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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messages. AIBU or is he?

339 replies

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:13

Hello all.

Posted here for traffic.

Long time lurker.

Married for 12 years to H with 2 girls.

Went on his phone last night to check banking and found messages between him and a mutual friend.

Backstory
She is 17 years younger than us and has been a friend for over a decade. She is married and all are part of a larger friend group.

These messages seem to have been going on for over 2 years.
Lots of "xxx" on messages. Flirting, sex talk, photos (underwear etc from both) and everyday talk as well as more intimate deeper conversations. Even going as far as to say that he thinks they are more than friends and that they are each others person.
Every day and multiple times a day. Always starts with good morning and ends with night night.

He says it's friend talk and I'm overreacting and I think it's inappropriate and want him to block her.

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 15/10/2023 15:51

Of course he doesn’t believe emotional affairs are a thing, because then he’d be having an affair but this way he doesn’t have to take any responsibility for his actions or change. What a horrible human he is.

Antst · 15/10/2023 15:51

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:45

He doesn't believe emotional affairs are a thing. As he said.

He's standing by them being just good friends.

I know he's gas lighting I just am a mess right now.

I don't know which bit pushed me over the edge tbh

Don't let him gaslight you. He doesn't have to say he believes emotional affairs exist. You know they do and that he's in one.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 15/10/2023 15:55

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 15/10/2023 15:10

It sounds like he has fully compartmentalised this so that he’s able to carry on with a relationship with you while messaging her like this for several years. It sounds more emotional than physical if there’s nothing in the messages that confirms they’ve had sex. What it sounds like is his interest is giving her an ego boost so she’s going along with it but not fully reciprocating with pics etc. He, on the other hand, sounds like he’s just waiting for her to give him the signal. His head is with her, but continuing with normality with you is his safety. So, if he’s not prepared to be truthful and cut her off entirely then there’s no future with him because I’d be suspicious that the only reason he hasn’t left is simply because he hasn’t had the encouragement to do so. You deserve better than new lies and deception on top of long-standing ones.

This

AInightingale · 15/10/2023 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

therealcookiemonster · 15/10/2023 15:55

he is cheating. end of. and this is not a one off 'I was drunk and made a mistake' ... he has been having a full on affair.

I am so sorry you are going through this. there is no coming back .... you can torture yourself and drag this out, or for the sake of your sanity and therefore your children's well being - make a clean break.

Youarethemasterofyourdestiny · 15/10/2023 15:56

Had to stop reading your replies on page 1. C'mon, are you really going to let him gaslight and manipulate you. He is cheating. No other way about it. Sounds like he manipulates and gaslights you quite often and therefore thinks he will easily get away with this and you will believe his shit.. If its just banter etc he won't mind you screenshotting all the messages, sending it into the group chats and to her husband and asking for their input on the matter.

mommatoone · 15/10/2023 15:57

OP - The fact that someone mentioned to you at Xmas ' they way he looked at her', suggests to me that you might be the last to find out about this! Im so sorry.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:57

@AInightingale
I have been a member for years. I don't post but I have commented.

I remember all the classic threads (naice ham, penis beaker etc)
I'm mostly on the unexplained and homeschool threads.

OP posts:
Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:58

@mommatoone
I thought this also thinking back I brushed it off as we were at a party and they were just chatting and my friend lent over and mentioned it and gave me the eye

OP posts:
Coldinscotland · 15/10/2023 15:58

Next opportunity add lots of people to make a group chat. See if he sends her any messages before he clocks what you have done...

funbags3 · 15/10/2023 15:59

@welshprincess1975 Love the unexplained threads.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:59

We do have a big group WhatsApp chat with most of us on. Funnily enough they have never really spoke in there

OP posts:
therealcookiemonster · 15/10/2023 15:59

ps all my friends except a couple are men. they are like my brothers. if any of them ever sent me a message even close to what you are describing, I would shut it down and distance myself. if he was married, I would totally lose respect for such a man. never in all my life, have my male friends even in our most politically incorrect banter made sexual comments about me and vice versa. it's just not acceptable.

Consideringachange2023 · 15/10/2023 15:59

The lack of disrespect he is showing you here is staggering.
How utterly repellent it is when a creepy little man tries to gaslight their partner over OBVIOUS cheating. It may not be physical but it is a betrayal nonetheless.

for me it’d be over immediately. I could never respect a person like this, it’s not even about trust, it’s the fact he thinks he’s so fucking clever that he can belittle you, gaslight you and treat you like you’re stupid.

Buildingthefuture · 15/10/2023 16:01

I don’t think him telling her that he thinks about her during sex with you is “just” an emotional affair? Can you ask him to look you in the eye and tell you that he would be ok with you doing that? Having sex with him, then messaging one of your mutual friends and saying you thought about him during it? He will not be able to do that, because it’s just bullshit. He has been compartmentalising beautifully for more than 2 years, so his reaction is to be excepted. It is going to take him some time to see what he has lost. And he HAS lost. He has lost your trust, your respect and more than likely, your love. And for what? Some seedy messages and wank fodder, with someone as insecure and morally bankrupt as he is. He is absolutely the loser here.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 16:01

Tbh the messages I have told you all about aren't the worst ones. But for the sake of my sanity I won't repeat them

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 15/10/2023 16:02

She said just think of her when he has to have boring sex and he replied saying he has to think of her to make it stay up.

How can you let him touch you again after that? What a bloody insult! And absolute proof that he despises you.

He may be exaggerating his feelings for her, and his dislike of you, to keep her feeding his ego by sexting. But he genuinely has no love or respect for you. He makes it worse by lying to you so he can continue cheating in peace.

Whether they’ve rubbed their bodies together or not, he is unfaithful to you. I don’t see how you can stay married.

Think of your DDs. Do you want them growing up with an openly unfaithful father and a martyr mother?

FarEast · 15/10/2023 16:02

He says it's friend talk and I'm overreacting and I think it's inappropriate and want him to block her.

You're right & he's lying/gaslighting/minimising.

It's an emotional affair. He needs to make a choice.

Sumtimesiamgreen · 15/10/2023 16:02

Ask him to let you message her from his phone. Suggest a date, see how that goes. There’s your answer because even if it’s just an emotional affair, which it is at the least from what you say, they are definitely showing you they cannot be trusted and would act on their mutual investment in each other.
Having said all that…. I’d bin him off for sniffing round another woman all that time.

pizzaHeart · 15/10/2023 16:03

KeepForgetting · 15/10/2023 14:21

He would have no problem with her husband seeing the messages then?

This^

Dedsec2023 · 15/10/2023 16:04

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:45

He doesn't believe emotional affairs are a thing. As he said.

He's standing by them being just good friends.

I know he's gas lighting I just am a mess right now.

I don't know which bit pushed me over the edge tbh

so because in his view until he has actual dance with no pants, then at the moment they are really close friends ?

Dedsec2023 · 15/10/2023 16:04

i guess then its down to interpretation

Planesmistakenforstars · 15/10/2023 16:04

He would have no problem with her husband seeing the messages then?

This with bells on. He also shouldn't have a problem with his family seeing them. Or yours. Or your mutual friends.

Dedsec2023 · 15/10/2023 16:05

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 16:01

Tbh the messages I have told you all about aren't the worst ones. But for the sake of my sanity I won't repeat them

are these the eg more descriptive of if they had the chance they would like to do x etc ?

cartagenagina · 15/10/2023 16:05

I wouldn’t bother telling him to block her. I would have sent the messages to her husband and packed his bags.

How stupid does he think you are? He has no respect for you whatsoever.

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