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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

574 replies

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 10:48

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

OP posts:
heyitsthistle · 15/10/2023 10:54

LaurieStrode · 15/10/2023 10:46

He already has a child. No one needs to be producing multiples on a burning planet.

Honestly the deference paid to male procreation is bizarre!

Show quote history

I would say the same thing if it were a man asking a woman to have her tubes tied. I think expecting anyone to forfeit their fertility is unreasonable.

What about if she and her kid died?

ginandtonicwithlimes · 15/10/2023 11:41

Redcargidan · 15/10/2023 10:25

Don't mess up your relationship for this. Abortions exist for this reason and there is nothing wrong with abortions if you don't want children

Horrendous. Contraception exists for this reason. Abortions should not be considered a form of contraception and they should be for exceptional circumstances. Not using contraception and relying on abortions is despicable.

Abortions aren't just for exceptional circumstances but whenever a woman wants one or feels her situation merits that decision. That is why it is legal in the UK.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 15/10/2023 11:43

LaurieStrode · 15/10/2023 10:46

He already has a child. No one needs to be producing multiples on a burning planet.

Honestly the deference paid to male procreation is bizarre!

Show quote history

Actually the ideal number is two. Replace yourself and your partner. Hope you don't fly numerous times or drive a car?

Redcargidan · 15/10/2023 12:02

Abortions aren't just for exceptional circumstances but whenever a woman wants one or feels her situation merits that decision. That is why it is legal in the UK.

Yes but to not use contraception/take preventative measures and fall back on abortions is ridiculous.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 15/10/2023 14:12

Redcargidan · 15/10/2023 12:02

Abortions aren't just for exceptional circumstances but whenever a woman wants one or feels her situation merits that decision. That is why it is legal in the UK.

Yes but to not use contraception/take preventative measures and fall back on abortions is ridiculous.

How common is that actually? Even so they can still have an abortion if they want.

ExtinguishTheLight · 15/10/2023 19:03

Abortions are for women who don't want to be pregnant. End of story.

OhmygodDont · 15/10/2023 19:18

The problem really isn’t him getting a vasectomy or not. This relationship is shit regardless and should end.

As a women though who is ultimately the one who doesn’t want to be pregnant ultimately especially if for health reasons you need to make sure you don’t get pregnant. One man having a vasectomy doesn’t stop you getting pregnant. Because again sadly Some men are shit And thus an assault could much likely lead to a pregnancy as could stealthing or a hole in a condom or rip from a new man who hasn’t been prior snipped.

cadburyegg · 15/10/2023 19:23

YABU I think. My friend was one and done, her dh wasn't fussed either way so she was the one who got sterilised.

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 15/10/2023 21:44

For her? Seriously?
Jeez, I don't think it's good for the bloke!!!
He needs to find someone who appreciates him!

Beezknees · 15/10/2023 21:48

I am on the fence. I'm a single woman who doesn't want any more children, so I take control of my own contraception if I have sex with someone. I wouldn't expect someone else to do it. But then I'm not in a partnership.

captainmarvella · 19/10/2023 06:45

This whole thread is on the Daily Fail. Bl00dy vultures.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12628061/My-fianc-27-refuses-vasectomy-weve-agreed-no-children-call-wedding.html

The article has 3000 comments on its FB page (unanimously supporting the man). Perhaps OP will now realise who is AIBU.

Screwballs · 19/10/2023 09:14

captainmarvella · 19/10/2023 06:45

This whole thread is on the Daily Fail. Bl00dy vultures.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12628061/My-fianc-27-refuses-vasectomy-weve-agreed-no-children-call-wedding.html

The article has 3000 comments on its FB page (unanimously supporting the man). Perhaps OP will now realise who is AIBU.

Edited

I feel like, yes, vultures, but I also feel like they really do pick out outrageous ones too and if you managed to get picked, you'd really need to be having a bloomin hard look at yourself.

But christ, its pretty outing!

SoupDragon · 19/10/2023 09:16

captainmarvella · 19/10/2023 06:45

This whole thread is on the Daily Fail. Bl00dy vultures.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12628061/My-fianc-27-refuses-vasectomy-weve-agreed-no-children-call-wedding.html

The article has 3000 comments on its FB page (unanimously supporting the man). Perhaps OP will now realise who is AIBU.

Edited

It was in the Mirror a few days ago too.

Dilligafat · 19/10/2023 09:41

I understand where you're coming from Op. You're planning to get married from a point of mutual understanding that you both felt the same way about this. Now he's backtracking - but it is a big decision for either of you, he's entitled to do that after really thinking about the implications. It's not so much that he'd be happy if you got pregnant, but he's aware that circumstances can change.
It was a similar situation shortly after I first got married. He was OK with not having children with me, but we couldn't ignore the fact that people get divorced sometimes. I had my tubes tied privately (NHS refused saying I was too young).
Here I am now, with that marriage far behind me, happily childless with a partner who has one adult child and definitely doesn't want any more. My ex husband had two children with his new wife after we split up.
So I think that neither of you are being unreasonable. However, you can hardly go ahead and get married with this hanging over your heads and a sex ban. If you can't come to a solution between you then don't get married, because sometimes difficult discussions have to take place and difficult decisions have to be made.

Mountainlife · 19/10/2023 09:48

Not on the nhs and they do a pretty good job now that it's hard to reverse

Mountainlife · 19/10/2023 09:53

It is a big thing for a guy and it's not painless and recovery Is a week pending on job.
Hes also 27. He might be on same page but mentally it is final. Forcing him have Vasectomy or lose me is not acceptable. Vasectomy can cause depression - not because of the procedure but because the man wasn't mentally ready for it. It sounds like you are so maybe you should make it final. Or if you do break it off will you make every man you date get the snip??
Get the coil, the pill, condoms etc. Let him think it through and ask him again in his 30s.
Also NHS aren't happy really about snipping so young

SalviaDivinorum · 19/10/2023 09:59

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 11:38

Yes he is allowed to change his mind. My point is that he hasn't told me this!!! I was going ahead into this marriage thinking we were on the same page. HE didn't communicate this change to me and still hasn't really. He has worded it slyly to almost hint at it without just coming out and being upfront with me.

Now what am I meant to do and make of that? Maybe marriage isn't a "permanent commitment like a vasectomy is" but for its a massive thing.

I'm scared to go into marriage with this new knowledge, I don't want to be putting myself up for potentially being left and being devastated because he wants another child

So you’d rather he has the surgery to please you and risk him resenting it and you in the future.

That is not a good basis for a marriage either.

Caiti19 · 19/10/2023 10:16

Has the age of existing child already been stated?

Original poster
Messymaker · 19/10/2023 15:02

This thread is irrelevant. He hit me and the relationship is over. Thanks.

OP posts:
Dilligafat · 19/10/2023 15:03

Messymaker · 19/10/2023 15:02

This thread is irrelevant. He hit me and the relationship is over. Thanks.

So very sorry to read this. I hope you have someone to support you.

Screwballs · 19/10/2023 15:17

Messymaker · 19/10/2023 15:02

This thread is irrelevant. He hit me and the relationship is over. Thanks.

Well that took a turn for the bleak.

AgnesX · 19/10/2023 15:21

Messymaker · 19/10/2023 15:02

This thread is irrelevant. He hit me and the relationship is over. Thanks.

I came to the thread a bit late and was on the cusp of advising you to cut your losses. Looks like he's achieved that by himself..

I'm very sorry a bad situation is now worse.

Quitelikeit · 19/10/2023 15:22

So no sex, violence, resentment

jeez

Original poster
Messymaker · 19/10/2023 15:43

@Quitelikeit the violence wasn't on my behalf...

OP posts:
ginandtonicwithlimes · 19/10/2023 16:12

What triggered the violence? Best you break up though after that.