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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

574 replies

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 10:48

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

OP posts:
XelaM · 13/10/2023 10:51

His body, his choice

Hankunamatata · 13/10/2023 10:51

I'm usually all for men having vasectomy but 27 with one child is very young.

Toottooot · 13/10/2023 10:52

Aye - for his sake.

KateyCuckoo · 13/10/2023 10:53

Yabu. Hugely! It's a big decision, it's his decision and he's still very young to make such a permanent end to his fertility.

Mamasharp97 · 13/10/2023 10:53

I thought there were reversible options?

DressDilemma · 13/10/2023 10:53

YABVVU. You can't dictate what you want your partner to do to his body. Imagine if this was a man forcing a woman to get sterilised!

RoseBucket · 13/10/2023 10:54

Too big a decision at 27, his body, his choice.

LadybirdLover · 13/10/2023 10:54

YABU. It’s a big decision and it’s his body, you shouldn’t be pressuring him.

Just because he has reservations about getting one doesn’t mean he “subconsciously wants another child”. It’s just a huge action to take so young.

If you are so set on it then you need to get sterilised yourself.

CornishGem1975 · 13/10/2023 10:55

Definitely call the wedding off.

He deserves better.

PhantomUnicorn · 13/10/2023 10:56

his body, his choice.

if you're adamant YOU don't want kids, get your tubes tied.

What if you do separate, and you go on to have another partner? You going to force them to have the snip before they can sleep with you too?

Bluevelvetsofa · 13/10/2023 10:56

He wants to keep his options open. You don’t, for very sound reasons. Is it a dealbreaker!

Rudolphthefrog · 13/10/2023 10:57

He’s very young, with one child. And it’s his body. I think you’re being completely unreasonable.

It’s awful to think about, but what if, for example something happened to you, or your DC? I’m saying that because it’s what he’ll be asked at the appointment- would he still not, under any circumstances, want more children?

itonlyhappensonce · 13/10/2023 10:57

It is his body his choice. But it would put me off marriage.

CuppaJoeJojo · 13/10/2023 10:57

That’s young to cut off your fertility! YABU - it’s his body and his choice.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/10/2023 10:57

Is he refusing to get involved in any other form of contraception? Such as using condoms?

itonlyhappensonce · 13/10/2023 10:58

(I wouldn't want to marry someone potentially on a different page about kids)

ExtinguishTheLight · 13/10/2023 10:58

That's his decision. If he doesn't want one, you would be wrong beyond measure to force him into getting one.

If it means this much to you, you will have to pursue sterilisation.

CesareBorgia · 13/10/2023 10:59

You can call off the wedding for any reason you want!

allgrownupnow · 13/10/2023 10:59

And just to add that vasectomy isn't a 100% method of contraception either, there are many instances of vasectomy reversing itself.

He is allowed to have hesitation and not want to take a probably permanent step. It doesn't mean he is wanting to or thinking of leaving you in the future, but none of us know where life is going to take us and that's ok.
You have obviously had a traumatic time with pregnancy and birth. Focus on yourself and coming to terms with your own feelings and situation, as well as what it means for both of you to not be able to have another child. Focusing on the vasectomy is an unhelpful tangent.

Parky04 · 13/10/2023 10:59

At 27, it is way too young to be considering this. What if you dump him after he has had a vasectomy? His future partners would be limited because he is unable to have kids.

It's obviously an issue with you, but why should he have a vasectomy when you're not willing to have your tubes tied?

Your relationship appears to be over, and you will need to find a new partner who has had a vasectomy (a very small pool).

MoggyP · 13/10/2023 10:59

His body his choice.

Bodily autonomy is an important principle, even when you don't like what it means in an individual case.

You can call off your wedding for any reason you like.

But if your aim is to somehow guilt him into life-changing surgery that he does not want, then you are acting despicably

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 13/10/2023 11:00

Given divorce statistics, your age, and you've only been together 5 years, maybe he does think he might want children with a non existent someone else if your marriage ends. That doesn't mean he wants it to end. Maybe he's just being realistic?

Quitelikeit · 13/10/2023 11:00

His body his choice.

Honestly you have no idea how you will feel in 5 years time.

Divorce is quite drastic. Give your head a shake!

Or why not just go ahead and do it? You don’t need permission from here do you?

crostini · 13/10/2023 11:01

You're not being unreasonable at all. Surprised at the comments. They're slightly ageist I think.
Yes 27 is 'young' but you're in a serious relationship with children and have previously discussed this and was assured your partners views on this aligned with yours. Now he is backtracking - his choice of course, but it's incredibly frustrating for you, as you don't want to put your body through that risk - that's also your body, your choice. As a loving partner he shouldn't want to put you at risk like that. You're the mother of his child, he needs to put you first on this, especially considering what you have given him, and presumably years of the contraception onus being on you. A vasectomy is a WAY easier and less intrusive procedure, than female sterilization is. If he can't jump on board with this, I don't think the relationship can continue, which is such a shame, but it's him that's changed the goal posts.

Original poster
Messymaker · 13/10/2023 11:02

I think you are all missing the point here. We agreed we don't want children. But as pp just mentioned he clearly is "keeping his options open" which makes me feel he is being untruthful with me and himself.

It's not fair for me to MARRY this man thinking we are both okay with a future of no more children for him to still be on the fence about it.

I will NOT be changing my mind as I value my health and want to be in good health for the child I already have. So if that is the case then I don't see the point in this relationship anymore.

Vasectomy or not him telling me about not wanting to do anything permanent clearly means he wants the option to potentionally have more. That won't be with me. So where is this relationship going and why am I committing to someone where it will only inevitably not work further down the line

OP posts: