meltdown triggered and evening spoilt by saying no to chips and rice

[reallybad]

Ds13 (adhd/asd) had been looking forward to going to a particular restaurant with a family member. We get there and ds asks if he can order his usual favorites and chips. I told him he didn't need chips as well and that was the last straw for him. He shut down, would not speak to anyone or eat anything and put himself to bed as soon as he got home.

Obviously if I'd known that was going to happen I would likely have said yes to the chips. We all had a totally miserable evening and it was heartbreaking to ses DS so overwhelmed when he'd been looking forward to it for so long.

The chips thing was actually the last straw, we were sitting at the wrong table, and the restaurant was also too busy apparently. These things also contributed to him feeling overwhelmed but I'm getting the blame from ds/dh for the whole thing for being mean/controlling.

I'm now trying to understand how wrong I was. It really feels right to me to discourage anyone from ordering chips and rice (on top of starters and a main dish). Also it feels wrong to just say yes to anything DS asks for incase he has a meltdown although obviously i don't want him to have a meltdown.

I feel like I really don't have a clue anymore

So if he'd wanted 4 puddings and no main, he should get that?

Exactly. It's fine to set limits.

If it’s a restaurant then surely it’s a treat and for the person to eat what they enjoy? Im
not a huge ‘chips’ person but when enjoying a food treat then for me that means carbs. When ordering a curry I’ll have rice, chips, nann, the lot - because it’s a treat.

My children are autistic so I’m quite versed in very limited tastes. In fact just this evening I’ve had a millionth telling off from my eldest when reviewing the school menu for the week - the infamous chicken wrap incident that will never be forgotten or forgiven. It may seem ‘ridiculous’ to people from the outside but this is the fact of living with autism, food can cause huge contention and sometimes it’s simply not worth it. Especially when you can see a meltdown is about to be triggered.

I know it's not the case here but it almost reads like having a meltdown because someone said no.

4 puddings is not the same (unless it is a 4 mini pudding dessert) because that isn’t something that is expected

a side order of chips/double carbs is a completely normal thing to do at a restaurant

• one I suspect most of us have done at some point in time

and also yes he probably did in part have a meltdown because she said no but how many of us having being looking forward to something wouldn’t get upset when someone said no to it

it is fine to decide that the restaurant was going to be a teachable moment of saying actually you do need to learn not to overdo it and order to much but then you also have to accept any expected consequences and if it does ruin the night that is on you.

the OP seemed to think it could be imposed without any pushback which seems odd as most of us have had pushback on this by the time our child is 13

Sorry if this has been mentioned already but if the restaurant you went to was Nando's then you're being totally unreasonable as it's completely normal to have both there. I would probably have offered to share (if money an issue) and one get rice and the other get chips and share them.

Why not, if it’s a one-off and he’s going to eat it? To me, a meal out is a treat, not an exercise in healthy eating.

As an adult, I’d order that if I wanted it. I mean, I’m unlikely to as I’m not a big fan of pudding, but I’ve had a selection of starters and no main in the past. It’s just food 🤷‍♀️

Some autistic children have the opposite problem. Mine overeat.

4 puddings sounds great!

<autistic overeater raises hand> 🖐

So difficult trying yo negotiate so many different expectations and situations. Unsure where you are based but most restaurants around me do "1/2 and 1/2" so half chips/half rice in one side dish. You can also get "1/2 and 1/2" potato and veg - could be worth asking?

Why second guess the OP? The incident is over—what remains is figuring out what works for her family going forward! Every family with nd kids seems to have slightly different issues w/r/t these situations, food, etc… so though its well meaning its silly to keep suggesting next time she let the kid order a half and half or share. Its done. And there is no telling if that compromise would appeal to the ds.

Is it likely he had pre-planned what he was going to order.

If I was going to my favourite restaurant and I had already decided what I wanted and was looking forward to it, I would also be upset to be told I couldn't have it.