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Original poster

meltdown triggered and evening spoilt by saying no to chips and rice

187 replies

reallybad · 15/10/2023 12:38

Ds13 (adhd/asd) had been looking forward to going to a particular restaurant with a family member. We get there and ds asks if he can order his usual favorites and chips. I told him he didn't need chips as well and that was the last straw for him. He shut down, would not speak to anyone or eat anything and put himself to bed as soon as he got home.

Obviously if I'd known that was going to happen I would likely have said yes to the chips. We all had a totally miserable evening and it was heartbreaking to ses DS so overwhelmed when he'd been looking forward to it for so long.

The chips thing was actually the last straw, we were sitting at the wrong table, and the restaurant was also too busy apparently. These things also contributed to him feeling overwhelmed but I'm getting the blame from ds/dh for the whole thing for being mean/controlling.

I'm now trying to understand how wrong I was. It really feels right to me to discourage anyone from ordering chips and rice (on top of starters and a main dish). Also it feels wrong to just say yes to anything DS asks for incase he has a meltdown although obviously i don't want him to have a meltdown.

I feel like I really don't have a clue anymore

OP posts:
WeeStyleIcon · 15/10/2023 13:41

I was so afraid of my autistic son's reactions and emotions that I tried to accommodate/generate his wishes/capitulate et cetera, all to avoid an explosive emotional reaction.

He is 17 now and I feel I should have said no a lot more often. Wrong beaker, wrong cereal bar, wrong seat on the couch, wrong restaurant, shrug enormous SHRUG or leave without food. Problem is, every body else around you suffers or if you leave, you lose too.

So it's very difficult to look in to the future when you/re tired, frustrated and hungry

GreenhouseGarden · 15/10/2023 13:41

I wouldn’t have ordered the chips either. I don’t like food waste.

DS2 (has ADHD) frequently tries to order too much. So what we do is he eats what he first orders and if he is still hungry and still fancies the other items he can have them for pudding.

PurpleOrchid42 · 15/10/2023 13:42

Look, it's not your fault. He's autistic, that's why it happened. You can't blame yourself for the fact that he doesn't think the same way. Just lesson learned.

Chocolatepumpkin · 15/10/2023 13:43

We always share chips and rice between 2 or have rice and share chips around the table.
I thought that was normal etiquette when having a curry? I would never think twice about someone wanting both, especially at that age my son is eating constantly at the minute as he's growing so much and is forever hungry

Thegoodbadandugly · 15/10/2023 13:44

Op Saturday evening is the busiest night of the week for eateries, if your child struggles with busy places why would you take him there?

megletthesecond · 15/10/2023 13:45

The food was not a battle you needed to win.
But it's not easy to get things right a lot of the time with kids with special needs. I'm always looking back and thinking I should have done X differently.

Folklore9074 · 15/10/2023 13:45

OP don't beat yourself up.

You can't prevent every meltdown. And yes, he is not neurotypical and allowances have to be made but in life situations present themselves that are less than ideal and we have to learn to be resilient to them. He's also a teenager and they are sometimes just grumpy/moody.

Maybe next time, just let him have the chips but for now stop apologizing. You could have given him the chips and he'd have had the meltdown anyway. Your DH needs to be on your team as well I think.

Droppit · 15/10/2023 13:46

Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it. All you're trying to do is the best thing. You sound like a good mum to me. Don't let DH make you feel bad about this.

xyz111 · 15/10/2023 13:46

Maybe next time discuss what food choices there are beforehand, and agree what will be ordered. It will take that "surprise" element away. I also sometimes really think about I word something. So instead of "no you can't have chips", I would say if you have chips, you will be so full you won't have space for dessert. So shall we leave the chips so you can have dessert?" It helps as it then seems their decision rather than being told what to do, which causes anxiety.

Sausagepickle123 · 15/10/2023 13:50

If it hadn’t been the chips then perhaps something else might have tipped him over the edge? My ASD son could have coped with the chips thing when out but only if everything else ok (and he really goes nuts if the toilets are unisex). I would just give him the chips next time but this really isn’t your fault it could have been anything that topped him over.

anyway as an aside my ASD son used to ask for a beer in restaurants: clearly had to say no to that and deal with the consequences. Although this phase was put to an end by a kind Spanish waiter who served apple juice in a beer glass…..

LivingOnAPear · 15/10/2023 13:50

It's so hard (I have an asd adhd child too). You are under constant pressure that other people don't always understand and you can't always forsee things and make the perfect decision every time. If you hadn't said anything about the chips then it might have been something else. We've had issues when we've looked at the menu in advance and DD has chosen her food but then we've got to the restaurant and it's sold out.

Doesn't sound like your DH was being very helpful.

willWillSmithsmith · 15/10/2023 13:53

WhateverMate · 15/10/2023 13:11

It wouldn't have crossed my mind to say no to the chips, given that it's a one-off meal in a restaurant?

My kids used to order all kinds of strange combinations and as long as they actually ate what they ordered, it got nothing more than an eye-roll from me.

I don’t even worry about them (or me) not eating it all as it can be taken home. Admittedly though mine aren’t ND so I can appreciate it must be a minefield sometimes.

caban · 15/10/2023 13:54

I don't let my kids order or eat whatever they want either. It's fine to have boundaries.
Just because you are in a restaurant doesn't mean you have to let children have whatever they want.

Also, it isn't always possible to head off a melt down and you can't just walk on eggshells to avoid ever upsetting a child. That's not good for anyone.

MidnightMeltdown · 15/10/2023 13:54

I don't know much about adhd/asd but it seems odd to me that you would give in to whatever your child demands simply to prevent a meltdown.

Surprised that so many people think that chips and rice is ok. No wonder we have such a problem with childhood obesity.

diddl · 15/10/2023 13:57

We always share chips and rice between 2 or have rice and share chips around the table.
I thought that was normal etiquette when having a curry?

There's etiquette when having curry?

We never have chips with curry-guess we are just etiquetteless!

Sugargliderwombat · 15/10/2023 13:58

Ah OP I really feel for you. Your OH shouldn't be placing blame because I'm sure he is far from perfect.

1month · 15/10/2023 13:59

I completely understand why you said no.

If he is given into all of the time he’s going to end up very spoilt and unable to cope when he’s older and can’t get everything his own way.

But that also means he spoils everyone else’s nice time.

Perhaps as a compromise you could get a portion of chips for the table to share.
So he’s sort of getting what he wants but also not.

I sorry your evening was ruined and I’m sorry your DH blamed you for it.
Of course it wasn’t your fault.

1month · 15/10/2023 14:02

MidnightMeltdown · 15/10/2023 13:54

I don't know much about adhd/asd but it seems odd to me that you would give in to whatever your child demands simply to prevent a meltdown.

Surprised that so many people think that chips and rice is ok. No wonder we have such a problem with childhood obesity.

The trouble is is if you say no and it triggers a meltdown then it ruins the entire evening.

And if it’s for a special occasion like a siblings birthday then it’s really difficult because you want the day to be about them and not have to worry about meltdowns and having to leave.

But if you keep giving in to them it makes them spoiled and entitled and they will kick off, knowing they get their own way.

It is such a difficult balance.

Floralnomad · 15/10/2023 14:02

Unless he’s massively overweight I’d have ordered the chips . Unless it was a particularly posh restaurant most chains will happily let you box up leftovers . We were in Nando’s at Cobham services last week on our way home and I boxed up an entire portion of chips and my husband had them when I got in with his tea . ( he wasn’t with us ) .

AnnaMagnani · 15/10/2023 14:03

Another day, when you aren't going to go out to a restaurant or have takeaway, try discussing his food ordering with him and why he orders more food than he can eat. You could also try getting him to think about what time he wants to go given his preferred time is very busy.

He may have a good reason, he may not have recognised he does it but it is worth both of you prepping for the next time.

If you took the food home boxed would that be wrong for example? How does he feel about it being wasted?

But definitely don't do it in an already stressed situation.

Jewelspun · 15/10/2023 14:04

Why would you refuse a teenager chips? At that age they eat lots!

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/10/2023 14:04

DonnaBanana · 15/10/2023 13:22

I sympathise but he has a disability. It’s like saying to someone in a wheelchair that they can’t be hoisted into the swimming pool because it’s an inconvenience for everyone else. I can see why he might be upset

@DonnaBanana

saying to extra chips to an autistic teen is in no way, shape or form anything like saying no to a hoist for a person in a wheelchair, ffs!!

what if he wanted another portion of chips after that?! Or two deserts?? Should OP keeping saying yes, yes, yes just because he has autism?!

YourNan · 15/10/2023 14:06

It must be hard being a parent of an autistic child. I am a person with ASD and think it would have been nice for your ds to have chips and rice if that's his thing, but you did what you felt was right as a parent.
As a adult, I only like my food served in a pasta bowl if I'm honest b/c plates are a bit too flat. Do you remember that fad of restaurants serving food on a bit of board or slate! Couldn't cope with them. :)
Anyway, I digress. Do your ds chips and rice for tea! 😋

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/10/2023 14:07

Thegoodbadandugly · 15/10/2023 13:44

Op Saturday evening is the busiest night of the week for eateries, if your child struggles with busy places why would you take him there?

@Thegoodbadandugly

because if you read the thread that’s when he wanted to go!

Mummy08m · 15/10/2023 14:07

It's really not your fault. You couldn't have predicted that what you'd said would lead to a meltdown. And in fact, it wouldn't have in isolation.

Definitely only go at non-peak times in future but that's the only change I'd make going forward. Don't overthink everything else, you'll walk on eggshells around your son which would be such a shame.

It's your son who should be apologising to everyone around the table, not you. I say this as someone who gets sensory overwhelm in restaurants too sometimes. I know I'm an adult, but still, it's my job to emotionally regulate myself, not everyone else's.

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