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AIBU?

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Original poster

meltdown triggered and evening spoilt by saying no to chips and rice

187 replies

reallybad · 15/10/2023 12:38

Ds13 (adhd/asd) had been looking forward to going to a particular restaurant with a family member. We get there and ds asks if he can order his usual favorites and chips. I told him he didn't need chips as well and that was the last straw for him. He shut down, would not speak to anyone or eat anything and put himself to bed as soon as he got home.

Obviously if I'd known that was going to happen I would likely have said yes to the chips. We all had a totally miserable evening and it was heartbreaking to ses DS so overwhelmed when he'd been looking forward to it for so long.

The chips thing was actually the last straw, we were sitting at the wrong table, and the restaurant was also too busy apparently. These things also contributed to him feeling overwhelmed but I'm getting the blame from ds/dh for the whole thing for being mean/controlling.

I'm now trying to understand how wrong I was. It really feels right to me to discourage anyone from ordering chips and rice (on top of starters and a main dish). Also it feels wrong to just say yes to anything DS asks for incase he has a meltdown although obviously i don't want him to have a meltdown.

I feel like I really don't have a clue anymore

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 15/10/2023 13:18

“I apologised to everyone else too.”

Why are you doing this for goodness sake? We all live and learn and just because your 13 year old had a unexpected strop you don’t need to flagellate yourself. ASD or not - all kids that age can be unpredictable and moody. We haven’t always got our mother crystal ball working!

Universalsnail · 15/10/2023 13:19

I think you need to plan restaurant visits at quiet times and also I wouldn't challenge his food choices there because I imagine you don't get to go to restaurants often so I'd just have anything goes it's fine approach there.

I don't think you really did anything wrong and if your child wasn't autistic and getting overwhelmed advising not chips and rice would be a good idea but I think moving forward if he finds that overwhelming I'd just fully relax about stuff like that when you eat out. :)

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/10/2023 13:19

Screamingabdabz · 15/10/2023 13:18

“I apologised to everyone else too.”

Why are you doing this for goodness sake? We all live and learn and just because your 13 year old had a unexpected strop you don’t need to flagellate yourself. ASD or not - all kids that age can be unpredictable and moody. We haven’t always got our mother crystal ball working!

Agree
you really didn’t need to apologise to anyone Op

gamerchick · 15/10/2023 13:20

Food is not the hill I would die on tbh. It's hard enough to get them to eat as it is.

diddl · 15/10/2023 13:22

I think it depends on what else is ordered & the likelihood of it being finished tbh.

Maybe a small portion of each as a compromise?

Even had you let him have what he wanted something else might have caused him to shut down, eat nothing & go straight to bed.

I think that your husband is being very unfair.

It's a learning curve.

DonnaBanana · 15/10/2023 13:22

I sympathise but he has a disability. It’s like saying to someone in a wheelchair that they can’t be hoisted into the swimming pool because it’s an inconvenience for everyone else. I can see why he might be upset

Whitewolf2 · 15/10/2023 13:22

Parenting is bloody hard work and I don’t have ASD kids! I’m sorry this one went badly for you, we do our best to do the right thing and put in boundaries, maybe restaurants are not the right environment for your family at the moment if that’s all it takes to ruin a meal. It’s not your fault.

ThereIbledit · 15/10/2023 13:23

You're a mum who was doing her best to raise a healthy and balanced son.

You're only human, we aren't robots, none of us including your H will get everything right all the time. Give yourself a break and strongly ask your H to do the same. No idea what he thinks he is going to accomplish by blaming you.

Wimpod · 15/10/2023 13:24

I can see where you were coming from, in terms of it not being his choice that was the problem, but the amount that he wants to order in restaurants or takeaway.

I agree with pp that all you can do is try to chat in advance about it, plus get some kind of discussion about when ordering too much becomes a waste.

Whether a side of chips could be shared with someone etc etc. Hours of fun thinking of ways to head off the "nope" shutdown.

Gift shops at attractions tended to be flash points for us when the kids were younger, so many standoffs that we ended up in by mistake.

It's hard not to automatically say no to things which seem unreasonable on the face of it, without taking everything going on into consideration. 🙈

Witsend101 · 15/10/2023 13:25

Op, I'd try not to dwell on it and just all agree to draw a line under it. It's pointless for thise involved to try and apportion blame and rationalise it. With these things sometimes it's impossible to predict what might lead to a melt down and often you only know with the benefit of hindsight and even then it's unlikely to be due to just one factor. On a different day in different circumstances saying no to chips might not have sparked a meltdown, who is to know ?

HeDoesntWannaBangYouSomebodyHangYou · 15/10/2023 13:28

It sounds to me actually like he was embarrassed - maybe he thought he looked greedy in front of the family member?

Just thinking that if you immediately offered chips afterwards and he still said no, sounds maybe not so much like a meltdown.

Hope you are both OK today, definitely agree with chatting over menu beforehand.

Octavia64 · 15/10/2023 13:28

Firstly, hugs because I've been there and it's hard.

I still remember going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet where he would eat four full plates of plain noodles.

The noodles from anywhere else were inedible apparently.

It is possible to get him to eat a more healthy diet but it's definitely a long game and it's a lot easier if he feels like he has control (eg we can only afford one takeaway a week, you can choose which one and when but we just don't have the money for more).

KeepForgetting · 15/10/2023 13:29

I don’t think you can say no to chips when you are in a restaurant. I have a teenager similar to yours who would have a similar reaction if I said no. I might remind them not to order too much if it was going to be wasted but otherwise I would go with the flow.

It does make things difficult and it has taken me years but I say no to meals out most of the time these days because it is just too stressful.

OneFrenchEgg · 15/10/2023 13:30

Were you paying? If you are paying I think saying starters, a main and two sides is too much is fine. I'm autistic, my kids have a combo of ND and mental illness and I'm very attuned to their needs now. I would have said to pick one only. Or allowed chips and rice and no main if that was a preferable combo. Or used the PIP if it was non negotiable.

InAndOutOfTheRedBalloon · 15/10/2023 13:31

@reallybad this really isn't your fault, sometimes it just all goes wrong. Most recently for us, on DS3's birthday. He has ASD, but is a sensory seeker so restaurants etc are generally fine, although we've had occasional issues with food not presented as he expects.

DD, however, who has ASD and ADHD, is a totally different matter - a complete sensory avoider in all ways. We did everything we possibly could to make it work - restaurant and menu chosen in advance, time carefully picked for after the film, not before (cinema anxiety over and done with, not brewing, at DD's request), central table with clear view of an escape route and her chosen seat at the table. She was excited to go and led the way to the restaurant.

It still went wrong, and we took her meal home in a box because she spent the entire time from ordering to leaving in the Ladies', having a meltdown. Why? Because People. And the waitress asked for her ID when she ordered alcohol (as she did for older DS2). Sometimes it is just going to happen, and nothing can head it off.

Parenting ND teens is like walking multiple knife-edges, all the time. What was ok last week is wrong today, and vice versa. Your DH is very unfair to blame you, the chips were simply the tipping point. What did he do about the "wrong" table and the busy restaurant?

BandicootCrash · 15/10/2023 13:31

It's really difficult. You're trying your best! You're not being mean or controlling - you've said that you probably would have said yes if you'd realised just what a big deal it was going to be. But you're right that you can't just say yes to every single thing all the time.

Everyone misjudges things sometimes (esp with ND kids), we just try our best. This wasn't his only chance ever to enjoy a meal out - try again next week, and try and catch him at a good point beforehand where you can discuss very clearly what adjustments could help him enjoy it better (manage expectations that it's unlikely ever to be exactly "perfect", but there are some steps we can take to help).

MrsJellybee · 15/10/2023 13:32

My daughter orders chips and rice whenever we go out for a curry as she doesn’t like the spicy food. She’s NT as far as I’m aware. I just let her get on with it. You didn’t do anything wrong, but honestly, some hills are not worth dying upon.

3luckystars · 15/10/2023 13:33

I understand.

Photographsandmemories · 15/10/2023 13:37

Hopefully you are feeling better about it now.

Those who don't have a child with autism won't know how sudden and unpredictable meltdowns can be, and how catastrophic it can feel.

You always blame yourself if you have inadvertently provided the trigger.

XiCi · 15/10/2023 13:37

CurlewKate · 15/10/2023 13:03

I can't see a problem with chips and rice and I don't have a ND child.

Glad it's not just me. I just let dd order what she feels like eating when we're at a restaurant, no big deal. I think as well when I realised how upset not having the chips made him I'd have just ordered them there and then for him instead of ruining the whole evening for everyone and making him more upset

Takeabreather23 · 15/10/2023 13:38

It was a night he was looking forward to for his favourite meal and you said no .

Id be upset too. Also you know your ds so why not pre empt this it’s not the end of the world over a portion of chips . Pick your fights and I wouldn’t make it a busy restaurant over chips one .

phoenixrosehere · 15/10/2023 13:39

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/10/2023 13:12

A portion of chips wouldn't have hurt, even if he'd only had two (or eaten the lot).

The one thing that could have been familiar, he likes and could have got him through all the other discomforts that he was clearly doing his best to handle, you told him he didn't 'need'. Well, he clearly did need to have them and to have his wants/needs respected, as you ruined his evening.

In the great scheme of things, neurodiverse or neurotypical, back off criticising and dictating food choices in a restaurant setting. Nobody benefits from having what they want to eat publicly criticised.

*A portion of chips wouldn't have hurt, even if he'd only had two (or eaten the lot).

The one thing that could have been familiar, he likes and could have got him through all the other discomforts that he was clearly doing his best to handle, you told him he didn't 'need'. Well, he clearly did need to have them and to have his wants/needs respected, as you ruined his evening.*

Agree with this. Considering there were other people, and that many restaurants will let you take food home, saying no to a portion of chips seems unwarranted.

Would neither you or your DH would have possibly wanted any of the food he had left if he didn’t finish it?

DS1 is autistic and DH often orders more food than he usually eats but it still gets eaten by someone or taken home and eaten so it doesn’t go to waste.

twilightermummy · 15/10/2023 13:39

My 8 year old has autism and I'd be aware that, as a treat, sometimes things just have to go their way.

As a side note, I'm NT and I order chips and rice in a Chinese and Indian 😂

CowboyJoanna · 15/10/2023 13:40

I think if you told a neurotypical 13-year-old he couldn't have chips with his meal, he'd sulk for the day too.

Thegoodbadandugly · 15/10/2023 13:40

He's a growing boy and it was a treat, you know your own child so you should know busy places stress him out, from your post it seems you knew he was already stressed out so why did you make things harder for him? What did you expect?