To be pissed off at DH for agreeing to work away?

[Wellwellw]

I suspect I know the Mumsnet consensus before I even post and it is that I’m BU but I just can’t help being so annoyed.

Working away is not in any way a prerequisite of DH’s job, if it were I wouldn’t want to be married to him and certainly wouldn’t have had children with him. I know lots of people deal with it and are ok with it but it’s not for me at all. Mostly because I also work FT in a high stress job so parenting and running a household is very much a joint venture and not something I want to do alone.

He has the odd night away (talking 1-2 times a year max) because there’s an early morning meeting somewhere 4-5 hours away and that’s absolutely fine. I was also fine with this particular trip to begin with because it was supposed to be Wednesday morning- Friday evening. This meant that to fit around my working hours, FIL only had to step in to drop DC off at school/nursery on the Wednesday morning and collect them on the Thursday evening. Not an issue. I knew the Thursday would be stressful because I teach 11-5 and have an hour+ commute (usually longer in rush hour obviously) either way which takes it out of me. FIL also has a tendency to let DC run amok and trash the entire house so I knew I’d have to return to not only put DC to bed but also tidy their huge mess. It was a one off though so I was ok with it.

The trip then changed to Tuesday morning-Friday afternoon. His boss decided they should attend a separate meeting on the Tuesday afternoon as well. This added a lot more pressure because Tuesday is by far my longest day at work, I teach 9-5 pretty much solidly and I’m always utterly exhausted when I return home. This also meant FIL would have to step in to not only drop but also collect DC from school/nursery on this day. For reference, DC1 is in breakfast and after school club which starts 7:45 and ends 5:30pm and DC2 in nursery 8-6. Due to my long commute and most often added traffic, I can’t drop or collect them on the Tuesday at all meaning FIL would have to do both. As I say, he’d also no doubt let them trash the house again so by the time I got home after a very long day at work I’d be left picking up the pieces on top of bathing and putting two young DC to bed. Not fun.

It got worse when DH dropped the bombshell on Friday evening that his boss had booked the flights and they now wouldn’t be returning until Saturday afternoon. This added an extra dilemma of who would take DC1 to drama on Saturday morning because it’s too far away to drop him and return home so DH or I usually go with him and sit in the car for an hour until he’s done. DC2 will not sit in the car for an hour, he’s an incredibly active boy so I’d have to find something else to do with him in the area but it’s honestly in the middle of nowhere so no softplay etc around. Might just end up letting him loose in a field somewhere to pass the time…

On top of that, I was prepared for DH to return home Friday afternoon and it meant I could at least have a relaxing Friday evening. Instead, I’ll have to do dinner and bedtime alone again on Friday and then get them up the next day to get DC1 to drama. It’s just not great really and I’m super pissed off. I barely spoke to him on Friday night and most of Saturday because I was just seething. I know it’s a work trip so not something he’s doing for fun but I think it’s the fact a 2 day trip has somehow transformed into 5 days and I wasn’t prepared for that.

Firstly, your DH needs to put his big boy pants on and tell his boss that he needs to fly back home on Friday night. His boss should not have just rearranged it without asking, especially considering Saturday is a weekend day and presumably he doesn't work weekends? Just because it's "easier" for the boss, doesn't mean boss can assume it is easier for everyone else on this trip.

Secondly, if DH can't return until Saturday, don't go to the drama class. Like a previous poster said, unless it's a west end production, it won't matter if DC missed one class.

Thirdly, can you chat to FIL about some ground rules for the DC while he is babysitting? Tell FIL that in nursery/school, they have been encouraging DC to finish playing with a certain set of toys, then tidying up, then move onto the next set of toys. Buy some stickers for FIL to hand out to DC on keeping the place tidy. Also chat to DC about the amazing stickers. Might only work for 1 day this week but better that than a mess every day.

OP hasn't given enough info but I expect that this is not a jolly and is required. Sometimes these one off things happen including business trips, best to be prepared rather than massively stressing herself out.

I don’t understand why so many people think it’s ok for your work to take over your weekend. If he works mon-fri then he should return on Friday

@INTERNETEXPL0RER what a weird take on it!

I would be really pissed off with MY husband if he was throwing such a tantrum about having to parent on his own for a few days, and was so outraged at the idea of doing bath time and bedtime alone.

I am all for co-parenting, but the whole luxury of being 2 parents is that one can take over at least occasionally.

Work trip is massively inconvenient, fair enough to be pissed off, even if it's not that inconvenient as the one going away has his own dad to help out, but the Friday/ Saturday?

ridiculous.

Because sometimes that's what required and presumably he will get that time back another time?
I work mon-fri but this week i'll be working Saturday at an event. I'll take a day off next week.

When i travel it will usually result in being away at least one weekend...it's just how it is.

OP just curious but how old are your children?

Are there flights due back on the Friday with seats available on them? What if the meeting overuns? How far are they away from the airport? Maybe his boss did not want to take the chance of them missing their flight and then trying to get on another flight.

Sorry but giving your husband the cold shoulder hardly speaking to him is awful and if the roles were reversed and he was doing this to you there would be posters saying it is a form of abuse.

Like I said in the post- one of my kids has SN and our home life can be challenging at times.

If one of us dropped dead, we’d have to make significant life-changes so the other parent could still juggle full time work, both kids, healthcare and education appointments for DC1 etc. Our set up is designed for 2 parents, not 1.

But thanks for the judgement.

That wasn't the bit that seemed most entitled and ungrateful to me. It was the FIL will have to do this that and the other. He actually doesn't have to do anything, they aren't his children.

@purplecorkheart
“Sorry but giving your husband the cold shoulder hardly speaking to him is awful and if the roles were reversed and he was doing this to you there would be posters saying it is a form of abuse.”

absolutely this.

I think you're being a little unreasonable, OP; but perhaps it's just the lack of communication and sudden change that's made it seem worse than it is. We get it; you have a long work day, and kids are tiring. That's not sarcasm, that's just acknowledging the truth. However, your FIL will be doing pick ups and drop offs. You're making life harder for yourself by getting into such a worry about the house being a tip and a Saturday drama club. I do understand that for many people, finding everything untidy etc can be very stressful; and it can be worse when you may be imagining your other half is getting an enjoyable evening eating out/ordering room service and sleeping in peace and quiet for the whole night. However, it's not really the end of the world if the house is untidy for a week. Have all the uniforms ready for the rest of the week on Sunday. If the kids don't eat lunch at school/nursery, then just give them simple quick stuff to prepare like a jam sandwich and an apple. Leave the house a tip and ask your other half and kids to help tidy up on the weekend. As for Saturday drama club, if it's too much of a hassle to get there and back, just skip it. It's annoying, but not the end of the world.

Last minute work changes happen. I thought from the start of your post that your other half must have suddenly decided to work on an oil rig or something. A 1 week work trip when he usually only spends 1 night away a year, isn't that bad. I do think he's unreasonable not to simply have a conversation with his boss about changing his flights. If there's an extra cost involved, the co will just have to swallow it and his boss will have to explain if whoever signs off expenses queries it.

My job requires us to remain in the establishment if something goes wrong .... no going home on time for us!

It happens. We deal with it

My partner does not make me feel bad for it and certainly isn't abusive enough to give me the silent treatment!

How far in advance did you know about this Saturday?
Was it just sprung on you, meaning you need to make last minute childcare arrangements? If so, are you OK with that?

Knew someone would suggest this, the answer to everyone's problems. 🙄

I know it’s annoying but if it’s a one off then I do think you have to suck it up. It sounds as though it was out of DH’s control and he had to go with the flow. What I do think is unreasonable is for his boss to book the flights with no consultation. He must know he’s a family man so I think it’s out of order to just assume a Saturday flight would ‘make more sense’. I’d also have a word with FiL and ask if he could tidy up a bit while he’s looking after DC and maybe get ready for bed. He’s been a father himself, so he’ll know how it’s done.

My DH is away atleast 2 nights a week, the rest of the time he gets in late. I tidy up, bath, & put both kids to bed on my own every evening. I don't love it but needs must.

It's really not that bad. Be grateful you have your FIL to help. Cancel the Saturday morning class if it's that terrible to entertain the younger one.

It amazes me how some people just cannot cope with parenting on their own for a short period. If you were a single parent, doing this day in/day out you'd have all my sympathy but you're not.

Plus you're a teacher... you can sit back and relax over half term. Then your 3 week Christmas break shortly after.

OP it's life, deal with it instead of complaining. It could be a lot worse. Your husband is doing his job, what do you expect him to do?

Yeah, YABU. Shit happens.

Your DH might have had to take a lot longer out because he was severely ill/became disabled/had to go and care for a relative - you need to be able to cope with your own children by yourself if the need arises because sometimes life throws that stuff your way.

A messy house for a couple of days really isn't the end of the world and you sound ungrateful to your FIL.

I too think you are over-reacting OP to the work trip. I am also scratching my head on “work FT in a high demand job” when your hours are 11-5pm including a lunch break. My semi-retired DH works part time as a pan-regional manager covering 1/3rd the U.K. from 9-4pm. He clocks 30hrs, you clock 25hrs a week? Not really FT imho.

So, you work PT which means child care is usually down to you and your FIL, this means that your DH works FT and for economic reasons it would not be a good idea for your DH to rock the boat with his boss. I have gone on many trips with my boss, one was a week long we flew out Sunday and back the following Saturday. He’d even purposely scheduled extra meetings on Friday so we’d finish too late to fly back that night and have to fly back the following Saturday afternoon- so he could catch the sunset over the Pacific from some famous coastal rock formation as he was an avid photographer . I didn’t want to stay that long but I had no say in the matter and I had young children my DH was taking care of himself. I couldn’t rock the boat and ask for meetings to be moved up to catch a Friday flight- he would have felt I was sabotaging a once in a lifetime chance to get a shot he’d always dreamed of.

I also understand your perspective as my DH has been on work trips too and at the time I worked 12hr shifts with 45min commute- so 13.5hrs a day. The childcare involved wrap around care and a nanny then as we had no relatives nearby. I also react poorly to changes in plans- you’re being called inflexible but if you are like me it’s more preferring to have plans and they be stuck to because it’s stressful to have to re-juggle everything all over again. As I’ve gotten older, I have gotten better at ‘rolling with the punches’ and honestly do not have the energy to get angry and seething or to lash out at my partner when plans change suddenly out of nowhere.

So deep breaths, you can do this. It won’t be a pleasant few days, but it is certainly do-able and try not to take it out on your DH.

Oh, and refusing to speak to him is childish and manipulative.

I am curious why it has to be someone else's job to "have the DC ready for bed"?

Your DH is not an employee, does he have such a strict list of chores, instead of you both doing join-parenting and helping each other out like a normal couple?

When women post that their DH has given them the silent treatment, everyone piles on and says its a form of abuse.

How far in advance did you know about this Saturday?

I agreed to work it this morning as the person who was attending is ill and unlikely to be back by the weekend.

Was it just sprung on you, meaning you need to make last minute childcare arrangements? If so, are you OK with that?

I had to check DH was around to take DS to football even though technically it's my turn this week. We may need to ask FiL to collect DS but he's always happy to help out.
Both me and DH work in jobs where things happen or we get asked to do things last min. We never get the hump with each other as we're a team and are supportive towards each others jobs.

It is

Why not just skip drama and everyone has a more chilled out day? I find it odd that they're not coming back on Friday, but still it's how he earns his money so as a one off there's not much choice.