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AIBU?

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Original poster

To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

574 replies

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 10:48

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

OP posts:
boscabosco · 13/10/2023 11:12

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 11:08

My goodness with this mentality I wonder why people even bother committing with people! We don't go about life thinking "oh well this may not last". When we agreed to marry its because we are adamant this is what we want forever. Otherwise what is the point of anything

You have been told by an overwhelming majority YABU. What more do you want here, so off you go and call off that wedding.

PhantomUnicorn · 13/10/2023 11:12

Considering the 'what if's of the future is sensible.

If him not wanting the snip is a deal breaker for you, then by all means break it off... but you can't FORCE him to do it if he doesn't want to.

Rosieposy89 · 13/10/2023 11:12

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Brocollimatilda · 13/10/2023 11:13

His body his choice. And 27 is very young to make that decision.

TBH you may find it hard to find a doctor to agree. DH had a vasectomy at 37 after 3 kids and had a right grilling because he was ‘young’ - until he said one child was severely disabled. He was also clear that if I died or we split he had enough responsibility dealing with our 3 kids and he expressed that to the doctor. He may not have felt like that after one.

If you know you definitely don’t want any more children then arrange to be sterilised yourself. It is a bigger operation but you seem clear that whatever happens you won’t want another. He maybe isn’t - that doesn’t mean he is thinking of leaving you.

AlltheFs · 13/10/2023 11:13

You both definitely aren’t ready for marriage.

He is keeping his options open which is fair, you are very young but don’t marry him yet. You aren’t on the same page.

It does sound like you have quite some trauma to work through though - definitely get help with that. You sound completely strung out over something that really shouldn’t be such a big deal.

SecondUsername4me · 13/10/2023 11:13

Blackmailing a person is never good for any relationship.

You can only put your own boundaries in - you cannot force them onto someone else. So you decide whether you want to be with him with or without the vasectomy, then you choose what you would stay or separate for.

BarleySugars · 13/10/2023 11:13

How do you get your tubes tied though? I've been rejected twice at the doctors and told i may as well give up. Now looking at private but costs 3k so not within reach for most.

LaurieStrode · 13/10/2023 11:13

YANBU, OP.

This thread is bonkers.

The his body, his choice bullshit is ridiculous. If they agree as a couple that sterilization is their preferred method of contraception going forward, he should have the surgery as a) it's easier and b) she's already made physical sacrifices for their family.

No way in hell would i marry someone who is "keeping his options open."

Original poster
Messymaker · 13/10/2023 11:13

@70sDuvet how easily was you able to get sterilised?

That's exactly how I feel. Of course if someone was to have the pregnancy and birth for me it would be a different matter but that isn't real life.

Even if health wasn't an issue financially we are actually homeless atm and definitely can't afford another child without having to compromise the life quality of the one we have. Which would be irresponsible and unfair of us as parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Messymaker · 13/10/2023 11:14

@BarleySugars this! It's not easy AT ALL. As a woman you will not be taken seriously and will be questioned. As a man its fine!

OP posts:
Oldthyme · 13/10/2023 11:15

I can see where you’re coming from but it would seen most responses are siding with your partner not to have it done. His body, his choice.

Frankly, as you are the one who will suffer and from one of your replies seem to be not that interested in more kids anyway, let alone the health repercussions for you, I think the onus is on you to protect yourself.

Have you explored sterilisation for you in any great depth? You might feel easier in your mind if you understand the process better and available options so you can better bring yourself to have it done.

Acornsoup · 13/10/2023 11:15

OP why don't you get your tubes tied if you feel that strongly about it. Not fair to demand it from DP.

I am not sure a surgeon would even agree to it given his age and your family situation.

It is absolutely reasonable for him to refuse - it's his body - wedding or now. However using a wedding as a bargaining tool for this is completely out of order.

Mamai90 · 13/10/2023 11:16

You're being extremely naive. Almost 50% of marriages end in divorce. Even I, someone who has been happily married for 11 years understands that sometimes things happen and marriages end.

What if God forbid something happens to you? Or your child. Those are awful scenarios but these things all have to be taken into account.

If you break up will you expect any new partners to get a vasectomy?

Cheeseandlobster · 13/10/2023 11:16

I don't know if anyone has already said this but what if something happenned to you god forbid? He might remarry and want more children. If he were 45 plus I would be on your side but at 27 no way! You need to consider sterilisation as it is you who wants this the most I am afraid

Redcargidan · 13/10/2023 11:16

My goodness with this mentality I wonder why people even bother committing with people! We don't go about life thinking "oh well this may not last". When we agreed to marry its because we are adamant this is what we want forever. Otherwise what is the point of anything

Except that has nothing to do with asking him to have a vasectomy. Your thread implies you are prepared to put forward the ultimatum "get a vasectomy or I will call off the wedding (likely ending our relationship in doing so)". Sorry but that's abusive!

If a man posted "I want my partner to get her tubes tied because I don't want any more children, WIBU to call off the wedding if she says no?" People would be responding in the exact same way. This is about bodily autonomy and being able to choose what happens to your own body. Many men find the idea of a vasectomy demasculating as well, which at 27, he might not love the idea of. He isn't 40. Whatever his reason is, he's allowed to have it.

Tessisme · 13/10/2023 11:16

It sounds to me as though your own insecurity is at the heart of this OP. You want the ultimate show of commitment from your partner in the form of a vasectomy which seems very controlling. You want to corral him into an operation he isn't sure about because it's all about you. Perhaps you would feel more control over your own destiny if you had your tubes tied.

Sunplant · 13/10/2023 11:16

If you were both in your late thirties and had a couple of children I would say you are not being unreasonable but you are both very young and although you are sure you don't want another child I can understand why he doesn't want to do something that is so final.

AnotherEmma · 13/10/2023 11:16

What contraception were you using when you got pregnant? Have you ever had the implant or a coil? Given the risks to you of another pregnancy I think it would be sensible to use something like that and insist that he uses condoms. Even if he did get the snip it takes a while to get the all clear so you still have to use contraception in the meantime. Or abstain from PIV sex.

I can understand why you want him to get a vasectomy but I can also see why he doesn't want one, he's 27 with one child and if you died or the two of you split up, he might find someone else and want to have a child with them. I wouldn't feel too hurt by that personally. He is choosing to be with you now and if he marries you that's a significant commitment.

You've had a child with him so I dont think it makes sense to call off the wedding or split up over this. Maybe you feel that he is not taking responsibility to protect you from the risks of pregnancy - which is a failing given the potential impact on your health - but ultimately it's his body, his choice, and perhaps he can protect and reassure you in other ways?

ichundich · 13/10/2023 11:16

His body, his choice.

Original poster
Messymaker · 13/10/2023 11:17

@LaurieStrode this another thing. Its just one more thing I have to put my body through for this family unit. I think people are over seeing the point that we have BOTH agreed to this. It's not like I'm forcing his hand. So for him to suddenly back track like this is a massive red flag for me

OP posts:
LaurieStrode · 13/10/2023 11:17

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 11:08

My goodness with this mentality I wonder why people even bother committing with people! We don't go about life thinking "oh well this may not last". When we agreed to marry its because we are adamant this is what we want forever. Otherwise what is the point of anything

Agree. Never seen so many nutjobs on one thread.

PrimalLass · 13/10/2023 11:17

YABVU. You can't use permanent infertility as a condition for marrying someone.

Boozlebammed · 13/10/2023 11:18

OP you're coming across as very aggressive so I can only imagine what your DP must be going through. People shouldn't be coerced into changing their bodies. He has made the decision he does not want more DC seemingly for you. And that is fine but you could die tommorow and he could meet someone who does want DC. You are both very young. Are you honestly saying that if you both decided not to marry, you'll only sleep with men who have had a vasectomy? Because you'll struggle to find someone the same age who has. As PPs have said, in your position I'd explore having your tubes tied. But you will need to do this privately as the NHS are highly unlikely to entertain the conversation at your age.

GunboatDiplomacy · 13/10/2023 11:18

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 11:14

@BarleySugars this! It's not easy AT ALL. As a woman you will not be taken seriously and will be questioned. As a man its fine!

Have you asked? Explaining your health background? The NHS is normally extremely reluctant to offer female sterilisation for various reasons, but if pregnancy would be seriously dangerous, and your DF is too young to be a good candidate for vasectomy then that could swing the balance.

ImustLearn2Cook · 13/10/2023 11:18

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 11:08

My goodness with this mentality I wonder why people even bother committing with people! We don't go about life thinking "oh well this may not last". When we agreed to marry its because we are adamant this is what we want forever. Otherwise what is the point of anything

You do realise that sometimes people die young. Nothing is forever. I’m sorry but if you or your partner died then neither of you should be prevented from finding love a second time.

I would never dictate that my partner should grieve for the rest of his life and never move on.

Also, in real life circumstances change. In real life if you’re committed to each other in love then you love each other enough to allow honesty and freedom.

If one partner wants to end the relationship then to deny them that is to hold them against their will which is deprivation of liberty and denial of their free will.

And that is not love.