Page 4 | Messages. AIBU or is he?

welshprincess1975 · 2023-10-15T13:13:09+00:00

Hello all. Posted here for traffic. Long time lurker. Married for 12 years to H with 2 girls. Went on his phone last night to check banking and found messages between him and a mutual friend. Backstory She is 17 years younger than us and has been a friend for over a decade. She is married and all are part of a larger friend group. These messages seem to have been going on for over 2 years. Lots of "xxx" on messages. Flirting, sex talk, photos (underwear etc from both) and everyday talk as well as more intimate deeper conversations. Even going as far as to say that he thinks they are more than friends and that they are each others person. Every day and multiple times a day. Always starts with good morning and ends with night night. He says it's friend talk and I'm overreacting and I think it's inappropriate and want him to block her.

chuffachuffchuff · 15/10/2023 15:15

That's cheating in my opinion. Ditch him.

Thebigblueballoon · 15/10/2023 15:15

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:09

She makes loaded comments that could be taken either way.

When we got together his family said I wasn't his usual type. And even his sister when she met her said she was exactly his type

If your husband was presented with the chance to physically cheat on you, do you think he would do it?
Whether your “friend” is interested in him or not is irrelevant. She clearly enjoys the attention regardless, and I suspect your husband would have his trousers down faster than you can blink if she encouraged him to take it to the next level.
If you stay and accept this behaviour, your husband is only going to continue as he has been for the last few years. In his warped brain, he’d probably see it as a green light to keep chatting, and possibly more.

Optionyougot · 15/10/2023 15:15

This is absolutely an emotional affair. You could insist he blocks her, but ultimately he'll more than likely do this again with someone else. I'm so sorry, he's an absolute arsehole and you deserve better.

Original poster

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:15

That the sex talk is banter and they are good friends but then he said in a message that they are more than mates.

I believe she is fully into the sex talk as she encourages and agrees with him about thinking about her when we have sex or he pleasures himself

OP posts:

LondonLass91 · 15/10/2023 15:17

OldPerson · 15/10/2023 14:31

WTF. Ha ha ha. The stupidity is incredulous. What does it take for some people? Because whatever people write, she'll still want to stay with DH, compromise, accept, keep denial, pretend a bunch of flowers is his acknowledgement of guilt or change ... absolutely never leave him. She wants him to block the woman more important than her???? They start every morning and end every day communicating??? They send photos in underwear. End it with dignity. Or don't end it with dignity. Just send the photos in their underwear around their wide social group and ask for input. But I suspect their wider social group already know of the inappropriate behaviour. And again she won't leave him. She'll "share" him. But she really ought to kick him out for at least a month, if she wants any bargaining power. Because nothing like the cold hard shock of divorce and losing half your assets and half your children's lives to make people wake up and think. But eventually, he'll go back to that affair or the next one, and she'll accept it.

I actually agree with this message.

Original poster

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:17

Physically I think he might. He said in more than one occasion they shouldn't be alone. He also said that he can't risk it with the girls

OP posts:

Hey12345 · 15/10/2023 15:17

The fact that the texts starts as soon as the day does, and the texts end in with good night too to me suggests it’s more than a friendship.

JesusHRooseveltChristAgain · 15/10/2023 15:17

You're mad if you buy any of his bullshit.
There's no innocent explanation here.

1month · 15/10/2023 15:18

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:51

He made comments about her body and what he would do to her. She seemed to think it was funny and asked if he would make her.

He would initiate it and she would make comments about it.

Such as having her in his knees begging and other things.

Like I said with me he is vanilla(?) and uninterested and acts like it's a duty but in the messages he says he wants to do things that he's never said to me

Hmmm 🤔

TookTheBook · 15/10/2023 15:18

The bit about them being more than just friends is enough evidence for you to tell him to fuck off! Don't even discuss any more with him. He is cheating.

LondonLass91 · 15/10/2023 15:18

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:17

Physically I think he might. He said in more than one occasion they shouldn't be alone. He also said that he can't risk it with the girls

And the excusing his behaviour has started..

Beckafett · 15/10/2023 15:19

I think you might need start thinking about this a different way. He is cheating on you with this woman. It might just be via messaging but he is actively pursuing her.
He's now trying to defend his actions and make you feel stupid for asking.

Dedsec2023 · 15/10/2023 15:19

@welshprincess1975 at best its looking like very close friends, in the middle its an emotional affair, at worst its a full affair

Buildingthefuture · 15/10/2023 15:20

My fucking god…..he told her he thinks of her when you and him have sex? And she encouraged that? They both need to be out of your life with immediate effect. And, you need to send it all to her husband. Pair of shit bags 🤬🤬🤬

Shoxfordian · 15/10/2023 15:21

How could you be the unreasonable one? He’s cheating on you; has been for years by the sound of it

Ella31 · 15/10/2023 15:21

He's gaslighting you. Tell him it's over.

TookTheBook · 15/10/2023 15:22

I don't understand how you defend in your own head him sexting? That's acceptable to you? Why? It's not a messaging or technology misunderstanding. Imagine he was saying this stuff in the phone or in person, would that be okay?

Dedsec2023 · 15/10/2023 15:22

OldPerson · 15/10/2023 14:31

WTF. Ha ha ha. The stupidity is incredulous. What does it take for some people? Because whatever people write, she'll still want to stay with DH, compromise, accept, keep denial, pretend a bunch of flowers is his acknowledgement of guilt or change ... absolutely never leave him. She wants him to block the woman more important than her???? They start every morning and end every day communicating??? They send photos in underwear. End it with dignity. Or don't end it with dignity. Just send the photos in their underwear around their wide social group and ask for input. But I suspect their wider social group already know of the inappropriate behaviour. And again she won't leave him. She'll "share" him. But she really ought to kick him out for at least a month, if she wants any bargaining power. Because nothing like the cold hard shock of divorce and losing half your assets and half your children's lives to make people wake up and think. But eventually, he'll go back to that affair or the next one, and she'll accept it.

but is it worth the disillusion of the family unit just because of an emotional affair or a very close friendship ?

Nanny0gg · 15/10/2023 15:23

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:20

We are currently away with the girls so I have no idea. I spoke to him last night and he's trying to convince me they are good friends and nothing would ever happen and that I am seeing things that aren't there.

They are cheating.

It might not have got beyond an emotional affair but it's still cheating.

How old are your girls and do you think you can come back from this (doubtful as he's gaslighting you)

I'm really sorry. You must be reeling

Finlesswonder · 15/10/2023 15:23

You sound weirdly unemotional about all this. Are you angry with her at least if you're blinded to him?

What do you plan on doing about it?

Original poster

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:24

She said just think of her when he has to have boring sex and he replied saying he has to think of her to make it stay up.

It started as friends. I could see that completely. Wasn't constant etc but up until yesterday it's been everyday

OP posts:

LongDarkTeatime · 15/10/2023 15:24

That is not a normal way to act within a committed relationship/ marriage. I have to agree with others that they are having an emotional affair. If they haven’t physically acted on it it’s probably to give them the ill-conceived defence that they’ve never ‘done anything’. They have betrayed both you and her DH with all those words, looks and time in each others heads.
He may still be deceiving himself that he hasn’t. But how would he feel if you’d done this with another man?
I’m so sorry OP. Take your time to decide what’s best for you.

Original poster

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:24

I am angry. I cannot even begin to think about her atm if I'm honest

OP posts:

Finlesswonder · 15/10/2023 15:25

@Dedsec2023
You think telling someone you wank over them when home alone is a "close friendship"?

Tiredmum100 · 15/10/2023 15:25

You are not crazy OP. I would be absolutely devastated if my dh did this, and I would divorce him. I dont think I could ever get over the level of decit or living with the worry he'd do it again. He's obviously going to gas light you now. He will make out you're crazy and they're just friends. It's all in your head. I'm sure if you text a male friend in the same way, he'd be absolutely fine about it. 🤔