To be pissed off at DH for agreeing to work away?

[Wellwellw]

I suspect I know the Mumsnet consensus before I even post and it is that I’m BU but I just can’t help being so annoyed.

Working away is not in any way a prerequisite of DH’s job, if it were I wouldn’t want to be married to him and certainly wouldn’t have had children with him. I know lots of people deal with it and are ok with it but it’s not for me at all. Mostly because I also work FT in a high stress job so parenting and running a household is very much a joint venture and not something I want to do alone.

He has the odd night away (talking 1-2 times a year max) because there’s an early morning meeting somewhere 4-5 hours away and that’s absolutely fine. I was also fine with this particular trip to begin with because it was supposed to be Wednesday morning- Friday evening. This meant that to fit around my working hours, FIL only had to step in to drop DC off at school/nursery on the Wednesday morning and collect them on the Thursday evening. Not an issue. I knew the Thursday would be stressful because I teach 11-5 and have an hour+ commute (usually longer in rush hour obviously) either way which takes it out of me. FIL also has a tendency to let DC run amok and trash the entire house so I knew I’d have to return to not only put DC to bed but also tidy their huge mess. It was a one off though so I was ok with it.

The trip then changed to Tuesday morning-Friday afternoon. His boss decided they should attend a separate meeting on the Tuesday afternoon as well. This added a lot more pressure because Tuesday is by far my longest day at work, I teach 9-5 pretty much solidly and I’m always utterly exhausted when I return home. This also meant FIL would have to step in to not only drop but also collect DC from school/nursery on this day. For reference, DC1 is in breakfast and after school club which starts 7:45 and ends 5:30pm and DC2 in nursery 8-6. Due to my long commute and most often added traffic, I can’t drop or collect them on the Tuesday at all meaning FIL would have to do both. As I say, he’d also no doubt let them trash the house again so by the time I got home after a very long day at work I’d be left picking up the pieces on top of bathing and putting two young DC to bed. Not fun.

It got worse when DH dropped the bombshell on Friday evening that his boss had booked the flights and they now wouldn’t be returning until Saturday afternoon. This added an extra dilemma of who would take DC1 to drama on Saturday morning because it’s too far away to drop him and return home so DH or I usually go with him and sit in the car for an hour until he’s done. DC2 will not sit in the car for an hour, he’s an incredibly active boy so I’d have to find something else to do with him in the area but it’s honestly in the middle of nowhere so no softplay etc around. Might just end up letting him loose in a field somewhere to pass the time…

On top of that, I was prepared for DH to return home Friday afternoon and it meant I could at least have a relaxing Friday evening. Instead, I’ll have to do dinner and bedtime alone again on Friday and then get them up the next day to get DC1 to drama. It’s just not great really and I’m super pissed off. I barely spoke to him on Friday night and most of Saturday because I was just seething. I know it’s a work trip so not something he’s doing for fun but I think it’s the fact a 2 day trip has somehow transformed into 5 days and I wasn’t prepared for that.

Kind of agree!

Many of us work longer hours, and are on our feet all day before commuting home again to chaos!

It's going to be a tricky week but it's one week out of your entire life. I think you need to get some perspective, sorry.

As a PP said you won't be at home enough to suffer a messy house anyway. You have help, you will all be fine. DH can help me reset the house when he gets back.

As others have said, it does seem like a major overeaction on your part for a one off work trip. You're very lucky to have FiL to help. If it's a tip, then don't tidy up. And you're making too big a deal of the drama class. It's only an hour. Take the younger one to a playground. Read him books. Let him run around with a football and play with him. Enjoy being with him on his own for an hour. Have DH do slightly more than 50% of what you perceive to be the boring bits of parenting for a while to make up for the 4 days.

The only thin*id be annoyed about is the Saturday flight rather than the Friday one.

he’s away with work, not on a lads holiday and to be fair many people have to work away.

It's not his fault!

Yes I agree with this.

I totally understand because my DP has to work much longer hours than me - I work full time and do 75% of the school runs and sorting school stuff.

when plans change its very annoying - it pisses me off.

But the important point for me is that my DP does not purposefully choose to change his plans and is somewhat beholden to what is needed at the time by his work.

We are a team and sometimes I have to pick up more and sometimes he picks up the slack for me.

Perhaps going forward your DH needs to speak up to his work and say he cannot extend work trips beyond 3 nights.

But I wouldn’t punish him for just one of those things we have to deal with in life. 5 days away as a one off is not “working away”

I think the devil's in the detail here.

For example, of this is a regular occurance than you would not be unreasonable to highlight the impact on you and family life and work together to find a solution which may be as drastic as one or other of you changing jobs.

If this is something unusual and for a boss where your DH feels it might be financially/career advantageous to just go along with it - you might both vent a bit at how hard it will be but otherwise suck it up and come to an agreement about how to make it as easy as possible (eg lower tidying standards or your DH agreeing to do all childcare when he gets back, for a day or so to give you a break).

Honestly OP - it’s life, he’s going on a work trip which from what you say it’s a pretty uncommon occurrence
your FIL is there to support you
you made it sound as if you work 45 hour shifts and your OH was suddenly having a 3 month deployment and you have no support nearby
the house will be untidy for 3 days, big deal! You have someone reliable that will step up to help at no notice
drama, you kid is a kid, not doing drama A levels or a professional actor, if one weekend he cannot go, don’t take him
yes the coming back on Saturday is annoying, but come on! Get on with the week, minimal tidying and he can help with the tidy up on Saturday when he’s back
he maybe able to change the flights…

@Hayliebells exactly that. DH should be making it clear to his boss that he is not the only working parent in his family and so a late Friday flight back is far preferable to a Saturday flight.

Many families now have 2 working parents and employers must accommodate that when possible, particularly with travel and work outside of usual hours.

It is completely unfair for the other parent to pick up all the slack AND work, when the other employer makes no effort to accommodate reasonable requests which make it less of an impact on the family.

As it’s a one off then I’d let it go and find a way to make it work.

It sounds like you both rely on FIL too much and I think finding a babysitter (hopefully one that can drives) would be much better.

Look up college students studying childcare or even nursery staff/TAs.

I completely understand why you’re annoyed though.

I wonder how he’d feel if you had decided to go away with work and make him sort out all of the childcare around his job.

It’s that feeling of being the default parent that is the issue here and him feeling that his job is more important.

Just to say OP life has probably got a lot more bumps in it for you , so buckle up and be prepared and take the rough with the smooth .

Not exactly the end of the world is it…..
at least you have someone to help and it’s an pretty much isolated situation occurrence.

there are quite a lot of us that work full time have several children and no help with drop offs/ pick ups/ time off all the time.

YABU

YANBU OP.

Of course you’re getting responses from people saying their partner is away for eons on end and they just get on with it bla bla bla. Good for them, but there’s plenty of families who don’t have their schedules and household/ childcare responsibilities allocated based on one parent being absent for long stretches, so when it happens it’s just a shit show for the one left at home.

DH is away with work about 3-4 times a year and I loathe it. We’ve got into a groove now the kids are a little older, but I get lonely and am on a hairpin trigger from all the running about, tidying, dealing with both young kids (one with SEN).

That's pretty patronising.

It's true though

This. Your DH should simply tell his boss those plans clash with his family commitments, and he can't arrange childcare cover at this short notice. It's completely unreasonable for both men (I assume his boss is male) to think they can do what they like as if it's someone else's problem to deal with the kids.

I really couldn't get worked up about the Saturday flight.
When me or DH work way we often tag on an extra day for sightseeing if possible and we happen to be travelling to a place where there are things to see.

YABU

Fair enough to be pissed off, it's inconvenient.

It's a one-off, you are over-reacting on so many levels.

I also work FT in a high stress job so parenting and running a household is very much a joint venture and not something I want to do alone.

ONCE. You can parent alone once.
Surely you will have occasions when your husband has to parent alone? Work, family event, family emergency, friend event?

Being so furious about spending 1 hour with your younger child? You are ridiculous, it's what happens when you have more than one. You don't have to stay in the middle of a field, you sound like a tantrumming teenager.

They are your kids, being in charge alone REALLY shouldn't be such a big deal.
The logistics are inconvenient, but bedtime and bath time alone?

It's so over-the top it sounds like a reverse written as a joke to mock useless dads who don't want to parent.

You are so dramatic. You are lucky you have your FIL to help you.

Why should she be grateful to her FIL? its her husband he is covering for, not the OP!

What did being cold with him achieve?

Absolutely nothing I assume

What's the solution then op?

Really? 3-4 times a year away with work and that is a trigger?

I am astounded by some of these replies. What would happen if you separated or god forbid one of you died? You couldn’t just not parent could you?

How on earth do all these people in those positions or indeed who are lone parents with children do it? They just do. Because they have to.

She's been giving him the silent treatment 🙄.

Do you think the boss genuinely decided to just go ahead and book a Saturday flight without informing your DH? Or do you think DH is just blaming the boss but was actually fully aware he was getting an extra night away?