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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messages. AIBU or is he?

339 replies

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:13

Hello all.

Posted here for traffic.

Long time lurker.

Married for 12 years to H with 2 girls.

Went on his phone last night to check banking and found messages between him and a mutual friend.

Backstory
She is 17 years younger than us and has been a friend for over a decade. She is married and all are part of a larger friend group.

These messages seem to have been going on for over 2 years.
Lots of "xxx" on messages. Flirting, sex talk, photos (underwear etc from both) and everyday talk as well as more intimate deeper conversations. Even going as far as to say that he thinks they are more than friends and that they are each others person.
Every day and multiple times a day. Always starts with good morning and ends with night night.

He says it's friend talk and I'm overreacting and I think it's inappropriate and want him to block her.

OP posts:
NotaCoolMum · 15/10/2023 14:35

Yeah. Your husband is having an affair and gaslighting the hell out of you.

happylittlesloth · 15/10/2023 14:35

"Friend talk" does not involve underwear

Brocollimatilda · 15/10/2023 14:35

Kisses wouldn’t worry me - the ‘each others person’ & underwear photos (on both sides??) would be huge red lines.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:35

I was thinking that blocking would be the first step. I know that separating is the best answer. Just one I haven't got my head around yet.

If I I am correct he has been doing this f"since 2018/2019 with her as that's when he really started pushing for a more friendly friendship with her and her family

OP posts:
Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:36

The photos were from him not her.

OP posts:
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 15/10/2023 14:36

KeepForgetting · 15/10/2023 14:21

He would have no problem with her husband seeing the messages then?

Totally this

Name99 · 15/10/2023 14:36

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:35

I was thinking that blocking would be the first step. I know that separating is the best answer. Just one I haven't got my head around yet.

If I I am correct he has been doing this f"since 2018/2019 with her as that's when he really started pushing for a more friendly friendship with her and her family

He will just find another way to contact her, blocking her is burying your head in the sand

HE IS CHEATING

Louisetopaz21 · 15/10/2023 14:37

I would not tolerate this especially given the longitude on this deception and the inappropriateness. I would be ending it x

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:38

I know ending it is the correct answer.

I'm not into technology and messaging etc so wanted opinions from other people.

OP posts:
happylittlesloth · 15/10/2023 14:39

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:38

I know ending it is the correct answer.

I'm not into technology and messaging etc so wanted opinions from other people.

But you know about underwear surely!

EmmaDilemma5 · 15/10/2023 14:41

Nah, this goes beyond blocking OP.

He's having an affair. It may not be physical, but it's a huge betrayal, disrespectful and totally inappropriate.

I couldn't stay with him. I wouldn't want to. You're worth more than that.

Do you have a group WhatsApp with all the friends? If so, I'd texting on their "hey, just wondering if anyone wants to swap sexts and pics of underwear with me on a daily basis? Husband and XXX seem to do this everyday "as mates" so I wondered if anyone else is up for it with me, seeing as that's what mates do."

The fact he's trying to say it's normal banter.is ridiculous. NO woman would be ok with this. Don't be a fool OP. All the best.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:41

Of course.

My point was that I wanted other's opinions on whether I am being crazy or not.
As people showing gym progress versus inappropriate underwear photos.

There were no photos of her that I could see

OP posts:
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 15/10/2023 14:42

Takes some pictures of the messages and post in your "WhatsApp group" with all friends and ask if people think they are appropriate.

Bet the answer isn't yes, they are just friends.

He is cheating on you

I bet all messages have been deleted another gaslighting tactic

Tandora · 15/10/2023 14:42

This is not “innapropriate”, they are having an affair! Sorry OP xx

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:43

I said was it an affair and did he love her. He laughed and ignored

OP posts:
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 15/10/2023 14:43

He is absolutely taking the piss by expecting you to fall for this 'it's just friend talk' bullshit. It's perfectly clear from your description that this is WAY beyond friend talk. I can't believe you could possibly think YABU.

jays · 15/10/2023 14:44

It’s not friend talk! It’s cheating! 100% and the gaslighting bastard knows it. I’m so sorry that not only has he done this but he’s now trying to get you to question your own sanity! I’d be round at her door he’d be out the door. That’s awful.

Yahyahs22 · 15/10/2023 14:44

I honestly can't believe you need other people's opinions on this. He told her he pleasured himself to her and you think the X's are a bit inappropriate? Tell her husband.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 15/10/2023 14:46

Tell him you are going away for 2 weeks to think about the future. Do it. Leave the kids with him to deal with. No prep, just go. Stay with parents, a friend, anywhere. Give him a taste of single parenthood.

SequinsandStiIettos · 15/10/2023 14:46

Emotional affair.
I'd be forwarding the chat to her husband.

1month · 15/10/2023 14:47

Sex talk and photos in their underwear??

Come on OP you know this isn’t what normal friends do.

Whats worse is that he’s not even admitting it and apologising, he’s trying to act like it’s normal!

Why not send one of your male friends a photo of you in your underwear and see if he has an issue with it.
He would of course have an issue with it as that’s not what ‘friends’ do.

Mydogmybestfriend · 15/10/2023 14:47

Inappropriate and extremely snakey

FoghornUnicorn · 15/10/2023 14:48

What’s all this about him commenting on her body parts and having conversations about what they would do? Sexual things? Were they both taking part or is he just making creepy comments about her?

EmmaDilemma5 · 15/10/2023 14:48

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:43

I said was it an affair and did he love her. He laughed and ignored

Looks like you need to pick your self esteem up off the floor.

Tinkerbyebye · 15/10/2023 14:51

That’s not friends talk. As a minimum it’s an emotional affair

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