meltdown triggered and evening spoilt by saying no to chips and rice

[reallybad]

Ds13 (adhd/asd) had been looking forward to going to a particular restaurant with a family member. We get there and ds asks if he can order his usual favorites and chips. I told him he didn't need chips as well and that was the last straw for him. He shut down, would not speak to anyone or eat anything and put himself to bed as soon as he got home.

Obviously if I'd known that was going to happen I would likely have said yes to the chips. We all had a totally miserable evening and it was heartbreaking to ses DS so overwhelmed when he'd been looking forward to it for so long.

The chips thing was actually the last straw, we were sitting at the wrong table, and the restaurant was also too busy apparently. These things also contributed to him feeling overwhelmed but I'm getting the blame from ds/dh for the whole thing for being mean/controlling.

I'm now trying to understand how wrong I was. It really feels right to me to discourage anyone from ordering chips and rice (on top of starters and a main dish). Also it feels wrong to just say yes to anything DS asks for incase he has a meltdown although obviously i don't want him to have a meltdown.

I feel like I really don't have a clue anymore

You need to not go on a busy night. Request the right table. And let him eat what he wants to prevent a melt down.

For a one off I would've let him get on with it.

I think in a restaurant it really is perfectly reasonable to let people eat what they want.

I know there are all kinds of social rules about what goes with what, but I do think you were unreasonable.

If he wants chips and rice and that makes him happy let him eat them.

Yeah - lesson hard learnt as I did with my now 22yr old dd who is autistic. I have multiple children with autism and ones with ADHD too. As you now understand the chips weren't that important in the big scheme of things. But just to add your ds isn't anyone - he's your son and disabled. You have to make reasonable adjustments at all times (even when they don't seem reasonable to you) xx

Sometimes these things just happen- I have an autistic son, and I’ve learnt that I just can’t prevent every meltdown, moment of overwhelm or potential issue. It’s very hard, and I too am reluctant to agree to everything DS asks for just in case it sets him off. Sometimes I try to do the right thing, prevent every issue and foresee every possible problem and then the restaurant already has someone sitting at our table (am I meant to ask someone mid meal to move?!), or there’s a birthday group being loud, or they’ve run out of the apparently essential garlic bread. It’s not DS fault when that causes a meltdown, but it’s not mine either. Tell your husband to be more supportive and less of a prat - I doubt he’s never inadvertently upset your son.

My only other tip OP is I do generally discuss with DS what he’s going to eat at a restaurant ahead of time so he has time to make his choices and I have time/space to say “no” without it being in the middle of a busy restaurant. Not always possible tho.

Sometimes you win sometimes you lose.

you can try your best, predict meltdowns, look for early warnings and still get it wrong.

I think your problem was emotionally responding to the shut down. That was there way of coping - your worrying or being bothered by it didn’t add anything it just ruined your evening.

tell your kid today you’re proud of them for not disrupting other diners when they were upset and ask if there’s anything you can both do differently next time

Try to think about it like loading items in the game of Buckaroo. It doesn't really matter what the actual object is that overloads the system, it's just that it's one thing too many!

Going out is stressful, other people are stressful, making choices is stressful, the noise in the restaurant is stressful, coping with changes in expectations is stressful (wrong table) etc. At the point of ordering food your ds was ready to spring. And not being allowed his chips was the thing that triggered shut down.

Lessons about healthy eating can be learned in neutral situations at home or school.

I feel for you and understand as a parent of autistic dd

I think if you knew he was already struggling because you were at the wrong table etc. then it really wasn't the hill to die on. As a general rule I wouldn't interfere with someone else's food choices in a one-off or 'treat' situation.

But, as you've said, you didn't realise this was going to be the straw that broke the camels back. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

You all need to move on and hope for a better outcome next time. You could probably me more aware of his triggers and he can work on communicating his needs better.

If it was a financial thing and you couldn’t afford for him to have an additional side then you should have discussed it with him beforehand, so he would understand. But it sounds like you just said no for the sake of it. Someone could have split a rice portion with him, so he could have chips and I’m sure someone would have been happy to have a few chips so nothing goes to waste. It’s a meal out, it should be relaxed and fun and he should order what he wants as long as it is within your budget.

You knew he was at a tipping point, thing we’re already uneasy for him. What were you trying to win by saying no? He didn’t meltdown over the table change or the busy restaurant. He held himself together and was going to sit through the meal OK. That should have been rewarded with a portion of chips fgs.

When he is outside of his comfort zone and you can see things are getting hard but he is managing, why aren’t you rewarding that or at least making the rest of the meal easier for him?

I do think you should apologise to your family for turning the night into a bad situation.

The restaurant being busy and the wrong table were things outside of anyones control but he wanted to order something and you said no and overruled his choice

sometimes meltdowns happen but why does it feel right to discourage the one thing in the environment he had control over. It was his choice to make and in a situation where he was already forced into things he didn’t like he needed that choice to take back control.

you don’t say yes to everything, you can’t change tables or put other people out, learning that you can’t control the world and environment is important. But so is saying yes to the th8ngs you and he can controlling

Ahh it’s hard isn’t it, we can’t always predict these situations. Sometimes even the anticipation and excitement of a ‘treat’ can cause anxiety.
It’s probably best to talk through in advance what might happen and agree choices where possible. Asking for chips and rice seems like a very small request and not something I would have personally argued about. If they are ‘safe foods’ it might have been very important to him to feel happy back in control of his special meal.

I can't see a problem with chips and rice and I don't have a ND child.

I think when you know he gets overwhelmed with eating out due to being ND, its ok to do whatever you have to for your son to feel as ok as he can, which then means everyone else has a better time as well.

The time to be concerned about eating healthily or not eating too much, is not the time when your son is in an environment where he is more likely to get overwhelmed. Save that for at home, where the environment is 'safer' for your son.

Your husband shouldn't be continuing to blame you though. A conversation about how to make things go better next time is all that is needed.

💐

@reallybad massive squishes. I’ve lived through this with my youngest although he’s now 23 and can manage situations himself.

we avoided busy times and discussed coping mechanisms in advance.

so many ear plugs available nowadays to minimise overwhelming noise - I use these as I struggle with noisy places and they help me manage at gigs and concerts. I can still talk and hear but it makes it manageable. I use Loop and they now have children’s ones.

I got my DS to pack a coping bag. So it had in things he could fiddle with to distract himself with. His card collection - Yu-Gi o, a magazine, a little Nintendo gameboy.

In future if chips and rice is in the budget I’d just get it. Or if he’s agreeable ask him if we can get rice for now and if he’s still hungry we can get chips to take home? Or does he like the two together. Mine had to have certain things together. Separate would not do.

basically it’s just how it is - does he realise that certain things trigger him and can he/you talk about it calmly as to how you can all find ways to cope with it? Don’t ask him to come up with all the answers as that may be overwhelming. Some ideas from you like - what if when we can’t sit at your favourite table - does picking which seat position at the alternative table help. Does he pick tables that are in quieter areas without lots of people going past? Identify what the common theme is and will help a lot.

Autistic doesn't mean they just get what they want. There need to be boundaries so you were right to say no to chips.

I go through then menu beforehand with my DS so he doesn't have to deal with menu stress as he cannot cope with choice!

I think if there are going to be restrictions on what can be eaten/ordered for whatever reason, they should be discussed beforehand.

We don’t go out often, so I usually just go with the flow with whatever everyone orders.
But if I need to keep a handle on spending, I have been known to say beforehand that we are not having pudding at the restaurant, but will instead all choose a chocolate bar up to the value of Y from X shop afterwards. Or that everyone can have one drink from the menu, but any other drinks need to be tap water.
My DC like to know things like that in advance, so they can plan.

It's never about the chips. It's about being organised and teaching your child good routines to help them cope. If you have a child with behavioural challenges .... Download the menu, so you can discuss beforehand great food choices to make and look forward to and also cost planning/budgeting. Your child can do this life-long when it becomes a habit. Go in half terms and holidays, rather than at the weekend, so it's quieter. Contact the restaurant to make sure you can book a specific table. He can also do this in later life. Discuss what you're going to wear beforehand, so no stress on the night. If your child is challenged - you need to give them a skillset and routines and also experience and confidence to cope.

For the record

We only heard that the table was 'wrong' this morning. We'd sat at the same table the last time and there was no talk of it being wrong.

He chose the time to visit the restaurant, he likes to go at peak evening time. I will definitely be asking him to reconsider next time.

There was no indication to me at least that he was anywhere near tipping point before it was too late.

Also, for complete context he goes to restaurants a lot and he gets a lot of takeaways. This particular meal was not a financial problem, but the amount of take away food he demands is becoming a problem and he usually orders more than he can eat.

I apologised to him immediately and said that we could order chips but it was too late then. I apologised to everyone else too.

I am annoyed at DH for actively blaming me on our way home

I am having to unlearn everything I thought I knew about being a parent - it is hard

Thanks for the empathy

It does sound like choosing from the menu well before you go could avoid similar in the future.

Fwiw I agree with you regarding the amount of food, especially if it ends up being left. Alternatively a lot of restaurants are happy to package up significant left overs to be taken home but that will depend whether your ds is happy with leftovers.

Either way, agreeing beforehand takes the argument away from the meal and allows everybody to be clear beforehand.

It wouldn't have crossed my mind to say no to the chips, given that it's a one-off meal in a restaurant?

My kids used to order all kinds of strange combinations and as long as they actually ate what they ordered, it got nothing more than an eye-roll from me.

A portion of chips wouldn't have hurt, even if he'd only had two (or eaten the lot).

The one thing that could have been familiar, he likes and could have got him through all the other discomforts that he was clearly doing his best to handle, you told him he didn't 'need'. Well, he clearly did need to have them and to have his wants/needs respected, as you ruined his evening.

In the great scheme of things, neurodiverse or neurotypical, back off criticising and dictating food choices in a restaurant setting. Nobody benefits from having what they want to eat publicly criticised.

@reallybad

you didn’t do anything wrong Op.

its part of parenting to put in boundaries and limits.

no one needs chips on top of a main dish, rice and starters - you’d make yourself sick! Not to mention it’s expensive!

I wouldn't tantalise any child by taking them out to a restaurant and then not letting them eat what they want. It's supposed to be a treat. Healthy eating is for at home. But you're only human.

It’s not your fault OP. It was just a series of unfortunate events that lead to the shutdown. It’s impossible to make the right decision every single time and even us parents who have NT kids makes mistakes that cause similar reactions. It sounds like it was an evening out that you were all looking forward to and when it didn’t go to plan instead of blaming it on a ND child your husband put the blame on you. If anyone has done anything wrong here it’s him.

I am annoyed at DH for actively blaming me on our way home

This is biggest problem out of the lot.

I tell my ND children they need to calm themselves as much as they can. If ds wanted to be left alone in the corner to process, then that's fine - no reason why the rest of the family should be having a go at you because you said no to something that wouldn't usually be a big deal. Your dh should support you, or shut up and talk to you about it later away from the children.

I also wouldn't be going at peak times in the future regardless of if that's his preference - he obviously couldn't cope.