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Original poster

To be pissed off at DH for agreeing to work away?

428 replies

Wellwellw · 16/10/2023 09:31

I suspect I know the Mumsnet consensus before I even post and it is that I’m BU but I just can’t help being so annoyed.

Working away is not in any way a prerequisite of DH’s job, if it were I wouldn’t want to be married to him and certainly wouldn’t have had children with him. I know lots of people deal with it and are ok with it but it’s not for me at all. Mostly because I also work FT in a high stress job so parenting and running a household is very much a joint venture and not something I want to do alone.

He has the odd night away (talking 1-2 times a year max) because there’s an early morning meeting somewhere 4-5 hours away and that’s absolutely fine. I was also fine with this particular trip to begin with because it was supposed to be Wednesday morning- Friday evening. This meant that to fit around my working hours, FIL only had to step in to drop DC off at school/nursery on the Wednesday morning and collect them on the Thursday evening. Not an issue. I knew the Thursday would be stressful because I teach 11-5 and have an hour+ commute (usually longer in rush hour obviously) either way which takes it out of me. FIL also has a tendency to let DC run amok and trash the entire house so I knew I’d have to return to not only put DC to bed but also tidy their huge mess. It was a one off though so I was ok with it.

The trip then changed to Tuesday morning-Friday afternoon. His boss decided they should attend a separate meeting on the Tuesday afternoon as well. This added a lot more pressure because Tuesday is by far my longest day at work, I teach 9-5 pretty much solidly and I’m always utterly exhausted when I return home. This also meant FIL would have to step in to not only drop but also collect DC from school/nursery on this day. For reference, DC1 is in breakfast and after school club which starts 7:45 and ends 5:30pm and DC2 in nursery 8-6. Due to my long commute and most often added traffic, I can’t drop or collect them on the Tuesday at all meaning FIL would have to do both. As I say, he’d also no doubt let them trash the house again so by the time I got home after a very long day at work I’d be left picking up the pieces on top of bathing and putting two young DC to bed. Not fun.

It got worse when DH dropped the bombshell on Friday evening that his boss had booked the flights and they now wouldn’t be returning until Saturday afternoon. This added an extra dilemma of who would take DC1 to drama on Saturday morning because it’s too far away to drop him and return home so DH or I usually go with him and sit in the car for an hour until he’s done. DC2 will not sit in the car for an hour, he’s an incredibly active boy so I’d have to find something else to do with him in the area but it’s honestly in the middle of nowhere so no softplay etc around. Might just end up letting him loose in a field somewhere to pass the time…

On top of that, I was prepared for DH to return home Friday afternoon and it meant I could at least have a relaxing Friday evening. Instead, I’ll have to do dinner and bedtime alone again on Friday and then get them up the next day to get DC1 to drama. It’s just not great really and I’m super pissed off. I barely spoke to him on Friday night and most of Saturday because I was just seething. I know it’s a work trip so not something he’s doing for fun but I think it’s the fact a 2 day trip has somehow transformed into 5 days and I wasn’t prepared for that.

OP posts:
GCSister · 18/10/2023 15:28

@Becomingolder i guess for me the tit for tat element is the intention. I never resent my DH for working away so don't feel I need to get something in return. But I guess we may have to agree to disagree.

As for why working away is hard, I guess that will depend on what you do while you work away. For me it involves long haul travel, often alone. Jet lag and navigating unfamiliar places ( such as China, Vietnam, India etc) is exhausting. My trips involve a lot of presentations and meeting people, so small talk with people who don't have English as their first language so having to be mindful of accent and colloquialisms when talking and presenting can be tiring. The very act of being 'on' all the time is hard.
If you're on your own then it gets lonely pretty quickly and if you're with colleagues then even if you get on, they aren't your friends and family so you aren't fully relaxing.
I've been fortunate to travel to some amazing places and I always factor in some sightseeing time if I can but I'd much rather be there with my family. Anything you can do to make it easier or more enjoyable is welcome in my book so if that means an extra night so you aren't stressing/worrying about getting the airport and maybe get a night to decompress or just because to want to see some of the place you've visited then I wouldn't begrudge it.
I was on a trip to Asia recently and instead of rushing to get flight back immediately after I'd finished work i got a flight the night after and had a day by the pool. My DH encouraged it as he knew how tired i was and how hard the trip had been.

Becomingolder · 18/10/2023 15:39

@GCSister I don't resent my DH for working away but I do resent the fact he has to do it. Slightly different for me compared to the OP as it's not really the doing everything at home I'm struggling with but the fact he gets to travel. We had kids fairly young and have never had the money, plus he's never been keen. Now he gets to go and see the world and I don't so the sightseeing bit is quite hard. Its absolutely not his fault though and if he is away then of course he should get to see the place. It just feels incredibly unfair. Which is why I get my weekend away too. I've even looked into retraining to do a job that would lead to some travel to try and balance it out a bit but I don't think I'd like them and I love my current job (which has absolutely no prospects for travel at all...)

GCSister · 18/10/2023 15:44

@Becomingolder I can understand that. Both me and DH started in jobs which had zero travel opportunities but have ended up having that as part of our role so it does help that we both understand it.

Some of the colleagues don't get it and think I'm off on a jolly all of the time!

I specifically have travel as part of my job description whereas DHs just happens occasionally so I travel more frequently. Sometimes I bring DH ( and on occasion DS!) away with me, even if it's just for part of the trip. Would that be a possibility for you? Obviously you have to cover your own flights but it's often a cheaper way of seeing the world!

Sapphire387 · 18/10/2023 15:44

@GCSister many replies there, including two to one of mine. You clearly feel very strongly about this.

What would I expect him to do? I'd expect him to be upfront with his boss that he has kids and a wife who also works and is juggling everything, so he'd need to be back on the Friday night instead of the Saturday.

It's actually hugely presumptuous of the boss to presume everyone is willing/able to give up a Saturday when it isn't even needed for work.

GCSister · 18/10/2023 15:49

@Sapphire387 I do feel quite strongly as I think the OP is being very unreasonable. Especially as it seems like a one off.......

As the person in my relationship who travels the most I would be pretty pissed off if my DH asked me to change my flights in this situation. One extra day is hardly making a huge difference.
For future trips maybe he needs to be more actively involved in the planning of flights although I strongly suspect he was but just didn't speak up. Whoever was booking the flights would have needed information from her DH just to book the flights so they weren't done without any knowledge.

Becomingolder · 18/10/2023 15:54

@GCSister it might be a possibility in a couple of years time when the youngest can be left and things have eased up financially, though I work in a school so it would only be possible if the dates line up. I know that DH is keen for that to be a possibility too.

Thanks for trying to give me an understanding of the other side. When DH got this job he was given the impression that travel would only be required if he progressed higher up so it's been a bit of a shock to both of us that he has to go now.

GCSister · 18/10/2023 16:16

@Becomingolder ah I can totally understand that working in a school would make that challenging.

It can be a shock when one partner suddenly starts travelling. I appreciate that it's not easy on either side. It does take some adjustment especially when you have kids.
I do feel bad sometimes when I'm travelling to places I know DH is desperate to visit but he appreciates it's not my choice.

Stoptheworldpls · 18/10/2023 16:26

How can you complain. The man is contributing.

Still not enough? Our if 365 days you can't pet it slide?

If this is how things go, he probably voluntarily signed up, reading this I know I would.....

Becomingolder · 18/10/2023 17:14

@GCSister I think it's that shock that the OP is reacting to. It even says in her first post she knows she is being unreasonable. She probably knows that even more now she's had the chance to calm down

GCSister · 18/10/2023 17:22

Becomingolder · 18/10/2023 17:14

@GCSister I think it's that shock that the OP is reacting to. It even says in her first post she knows she is being unreasonable. She probably knows that even more now she's had the chance to calm down

I imagine so, it's not a particularly unreasonable trip but maybe the resentment that he gets to travel played a part

BIossomtoes · 18/10/2023 17:34

My bloke did 11 countries in 13 months at one point, away Monday to Friday. All he saw of those countries were airports, hotel rooms and head offices. It sounded dreadful but the money compensated - that period is now referred to as “the pop star months”.

SabrinaThwaite · 18/10/2023 18:38

BIossomtoes · 18/10/2023 17:34

My bloke did 11 countries in 13 months at one point, away Monday to Friday. All he saw of those countries were airports, hotel rooms and head offices. It sounded dreadful but the money compensated - that period is now referred to as “the pop star months”.

Mine was the same. School tried to ring him once when they couldn’t get hold of me and were most put out that he couldn’t collect DC - it’s still known here as the Kuala Lumpur incident.

Veggiegirl123 · 18/10/2023 20:27

I think as it is for work and a one off you need to let it go. Life is too short to fall out with loved ones for something he has to do.
Now ,if it was a regular event that would be another matter

whittingtonmum · 18/10/2023 20:41

I can understand the resentment. Most women in this situation would have words with the boss explaining that being away for so long would be extremely difficult with the child care arrangements. But somehow men don't seem to be able to do this. The boss sounds very inconsiderate though.

LameBorzoi · 18/10/2023 21:35

I wouldn't. If I were travelling, I would expect my husband to take the younger child to the lesson on Saturday morning, and just kick a ball or something for a while. Or cancel the lesson if it was really too hard.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 18/10/2023 21:50

I'm pretty sure if a Mother said "Oh no I can't stay for drinks on Friday. I need to rush home because DH can't look after DC for an hour whilst Eldest is in drama" then she'd be roundly told to take the extra day and that DH was pathetic not to be able to look after his child for an hour...

GCSister · 18/10/2023 22:07

whittingtonmum · 18/10/2023 20:41

I can understand the resentment. Most women in this situation would have words with the boss explaining that being away for so long would be extremely difficult with the child care arrangements. But somehow men don't seem to be able to do this. The boss sounds very inconsiderate though.

Would they?
If they had a perfectly competent partner at home capable of holding the fort for 4 days?

I'd be so embarrassed if I had to tell my boss I needed to cut short a trip because my DH was incapable of looking after our child.

Valerianandfoxglovesoup · 18/10/2023 22:25

Becomingolder · 18/10/2023 15:39

@GCSister I don't resent my DH for working away but I do resent the fact he has to do it. Slightly different for me compared to the OP as it's not really the doing everything at home I'm struggling with but the fact he gets to travel. We had kids fairly young and have never had the money, plus he's never been keen. Now he gets to go and see the world and I don't so the sightseeing bit is quite hard. Its absolutely not his fault though and if he is away then of course he should get to see the place. It just feels incredibly unfair. Which is why I get my weekend away too. I've even looked into retraining to do a job that would lead to some travel to try and balance it out a bit but I don't think I'd like them and I love my current job (which has absolutely no prospects for travel at all...)

What an incredibly honest post, if everyone on mn just answered like this, everyone would get along so much better. Because it isn't just about what's reasonable is it? It's about how we feel sometimes which is just as valid 💐

coffeeaddict77 · 19/10/2023 15:20

GCSister · 18/10/2023 22:07

Would they?
If they had a perfectly competent partner at home capable of holding the fort for 4 days?

I'd be so embarrassed if I had to tell my boss I needed to cut short a trip because my DH was incapable of looking after our child.

Show quote history

How does the boss know that he has a "perfectly competent partner at home" though? OP might have had plans herself for the weekend that included going away or maybe she has a job that involves travelling too. I think that is what annoyed me when my DC were young when DH or his boss (apparently) did this sort of thing without checking first that it was okay.

GCSister · 19/10/2023 17:16

How does the boss know that he has a "perfectly competent partner at home" though? OP might have had plans herself for the weekend that included going away or maybe she has a job that involves travelling too. I think that is what annoyed me when my DC were young when DH or his boss (apparently) did this sort of thing without checking first that it was okay..

My post was in reference to someone saying a woman wouldn't think twice of telling her boss they needed to cut the trip short.
Yes it's frustrating that the boss has (apparently) booked the flights without checking but it's done now and they just need to deal with it.

coffeeaddict77 · 19/10/2023 17:28

GCSister · 19/10/2023 17:16

How does the boss know that he has a "perfectly competent partner at home" though? OP might have had plans herself for the weekend that included going away or maybe she has a job that involves travelling too. I think that is what annoyed me when my DC were young when DH or his boss (apparently) did this sort of thing without checking first that it was okay..

My post was in reference to someone saying a woman wouldn't think twice of telling her boss they needed to cut the trip short.
Yes it's frustrating that the boss has (apparently) booked the flights without checking but it's done now and they just need to deal with it.

I think a lot women would just say if that didn't work for them because of childcare though.

Zebedee55 · 19/10/2023 17:36

It seems a lot of drama over very little. I'd just go with the flow.

GCSister · 19/10/2023 18:08

I think a lot women would just say if that didn't work for them because of childcare though.

But childcare isn't an issue in this situation 🤷🏼‍♀️

coffeeaddict77 · 19/10/2023 18:18

GCSister · 19/10/2023 18:08

I think a lot women would just say if that didn't work for them because of childcare though.

But childcare isn't an issue in this situation 🤷🏼‍♀️

That doesn't mean they wouldn't say childcare was an issue. Who would say that their DH was incapable or didn't want to look after the children on his own? They would just say that they needed to get home on the Friday to look after the children.

GCSister · 19/10/2023 19:45

That doesn't mean they wouldn't say childcare was an issue. Who would say that their DH was incapable or didn't want to look after the children on his own? They would just say that they needed to get home on the Friday to look after the children.

They wouldn't. I'm a woman with a young child and I travel a lot with work. I would only say I needed to be back home for childcare if that was genuinely the case.
If I had childcare covered then I wouldn't even raise it - why would I?