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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messages. AIBU or is he?

339 replies

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:13

Hello all.

Posted here for traffic.

Long time lurker.

Married for 12 years to H with 2 girls.

Went on his phone last night to check banking and found messages between him and a mutual friend.

Backstory
She is 17 years younger than us and has been a friend for over a decade. She is married and all are part of a larger friend group.

These messages seem to have been going on for over 2 years.
Lots of "xxx" on messages. Flirting, sex talk, photos (underwear etc from both) and everyday talk as well as more intimate deeper conversations. Even going as far as to say that he thinks they are more than friends and that they are each others person.
Every day and multiple times a day. Always starts with good morning and ends with night night.

He says it's friend talk and I'm overreacting and I think it's inappropriate and want him to block her.

OP posts:
redastherose · 15/10/2023 21:32

How long have you been together and how long married? This is important, if you have been together for 10 years and married for say 5 then it's the total length of relationship that matters and it won't have any effect that he had you sign a prenup which generally aren't legally binding in the uk.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 15/10/2023 21:35

Id tell her husband everything first. Even if you haven't got the screenshots just tell him what you found.

Then I'd message her and say congratulations, he's all yours, I don't want a cheating husband.

I wouldn't say anything to him - I'd let him find out from her that the marriage is over.

contactme · 15/10/2023 21:42

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 15/10/2023 21:35

Id tell her husband everything first. Even if you haven't got the screenshots just tell him what you found.

Then I'd message her and say congratulations, he's all yours, I don't want a cheating husband.

I wouldn't say anything to him - I'd let him find out from her that the marriage is over.

Being passive aggressive isn’t a good look for OP though

Treesinmygarden · 15/10/2023 21:46

contactme · 15/10/2023 21:42

Being passive aggressive isn’t a good look for OP though

Show quote history

Quite frankly, I wouldn't care!!!

His misbehaviour isn't exactly a good look either!

Humbugg · 15/10/2023 21:54

He’s treating you like you are stupid. That’s worse than the messages for me. The messages are damn awful but if it were my DH i would be saying the fact you are telling bald faced lies to my face is the most disrespectful, trying to convince me I’m stupid

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/10/2023 21:56

Sorry OP this must be a horrible shock for you and I can tell by the way you post that your self-esteem is on the floor. It's honestly quite disturbing that you are even questioning whether you are being unreasonable. Their behaviour is so far beyond reasonable that the fact you have to ask this question is quite upsetting.

People suggesting you share the messages with the friendship group are completely missing the point. This ship has long ago sailed.

Stop worrying about the fact that he is cheating on you (he is cheating on you, whether or not he's physically had sex with her or not). Start worrying about extricating yourself from this cheating shitbag who doesn't deserve you or his children. There's no way back from this.

As others have said, you are entitled to a decent chunk of his assets. Whether or not its 50% I can't say and yes there may be a prenup but no judge is going to uphold a settlement that sees you walking away empty-handed.

Get to see a solicitor as soon as you're in a position to do so. Get the divorce underway. It will unpleasant for a few months but ultimately its short term pain for long-term gain and you have to do it. If you remain married to this man he will destroy what's left of your happiness and self-esteem. And when you get out, get counselling and try to figure out why you ever thought you deserved this treatment. Good luck: I'm sure you'll get there in the end. And remember Mumsnet is full of people who have been through worse and emerged. The rest of your life, free from this cheating arsehole, is waiting for you.

BackAgainstWall · 15/10/2023 22:02

The reality is your DH is a duplicitous bastard who is trying extremely hard to gas light you.

If you are in the England, I don’t think prenups are worth the paper they are written on. I might be wrong, but I would definitely check.

PinkyFlamingo · 15/10/2023 22:08

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:51

He made comments about her body and what he would do to her. She seemed to think it was funny and asked if he would make her.

He would initiate it and she would make comments about it.

Such as having her in his knees begging and other things.

Like I said with me he is vanilla(?) and uninterested and acts like it's a duty but in the messages he says he wants to do things that he's never said to me

Seriously what's wrong with your thought processes that you can't see that this is awful!

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 15/10/2023 22:08

The very fact that your husband has you in a mental state where he is messaging a woman describing how he fantasises about fucking her then tried to convince you it's just chat between friends is infuriating in itself.
He doesn't care about you, he doesn't deserve to be your husband.
I could never trust someone like that to be in my life.

Kangaroobrain · 15/10/2023 22:19

On a purely practical note (and apologies if I've missed this if it's been said) - did you photograph or record the messages in any way?

I would advise not to let him know what your plans are until you've managed to record that evidence. My guess is he'd delete everything, and without evidence it would be even easier for him to gaslight you.

Takeitonthechin · 15/10/2023 22:23

The pre nup may not be worth the paper it's written on, see a solicitor.
Go see the OW husband/ partner so he knows what's going on.
He is so disrespectful, call his parents and tell them what's going on... he should be ashamed of himself.
Get rid, he will never see how wrong he's being. Look to a future for you and the girls together.
Good luck op

Sushiandunagi · 15/10/2023 22:26

I think people saying pack his bags watched far too many Hollywood movies. Reality is - you may have to play the long game OP. If you have MH problems and signed a pre nup stating that you don’t want to share his house etc… you may find yourself and your girls in the difficult position. It is beyond reasonable doubt that your husband is cheating. However, you may want to get your ducks in order before you leave…

penpep · 15/10/2023 22:36

He is 100% cheating on you. How is this even a question?!! Leave him obviously.

Blueink · 15/10/2023 22:36

BackAgainstWall · 15/10/2023 22:02

The reality is your DH is a duplicitous bastard who is trying extremely hard to gas light you.

If you are in the England, I don’t think prenups are worth the paper they are written on. I might be wrong, but I would definitely check.

Yes, OP u know what you’ve seen, how he’s responded to being found out makes it worse, total lack of respect.

Followtheyellowbrickroad1 · 15/10/2023 22:43

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:32

He said nothing physical has ever happened and that it's banter.
She is a lot younger than us so apparently he's just acting younger to engage in conversation.

I made the point that kisses on messages and GM/GN messages everyday aren't a friend thing.

I agree that these messages would never been happily shared in a group

You sound very naive

Herne · 15/10/2023 22:44

He doesn't respect you, he said he's with you for the kids so he doesn't love you, why would you settle for that?

Leave him, and when you do, make sure her husband knows what his wife's been up to.

SlightlyJaded · 15/10/2023 23:13

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:26

I believe that he thinks he hasn't done anything. I know he has.

If it helps OP, no he doesn't

He know what's he been doing. He absolutely knows.

It doesn't matter if it has been acted on physically, he has been intimate with his sexual desires, his personal thoughts, dismissive comments about you for YEARS. Year. That is so fucking shit. If she turned up at the house whilst you were away and offered it on a plate - would he say 'no'? Of course he wouldn't.

He is not loyal to you and has not been since 2019

It's a pile of shit for you to navigate an exit but I don't see any alternative on this one. He has betrayed you massively. I am genuinely so sorry. Every time I read these posts, but anger and sorrow are so very visceral.

MsDogLady · 15/10/2023 23:24

@welshprincess1975, this is an appalling betrayal. It would be game over for me.

Your H is absolutely cheating, both emotionally and sexually. These two
self-serving, unethical Snakes have been making chumps of you, your DDs, and her H. He is continuing that agenda with his current downplaying and gaslighting. Re the sex-talk, LOL that ‘apparently he’s just acting younger to engage in conversation.’ His #1 goal is protecting their illicit relationship.

Your marriage is unsustainable, Princess. You now know that H is thinking of OW all day and night, even during sex, which she suggested. He has transferred his allegiance, so she is his go-to person and his primary emotional relationship. He uses you as a nanny, home appliance, and sex receptacle, but couldn’t care less about your agency, feelings or boundaries. His faithless behavior and unremorseful response to being rumbled scream disengagement and contempt.

He is NOT a good father. He’s a duplicitous, low-life father who has disrespected and demeaned his children’s mother with his emotional mistress for 2 years, thereby trashing his whole family and abusing the trust of all of you. What a terrible role model he is.

Princess, you cannot afford to underreact or be paralyzed by defeatist thinking. You must learn about your rights and options. You have plenty. Summon your anger and agency, and find a solicitor who offers a free 30 minute session. Marshal support from loved ones, and access IC to strengthen your self-esteem/boundaries and learn effective coping strategies as you make decisions. Also, check out the wisdom and advice on the survivinginfidelity site.

I agree with others that your having bipolar disorder is a red herring. The court knows that it’s a highly treatable condition, and I assume you consistently take your meds.

Regarding OW’s H, he too has been kept in the dark, so he absolutely deserves to have the same information that you do. I strongly advise you to inform him of their affair, using a platform that cannot be intercepted by OW. I would call him and then forward the evidence.

Keep posting here for support, @welshprincess1975. Flowers

Imagwine · 15/10/2023 23:38

Imagine what life will be like in ten years if you stay with him, twenty years etc.

saythatagaintome · 16/10/2023 00:08

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:13

Hello all.

Posted here for traffic.

Long time lurker.

Married for 12 years to H with 2 girls.

Went on his phone last night to check banking and found messages between him and a mutual friend.

Backstory
She is 17 years younger than us and has been a friend for over a decade. She is married and all are part of a larger friend group.

These messages seem to have been going on for over 2 years.
Lots of "xxx" on messages. Flirting, sex talk, photos (underwear etc from both) and everyday talk as well as more intimate deeper conversations. Even going as far as to say that he thinks they are more than friends and that they are each others person.
Every day and multiple times a day. Always starts with good morning and ends with night night.

He says it's friend talk and I'm overreacting and I think it's inappropriate and want him to block her.

OP, he’s cheating. That’s cheating.

if you’re okay with being in an open relationship, then that’s one thing. But your H is certainly, without a doubt, cheating on you. I’m so sorry

user1492757084 · 16/10/2023 00:12

Saying that the behaviour is not what you find to be loyal to your relationship and that it hurts you should be enough for it to stop.
He is not married to a generic woman; he is married to you.

He should absolutely care about what you feel, seek out how you feel and be proud to understand how you feel and to be able to allay your fears and keep you feeling solidly the one and only love of his life.

Ask him to cease the banter talk, of his own volition and because he understands that you don't like it and that it is fair for him to care about you most of all. Tell him that he should be able to stop and to not feel resentful at all for doing so.

If he can't, there is no reason to stay with this man.

Ramalangadingdong · 16/10/2023 00:51

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:18

@winniethedoo I said this. He said he was showing her his progress from the gym.

Well, out of respect for you he shouldn’t be doing that. And neither should she.

Did he say why she sent pics in her underwear and what he means about them being each other’s person and more than friends?

He is a cunt.

AmateurDad · 16/10/2023 01:48

Oh, shut the f up.

If you want to answer her question, answer her question. You don’t need to kick her while she’s down as well, do you?

JANEY205 · 16/10/2023 02:07

are you being financially abused too?! I’m very concerned about how you think you have no options. It really sounds like he’s been emotionally beating you down and lying to you for years about your finances too! YOU ARE ENTITLED TO PART OF THE HOUSE! Do you really think a judge will allow him to stay in the family home and leave you and your kids homeless? Please find your fire OP!

SequentialAnalyst · 16/10/2023 02:38

@welshprincess1975 You said upthread:

I want to hate him but I can't for some reason.
The person he is in the messages and the person I'm married to are completely different

I am so sorry this has happened. Unfortunately, I have seen threads like this all too often on MN.

The sad fact is that he is the same person - however, he is exhibiting two different behaviour patterns.

Your brain is not ready to accept this yet. That's OK. Just keep posting as and when you want. If you want to start a follow up thread, I suggest starting it on the Relationships board. There will still be blunt speaking posters, and ones who do not understand, but there are plenty of people on there who have been through what you are going through and come out the other side, and they will help you.

I am not saying all hope is lost for your marriage. But it will depend on him changing, and you being very clear on knowing what it is you want from a partner. I'm afraid such an outcome is a rarity, but it can happen.

At some point you will need to think about what you are prepared to do if he does not change. But not yet. Take your time. BrewBrew

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