To be pissed off at DH for agreeing to work away?

[Wellwellw]

I suspect I know the Mumsnet consensus before I even post and it is that I’m BU but I just can’t help being so annoyed.

Working away is not in any way a prerequisite of DH’s job, if it were I wouldn’t want to be married to him and certainly wouldn’t have had children with him. I know lots of people deal with it and are ok with it but it’s not for me at all. Mostly because I also work FT in a high stress job so parenting and running a household is very much a joint venture and not something I want to do alone.

He has the odd night away (talking 1-2 times a year max) because there’s an early morning meeting somewhere 4-5 hours away and that’s absolutely fine. I was also fine with this particular trip to begin with because it was supposed to be Wednesday morning- Friday evening. This meant that to fit around my working hours, FIL only had to step in to drop DC off at school/nursery on the Wednesday morning and collect them on the Thursday evening. Not an issue. I knew the Thursday would be stressful because I teach 11-5 and have an hour+ commute (usually longer in rush hour obviously) either way which takes it out of me. FIL also has a tendency to let DC run amok and trash the entire house so I knew I’d have to return to not only put DC to bed but also tidy their huge mess. It was a one off though so I was ok with it.

The trip then changed to Tuesday morning-Friday afternoon. His boss decided they should attend a separate meeting on the Tuesday afternoon as well. This added a lot more pressure because Tuesday is by far my longest day at work, I teach 9-5 pretty much solidly and I’m always utterly exhausted when I return home. This also meant FIL would have to step in to not only drop but also collect DC from school/nursery on this day. For reference, DC1 is in breakfast and after school club which starts 7:45 and ends 5:30pm and DC2 in nursery 8-6. Due to my long commute and most often added traffic, I can’t drop or collect them on the Tuesday at all meaning FIL would have to do both. As I say, he’d also no doubt let them trash the house again so by the time I got home after a very long day at work I’d be left picking up the pieces on top of bathing and putting two young DC to bed. Not fun.

It got worse when DH dropped the bombshell on Friday evening that his boss had booked the flights and they now wouldn’t be returning until Saturday afternoon. This added an extra dilemma of who would take DC1 to drama on Saturday morning because it’s too far away to drop him and return home so DH or I usually go with him and sit in the car for an hour until he’s done. DC2 will not sit in the car for an hour, he’s an incredibly active boy so I’d have to find something else to do with him in the area but it’s honestly in the middle of nowhere so no softplay etc around. Might just end up letting him loose in a field somewhere to pass the time…

On top of that, I was prepared for DH to return home Friday afternoon and it meant I could at least have a relaxing Friday evening. Instead, I’ll have to do dinner and bedtime alone again on Friday and then get them up the next day to get DC1 to drama. It’s just not great really and I’m super pissed off. I barely spoke to him on Friday night and most of Saturday because I was just seething. I know it’s a work trip so not something he’s doing for fun but I think it’s the fact a 2 day trip has somehow transformed into 5 days and I wasn’t prepared for that.

My ILs are always happy to help when one of us is working away. I wouldn't assume her FIL is being put out. Lots of families are happy to help

1. You don't need to tidy up for one week- just leave it this time.
2. Cancel drama or see if another parent can take this week. It's not essential and is causing too much stress.
3. Dc don't need bathing every night. It will be ok.
4. Shop accordingly and buy ready meals, pizza etc.

It's not ideal, but I've been there with dh- he was often away with 2 dc under 2, and yes I was a miserable cow sometimes as I think it's fear of not being able to cope. Id cut him some slack this time.

You sound quite inflexible OP. When you said you wouldn't have married him had you know he'd travel for work I thought he'd agree to a three month deployment or something! I wouldn't bat an eyelid at the changes you've described and icing him out is really harsh. I wonder would he have married you had he known you'd flip your lid over a standard work trip ;)

I think YABU. It’s a work trip, not a jolly? Unless you think it’s the latter. It’s no good saying he should have put his big boy pants on, that’s like saying you need to put your big girl pants on and suck it up for a week imo.

Is it going to be regular or one off? If it’s regular then perhaps you both need to have a discussion and sort out a solution- even if that means a new job for him (or indeed for you). Perhaps you need a sit down anyway if one work trip means you wish you’d never married him or had children with him.

For reference, DC1 is in breakfast and after school club which starts 7:45 and ends 5:30pm and DC2 in nursery 8-6. Due to my long commute and most often added traffic, I can’t drop or collect them on the Tuesday at all meaning FIL would have to do both. As I say, he’d also no doubt let them trash the house again so by the time I got home after a very long day at work I’d be left picking up the pieces on top of bathing and putting two young DC to bed. Not fun.

How much mess can they possibly make if they are out of the house from 7.45 to 6 pm plus travel time?!

I think you could insist that your DH changes to the Friday flight back, but it may not be worth the fight. Overall this doesn't sound like an unusually rough week by the standards of most FT working parents.

This is the reality of many a working week for many families. For you this is pretty much a one-off; you don’t have to like it but it doesn’t sound that challenging in all honesty. You have the benefit of family helping you out and so what if the house is messier than usual, it’s really not a big deal.

DH said his boss had booked the flights without asking DH if that was ok so he didn’t have any say in it

Well his boss is not very good. Unless your DH is contracted work those times then of course he has a say in it.
What sort of work environment is this? I can tell you that if my boss threw that at me I'd be buggered. As a lone parent, travelling for work takes a HUGE amount of organising. Them then booking additional days would not just be an inconvenience, it would likely be impossible.
Who are the other people going on this trip?

You're getting a lot of harsh responses but YANBU to be pissed off. It's hard being a parent especially if you're not used to doing it alone. To lessen your stress, could you try to get a day off work, skip drama club, make easy food? Very lucky to have FIL though, despite all the mess.

If it was every week then yes, I'd be pissed off but as this is so rare, I'd just get on with it. My DH is away several times a month. I don't see preparing dinner for my kids or taking them to activities as particularly harrowing. Yes it's tiring but there'll be other weeks when my DH does everything and I can take it easy.
I certainly wouldn't ignore my DH for 2 days!

Extending the trip to Saturday morning is completely out of order. I'd be annoyed about that too.

I’d ask your husband to rearrange his flight to fly back on Friday - he’s let his boss assume he has no other responsibilities.

I get that it’s annoying but it sounds like a one off and is for just a couple of extra days, AND you have family help which many of us don’t. I’d be a bit more concerned about your reaction about being unable to cope with looking after your kids for a few days.

You wouldn't have married or had children with him is a very extreme reaction to a few days away for work. Do you think he might have dreaded telling you so has drip fed how long he was away for. I am assuming you have form for this type of extreme inflexible response. A messy house and kids missing drama is not a big deal as a one off (although why one child can't wait in the car with you/walk around the block is another issue). I think you need to have a talk to yourself about why you are reacting like this.

Honestly get a bit of a grip. It's sounds that it's not the norm for him just an occasional work trip that he needs to attend. You walking around with a face like a slapped arse for a whole weekend because of this is frankly a bit unhinged.

I get that's it's extra busy. My dh was away for 10 days last week. House work
Slipped and I ended up getting take out two nights and one or two of the kids missed an activity that I just couldn't squeeze in but it's just one of those things.

I think you are being utterly unreasonable you seem to be totally inflexible . Drama class ?🙄. Unless it's a west end production take it easy and give it a miss .It's wonderful you have family willing to help .

YABU. It is not his fault and you should have adequate childcare in place for the unexpetced.

YANBU. Why hasn't your DH told his boss that he can only do Wed to Friday as originally planned? Why did his boss think it was OK to come back on a Saturday afternoon (when presumably he doesn't work on Saturdays? Unless your DH's boss is a monumental arsehole, I just do not buy that the boss extended the trip without checking with your DH. I would be highly suspicious that your DH hasn't just gone along with all this willingly, and I'd be absolutely fuming too.

Or has just gone along with it even.

When I read the title I thought you husband would be relocating to another country for work.

when is this happening? Can you arrange paid childcare when your FIL is not available?

You’re unreasonable. It really shouldn’t be necessary to give the cold shoulder because you’re looking after the kids for a few days with the help of FIL.

The OP is a teacher. Teachers don't get allowed to take random days of work. They're lucky if they're granted a few hours off for things like funerals of friends and family. There's now way they'd get a day off because their spouse is working away!

My exH was away with work for a week twice a month, I was working full time and managing all you describe very often with a hyperactive child (fully diagnosed one not the “spirited” mostly spoilt child often described as such).

I am divorced in part for that reason but honestly op, once in a blue moon trip and you are complaining so much? It doesn’t sound so miserable to me to have to sit in the car for an hour with an active child while your FIL is helping so much over the week.

If this happened all the time I would understand but once in a blue moon? Pull yourself together, it is so NOT the end of the world. Then leave him with the kids for the full Sunday when you go out and do something nice for yourself.

You think it's OK for her DH to be at the beck and call of his boss, and that this is a reasonable unexpected situation?

I don't. Knowing I have people I can call if I need childcare due to illness or my car breaking down or a bereavement is one thing. Having it in place in case my boss decides I will be working when I am normally not is unreasonable.

It seems to me that the issue here is the "creep". Every time OP thinks she's got a handle on it, an extra night is added. And it's not discussed with her.

I'd also be very very cross about the passive response to the boss deciding that flying back Saturday is better. That 100% smacks of a team who are planning to enjoy a little bit of time off on the company's dime and have a bit of a party... while you're left holding the bag.

@Hayliebells i don’t think she said she was a school teacher. Lots of jobs involve ‘teaching’, including ones not in the education field. The ‘teaching solidly from 9-5’ and 11-5 made me presume some other sort of teaching So perhaps time off with notice wasn’t a silly suggestion