To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

[Messymaker]

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

@ginandtonicwithlimes exactly what difference does it make whether he hit me because he had a bad day or because we was arguing?

This.
What if you divorce and he meets someone he wants to have a child with?
You want it, you do it yourself!!

So sorry to hear that op :(

His body his choice
also deceiving your body as used goods because you had a child is pretty misogynistic stuff .

It doesn't make a blind bit of difference @Messymaker hitting you was unacceptable. He obviously wasn't on your side. He was happy to portray the 'good guy" image. Happy to pretend your health and welfare was important to him, but in the end he was just another nasty piece of work.

@ichifanny I don't think the OP meant that a woman who had had a child was used goods. Merely that her pregnancy had left her feeling physically second hand. Some women bounce back from pregnancy. Others do not.

Very sorry to hear this, OP. I hope you're okay. x

None. I was just curious.

I’m sorry OP but at least this has made the decision for you. Stick to your guns, violent men don’t change.

Well that’s one way to end a thread

You'll have to get your tubes tied.
He's willing to risk another pregnancy and/or subject you to using birth control the rest of your child bearing life, or, he thinks you will change your mind.
This is something where you will have to (again) take the harder road with the procedure, recovery and price. He didn't deal with what you went through physically and the vasectomy can be reversed but it's still going to fall on you to take the harder choice.
I'd wait to get married, btw.
If you suspect that he will change his mind and find someone else, then let him.

Indeed.

I agree with PP re divorce stats, him being so young, it being his body, and you not being willing to have your tubes tied.

I think in this situation its on you to have surgery not him. I dont think it means he doesn't want you, or wants more kids, but he is being very sensible

So sorry OP have seen the update regarding him hitting you. The whole thread is irrelevant now as you clearly can't, and it seems aren't, putting up with that. Go your separate ways and work on co parenting in a healthy way when you can.

Sorry your were hit OP, now you both need to focus on your DC.

Your relationship with his father should not impact on the child, so many parents get fucked up over their personal relationship issues that the child suffers mentally and emotionally.

You’re being very naive here.

Tbh the relationship was effectively finished or finishing as soon as you decided calling off the wedding was an option (why would you remain together if not prepared to wed?) but sadly you are tied to this man forever through your child.

Perhaps getting your tubes tied might now be a good option after all as you may wish in time to find a new partner and if it's not an option to have more children the discussion is off the table, you have full control of your own womb, and will no longer have to rely on the famously ineffective withdrawal method.

I am sorry to hear that OP, I hope you are ok and he has been kicked out of your life. Once a hitter, always a hitter. I hope you press charges.

This unfortunate update, still, doesn't make this thread irrelevant. It may make your question irrelevant, but the thread is not as it contains perspectives and information about body autonomy, vasectomy and unreasonable expectations, from which future readers might benefit from.

Really glad op, that you know you deserve better than someone who would be abusive towards you in any way. Its never easy ending a relationship even after something like that so get some support around you. Womens aid will be able to help and advise you with any issues around money/ finances/reporting/ legalities etc. Also I just wanted to say that I'm sure a lot of the debate on here and especially now if it's been picked up by 'the news' has probably been quite triggering in light of your ptsd. I hope you're supported and safe and taking care of yourself mentally.

Absolutely in the bin with him.

@ginandtonicwithlimes

Just for your future learning because its sadly highly likely you have or will come into contact with other women who have or are experiencing dv, your response was not appropriate. There's never ever a reason that justifies abuse and physical violence in any relationship and your blunt post suggested that there could be . It also suggested that you felt entitled to the details of ops pain. That's for op to choose to share off their own bat. Asking someone why their partner hit them is very damaging to someone who's been abused and puts women off speaking about their experiences.

Like I said earlier, the update doesn't render this thread irrelevant. MN is a place a lot of people visit to get different perspectives on topics. This thread has insights for all (it's not only a OP who benefits from message forums), and more importantly, it has thrown some light on how OP's equating her (now ex) partner's willingness to have a vasectomy as a proof of his fidelity to her, and suggested that she may have to manage this expectation more effectively (though I suspect this stems from her suppressed resentment /dislike of her children's father, than all men in general.) Should she want it, I hope OP meets a great partner in the future who is aligned to her reproductive choices.

I didn't say any reason justified it. I was curious what had happened. You read too much into that. I do have some experience of DV.

So, he said he didnt want ANY children but you have a child together ?

You feel distraught for the loss of your pre baby body as 'used goods' ( not an amazing body that nurtured and birthed another human being)

Sounds like your fiance stepped up and loves his child very much, despite not wanting any children. He does not want any more.

You cannot 'force' him to have a vasectomy any more than he could 'force' you to have another child.

There.is a good deal of ' my way or the highway' about this. 'My way or you are gone'. Ultimatums say much more about the controlling and inflexible attitude of the person making the ultimatum. You are withholding intimacy as your fear of pregnancy prevents it.

So. Your partner, with whom you have a child and who.is a good parent to your child, has been honest that he does not now want a vasectomy. A vasectomy to suit you. You could request sterilisation and pay privately to have it done to your body. You have full body autonomy in this, but you dont have the right to control HIS body. You are withholding intimacy and threatening to cancel the wedding and end the relationship because he has changed his mind. You dont need to do anything. If I were him I'd be sorting out parental access and going as far away from you as possible. Marriage is one long compromise and negotiation, done with love. You've offered no alternative or a solution to your desire to have no more children.You go sort this. You are an adult. YOU dont want any more, go sort it.

People change their minds. You have options here too. YOU dont want any more children, so go and sort that out for yourself. You have gone from him no longer wanting a vasectomy to him being unfaithful in his drive to father more children. Thats some leap in thinking. Something he says he does not want.

Release this man from any commitment to you. He deserves better.
I heard all your reasons for why you should not have another child. If these medical reasons are as severe as you say, getting sterilised on medical grounds should be very straightforward.

@Fabulousdahlink this is an old thread - the relationship ended after he hit her.