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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messages. AIBU or is he?

339 replies

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:13

Hello all.

Posted here for traffic.

Long time lurker.

Married for 12 years to H with 2 girls.

Went on his phone last night to check banking and found messages between him and a mutual friend.

Backstory
She is 17 years younger than us and has been a friend for over a decade. She is married and all are part of a larger friend group.

These messages seem to have been going on for over 2 years.
Lots of "xxx" on messages. Flirting, sex talk, photos (underwear etc from both) and everyday talk as well as more intimate deeper conversations. Even going as far as to say that he thinks they are more than friends and that they are each others person.
Every day and multiple times a day. Always starts with good morning and ends with night night.

He says it's friend talk and I'm overreacting and I think it's inappropriate and want him to block her.

OP posts:
Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:51

He made comments about her body and what he would do to her. She seemed to think it was funny and asked if he would make her.

He would initiate it and she would make comments about it.

Such as having her in his knees begging and other things.

Like I said with me he is vanilla(?) and uninterested and acts like it's a duty but in the messages he says he wants to do things that he's never said to me

OP posts:
Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:52

He asked her to send photos if she wanted but I never saw any or any comments that said she did

OP posts:
SausageAndEggSandwich · 15/10/2023 14:53

He's cheating

It may not be physical but that level of intimacy and sex talk (my god!) is not just friends is it

I would be absolutely destroyed if my H was sending that kind of stuff to someone else

jays · 15/10/2023 14:55

You need to kick him out! And confront her! And I’d be posting the messages on the group chat as well. I know it’s horrible but he’s just laughing at you right now! Which is sick and cruel.

Scalottia · 15/10/2023 14:55

Sorry OP but you are really naïve. I would leave him and not look back.

Motomum23 · 15/10/2023 14:56

Seriously?! Your husband said he would have another woman on her knees begging and you will take it as banter?? My husband would have his bits handed to him on a silver platter for less.

Send a copy of the messages to her husband and see whether he thinks it's just banter!!

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:56

It wasn't all sex talk. But there was a constant level of intimacy there if you know what I mean.

Any news and they tell each other first, secrets, things I didn't know etc.

I am not mentioned in messages apart from where he apologised for my behaviour over something.

They asked about each others kids etc and other family members etc

OP posts:
FoghornUnicorn · 15/10/2023 14:56

That is so far beyond unacceptable I don’t know why you need to ask on here. I’d tell him to fuck right off.

Buildingthefuture · 15/10/2023 14:56

If anything, you are under reacting here op. I would go off the wall BATSHIT if I caught my DH doing shit like that? It’s rank, a massive betrayal and he bloody knows it, the shitbag, that is why he has hidden it. She can fuck off too - she isn’t your friend!

Piffle11 · 15/10/2023 14:57

If this woman’s husband just sits back, then that’s his problem. Make sure you don’t sit back. Your husband has been having an emotional affair for the last two years, and has told another woman that she is his person. Not you, his wife. You have confronted him, and rather than admit it and do the decent thing by his wife, he has tried to laugh it off, ignore you when you ask for more information, and basically gaslight you. If this woman was single or her marriage broke up, you will not see him for dust.

Get your ducks in order.

Littlegoth · 15/10/2023 14:58

He can fuck off and go and live with her then, can’t he? Her husband won’t have a problem as it’s normal friend behaviour.

I’m sorry he’s treating you this way x

jay55 · 15/10/2023 14:59

It doesn't really matter if it's an emotional affair or a physical one. His reaction is all about preserving the affair and not about making you feel better.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:01

She was the one defending me in some messages and she asked if I knew he would message her. He said no one knows or needs to know.
I know I'm silly

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 15/10/2023 15:02

I’m baffled you need to ask on this one, OP. 100% an affair. What an absolute shithead! And to call himself her “person” is despicable and heartbreaking. I wouldn’t be able to stay if my partner had done even a fraction of what you’ve mentioned.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:04

I suppose in the back of my mind I suspected something.
Last Christmas he convinced me to visit her before a friends get together and another mutual friend commented about how he looks at her. I brushed it off then but now I'm driving myself crazy about it.

I agree my self esteem needs working on.

OP posts:
WellIdontknowwhattocallmyself · 15/10/2023 15:04

Present the evidence to a divorce lawyer

funbags3 · 15/10/2023 15:07

So does she also say things to lead him on or is it all him?
From what you've written, he sounds like a dirty old letch.

skyeisthelimit · 15/10/2023 15:07

OP, this is 100% cheating and there is 100% no other way to explain it off.

it is not just banter. He is exchanging sex talk with another woman who is much younger than him. She hasn't brushed him off or blocked him so clearly likes it.

I would ask him to leave now. and when people ask why, tell them exactly what he was doing.

He is messaging her all day every day. She is the one that he is thinking about, not you.

DO NOT let him gaslight you in any way. This is not OK on any level, this is not acceptable on any level.

WhatsitWiggle · 15/10/2023 15:09

It sounds like an emotional affair on his side. From experience, there's no coming back from this unless he wants to commit to your marriage. The fact he's dismissing it as banter shows a lack of respect for you. Get out now, don't waste any more of your life on this idiot.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:09

She makes loaded comments that could be taken either way.

When we got together his family said I wasn't his usual type. And even his sister when she met her said she was exactly his type

OP posts:
BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 15/10/2023 15:10

It sounds like he has fully compartmentalised this so that he’s able to carry on with a relationship with you while messaging her like this for several years. It sounds more emotional than physical if there’s nothing in the messages that confirms they’ve had sex. What it sounds like is his interest is giving her an ego boost so she’s going along with it but not fully reciprocating with pics etc. He, on the other hand, sounds like he’s just waiting for her to give him the signal. His head is with her, but continuing with normality with you is his safety. So, if he’s not prepared to be truthful and cut her off entirely then there’s no future with him because I’d be suspicious that the only reason he hasn’t left is simply because he hasn’t had the encouragement to do so. You deserve better than new lies and deception on top of long-standing ones.

EvilElsa · 15/10/2023 15:12

He's cheating. The comments about you being "vanilla" is just the icing on the cake for me -I wouldn't even consider trying to make the marriage work. Fucking knob.
You deserve SO much better than this dirty old letch.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 15/10/2023 15:12

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:18

@winniethedoo I said this. He said he was showing her his progress from the gym.

And what did he say about the sex talk?? You absolutely need to leave him.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:13

He said he's with me for the girls.

She seems interested and encourages it.

OP posts:
Chickychoccyegg · 15/10/2023 15:14

Lol, what good would blocking her do? He's been cheating on you for 2 years, you need to get angry , He's completely taking the piss, trying to gaslight you .