hard for him to be away from home then his boss will continue to think it's not an issue.

I'd also be talking to your husband about the support you need when he is back. Lie ins and chores etc thar would normally get done in the week will be left and some time for yourself etc.

I feel your pain, my husband travels and we are so busy normally that it just abut works, but when he is away I find it so intense I'm absolutely exhausted physically (never seem to get to bed before midnight as doing his jobs and mine) and mentally. But he is really good at doing more than his share when he is home so I can catch up on rest etc. However being cold towards him won't solve anything

I get it, but I think you're being a teeny bit unreasonable. DH has worked for the same company for over a decade, but in that time gone from being a junior role with no travel to a very senior role with lots of travel. So I get how frustrating it is.

That being said, I don't think it's the end of the world if it's a one off. Why do you need to tidy the house each evening if you're out all day the next day. Leave it until DH is back! Just focus on things that have to be done like the washing up and leave the clutter. I think you will need to lower your standards for a few days.

I think you're being a bit harsh to your DH. These things happen occasionally.

When my DH goes away I get in some nice ready meals from M&S so it's one less thing to think about. Just an idea!

You can't help being annoyed but you can choose not to seethe and give your DH the silent treatment - it sounds like DS1 isn't the only one in the family with a dramatic interest. Life and jobs change, often outwith our control. Perhaps your DH could ask to have his flight changed to Friday but he still wouldn't be home in time to help you have a relaxed evening, surely? Perhaps some of your anger is because you don't like not being in control?

It's great your FiL can help out. Make life as easy as you can re meals etc.

So a one-off work requirement to be away for 5 days results in your being cold and not speaking to your OH; and you wouldn't have even married him / had children with him had you known he'd have to work away from home at some point? He should definitely pack in his job and become a house-husband, leaving you to earn all the money and pay all the bills. Or you could be reasonable and suck it up as he would have to do if the circumstances were reversed.

You'd think, but Where's the drama and angst in that these days for some!
I'm still not speaking to DH for answering the phone to his grandma in 2012 following advice here...😉😆

I kinda agree with this.

The Tuesday is kinda unavoidable as it is to be there for a meeting.

The coming back Saturday is annoying and I’d probably put pressure on DH to find out why? It may be the flight is cheaper etc. most companies work on budgets for expenses etc. (but the cost of another night in a hotel you’d think would be experience too!) I’m assuming Saturday is not a working day for your DH so he should be enquiring why this is and I’d expect him to be able to take the time back in the week to help with childcare or household tasks.

Also how much on good terms is he with his boss? It can be really hard to stand up for things when your boss is of a certain character.

I think your FIL letting the kids mess up the house isn’t really that fair to say as he is helping out a lot already. You just have different standards and isn’t really the problem here.

So, if your DH or your FIL was not around it would have been fine for you to say you were unable to work on Saturday i.e not the same situation as the OP (who says her DH did not have a choice).

Well, it's an event that is linked to my KPIs so really I feel like i don't have a choice. And I (like the OPs DH) have childcare options. It's not like the OP doesn't have anyone who can help, she's just pissed off that her DH is working away. Which is unreasonable IMO

If this is your set up and it works for you, then that's great, but surely you must see that this wouldn't work for everyone, and this is why we have contracts.

No it wouldn't work for everyone but it clearly can work for the OP and and her DH. She just doesn't want it to. Practically they have childcare covered - yeah it will be a bit of a stressful week but it's ONE week!

I'd have more sympathy is childcare was genuinely an issue...but it isn't.

You wouldn't have married or had children with him over an extra 15 hours work absence?
If that's the case, you shouldn't have married or had children with him at all. Terrible attitude.

It's unreasonable of his boss to assume Saturday would be preferable and I do hope he is getting overtime/time in lieu if that's what happened. But if this was my DH who shares the load and there was an extra night on offer with career/social opportunities I'd tell him to take it, come back refreshed and make it up to me. And he would and would make sure I got a proper break after.

Skip drama if you like but the little one might enjoy charging around in a field. It doesn't matter if they don't eat amazingly or there's a bit of mess. It's a one off.

YABU - marriage/parenting is a team activity and it involves give and take. If he was extending his wild boys trip to Ibiza without consulting you it would have been a different story but it's work - I'm sure he's not thrilled about it either. What would he do for you if you were in the same position? My DH is away for a meeting at the moment and he asked to extend his trip for 24hrs so he can see some friends - absolutely fine with me, because I know the next time I want to go away for a birthday/trip/work he will happily hold the fort.
It's a bit of a pain to fly solo but do what you can to mitigate the annoyance... mcdonald's, ditch drama etc.

I'd be more pissed off at his boss, how dare he assume that it's better for your husband to be away from home an extra night, outside of the normal working week.

you really need to stop with the "normal working week".
Assuming the employee is not on minimum wage, most jobs do require a bit of flexibility.

When businesses pay for the work trips, which they really should do, don't get me wrong, when businesses pay they are not trying to over-spend and plan a jolly.

You don't know what the husband does, what the trip is about, why the flights end up on Saturday instead of original Friday.

They are not 5 years old, normal adults can be "away from home" without the drama of this thread.

To be fair I assume she means just the standing up and teaching part and her actual hours are longer and include all the prep/admin/emails/reports/marking/CPD/meetings and whatever else.