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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messages. AIBU or is he?

339 replies

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:13

Hello all.

Posted here for traffic.

Long time lurker.

Married for 12 years to H with 2 girls.

Went on his phone last night to check banking and found messages between him and a mutual friend.

Backstory
She is 17 years younger than us and has been a friend for over a decade. She is married and all are part of a larger friend group.

These messages seem to have been going on for over 2 years.
Lots of "xxx" on messages. Flirting, sex talk, photos (underwear etc from both) and everyday talk as well as more intimate deeper conversations. Even going as far as to say that he thinks they are more than friends and that they are each others person.
Every day and multiple times a day. Always starts with good morning and ends with night night.

He says it's friend talk and I'm overreacting and I think it's inappropriate and want him to block her.

OP posts:
GrapplingGoat · 15/10/2023 14:17

You are not being unreasonable. If this were my relationship I would consider this cheating (just my personal opinion) and would want a divorce. I'm sorry. This is really shit.

winniethedoo · 15/10/2023 14:17

I don't send pictures of myself in underwear to my friends. Do you? That should answer your question.

SoEffingGrumpy · 15/10/2023 14:18

I’ve managed to never send a male friend photos of me in my underwear, even ones I’ve know 25+ years!
If he is choosing not to to block (not my first choice tbh) then your marriage is already over. He’s choosing her ‘friendship’ over your marriage.

SwankyPants · 15/10/2023 14:18

Nope. Not appropriate. Not friend talk.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:18

@winniethedoo I said this. He said he was showing her his progress from the gym.

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 15/10/2023 14:19

Do you really need to ask? That is more than inappropriate and he knows it too. I'm sorry you've had to find out this way OP. What are you going to do about it?

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:19

@SwankyPants a lot of it was friend chat but there is innuendo and sex chat. And he keeps calling her a nickname

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 15/10/2023 14:20

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:18

@winniethedoo I said this. He said he was showing her his progress from the gym.

Ah so he sends them to everyone in the friend group does he? Of course not because he's not trying to impress them! Fucking prick

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:20

We are currently away with the girls so I have no idea. I spoke to him last night and he's trying to convince me they are good friends and nothing would ever happen and that I am seeing things that aren't there.

OP posts:
KeepForgetting · 15/10/2023 14:21

He would have no problem with her husband seeing the messages then?

TolkiensFallow · 15/10/2023 14:21

He thinks they are each others person?

Unacceptable.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:22

We all usually meet up and it looked like he had messaged her after these a few times commenting on how she looks and her body parts.
And what he would do.
He is quite 'vanilla' with me but the things they talk about shocked even me and I am open minded.

OP posts:
Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:25

He also admitted that he had thought about her when I wasn't in the house so to speak and how he had had awkward moments when she messaged something inappropriate.

I want to hate him but I can't for some reason.
The person he is in the messages and the person I'm married to are completely different

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 15/10/2023 14:26

Look, he's been cheating for two years. He will have deleted all those messages now so I hope you have some copies. It's a very hard thing to get your head around but I'm afraid you have to do that. I would speak to her husband about it if I were you.

Name99 · 15/10/2023 14:28

This is totally unacceptable and you know it and he knows it.
It's an emotional affair at the best, Google the script.
YOU knows it's unacceptable, he's cheating and he's trying a bit of gaslighting on you too, making you doubt things hence you posting here.

funbags3 · 15/10/2023 14:28

I'd definitely message her husband and ask him if he's ok with this.
I'd be absolutely appalled and disgusted.

WrylyAmused · 15/10/2023 14:30

I think there are two good general "rules" for situations like this, because people have different rules for their relationships and what's acceptable to them, but I feel like these apply no matter what your relationship rules are.

  1. Would partner be ok with you doing the same thing they have done?
So in this case speaking to another man in a similar way and sending him underwear pics of you etc. without his knowledge.

And:

  1. Would all involved parties (so you, H, this woman and her H) be totally fine with these messages being sent if they were being sent openly and with full transparency as they went along with their messaging?

If the answers to both of those are yes, he hasn't done anything wrong.
But somehow I doubt that that is the case in this situation.
In which case he's being disrespectful at best, and quite possibly worse.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:31

I thought about messaging her other half but we don't really talk that much. He's very sit back and no engage.

OP posts:
OldPerson · 15/10/2023 14:31

WTF. Ha ha ha. The stupidity is incredulous. What does it take for some people? Because whatever people write, she'll still want to stay with DH, compromise, accept, keep denial, pretend a bunch of flowers is his acknowledgement of guilt or change ... absolutely never leave him. She wants him to block the woman more important than her???? They start every morning and end every day communicating??? They send photos in underwear. End it with dignity. Or don't end it with dignity. Just send the photos in their underwear around their wide social group and ask for input. But I suspect their wider social group already know of the inappropriate behaviour. And again she won't leave him. She'll "share" him. But she really ought to kick him out for at least a month, if she wants any bargaining power. Because nothing like the cold hard shock of divorce and losing half your assets and half your children's lives to make people wake up and think. But eventually, he'll go back to that affair or the next one, and she'll accept it.

Name99 · 15/10/2023 14:32

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:31

I thought about messaging her other half but we don't really talk that much. He's very sit back and no engage.

So are you going to just going to sit back too?

Brocollimatilda · 15/10/2023 14:32

Underwear, sex talk and ‘each others person’ - fuck that. And I have quite a lot of close male friends - we’ve never gone anywhere near any of that.

Crikeyalmighty · 15/10/2023 14:32

Christ- I would be initiating a separation on that

Whattodo112222 · 15/10/2023 14:32

He's cheating and also gaslighting you.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:32

He said nothing physical has ever happened and that it's banter.
She is a lot younger than us so apparently he's just acting younger to engage in conversation.

I made the point that kisses on messages and GM/GN messages everyday aren't a friend thing.

I agree that these messages would never been happily shared in a group

OP posts:
Homesweethome23 · 15/10/2023 14:33

I would not be wanting him to block her, I would be packing his bags.

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