To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

[Messymaker]

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

I would never have a vasectomy at 27.

There ARE risks and it's not completely reversible. He might change his mind in the future. You guys may get divorced and a new partner wants kids.

There's just no way of knowing what will happen in the future.

If so eager, albeit it's invasive, you can get your tubes tied. Simple solution all done!

You're missing the points above.

Your partner is likely 100% committed to you, and going into the marriage "forever". But what happens if you and your child fall under a bus tomorrow. He's only 27. In that situation, in years to come he might want the chance to have another child.

Or as said above, if he has the vasectomy, and then you leave him.

@Messymaker You’re extremely unreasonable.

I can’t believe you’re pushing a 27 year old into this ultimatum. Have a vestectomy or I won’t marry you.

It’s too big or a decision to make at such a young age.

Just imagine you died (sorry bit morbid) and he met someone in 5 years and they want a child. Or you divorced. He’s 10000% able to want to keep that option open.

I think you should get your tubes tied!

I also hope he doesn’t go through with it for your sake, and that he chooses not to marry you rather than the other way round.

This is ridiculous. If that's the case no one should buy a house together because you never know if you will divorce and end up homeless and with no money. People take risks. People make permanent decisions. It's life. You can't live tomorrow considering every single variable. That's exhausting and would make everything pointless.

Copper coil (so no hormones) plus condoms? The copper device can last up to ten years. The chances of you falling pregnant with two excellent methods of contraception in place are negligible.

You're already questioning the relationship yet you're both adamant you'll be together forever?

I don't think marriage is a good idea, either postpone it or call it off.

27 is SO young to know what you want forever.

You might pass away. You might cheat on him. You might dump him.

Life is about keeping your options open unless there is an absolute reason not to.

YOU sound like you are 100% sure you never want kids. At 27, it's actually very unwise of him to make that choice, when it sounds like it's driven by you but he's happy to stop at 1 for your benefit.

This is the problem, you think at 27 you know it all, and I'm sure you are mature and certain of your own feelings but most of us are older. And life is nothing like we imagined when we were 27, life is long, and uncertain. A long happy marriage is unlikely tbh, haven't seen many that I would want to emulate. You can't have more children because it would threaten your health, he doesn't want to have more children because it would threaten your health. Get your tubes tied, this is an unreasonable demand you are making of your future DH. I have 2 daughters and I would tell them the same

You asked if you were being unreasonable Op. Lots of people said you were. It’s entirely up to you what you do. 🤷‍♀️

Yes OP may be sure she is done but her partner might not be. Even if for some reason they don't stay together and meet other partners OP is sure she won't want any other children. That is fair enough but she can't make that decision for her partner.
Normally I am all for men having a vasectomy when a couple have decided their family is complete. But i don't think it is as clear cut in this case.

His body his choice.

However also your body your choice. The only way to 100% be sure not to get pregnant is to not have sex.

So OP should make the decision not to marry someone who wants children with another woman.

Given you are homeless, I'd focus in finding a home first before marriage. You're just creating unnecessary drama

YABU. Massively.

27 is too young to have a vasectomy. Do you have a crystal ball? Can you say for certain that in 10 years time you will still be together? If you the marriage failed and in 10 years time he was with a new partner, he may want a child with her.

You come across as very immature for 27. Another reason, I say marriage probably isn't for you yet.

Yes, but it might not last! People get divorced, for lots of reasons. People also die. It's incredibly naive to totally discount the possibility that your OH might ultimately have a relationship with someone else. If you died would you expect him to the single forever? If not then you must also allow for the possibility he might want to have children with that person.

i had another child a very long time after my first (horrible pregnancy and labour).. the second time around (same husband) was worlds apart.. I changed my mind.. maybe you will later down the line..

HE SAID HE DIDNT WANT ANY CHILDREN. I didn't push him into this for god sake! Now he is changing his mind and didn't even communicate this change. I'm going into this marriage thinking we were like minded about the situation. We clearly aren't. This changes everything since I can't have children. This means if anywhere down the line he wants more kids that it won't be with me and that's the end.

Why must I make all the bloody sacrifices and major changes for our family unit? Hasn't my body been through enough. If he is serious about wanting a future as a family unit this is what is needed. If he wants a future with another woman then he it's not.

Of course people take risks but they weigh them up against benefits first.

In this specific case, the benefits may not outweigh the risks, given how young you both are.

If you are a new mother, with significant post-partum health problems and homeless on top I can't imagine how stressed you are. I hope you're getting the right support. I think posters calling you "disgusting" are beyond the pale. It is possible to politely disagree!

What happens if you get hit by a bus tomorrow or pass away due to an illness.

I actually don't think him not wanting one is a red flag.

We have had our kids and have agreed we are done, but my husband doesn't want to get one, just because he doesn't want one, and you know what, it's his body so that's fine with me.

I don't want to get tubes tied, but you know what he's fine with that, because it's up to me!

Mumsnet is full of threads where people are being advised to protect their individual financial position when buying a house/getting married/making any major decision. Your point is a false equivalent but even then the response is the same!

Yabvvvvu. You can’t strong-arm someone into life-changing surgery.

It’s not even just that he might change his mind. Even if he is entirely committed to not have more children, he doesn’t have to agree to a vasectomy. It’s his body.

I was like this after DC, terrified of getting pregnant again. We agreed that we didn't want any more so my DH (now ex) had a vasectomy. It was that or literally no sex. People said to him what if something happens to DC, etc and the response was always that neither of us wanted any more under any circumstances.

He has since remarried but is still happy as he actually didn't want any more children. It sounds like your partner wants to keep his options open, which is fine, but he needs to be honest and stop telling you what you want to hear.

So what if he's 27??? He's already fathered one child; in 2023 on a burning planet, that is plenty.

He doesn't need to produce more; no one does. Protecting his precious "future fertility" at the expense of the mother of his actual existing child is bullshit.

Honestly the sperm-worship here is mind-boggling.

I'm the same, I knew at 27 I didn't want any more, ten years later in a new marriage I very definitely did and had two more.