Messages. AIBU or is he?

[welshprincess1975]

Hello all.

Posted here for traffic.

Long time lurker.

Married for 12 years to H with 2 girls.

Went on his phone last night to check banking and found messages between him and a mutual friend.

Backstory
She is 17 years younger than us and has been a friend for over a decade. She is married and all are part of a larger friend group.

These messages seem to have been going on for over 2 years.
Lots of "xxx" on messages. Flirting, sex talk, photos (underwear etc from both) and everyday talk as well as more intimate deeper conversations. Even going as far as to say that he thinks they are more than friends and that they are each others person.
Every day and multiple times a day. Always starts with good morning and ends with night night.

He says it's friend talk and I'm overreacting and I think it's inappropriate and want him to block her.

I also wondered about financial abuse op. Do you have any access to money? Or does he control it all?

@Ramalangadingdong she didn't send any that I can see

@Donotshushme I do have access to it. Just no accounts in my name or joint names

Has he said anything to you this morning? Like “I’m sorry” for a start??? The rancid bastard should be grovelling on his bloody knees 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

@Buildingthefuture
No nothing. He was up before me and went for his daily run

Wut?

@welshprincess1975 If you haven't already, do please make sure you keep evidence of the messages you've seen. Without that it would be so easy for him to gaslight you further.

I feel so awful for you can’t believe all the things you’ve said, I hope you figure this out in the best way for you ❤️

I think you need a divorce

It’s easy for people to say throw him out, or leave him, but the reality isn’t that simple is it!
You definitely need advice from a good solicitor about the best way forward.
Do you have friends or family that you can confide in, you really need support through whichever path you take over the coming weeks.
You sound such a lovely person, don’t let him walk all over you, you are worth so much more than that.
The things he’s written to her about you are downright nasty and so insulting, draw on all your inner strength and self worth and please do stand up for yourself.

This is horrendous, please don't gaslight yourself, the physical act may not have happened (yet!) but this is absolutely a full blown affair. Do not tolerate it OP. If it were me I'd have taken a photo of their messages and sent them to the group WhatsApp, but I'm spiteful like that.

You don’t need to know her OH, just tell him you think he should know and send screenshots.

He’s been having an intimate emotional relationship with another woman, saying all those god awful things… why are you even giving him the light of day.

I’m so sorry OP I know I’m not the one having to deal with this, you deserve better than that rat 💐

How are things going, @welshprincess1975?

I've been thinking of you @welshprincess1975

I'm going through my divorce right now and it's a daily high and low if 'am I doing the right thing?' But genuinely, from my heart giving myself time to really, REALLY look at who my husband was, how he'd treated me over the years, how that treatment made me feel (good as well as bad) and whether I had treated him better when I faced the same situations of stress, exhaustion, feeling happy or sad etc, is what makes me feel secure in how we're moving forward. It's taken me years to find the strength to feel that way if I'm honest, so please don't feel weak or judged if you decided to stay. No one else is in your exact shoes. Just please whatever you decide know that you were right what he has done is unanimously agreed to be not okay.

Good luck x