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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messages. AIBU or is he?

339 replies

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:13

Hello all.

Posted here for traffic.

Long time lurker.

Married for 12 years to H with 2 girls.

Went on his phone last night to check banking and found messages between him and a mutual friend.

Backstory
She is 17 years younger than us and has been a friend for over a decade. She is married and all are part of a larger friend group.

These messages seem to have been going on for over 2 years.
Lots of "xxx" on messages. Flirting, sex talk, photos (underwear etc from both) and everyday talk as well as more intimate deeper conversations. Even going as far as to say that he thinks they are more than friends and that they are each others person.
Every day and multiple times a day. Always starts with good morning and ends with night night.

He says it's friend talk and I'm overreacting and I think it's inappropriate and want him to block her.

OP posts:
Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:26

I believe that he thinks he hasn't done anything. I know he has.

OP posts:
Andthereyougo · 15/10/2023 15:27

I have lots of friends, send a lot of texts but have never sent one of me in my underwear ( or received one) !
He’s acting younger and it’s just banter? Bollocks.
Kick him out.

funbags3 · 15/10/2023 15:27

He knows what he's done. He just doesn't want to admit it to you.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:28

She asked him if he had thought about her and that's when he said it.

I know I seem unemotional and unattached. I am just so blindsided and confused as up until last night I thought everything was fine.

He has taken the girls to the beach and I'm here alone

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 15/10/2023 15:28

He’s be gone and I’d be telling her I hope she’s happy for her husband to see these messages. It’s an emotional affair at the very least and god knows what else he’s up to.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:29

It's ridiculous that I'm annoyed that he is so obsessed with doing things to her that he said to me he would never do

OP posts:
poorlyarm · 15/10/2023 15:30

OMG that's so awful and disrespectful what they have said about the boring sex. I could never forgive after they had said that about me.

JMSA · 15/10/2023 15:30

Please leave him. If he hasn't already fucked her then he would do it in a heartbeat if the opportunity presented itself.

SwingandaPrayer · 15/10/2023 15:33

He has absolutely stepped over the line. Have you asked him how he would be reacting if he had found messages/flirting/sex talk/photos in underwear/you are my person etc on your phone with the husband of this younger friend? There is no way he can dig himself out of this one. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking this is normal/acceptable. It really isn’t. Ever.

MasterBeth · 15/10/2023 15:33

At least he's done you the favour of being so gross and inappropriate to leave you in no doubt of his guilt.

"I think of you when I'm having boring sex with my wife or else I wouldn't be able to keep it up" is an appalling and disrespectful thing to say to anyone at any time.

"Emotional affair" doesn't sound like the right term for me. "Dirty little creep behaviour" sounds better.

TigerQueenie · 15/10/2023 15:34

I've sent underwear pics to friends for weightloss reasons. And we talk about sex.

We do not flirt, message each other morning to night, hide our messages or say we are each others person. That would be it for me.

Emeal123 · 15/10/2023 15:34

NotaCoolMum · 15/10/2023 14:35

Yeah. Your husband is having an affair and gaslighting the hell out of you.

This^^!!!!

OP you’re worth 10 of him (and her) - and he’s not even apologetic!! Or acknowledging your feelings. Leave!

gamerchick · 15/10/2023 15:34

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:20

We are currently away with the girls so I have no idea. I spoke to him last night and he's trying to convince me they are good friends and nothing would ever happen and that I am seeing things that aren't there.

Tell him fine and in that case it won't do any harm to tell her bloke.

He's said she's his person. That's way beyond inappropriate OP. That's a bomb going off in your marriage.

He either ditches the girl completely or he can fuck off and leave. But tbh it's probably just a matter of time because this is going to fester and destroy you both anyway

I'm sorry man.

Dogfureverywhere · 15/10/2023 15:36

Unacceptable behaviour and he's gaslighting you now he's been found out. I'd consider asking him to move out for a few days whilst you consider whether YOU wish to continue your relationship and what steps he will be taking to convince you he's worth it. Line up your ducks so you know your legal/financial position.

Dedsec2023 · 15/10/2023 15:36

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:24

She said just think of her when he has to have boring sex and he replied saying he has to think of her to make it stay up.

It started as friends. I could see that completely. Wasn't constant etc but up until yesterday it's been everyday

thats cold,

Eliza121 · 15/10/2023 15:37

OP I'm sure you know in your heart what is happening. If my husband messaged my friend anything relating to "sex talk" he would be gone, that's not just friends talking.
This woman is not a friend to you, and your husband is an arse (and that's being very polite)

Nicole1111 · 15/10/2023 15:38

The only thing more disgusting than both of their behaviour in doing this in the first place is him trying to gaslight you in to saying it’s nothing. It’s not nothing, it’s at best an emotional affair that has been hidden and ongoing for years. At worst it’s at points been a physical affair. Do not let this man make you believe this is normal. It’s a complete betrayal and as a starting point I’d be telling him on your return from holiday he needs to leave the family home to give you space. You deserve a lot more. Can you confide in a friend so you’ve got some perspective from people who know you both?

Catopia · 15/10/2023 15:38

I don't usually get involved with this sort of MN post, but I had this (without the photographs, those wouldn't have impressed anyone) with an ex. I didn't wait to find out if they were actually sleeping together or not, I left him the morning after the night I found out having given him every opportunity to confess.

I had little physical ties in those days so I waited for him to go to work and with the help of a friend moved all of my stuff out... I appreciate your situation is different but the dramatic French exit was pretty fun under the circumstances, even at the time.... ANYWAY my point is, what explanation is there that you can possibly receive that will make this ok or repair it? Is there one?

If you were sending some bloke pictures of you in a sexy bikini together with sexual innuendos behind his back it is unlikely that he would think it was ok. He's not sending these "gym progress" photos to you, or putting them on Instagram for public consumption. They are specially for her.

I am so sorry OP but I don't think there's coming back from this, particularly as his response has not been to apologise. I also do think you probably need to consider telling her husband what is going on - if I was in his shoes I would appreciate the candor.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:39

@Nicole1111

That is my plan I think. I have a few friends that are more personal than mutual.

OP posts:
FairyMaclary · 15/10/2023 15:40

Call her husband. If you kept or can get copies of the messages send them to him.

When the cold light of day is shone on their secrets and reality hits the affair won’t seem as special. While she scrabbles to save her marriage there’s a high chance she’ll stop messaging him and he will see how little he means to her.

If telling her husband the truth means they run off together you will save yourself the prolonged heart ache.

Call her husband asap, I can assure you your hubby has warned her.

Antst · 15/10/2023 15:42

Wow! I work in a field where there are very few women and where people spend most of their free time at work. So if I weren't friends with men, it would be hard to meet new friends.

If I saw anything like what you're describing, I'd be freaking out. This is not innocent. People who truly have platonic friendships don't keep them secret and don't sign off with XXX. They don't flirt.

I'm not going to tell you what to do. You'll have your own priorities and financial concerns. I am going to tell you not to let him gaslight you into believing that nothing is going on though.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:45

He doesn't believe emotional affairs are a thing. As he said.

He's standing by them being just good friends.

I know he's gas lighting I just am a mess right now.

I don't know which bit pushed me over the edge tbh

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 15/10/2023 15:46

I’ve been in this exact situation. You know deep down what you need to do but when it’s happening to you and your real life then it’s not so easy to just walk away. It’s hard as you’re currently away but you need some distance and some time to think about what you want. At some point it’s going to hit you and you’ll feel the emotion.

op you know it’s not normal chat. They are having an emotional affair and he’s just waiting for the moment to make it physical.

I have lots of make friends but I don’t send them daily good morning and goodnight texts. I also don’t send them pictures of me in my underwear and have lots of chats about sex.

He’s been incredibly disrespectful to you and your family, don’t let him gaslight you on this. He knows it’s wrong too but is hoping if he laughs it off then you’ll be angry for a day and move on. If he was genuine and worried about your marriage then he’d be offering to cut contact and apologising.

You can block her from his phone but with every phone, you can just go into settings and unblock the person to chat again.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:49

@Antst every message finishes xxx and then some are just xxx or the hug/kiss emoji.

It's a lot of loaded comments and innuendo

OP posts:
Antst · 15/10/2023 15:51

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:49

@Antst every message finishes xxx and then some are just xxx or the hug/kiss emoji.

It's a lot of loaded comments and innuendo

There you go. That is not even remotely appropriate. I have never signed off that way to any of my many male friends and they've never done it to me. This is not how "just friends" behave.

You have a gut feeling something is up and I'd trust it. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.