To be pissed off at DH for agreeing to work away?

[Wellwellw]

I suspect I know the Mumsnet consensus before I even post and it is that I’m BU but I just can’t help being so annoyed.

Working away is not in any way a prerequisite of DH’s job, if it were I wouldn’t want to be married to him and certainly wouldn’t have had children with him. I know lots of people deal with it and are ok with it but it’s not for me at all. Mostly because I also work FT in a high stress job so parenting and running a household is very much a joint venture and not something I want to do alone.

He has the odd night away (talking 1-2 times a year max) because there’s an early morning meeting somewhere 4-5 hours away and that’s absolutely fine. I was also fine with this particular trip to begin with because it was supposed to be Wednesday morning- Friday evening. This meant that to fit around my working hours, FIL only had to step in to drop DC off at school/nursery on the Wednesday morning and collect them on the Thursday evening. Not an issue. I knew the Thursday would be stressful because I teach 11-5 and have an hour+ commute (usually longer in rush hour obviously) either way which takes it out of me. FIL also has a tendency to let DC run amok and trash the entire house so I knew I’d have to return to not only put DC to bed but also tidy their huge mess. It was a one off though so I was ok with it.

The trip then changed to Tuesday morning-Friday afternoon. His boss decided they should attend a separate meeting on the Tuesday afternoon as well. This added a lot more pressure because Tuesday is by far my longest day at work, I teach 9-5 pretty much solidly and I’m always utterly exhausted when I return home. This also meant FIL would have to step in to not only drop but also collect DC from school/nursery on this day. For reference, DC1 is in breakfast and after school club which starts 7:45 and ends 5:30pm and DC2 in nursery 8-6. Due to my long commute and most often added traffic, I can’t drop or collect them on the Tuesday at all meaning FIL would have to do both. As I say, he’d also no doubt let them trash the house again so by the time I got home after a very long day at work I’d be left picking up the pieces on top of bathing and putting two young DC to bed. Not fun.

It got worse when DH dropped the bombshell on Friday evening that his boss had booked the flights and they now wouldn’t be returning until Saturday afternoon. This added an extra dilemma of who would take DC1 to drama on Saturday morning because it’s too far away to drop him and return home so DH or I usually go with him and sit in the car for an hour until he’s done. DC2 will not sit in the car for an hour, he’s an incredibly active boy so I’d have to find something else to do with him in the area but it’s honestly in the middle of nowhere so no softplay etc around. Might just end up letting him loose in a field somewhere to pass the time…

On top of that, I was prepared for DH to return home Friday afternoon and it meant I could at least have a relaxing Friday evening. Instead, I’ll have to do dinner and bedtime alone again on Friday and then get them up the next day to get DC1 to drama. It’s just not great really and I’m super pissed off. I barely spoke to him on Friday night and most of Saturday because I was just seething. I know it’s a work trip so not something he’s doing for fun but I think it’s the fact a 2 day trip has somehow transformed into 5 days and I wasn’t prepared for that.

I'm assuming due to "working" Saturday, your DH will be given a day off in lieu or paid overtime????

I'd be annoyed with the boss. I'm guessing he doesn't have kids, as booking a return flight on the weekend without asking is unprofessional and rude. He should be bending over backwards to compensate your DH for the inconvenience.

In the grand scheme of things this is a minor blip and not worth extending your annoyance any further

Shit happens, it is unusual and not a pattern, and I am very sure you will cope, hey, you might even enjoy some time with your children

I don't think Id be hurrying back to a sulky partner, your week sounds like most people's week.
An hour commute to work 6 hrs, help
from FIL, hardly down at the coalface.
I can see why so many marriages fail from what I read on MN, childish whiney behaviour, constant one up manship to who does what, just get on with it!

It Is what it is. I can completely see how this has happened from the work side.

I travel a bit for work - it is just part of occasional need of the role. And I am expected to do it.

You sound a bit unreasonable in that you are blaming your DH for something that really doesn’t seem extreme from a colleague’s point of view.

I feel sorry for your fil who HAS to pick up and look after YOUR children, have you considered he might be busy or might not want to as in your words your DS is full on. If going to drama club is too much like hard work don't go and then DD can help clear up the mess that has been made, obviously also making DS help.
Sometimes things happen and everyone has to be flexible, I'm sure your husband would rather not have to go to work and explain its causing drama at home.

Wow

This reads me me me

Your DH has no control over his work trip

Put on your big girl pants and ride it out, then have a day to yourself on Sunday

He was the best Contract Killer this side of Cairo though !

I think broadly speaking you’re not being unreasonable, but I don’t get the “silent” treatment approach at all.

I don't think your DC needs to go to drama. Enough drama at home innit

<sorry>

For a one off, you are being very dramatic. Your life doesn't sound much busier than most people I know, and normal for a family with children and two working parents. You're getting free childcare/help from FIL so sorry but suck up a bit of mess.

It’s one trip. My ex worked away for 3yrs. Now that was tough

Given that the FIL is stepping in when his own son is away with work, to help DH out, presumably the OP can assume both men are happy with the set up until told otherwise. It would be for the DH to worry about FIL.

Similarly, the FIL is not stepping in to "help the OP" - he is stepping in to plug the gap his own son is creating by being away.

If the FIL was unable or unwilling to help, it would be the DH who would have to sort an alternative as its him stepping away.

I'm hardly surprised DH is spending the extra night away.. get him some chill

The boss wants him to do it and the job obviously has to come first. You are already very lucky to have family help with childcare - what if you had to arrange extra time with a child minder? It's a couple of days, it's really not long.

You’re not being unreasonable but at the same time if it doesn’t happen often and it’s only a couple of times a year I’d let it go. You mention at the beginning how you wouldn’t of married or had children with DH if you knew he’d have to work away which is fair enough but he’s going away twice a year not every week.

I do think your partner could of said “actually I’d rather go home Friday than Saturday”

I think to give DH silent treatment and be seething with him over a work trip is too much. I would take a deep breathe and tell him you’re not happy but when he’s home you want a night away maybe a nice spa evening without the kids to relax.

Shit happens and there’s a solution in place that keeps everyone safe and the children cared for. Sometimes shit happens unpredictably and in a marriage you have to support each other - earlier this year I had a 4.5 month hospital admission and my husband just coped without ever once making me feel guilty though I bet it was a nightmare for him at times. I think it’s understandable that you’re not looking forward to it as it will be more tiring for you (I’d also not take DS to drama) - but I don’t think your DH deserves coldness and disapproval when he didn’t plan it like this.

It's not regular so .. sounds annoying but I'd probably just accept all the help you can, and make your life as easy as possible while he's away. Miss the Sat activity if it's a hassle, and do something with the kids together instead.

I can see from both sides tbh. I work in a job
Where my boss expects me to stay over on occasions, it's only a few times a year so it's a case of sucking it up. People would say how lucky I was to have the time away in a hotel but I hated it.

I also know how hard it is to solo parent children whilst working long hours. I don't think it will do you dh any harm to know how pissed off you are, it'll hopefully ensure he doesn't start to take the piss. But I also think you need to support him, it's not something he's put in place and if it's only a few times a year then I'd grin and bear it.

I also know how hard it is to solo parent children whilst working long hours.
6 hrs isn't long hours is it?
OP sounds like a whiney brat.

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill to be honest. We both work away periodically and it is stressful
for the other parent but you just suck It up and cut a few corners - takeaway one night, batch cook to take pressure off and I’d also ditch drama for one week.

Haha! He did actually work in Cairo for a bit!

Sadly less exciting... He was an electrician and installed textile machinery so went to all the wonderful places on your clothes labels.

For me it would be no biggie at all, I couldn't imagine seething at this. But I work 45 hours a week, DH on a night shift so solo parent each night apart from weekend and I cope fine with that, so maybe not the right person to comment.

This

Cope as best you can. Lots of people are single parents full time. Don't try to be a super woman if its beyond you.
Leave the mess and have film and wine om friday with the blinkers on to the mess.
Leave any mess until he arrives. Survive on wine and pizza.
Then have a JOINT tidy up and cook up when he arrives.
DH will get the message.

hey when you get home on friday evening just feed the kiddies, bathe and bed them and open a bottle of wine for yourself! your hubby can do the majority of the housework whenhe gets home!