meltdown triggered and evening spoilt by saying no to chips and rice

[reallybad]

Ds13 (adhd/asd) had been looking forward to going to a particular restaurant with a family member. We get there and ds asks if he can order his usual favorites and chips. I told him he didn't need chips as well and that was the last straw for him. He shut down, would not speak to anyone or eat anything and put himself to bed as soon as he got home.

Obviously if I'd known that was going to happen I would likely have said yes to the chips. We all had a totally miserable evening and it was heartbreaking to ses DS so overwhelmed when he'd been looking forward to it for so long.

The chips thing was actually the last straw, we were sitting at the wrong table, and the restaurant was also too busy apparently. These things also contributed to him feeling overwhelmed but I'm getting the blame from ds/dh for the whole thing for being mean/controlling.

I'm now trying to understand how wrong I was. It really feels right to me to discourage anyone from ordering chips and rice (on top of starters and a main dish). Also it feels wrong to just say yes to anything DS asks for incase he has a meltdown although obviously i don't want him to have a meltdown.

I feel like I really don't have a clue anymore

Maybe a busy restaurant wasn't the most comfortable place for DC to be in the first place, and the order was partly to try to feel more comfortable. I'd have said yes
But I can't imagine what it must be like constantly awaiting and negotiating away from the next meltdown.

I agree. I wouldn't have let him spoil the evening, just carried on.

Those saying, just share. Omg my teenage dc similar to op’s could never do that. Not even one chip. That would be really hard for them. Nor a bowl on the table for everyone to share. Sometimes it feels my dc is obsessed with chips but in a restaurant situation I wouldn’t say no.

It's unfortunate that your son was so upset at the time.
Most restaurants have online menus, so next time he could choose his meal before you go. There may of course be other triggers that you can't predict.

My opinion is probably controversial but I wouldn’t be pandering to meltdowns. I have an almost 10 year old who has had meltdowns from a young age.
We don’t give in, we don’t tiptoe around him and don’t give him what he wants or avoid things because it may trigger a meltdown.
Over time they have improved massively. We treat him the same as our other child who doesn’t have meltdowns and it works for us.
My feeling is that DS needs to realise the world does not revolve around him and he can’t always have what he wants. If he kicks off, he kicks off. I leave him to it and we discuss it afterwards.
I know my method won’t be popular but it works for us.
My DS is certainly not traumatised by not being pandered to.

I’m so sorry about this ruined evening, OP, and especially that your husband didn’t have your back.
I don’t think that you did anything wrong, especially considering your update that restaurant food and take always are a regular thing, and that some of his “complaints” were just revealed this morning. His behaviour was absolutely not ok, and nor was your husband’s in blaming you. Can you sit down with your husband and discuss how you want to deal with this as a couple? Pandering and giving in to his wishes at all times is not ok, even if it seems like the most convenient way at the moment.

I agree. I hope you're ok OP, it's tough having a child with additional needs isn't it? It feels like constant navigation to me, never being able to fully relax. X

Why didn't you just let him have the chips. If you are in the habit of saying no to trivial requests perhaps it was the last straw for him

It's not your fault and ADHD/ autism or not you are allowed to say no. Don't give it another thought. If he then doesn't want his dinner fine. That's not on you (and yes I do have experience of kids on the spectrum).

Sadly plenty of autistic children and young people do get traumatised by their experiences of growing up with neorotypical expectations and without the accommodations they need.

That's completely different to saying, there shouldn't be a process of stretching comfort zones and extending experiences to support maturity and development, but it should be tailored to the individual. Saying "don't give in to meltdowns" is potentially damaging.

You can't make autistics fit NT expectations across the board with a zero tolerance attitude.

@Viviennemary

you might think it a trivial request, plenty of people would disagree.
im sure op does not have an endless amount of money to spend on lots of additonal side dishes extra to starters and mains!

I think if you go out, you go with the flow.

But the takeaways at home are more within your control

You and your DH need to be on the same page too and if he has an issue he discusses it in private.

In Wales half and half is the norm with curry so you get a smaller portion of rice and chips together. I’m sure a non Welsh restaurant could accommodate that too if asked for future use :)

I wholeheartedly agree with you, I often see a father with his son coming home from placesul and the father adopts zero tolerance, the boy always looks so pale and absolutely miserable all the time, it's a crying shame as he's a good kid who is not allowed to express himself and parents hold him back.

I sort of agree with whoopsypoopsy, with some exceptions for ND issues. I think the right question is not whether OP could or should have prevented the meltdown but what does Op’s child gain from understanding his own patterns and needs in the future?

Its is not the end of the world for a child to experience meltdown. What did they learn from it? Can they learn from it? What is its nature, duration, impact on child or others?

OP’s DH is creating and fostering a climate of blame in which the ds’s meltdowns are seen as hugely problematic and always OP’s fault (or someone’s fault). That may make DH and DS feel better, since they can blame OP for the unpleasantness, but in the long run this does a huge disservice to the ND DS because it posits his behavior as annoying/embarrassing/upsetting to everyone but utterly outside of DS’s control. That will hurt and shame the DS more than anything. The search for someone to blame is a pleasant but futile exercise in shifting responsibility from DS to everyone else. Being matter of fact is a much better approach.

“DS had a hard time managing his feelings/behavior when X happened at the restaurant. What can DS figure out to manage better next time” will serve him better than OP’s DH blaming her for not protecting DS from a problem.

This, unless I've picked it up wrong the chips were in addition to a full 3.course meal?
I actually feel that you shouldn't have had to apologise to 'everyone' why is your fault.

Also all those blaming op for going on a busy night, and taking the wrong table?
Ds choice for day and time? She says not triggers meltdown, her fault.
The table was fine last time how was op to know?

My son has ASD and is also really rigid about foods, incl others touching his stuff. When he was younger he refused to let anyone remove the paper on his straw in Burger King. I did it absent mindedly one day and put it in the cup, When I saw what was going to happen I got him another drink. Some people would see this as outrageous weakness and giving in, but they've never had to deal with an autistic meltdown in a public place.

Speaking as someone who is autistic but I don't have an autistic child. Agree with 'CorylusAgain.' 'We Don't give into the meltdowns' sounds like the mum in this case doesn't fully understand what an autistic meltdown is. It's not a person or child just being stroppy because they want something. When an autistic person has a meltdown, it is NOT because they are trying to control a situation. It's because they are trying to control their response to THE situation. Autistic Meltdowns are NEVER a choice.

Or perhaps more to the point, most people don't understand that to him, being expected to drink his drink after someone touched his straw probably felt like the majority of people being expected to drink their drink after someone spat in it!

I've private messaged you because I feel exactly the same

i can see both sides of the coin, as DS gets older i've got better at learning when i can say No, or divert/redirect his attention if i don't want him to do something but a direct 'no' would trigger a meltdown.

Its about learning triggers and the art of compromise.

I don't pander to meltdowns, but i do adapt/adjust behaviour to prevent them, without always giving DS what he wants.

There is a middle ground between trying to treat your Autistic child like they're Neurotypical, and 'pandering' to the meltdowns.. but it takes work.

This. We 're now living with an impossible 17 year old because everyone was so afraid of their ASD meltdowns. It's not the way to go. There's a line between being understanding and setting them up for expectations as to how life will go that just don't mesh with the real world (and mean the rest of the family is treading on eggshells)

It's fine to have a limit on how much food is ordered at a restaurant

It's fine to have a limit on how much food is ordered at a restaurant”

not according to lots of mumsnetters!!

You're doing your best OP.