meltdown triggered and evening spoilt by saying no to chips and rice

[reallybad]

Ds13 (adhd/asd) had been looking forward to going to a particular restaurant with a family member. We get there and ds asks if he can order his usual favorites and chips. I told him he didn't need chips as well and that was the last straw for him. He shut down, would not speak to anyone or eat anything and put himself to bed as soon as he got home.

Obviously if I'd known that was going to happen I would likely have said yes to the chips. We all had a totally miserable evening and it was heartbreaking to ses DS so overwhelmed when he'd been looking forward to it for so long.

The chips thing was actually the last straw, we were sitting at the wrong table, and the restaurant was also too busy apparently. These things also contributed to him feeling overwhelmed but I'm getting the blame from ds/dh for the whole thing for being mean/controlling.

I'm now trying to understand how wrong I was. It really feels right to me to discourage anyone from ordering chips and rice (on top of starters and a main dish). Also it feels wrong to just say yes to anything DS asks for incase he has a meltdown although obviously i don't want him to have a meltdown.

I feel like I really don't have a clue anymore

Oh I feel you!!! My one aged 11 has adhd and I totally understand how difficult it can get. It’s so so tough and I’ve been there when you wonder what in earth you can do anymore!!

sending love ♥️♥️

As a adult, I only like my food served in a pasta bowl if I'm honest b/c plates are a bit too flat.

Omg me too, I don't know anyone else who does this! My 3yo dd has picked it up and dh thinks we're so uncivilised when we're eating our baked potato with beans in a bowl lol

My ASD DD (17) orders too much at restaurants / takeaways. She knows that whatever is left will be her tea for the next day .. if it’s a restaurant we get them to package it up.
I also make sure she sees the menu before we go

You pick your fights when living with an individual with ASD.
No, you don’t ’give in to everything all the time’ 😳 as NTs perceive it.
But if you know what their triggers are; what they find a challenge to handle, what they can deal with, what they can’t without support and what they can be helped to develop coping strategies for, then it’s less stressful for everyone.
Being preemptive, noticing the signs of them beginning to be overwhelmed and deciding priorities.
It’s no one’s fault. He got overloaded, but you didn’t intentionally cause him to meltdown. Plan together what could happen next time, and tell your OH to fuck off with his blame game. Accidents happen.

A lot of 13 year old boys would eat all that if they’re in the hollow legs stage

If he isn’t, I see what you mean about waste - but on the other hand, it’s Saturday night, he chose the restaurant so I presume it was a treat of some sort, so really, not allowing chips is a little killjoy of you. Your comment that ‘it really feels right to me to discourage anyone from ordering chips on top of a starter and main’ is quite controlling - I mean why would you be involving yourself in people’s orders in general?

Other than that it’s just lessons learned - he doesn’t like busy restaurants, looking at menus in advance is a good idea, etc.

It’s not a huge thing and it will blow over. Going forward maybe examine whether you do tend to be controlling and if you do lean away from that in situations where it’s likely to cause a scene.

Seriously?!?

you’re putting this parent down and making them apologise to their family for turning the night in a bad situation?!?

what?!? So they’re not ever allowed to make a mistake? This parent is struggling right now and asking for advice and your post was patronising

Tell your dh to shut up and plan to do a little work with DS on managing disappointment—he chose the time and restaurant and the table had previously been acceptable. What have you guys learned from this meltdown that will help next time? Are there any skills he or dh can practice to avoid or ameliorate a meltdown that don’t require mommy to be perfect? It was about the chips but not about the chips.

It's a treat. And therefore as a one off I think you should be able to oder what you'd like to eat so yes, yabu.

Oh, and chips and rice?
Is it about the textures? Wanting both?

If chips are his favourite why did you say no ?

Doesn't make sense (sorry)

Taking my 17yo AuDHD DS to a restaurant takes military planning.

We always call the restaurant and ask for a table off the main track where everyone isn't walking past/behind us, preferably with a back to a wall or in a corner.

When we arrive we inform the Host and Waiters of his disability (he also has an eating disorder) and give polite instructions on what he will order (pre-agreed) and that they are not to suggest or offer him anything different, and that NOTHING else is to be added to the plate.

DS is ensconced in said corner/back to wall with his headphones, tablet and drink from home, next to myself so i can help him out if needs be.

We also always order extra chips to the table that get shared between people.

Meals out with him are rare, but we've managed to work out how best to help him cope through them.

Its a cat and mouse game and you're always on the back foot a bit, especially if you're not giving full attention and miss the signs of overwhelm, sometimes there aren't any, and meltdown/shut down can be without warning.

Don't beat yourself up, it's no-ones fault, and it's not fair on your DH to be blaming you.

@Blondeshavemorefun

i guess if chips are his favourite and them, he could have ordered something that came with chips rather than rice?

restaurant meals are so expensive now OP can hardly be blamed for not want to buy extras in addition to starters and mains - that’s already a lot of food

Me too. Love having my roast chicken dinner in a pasta bowl. Keeps the gravy from spreading off the edges of the plate!

Pasta bowls are just the best - imo the optimal shape is flat in the centre, sloping up to vertical sides. Perfection.

Sorry for the derail op.

As I said upthread, it's really not your fault.

Certain things really upset me and then I go on to spoil a meal out - for example, if I can hear any beeping (microwave beeping or anything) then I get foul and snappy. It's impossible to predict.

There could well have been something like this happening for your son, that maybe he couldn't even explain - the particular music playing that night etc.

Your comment about the chips was just the bit that got the blame. It would have been a tiny proportion of what was upsetting him, I reckon.

I think if you already knew he was overwhelmed from other things that weren't 'right' you should have probably just let him have chips and rice. Maybe you could have shared or something. It obviously wasn't done with anything but his well being in mind, but something to bear in mind if there is a next time. Don't be too hard on yourself.

That said, while a get a stroppy teen blaming it all on you, your DH really should have you back. I think mine would probably agree with hindsight it was a bad call but that I wasn't to know that was how things would pan out (I say this as parent of an autistic DD myself, so often there are things we realise would have gone better a different way)

It’s a portion of chips not a main course.

My children have the option to have some of our rice and chips, we share portions and what doesn’t get eaten in that meal gets saved for another. My children are nowhere near obese, healthy weight, active and are naturally skinny btw. They are not eating full portions by themselves.

Having an autistic child is knowing and sensing when to pick your battles. Sometimes you get it right, sometimes you get it wrong. A portion of chips when there is a table full of people would not have been the battle I would have chosen personally.

That is when he wanted to go? Surely that is when op should have said no? Op knew the boy was already stressed after stating it was the straw that broke the camels back, why did op not discuss this with her child saying that Saturday night is a busy night, it will be loud and crowded l, but to then take him then refuse him chips it's asking for a meltdown, sorry if you don't like that.

We always get a mixture of rice and chips as does everyone else i know. Fairly standard.

Poor you, it’s tough

it looks to me that you are try to gain Some control in a part of your life (DS ADHD) where you feel no control

as a mum of two ND older teens, I very much think that picking fights/laying down rules about small things such as this are a bad idea.

If we go out I always tell them to have exactly what they like.

the rice and chips combo is a favourite in our house, as oldest DS who has sensory issues and hates gloopy sauces can choose chips, rice and spring rolls and be happy

try and relax about things like this. Laying down random rules for teens is never a good idea imo

You didn't do anything wrong.

ND aside, surely the point of eating out is that you have something more indulgent than you usually would at home as it's a treat and not a regular occurrence.

I think chips and rice would have been fine for anyone.

Oh well, the one woman meltdown intercept system malfunctioned on this occasion, but nobody died. Sounds like you mostly do a good job most of the time.
Yes perhaps next time your DH can sit down with DS beforehand and discuss the menu with DS , and book the correct table for the correct time , and pack the distraction bag of stuff, and the headphones, and liase with the restaurant staff, and formulate contingency plans b) c) and d) in case everything isn't working out perfectly. I'm sure he will do a great job.

I feel for you OP, I have a teenager with ASD and I’ve gotten it so wrong, so many times. I’m much better now that she’s older (18) and I understand her anxieties a lot more. She loves going out and socialising but also has social anxiety and goes over and over events convincing herself she’s gone wrong again.

In your situation, if she asked for something in a restaurant and I said no she would immediately think she’d been too greedy and asked for too much, and she’d think that everyone around her was thinking about how stupid and greedy and selfish she is, and eventually her thoughts would escalate to thinking she gets things wrong every time she goes out and ruins everything for everyone and she should just never try to go out or be normal because she’s so useless. Sounds ridiculous, but that is how anxious she can be over something as silly as a portion of chips. I don’t know if your son is anything like my DD but I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone and some of us do sympathise!

There are multiple things at play, wrong table, too much going on. The chips, and therefore you, are the scapegoat. Both DS amd DP should not be blaming this on you. You are totally reasonable to draw a line on the amount of food your child has.

Would I have let him have the chips? Probably. Seems a small thing and not worth the hassle. Does everything have to go his way? No it doesn't and probably shouldn't.
He was annoyed. He had a meltdown. I would not be blaming myself. I would however be telling him that next time he needs to look at the menu beforehand and I would agree or not before leaving.