To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

[Messymaker]

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

@Sunnymummy8 unless the permanent health risks were to change for me then I'm afraid not. It's not so much about me just changing my mind but me having to consider what is best for the future for my child.i have now. They deserve a healthy mum.

Unfortunately, I think this is the answer that you probably don't want to read.

Isn't this just called life?

No one knows what will happen, we live day by day and make choices, good and bad.

Maybe just give him some time, does it have to be immediate?
Withholding intimacy because you want it your way is wrong.

I get that you are physically and psychologically damaged from your previous pregnancy, have you had counselling? A debrief?

Bloody hell OP why are you so aggressive?

it’s his choice, he can change his mind if he wants. Please get over yourself.

marry him, don’t marry him, who cares. But don’t be a controlling and aggressive cow to him and throw a strop when everything doesn’t go your way. It’s not cool.

If you’re being like this to him, he’s probably the one who will call the wedding off and I wouldn’t blame him - imagine if this post was the reverse ( man blackmailing women ) Imagine!

OP I think you should not marry him and have your tubes tied. Please do not force him into this.

The way you talk about commitment - this isn't just about you never having another baby together. You want him to never be able to have a baby with anyone, under any circumstances, to prove that he is only committed to you (even if you die, even if your marriage ends). I'm sorry but that's so controlling and insecure, it's a real red flag. Marriage is a commitment in and of itself, sterilisation is not required to show commitment to a partner who doesn't want children.

Think about what you want to achieve with this ultimatum, other than bullying him into a vasectomy. So you don't marry him, and what split up? You're very unlikely to find another man who meets your extreme requirement of being sterilised to show commitment to you. You will end up having to get your tubes tied before you can pursue any sexual relationship, due to your anxiety about pregnancy, rendering the point of vasectomy moot anyway.

You will have split up with the father of your DC, for what? Because of your impression that not being sterilised means not being committed, one which flies in the face of almost every opinion you have asked for? Meanwhile after you have seen through your ultimatum, your partner will be able to enter into a relationship with someone who isn't so extremely controlling, and can decide whether or not he would like to have children with that person for himself. (One perfectly good reason why he should not have a vasectomy). Could you blame him for thinking about possible future relationships when your approach to a disagreement is an ultimatum about the relationship?

He's allowed to not want a permanent change made to his body, even if he doesn't want more dc.

He's allowed to recognise there are some situations where he might want to revisit the choice.

You don't have to make all the sacrifices, you have absolute control over all choices regarding your own body. But you don't have control over choices about his body.

Everyone needs to stop saying this. It's fucking gaslighting.

Some people really don't want more children, or any children. We know ourselves. Have the courtesy to accept that.

Vasectomies aren’t always reversible,
sometimes there are complications (just like they don’t always work!)

I do sympathise with you OP but I agree something life changing like this is a huge decision and it’s understandable he is wavering. It sounds like he really wants to protect you and support your decision not to have more children but this must be quite a scary thought for him too.

My thoughts on children are WAY different in my late 30s than my late 20s. You don’t know where your life will take you, what your financial situation will be in five, ten years. He might be concerned you’ll change your mind and be open to options like surrogacy etc in the future. Life happens, marriages even with the happiest couples and the best of intentions don’t always work out but that’s the risk we all take getting married - 1/2 of us will possibly not be with that person for ever. It’s very young to have this kind of operation when there are very good options out there - IUD for 5 years, I had two and apart from a few seconds of pain when it was inserted I forgot I had it, it was so good!

Take a breath. Stop screaming red flag. TALK to your partner about his concerns, get some counselling to help you both. He’s there to support you yes but you’re meant to be a team. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s looking for his next wife before you’re even married. Maybe he’s just young and scared.

For ages I was quite keen on having a 3rd DC but partner wasn't and now I'm OK with it not happening but I would still feel sad about him having a vasectomy as I am in some not totally ready for it to be totally impossible even if he suggested having a third tomorrow I would say no! I guess my point is your logic makes total sense to you but it might not to him and so the conclusions your are drawing from it aren't necessarily valid at all in terms of how he views your relationship

What utter hogwash.

She's not obliged to go along and make sacrifices in their relationship, in order to make his hypothetical post-divorce life better, for fuck's sake.

You sound immature and reckless.

You DO have to think of every scenario before you make life changing decisions. If you go for IVF they give you different scenarios that might happen that you have to consent to, some of these scenarios sound far fetched. For instance if you die, would you consent your partner to use the embryos you've created with a new partner? When I queried why there were so many questions like this I was told it was because it's happened to couples.

Your parter sounds like the sensible one. You sound like you're blackmailing him. Call it off, and find a new partner who's already had a vasectomy.

Wow. If you're going to end your relationship over this, then his attitude had been proved the wise one. You would split up with him over something else down the line.

He should stick to his guns.

You should value your relationship more highly and be ready to work through disagreements with commitment.

If you feel that strongly about not getting pregnant double up your contraception methods. Or you have a sterilisation.

What a cheek you've got.

You could fall out of love with him. Have an affair. You could die. Sorry to be blunt but it's completely fair enough that he doesn't want a vasectomy as he doesn't know what the future will bring, it doesn't mean he's not committed to you.

I think he is being reasonable and it doesn't mean he isn't committed. Anything can happen down the line, marriage wise. Or one of you could die!
You buy home insurance never intending to set fire to your house, right?

It's taken many years for my DH to get the point of being willing to have a vasectomy (a large part being the fear of the procedure, but also mentally the end of fertility). He's only now seriously considering it, at 43 after 3 DCs and we've been together 18 years.
Because now, whatever happens with our marriage or our children, neither of us would have more. Yes, we could split up and he meet someone younger without children, but he's realised he wouldn't want/be able to financially support a whole new family as well as his existing DCs. Never mind the mental toll!

We discuss this, because although we love each other we are realistic and have seen enough marriages fall apart to know that planning only for happy ever after is delusional.

Hi - I've always been led to believe by medical professionals that the implant is on a par with sterilisation in terms of success rates. Needs to get changed every 3 years but a lot of GP practices can do it and it's a very quick procedure. Whilst I acknowledge people can react differently to it, my experience has been very positive and I've found it fuss free. Might be worth having a chat with your GP? Might help you find a middle ground with your partner. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that?

i know it feels it's all on you - but at 27 it is a huge decision for someone to make who won't feel any side effects of a possible pregnancy. You seem very clear that you don't want more children, which is fine. Your reason is perfectly valid too, and in your shoes i wouldn't want any either. So what is the answer?

If you don't trust contraception (what were you using?) how about a different type? two types (so you have, say, a coil and you use condoms too). And at the same time approach your GP about sterilization. You have to go armed with all the reasons you want it, and you have to pester and push.

If you are having doubts about marrying him - best to postpone or call it off, the sooner the better. And revisit the idea of marriage to him later.

you have agreed not to have another child together due to your physical health. However as you are already considering not marrying him due to he not wanting his body affected, then he sounds wise not limiting his future chances of chikdren with another partner as he may not feel secure with you either.

You are making so many leaps here.

It can be true that he is happy not to have any more children with you, and true that he expects the relationship to last forever, but also true that he doesn't want a vasectomy. What if you were to die? Would you expect him to be single forever?

It sounds like you might benefit from speaking to someone about how you are dealing with the trauma of your child's birth and the subsequent changes to your body. It doesn't sound like you are coping well.

It was just a flat out no, i think based on cost and it being 'not worth it' - i first asked at 33 and was told i didnt know my own mind (even though i have had kids, years ago, so know exactly whats involved) and might change it so no. I asked a few weeks ago and was told 'no, the waiting list is so long, you are VERY unlikely to EVER get this so stop asking'. I'm 37. I 100% know i dont want more kids, the thought of a contraception failure makes me very anxious, I'm pretty sick of hormonal options and side effects and condoms irritate my bits. DP has been adamant all his life he doesnt want children, thats the same but he's wibbling over a vasectomy too because he just doesnt fancy it 🙄 i'm gagging for sterilisation, i'd let dr nick do it with a rusty spoon 🤣

When we agreed to marry its because we are adamant this is what we want forever.

A vasectomy is more permanent than marriage.

Come on OP, you act like divorce isn’t a thing.

But as pp just mentioned he clearly is "keeping his options open" which makes me feel he is being untruthful with me and himself
This is a very naive vision of the reality of life. Almost 50% of marriage fail. 99% of people getting married were convinced at the time that it was forever and didn't have anyone else in mind.

Except that in real life, many things happen that mean that once upon a time loving couples separate meet someone else and very much want to have children with them.

At 40, it is much less likely. At 27, much more so. However how much he doesn't want another child now, loves you and imagine being with you forever it would be a HUGE mistake for him to take such a final decision.

And no, it's not just a case of reversing. The chance of success with the surgery becomes extremely low after a few years. It is expensive and very painful.

If you feel so strongly about not ever wanting to fall pregnant again, you need to consider sterilisation.

Yes he is allowed to change his mind. My point is that he hasn't told me this!!! I was going ahead into this marriage thinking we were on the same page. HE didn't communicate this change to me and still hasn't really. He has worded it slyly to almost hint at it without just coming out and being upfront with me.

Now what am I meant to do and make of that? Maybe marriage isn't a "permanent commitment like a vasectomy is" but for its a massive thing.

I'm scared to go into marriage with this new knowledge, I don't want to be putting myself up for potentially being left and being devastated because he wants another child

You can’t force him to do this op. His body, his choice. But at the same time, if no more dc is a red line for you then you are also within your rights to walk away. As a couple you need to be aligned on important issues like this and it seems that you are not.

That aside, in the kindest possible way op I would suggest some form of counselling to help you deal with your birth issues as it’s clear that this has adversely affected you. I’m not saying that you will change your mind about more dc or even that you should, just that it has obviously been a traumatic experience and some help for you may be beneficial.

It's the guys choice and tbh to young there's plenty of other ways